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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To spend my inheritance on learning to drive?

96 replies

DuchessofSuffolk · 21/05/2025 08:15

I know people who can’t drive are often shot down in flames on mumsnet, but here goes….

A bit of background, I have been trying to drive on and off since I was 18. I eventually gave up at the age of 33. I have failed my test 4x. Every instructor I have has eventually stopped answering my messages for me to book in lessons with them. I eventually gave up and I am now 36. The thought of driving makes me feel really anxious and I also have dyspraxia, which is an added challenge.

My Nanny passed away last year, whilst I was heavily pregnant with my first baby. I found out a couple of months later my grandparents had left each of the grandchildren about 5% of their estate, so about 12k potentially. We are just going through the process of dividing the money up with the solicitors, my Dad recons I will receive it in June/July.

I had planned to put some towards overpaying our mortgage, a bit towards our first family holiday, and then a little something for myself to remember them by. The other day my husband suggested learning to drive again. He can drive, he passed at 18, first time, and found it relatively easy. He does all the driving, obviously. He has seen me struggle in the past.

Where we live there is a bus service, it does stop at about 7pm though. I can get to work and get a few places with my little girl, although there are some places I can’t get to and it requires my husband to drive to. If she went to the local school we could walk, but then we know we won’t be in this house forever.

I am very much aware of the opportunities being able to drive could open up. And I know it seems unfair that my husband has done all the driving for the past 10/11 years. I do feel like if I did learn to drive it would be one more job to pick up as he doesn’t do
much around the house and often says things like “if you could drive you could go and do the weekly food shop” “if you could drive I’d get you to drive home” “if you could drive you could do the swimming lessons with the baby” (it’s the one class I don’t do, but I also think it’s nice for him to have that time with her) I do feel like learning to drive should be something I do for my daughter tho.

On the other hand, the thought of driving terrifies me. I’m very much aware of the fact that the worst case scenario is I could kill someone. I also don’t want to waste more money. How much money and time do I waste before I give up? I feel like as it’s money that has been gifted to me I should do something good with it! I hate that I’ve spent so much already and have nothing to show for it.

Final bit of info, I have tried automatic. I struggled then as well. For me a large part of it is confidence but I also can’t remember the sequence of movements, so for example parallel parking.

So my AIBU is
YABU: to not learn to drive and should just keep spending the money until you have passed.
YANBU: to the money on something else and carry on taking your baby on the bus.

Be gentle please. This is a really sore, sensitive topic for me.

OP posts:
LittleBitofBread · 21/05/2025 09:38

I can't quite get past 'he doesn’t do much around the house and often says things like “if you could drive you could go and do the weekly food shop” “if you could drive I’d get you to drive home” “if you could drive you could do the swimming lessons with the baby”
Why doesn't he do much around the house? Why doesn't he want to continue swimming lessons with his baby?
I'm afraid I agree with you that, if you did learn to drive, he'd use it as an excuse to do even less.

YinYangalang · 21/05/2025 09:42

Find an instructor who specifically deals with students ghosted by other driving instructors. They are out there you have to do your research.

Expect to pay a premium.

Don’t give up.

whynotmereally · 21/05/2025 09:43

Do you want to learn to drive? Your dyspraxia is a genuine reason why you struggle and whilst you shouldn’t let it hold you back equally it is a valid reason why you haven’t passed yet.
your dp seems like he wants you to do it for his benefit not yours.

whymewhyme · 21/05/2025 11:26

Go for it! I've just passed at 40 best thing I ever did! Why not buy a little car, get your husband to sit with you that way you will gain so much more confidence on the road. Google good driving instructors and have 2hrs a week. It's worth mentioning that to get a test now is very hard, I had to wait 7 months for my first, I failed that then I had to wait another 4 months for the second! So you've potentially got lots if time there to practice,practice,practice! Drive everywhere, shops,nursary,school,days out with the family! Nobody ever regrets passing their test and I bet your nanny would be proud you spent the money on something that you all will benifit from! You can do it!

TavernGuide · 21/05/2025 12:55

Sorry, this is going to be a monster of a post. TLDR - go for the driving lessons!

The vast majority of dyspraxic people can learn to drive just fine. There’s a reason DVSA doesn’t want to hear about the condition, unless it’s a really, really extreme case.

The only thing is that it usually takes longer (and the process can be really frustrating unless you get the right instructor and stop beating yourself up over learning differently). But once you’ve figured it out, you’ll be at least as safe on the roads as anyone else - possibly more, because you’ll hopefully be better aware of your own skill level and limits than most of the drivers out there.

So I’d say, if you’re thinking about it, just go for it.

I recently wrote down some advice in another thread where the OP was struggling with learning to drive. Their situation was not exactly the same as yours, but I’ll copy my post here in case you might find some of it useful:

"First, focus on getting some more self-awareness about how you learn. This is the most important thing you can do. No instructor, no matter how good, can see the inner workings of our brain. You’re the one who needs to figure this out: what you struggle with, what helps and what does not. Only then can you ask for the right kind of help from an instructor.

Once you’ve had a good think about this, find a new instructor. Ask for recommendations (on local social media groups, from friends or neighbours etc). Check online reviews. When you find one that looks like they might be a good match, talk to them about what you find challenging and what you need to be able to learn. If they respond well (you’re looking for curiosity and willingness to try different things) do a trial lesson. If that goes well, you’re on your way. If it does not, keep looking.

Try taking everything back to the basics at first. Make sure you feel comfortable controlling the car before you start tackling the traffic. Under 17 driving schools are a great idea. So are quiet industrial estates or giant empty car parks. If you need to drive around one of these for 20 hours to feel like you can confidently handle the steering, speed, gears, etc, just do it. Do not rush this part - it will pay off.

Once you’re back in traffic, pick one thing at a time to work on. E.g. for your next lesson, you’ll just be focusing on steering and positioning, or junction approach routines including mirror checks. Your instructor can sort out everything else for you, either by telling you exactly what to do and when, or physically doing it for you. Once you’ve got the hang of this one thing, move on to the next.

And every time you’re out, keep reflecting on what’s working for you and what’s not. If you find something especially challenging, look at videos between lessons to get an idea of different ways to approach it, and discuss it with your instructor to get a better understanding of how it works.

All this might seem like a big step back if you’ve been having lessons for a while. But the fact is, you’ve probably picked up so many unresolved issues along the way that trying to fix them all in one go is just going to end up with you tying yourself in even more knots. Not helpful.

Next, drive the test routes in your area until you’re familiar with the road layouts, usual traffic patterns and such. Do a few mock tests to get structured feedback. Book a test and take it as soon as you’ve got a 50:50 chance of passing (but expect to fail the first time and only treat it as an opportunity to get real life test experience).

Shorter lessons are also a good shout. Again, self-awareness helps. Learn to recognise the length of time your brain can handle in one go (this will get longer as you get more used to driving, but don’t try to do too much too soon). Don’t go over that time because you’ll only overwhelm yourself and feel rubbish afterwards.

And finally, you need to get to grips with the fact that you’ll always make mistakes. Even after you’ve passed. Everybody does, including those with plenty of experience, so you’ll just need to live with that knowledge."

Platespace · 21/05/2025 12:59

It would absolutely be great use of the money.......and if you could drive you'd be less dependent on that husband....

Multiplenames1 · 21/05/2025 13:09

Hi, I passed my test in my 40's after stopping and starting learning, because I had a child. I found a very nice driving instructor used to slightly older nervous people and learnt in an automatic. I also watched YouTube videos of people doing practice tests in my local test area etc and tips as what can go wrong.

I can't say I enjoyed the lessons, but I enjoyed talking to the instructor. I passed my test and gradually getting confidence to go to new places. Haven't had to parallel park once since the test over a year ago. I lucked out with a very nice examiner and we chatted all through the test. Lots of people don't pass first time - my relative knew of a fighter jet pilot who took several goes. So try and leave old experiences behind and go for it if that's what you want.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 21/05/2025 13:13

I struggled to learn too eventually passing at 35. I found the traditional structure of lessons didn’t work for me I needed longer/ more intensive. I found a lovely instructor who would do a two hour lesson *3 a week in early afternoon, baby slept in the back. Lots of practice driving family car. Drive every day until it’s second nature.

MrsEMR · 21/05/2025 13:14

I’ve been driving for 28 years. I love it. I especially love the freedom it gives me.
However, I have 2 friends that gave up driving after passing the test & driving for a good few years (both have DHs that drive) One mainly uses buses with the odd taxi. The other is 100% taxi only & swears by the convenience of it - she worked out between buying the car, servicing, insurance, road tax & fuel it was cheaper to hop in a taxi and no stress about parking or having a drink.

Carodebalo · 21/05/2025 13:16

I understand you are scared. But I think you should do it. It will give you independence … you never know if and when you might need that independence. I also think it’s a nice gesture towards your husband, giving this another go. Find someone who’s really kind and gives you really good tips - and confidence. Those instructors are out there! Also if at all possible drive an automatic. It is 10x easier and they are the future! (I failed my driving test 4 times. The fifth time I had a no nonsense woman, who said ‘I don’t see why they failed you four times. You can drive. You’re fine.’ That was all the confidence I needed. Many years later I not only can drive ‘fine’, I’d like to think I’m actually a good driver, and I enjoy it! You can do this, OP!)

Hoohaz · 21/05/2025 13:20

Why can't your DH give you some lessons? For free?

BarneyOreilly · 21/05/2025 13:20

Do an intensive course. You won’t get the benefit if you drag it out over weeks. It’s more expensive but then it’s just done. And have a car lined up to drive immediately you pass. If you let it drift between passing and driving,you’ll be back where you started.

£12K won’t go that far on Ubers really. Let’s assume a local trip is £12 and you do 4 trips a week - one there and back for shopping and one there and back for swimming. That’s gone in under 5 years and you’ll be left with no money and no driving license either

unless you feel that your dyspraxia is a huge hurdle, I’d go for the intensive course. If you still fail, it was meant to be and you will have to investigate other options for you, but you won’t have wasted the whole amount.

Abbyant · 21/05/2025 13:23

So I’m not very different to you, I had to learn to drive for work and I passed on my sixth attempt last month. I found having my own car and using it everyday for dropping the kids etc ( with my partner next me) really helped with confidence, you know the rules of the road by now after doing lessons all this time. I never wanted to drive but it has honestly made life so much easier, I’ve got time for a hobby now because I don’t have to wait around for buses or my partner to take me.

Ganthanga · 21/05/2025 13:23

I would use some of the money to have a couple of hypnotherapy sessions to give you some confidence.
Then give the driving one more shot. Don't think about it in terms of what you husband does or doesn't do, think of the freedom and time saved not waiting for buses. As your child gets older they also need more dropping here and there.
Good luck OP!

Corgi2023 · 21/05/2025 13:24

I only passed last year at 38. Had been doing lessons since I was 19 on and off. After I had my little boy I had more motivation to do it. I still don't drive very far and won't go on motorways, but it helps to go and do the shopping and little days out with my son.
I am still a nervous driver but it has got a bit better over the last year.
I'd recommend trying one more time to see how you get on. Set yourself an amount of £ you would be willing to part with for now.

brettsalanger · 21/05/2025 13:25

I would say that’s an excellent use of the money.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/05/2025 13:25

I would try 10 more lessons in an automatic, before throwing the towel in.

TheGreyQuail · 21/05/2025 13:29

If you want to go for it OP, then go for it and good luck for it all, hope you get through.
I didn't want to learn and still don't even now I'm older. So many reasons why I don't and if anyone wants to sneer that's their problem. I don't rely on anyone for lifts and don't like being a car.

notatinydancer · 21/05/2025 13:30

Whiteflowerscreed · 21/05/2025 08:22

How many hours have you had and how many tests have you failed?

our friend has failed over 10 times as possibly that’s a sign that you’re not meant to drive…

She’s failed 4. Says in the first post.

notatinydancer · 21/05/2025 13:32

Why don’t people read the post ?
she clearly says she’s failed 4 times. She clearly says she’s tried automatic.

Fairyladyonwheels · 21/05/2025 13:33

Go for it. I passed on my 6th, don't give up and persevere.

TheAmusedQuail · 21/05/2025 13:35

It depends. IF you genuinely think you have an ability issue (dyspraxia etc) and have been advised it is unlikely you'll ever pass, don't do it. My sister was told by a couple of driving instructors that the chances of her upskilling enough to pass were remote. And she does a job that requires both mental and hand dexterity and is highly intelligent (so it isn't a lack of ability in general).

IF you think you might be able to pass eventually, go for it. But make clear to your husband, he's going to need to be in the car with you while you practise A LOT between lessons. If he really wants you to drive, he has to be able to make some sort of investment in it too. And one lesson a week isn't enough practise if you're struggling with it. Let him show HIS commitment to it.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/05/2025 13:36

notatinydancer · 21/05/2025 13:32

Why don’t people read the post ?
she clearly says she’s failed 4 times. She clearly says she’s tried automatic.

They do read the posts. They're also reading other posters who were successful after many failed attempts, it is worth another try.

Whattodo1610 · 21/05/2025 13:42

IF you’re going to learn to drive then definitely choose automatic.
However, my personal view is, this is your money, you can spend it on whatever you want, don’t choose driving just because someone else says so. You need to want to drive. If you don’t actually want to, then you’re unlikely to pass. If you want to, you’ll be more invested, more keen, more able. Do what is right for you, no one else.