To spend my inheritance on learning to drive?

[DuchessofSuffolk]

I know people who can’t drive are often shot down in flames on mumsnet, but here goes….

A bit of background, I have been trying to drive on and off since I was 18. I eventually gave up at the age of 33. I have failed my test 4x. Every instructor I have has eventually stopped answering my messages for me to book in lessons with them. I eventually gave up and I am now 36. The thought of driving makes me feel really anxious and I also have dyspraxia, which is an added challenge.

My Nanny passed away last year, whilst I was heavily pregnant with my first baby. I found out a couple of months later my grandparents had left each of the grandchildren about 5% of their estate, so about 12k potentially. We are just going through the process of dividing the money up with the solicitors, my Dad recons I will receive it in June/July.

I had planned to put some towards overpaying our mortgage, a bit towards our first family holiday, and then a little something for myself to remember them by. The other day my husband suggested learning to drive again. He can drive, he passed at 18, first time, and found it relatively easy. He does all the driving, obviously. He has seen me struggle in the past.

Where we live there is a bus service, it does stop at about 7pm though. I can get to work and get a few places with my little girl, although there are some places I can’t get to and it requires my husband to drive to. If she went to the local school we could walk, but then we know we won’t be in this house forever.

I am very much aware of the opportunities being able to drive could open up. And I know it seems unfair that my husband has done all the driving for the past 10/11 years. I do feel like if I did learn to drive it would be one more job to pick up as he doesn’t do
much around the house and often says things like “if you could drive you could go and do the weekly food shop” “if you could drive I’d get you to drive home” “if you could drive you could do the swimming lessons with the baby” (it’s the one class I don’t do, but I also think it’s nice for him to have that time with her) I do feel like learning to drive should be something I do for my daughter tho.

On the other hand, the thought of driving terrifies me. I’m very much aware of the fact that the worst case scenario is I could kill someone. I also don’t want to waste more money. How much money and time do I waste before I give up? I feel like as it’s money that has been gifted to me I should do something good with it! I hate that I’ve spent so much already and have nothing to show for it.

Final bit of info, I have tried automatic. I struggled then as well. For me a large part of it is confidence but I also can’t remember the sequence of movements, so for example parallel parking.

So my AIBU is
YABU: to not learn to drive and should just keep spending the money until you have passed.
YANBU: to the money on something else and carry on taking your baby on the bus.

Be gentle please. This is a really sore, sensitive topic for me.

I'm still not understanding what you mean, sorry…
I was commenting on the DH saying that if the OP could drive she could do the weekly food shop; my point was that he sounds like if she could drive to the shops he'd just let her do it/assume she was going to do it all the time, as he already doesn't sound like he wants to pull his weight.

In your situation I don't agree that you should do an intensive course.
Intensive driving courses teach you how to pass your test not how to drive, that takes time and you will only gain confidence with time.

If you pass an intensive you are more unlikely to want to immediately go out on your own after only 1 week of driving.

I recommend longer lessons or 2 a week.

I would also recommend hypnosis for the anxiety.

I am not a lover of driving and do get anxious about areas I don’t know. But I am so glad I learned to drive, it has given me more freedom and opportunity in terms of jobs etc. I took me a while to pass and a lot of money but it was so worth it. Passing was one of my proudest moments, more than any school exam or university degree or even landing jobs!

Do it. I think most people would’ve clicked on the vote without reading it. I read it as YANBU to want to spent your inheritance on learning to drive.. but then I read it properly! Think the stats might be off with fellow rushers!

I could have written your original post myself a few years ago (although I’m not dyspraxic) as I had a really bad experience with driving when I was younger and it really put me off. I started learning in an automatic a couple of years ago and I was such a slow learner-it seemed to take me ages to get the hang of things and it took me a long time to have the confidence to book my test. I used to count down the minutes to the end of each driving lesson because I found it so hard. However, I passed my test at 30 weeks pregnant and now I couldn’t imagine being without my little car. I live in a fairly major city but I love being able to get out to the countryside, go where I want etc. If you don’t go for it, you’ll always be left feeling ‘what if’ and it is such a massive achievement- I still feel so proud of myself for overcoming my fear of driving and as well as having the skill for life, it’s also taught me a lot about how resilient I am. Go for it- you can do it!

I think your husband should get some traffic cones out and teach you for free in an empty car park tbh. Reassess whether you want to try professional lessons again after a few weeks of that.

My cousin recently passed at the grand old age of 37. He failed more tests than he cares to admit.

Do it. Most adults can’t even imagine not being able to drive. You will never regret it.

My daughter has dyspraxia too. She struggled with driving but really wanted to learn. Once she’d found the right instructor it became a lot easier for her. It took her 4 goes to pass her test but she persevered and she did it and in a manual car. Don’t give up - the right instructor makes a massive difference and I’d also suggest you don’t swap between manual and automatic as you will get confused. Choose one and stick with it. You’ll get there! Good luck!

My mum passed her test on her eighth attempt and was over 40 by then. She had had twins at 39 so it was freedom on wheels for her.
When she passed away a couple of years ago, I was so touched at my sisters’ friends saying how wonderful she was and how much they appreciated her lifts and picking them up from clubs at the weekend. It helped make wonderful memories.
My sisters also benefited from seaside trips, zoos, swimming, visiting relatives, etc.

I think driving lessons would be an investment; you should look into an intensive course and really focus.

Also, look up Marissa Peer - Rapid Transformational Therapy. It’s hypnosis and it’s worked brilliantly for two separate issues for me. There are lots of practitioners.
I would imagine most hypnotherapies would do the same.

Good luck 🍀

In some circumstances I’d say use the money for driving lessons but to be honest it does sound like you’ve already given it a good shot and there are understandable reasons why it’s more difficult for you.

If you really want to do it then go for it but don’t feel pressured just because people tell you it’s something you “should” do.

My grandmother never drove (tried but couldn’t master it) and she was one of the most sociable people I’ve never known, she was always with friends. She was very independent, worked until her 60s, very active in the local community. She did live on a very good bus route though…

How would you feel passing your test? I think it's probable you would feel very proud.

100% I believe you can - if you want to. But if you don't that's absolutely valid choice.

I think if I was you I would. Passing your test doesn't mean you have to drive. Just that you can.

I always was and still am a nervous driver. I actually drive through a city centre to work every day as I prefer it to duel carriageways. When I was learning I had to wear a ring on my right hand to know which way the instructor was telling me to go. I have never been involved in so much as a shunt. I think partly because I am nervous so always cautious and alert.

I am really glad I can drive. My DP is still the main driver but if needs be I can and do drive long distance. It opens up a world of possibilities that are very difficult or impossible on public transport (e.g. taking my two boys on day trips/ holidays).

I say do it.

Personally as its on your mind I'd give it one more go, there's nothing wrong with not driving and its good you recognise your limitations; but you'll be left wondering if you don't. Id phone around instructors and be honest about your feelings towards it, some will be more keen and skilled in teaching someone like yourself to drive and it'll make a lot of difference.

Do it you’ll never regret it.

I've never lived anywhere where driving was needed and I'd never consider it for ethical reasons, although now electric vehicles are easy to get it makes a difference to pollution levels.

I can see the attraction of neing more independent, but also it sounds like your DH is sayimg he'd get you to do his share of chores and activities if you could drive!

Personally, I'd look into support with dyspraxia and driving, perhaps try ten lessons or so with support in place and see how it goes and how you feel. But don't blow it all on driving lessons if you still feel stressed by it after that!

Could you take the time pressure off? Treat the lessons like a hobby that you do once a week. Maybe being more relaxed will help you?

Do this for yourself and for your child. Something may click this time. Don’t write yourself off. Get your licence and maybe you can drive away from your useless husband…

But if you can’t drive, you can’t. As a driver, only on this board have I seen such vitriol towards non/drivers. It’s weird.

OP, I’d recommend intensive automatic lessons as you’ve already suggested. I had a friend who failed 6 times and is now a great driver on the road. But equally driving isn’t for everyone so perhaps you might want to get a figure in your head of how much more money and time you want to spend on this?

My story is I’m dyspraxic and I did an intensive course in March over 4 days and the test was meant to be the day after the last lesson. But unfortunately was not quite test ready, my instructor said he would have suggested another 8 hours or so but there was no time to do that as my test was the next day. And then I couldn’t find another driving test until June.

I kind of dithered hoping to find one earlier So I wouldn’t forget everything I learned (which is so easy to do with dyspraxia) then the driving test situation got worse and I couldn’t find a single test for months.

Now I’m looking at taking it in September and have rebooked another course of intensive lessons with the same instructor/car. This time I’ll be taking them the week before the test so if he thinks I need some more lessons I’ll have time to do them.

It’s not like the pre-pandemic days where if you have to cancel your test or if you sit and fail it you can rebook a new test easily a few weeks later. It has been taken over by bots and people making a quick buck over this and the DVSA has been next to useless in sorting this situation.

So yeah if you’re in the UK just be mindful people are waiting months and months to find a test or paying hundreds to unethical test re-sellers.

But if you can’t drive, you can’t. As a driver, only on this board have I seen such vitriol towards non/drivers. It’s weird

@Suzzled I agree with this and yes it’s very weird!

I found driving got easier as I got older. I think years and years of being driven and I’d integrated the rules of the road and some of the processes. I passed at 43 this year. (Started learning at 17, I’m both dyspraxic and autistic)

On the other hand there’s no shame in not driving. In some ways I’m glad I didn’t always drive. My kids can confidently use trains and buses, I still meet friends of theirs who at 6.7,8+, have never or maybe once ridden on a bus or taken a train!

The children of public transport users learn manners, social skills and are potentially fitter, their teenage years having to navigate public transport pre driving are easier and their parents don’t become a taxi service! Plus they can feel good about saving the earth. Also public transport promotes family interaction.

I would learn to drive if YOU want to. If you’re still not keen I don’t think it will work, it has to be because you see the benefits for your life, if you are fine with walking, buses, trains and the odd taxi then maybe don’t. Especially if you spend lots and then don’t do the test or give up, you’ll regret the money. I think if you do it, it has to be a commitment to keep going until you pass.

Yes it will open up a whole new world for you and daughter you will not regret it book a weekly lesson to pick you up from work and drop you home, keep at it until you pass. Don’t put it towards the mortgage but a little newish car of your own! if you stop you have waisted the money already spent! Good luck!

I think I would feel proud and happy if I passed. I don’t think I would ever be driving around London or big cities, but it would be nice to not have to wait for the bus in the cold.

it is a weird one for me because sometimes I have felt quite calm when driving and other times I’ve found it quite stressful. I could get to work with my eyes closed so I don’t think driving to work would be much of a problem.

i think I’m going to try one last time and like others have suggested look into some therapy to overcome my mindset. It has been helpful to hear from other dyspraxic people and gives me some hope.