DH has left us on MH grounds

[Drowning8453]

DH has been having difficulty with his MH, I would say close on a year that I know of, but possibly a lot longer than that, things like anxiety and depressive moments. He gets very fixated on health issues and gets very very down about them. Once one thing is 'fixed' there will be another quite quickly. When he has a cold he gets very very down about it and starts to fixate and stress.

We have a 3 yr DS and we have lived together for around 5 years now in the home that I owned before we got together. I have asked many times for us to move in to own something together, but he has always either shut the conversation down, changed the subject or said no, it wasn't the right time and he would find it too stressful to move. I have found this really anxiety provoking myself, as everything felt so uncertain. So we have carried on as me being responsible for all the house maintenance and upkeep and him paying me rent each month to cover the bills. I do all of the housework and his 'jobs' have been to do the dishes and cook, plus some food shopping and some laundry which I also do. He will not clean and has no interest in any maintenance things, doesn't see them as his responsibility and thinks that it's my house or I won't like what he does so why do it.

I work 3.5 days a week and I do all of the nights with our DS, as DH is in his own room as we keep him awake and he needs his sleep.

Over the past 6 months, DH's MH has been getting progressively worse, he is constantly tired, doesn't enjoys days out or even want to go on them (which I organise) with DS, is miserable quite often or worrying about a health issue. Christmas day was spent worrying that he had something wrong with his neck. It has put a lot of stress and pressure on me as I feel like I have been trying to support him and also trying to keep things normal and nice for our son.

This has escalated in the last month when DH had a health scare. It was very worrying for us, and has since sent him into a complete spiral. He has been off work and I have been trying to be as supportive as I can. He felt that being alone with our son was too much for him and made him feel worse and stressed, but he was well enough to book an afternoon/lunch/walks with his friends and his hobby. So I have had to take on pretty much all childcare, on top of work and struggling to even get out for a walk on my own.

When I raised an issue with this, it was met with you are adding more stress onto me when I don't need it and walked away from the conversation. He has now left the house to go and stay with family, so that he can be as stress free as possible so he can get well, and doesn't know when/whether he will be able to come back saying that I'm putting too much pressure on him at home and his mental health isn't in the right place for any conversations like that. He has come to see DS for a few hours each weekend, but has said that pushed him too far and took it out of him. I'm alone with our DS, doing everything and trying to keep things as stable as possible while I feel he has simply checked out.

This is bullshit. Tell him to unpack it all in therapy and change the locks.

That's an awful thing to do, blaming you for everything. Very manipulative.

Blimey, I too felt drained just reading your OP. I should imagine you feel a great weight has been lifted now he's gone. Give yourself a few weeks and I'm sure you'll be happier - only take him back if his MH allows him to step up and be the partner you want him to be.

It sounds to me like your DH has decided that Adulting is not for him. You don’t need an extra (man) child in your life.

Agree with this. Was going to suggest making sure when you are saying to him about having your child overnight to make sure it is in writing so you have a record of him refusing..

Oh sweetheart he has done you a massive favour.

Look at this from an outsider’s perspective and he is just a massive drain on you and your baby.

Stop trying to fix him and let him go.

Then you will see how hard he’s been dragging your family down.

It's a blessing he left on his own. Don't let him come back.

I understand that you are all on your own with DS, but given everything you've said, I don't think you can really trust DH to take care of him.

What an exhausting way to live.

Basically he wants you to pander to him - I wouldn’t allow him back. Only seeing his child for a few hours every week? Not fit to be a parent. MH or not.

I'd love to say I'm shocked by this update, but I'm not. The victim mentality of men like this is real. It's all YOUR fault. His poor behaviour is YOUR fault. O rhis mental health's fault. Or both. It's ridiculous and pathetic.

He's off work - does that mean he's not getting paid? Or if he is, now that he's gone to his mum has he stopped paying you his contribution (which was just bills so I assume it was minimal anyway?)

If he IS being paid, do not let him stop contributing.
If he is NOT being paid, do NOT give him any money to help fund himself.

If he is genuinely starting therapy and meds, and genuinely interested in doing the work, I would hope that things will improve. However, it's pretty clear that he doesn't intrinsically think that your DS and parenting or contributing to your lives is his "responsibility". It's all on you and anything he does is just a bonus. Which means that even if he gets his MH under control, it's very unlikely you're ever going to find yourself in a true partnership with this man. I'm sorry.

Prioritise yourself and your DS. If you can, try to accept that he will NOT be stepping up, and act accordingly, putting whatever you need to in place to make this easier long term.

Bollocks.

He doesn't want to take responsibility for anything. You are just the punching bag.

Or we would give the same advice to a man with a wife who is not stepping up?

BruFord, no I didn’t do my best for my children because I couldn’t. And we don’t know what DH is actually thinking, do we? He might well be consumed with guilt. I spent months at a time in my bedroom not wanting to engage with anyone.

I agree. I think you need to prioritise your DS and let him sort himself out. Issue divorce proceedings and tell him he can arrange visitation when he sorts himself out. He is being very selfish and self indulgent. I have a DH who sometimes has these problems. Its been a long term thing that I cant see an end to really. If you are prepared to put up with this recurring constantly for the rest of your life, stay put and try again. if not, get rid. He is the father of your child so you will have to have some contact, but its up to him to sort out his issues if he wants to see your child. Not for you to be guilt tripped into pandering to his mental health all the time.

I'm not clear what you are saying there @Drowning8453 Are you defending him and saying that he has a point? I hope not.

You know that he is just trying to blame you and exonerate himself by blaming you? So many crap men do that when it comes to relationships. They have you not sure which way is up, and doubting yourself You need to keep him far away from you and your DC.

He’s a pathetic, selfish, immature man-child.

Nobody deserves to be treated the way he’s treating you.

he has no regard, let alone respect for you if he’s blaming you for his woes (such as they are: they all seem to be the consequence of his own actions and choices).

You and your son will be better off divorced and separated with a set schedule in place for visitation. He can take all the time he wants to sort out his mental health, and you can tell him to grow up and take responsibility for himself when he so much as starts blaming you for them.

God I’m angry for you.

And your children shouldn’t have been around that.

I think it's grossly unfair that he is blaming you for his mental health issues. And honestly I think he is a fucking snowflake.

I agree with everyone who has said to carry on without him. Sorry.

I'm sorry but his mental health has been like this for years and he's never sought therapy or medication previously? Still engaging in his hobbies and self care just not anything remotely resembling responsibility? I'm not usually straight for the the leave him vote, but Christ!

Was this a planned pregnancy? It sounds like he's fallen into the relationship, doesn't particularly want to be in it but has just stuck around because of the kid.

Does he work? Do you suspect neurodiversity? Any chance of another woman?

@AllAtSea4 It sounds as if you tried hard and didn't abandon them. Getting them off to school every day was an achievement. Presumably they were fed, etc.

That's what gets me, that he's sloped off to his Mum's and left the OP to do everything.

What the hell??

He is blaming YOU, the person holding everything together for his health anxiety and poor mental health. He has just one child! It is disgusting. I’m pretty sure he will have told his parents you have pushed him over the edge with your ‘demands’ that he help.

It would be over for me, not because of his mental health but because he does not have the ability to take responsibility in any shape or form.

with no fault divorce it’s now much easier to get out of the legalities of being financially tied (or responsible) for him. If you have not protected your assets before marrying then the shorter the marriage the better for you financially to extricate yourself. That sounds harsh but the alternative is a longer marriage where he is considered to be disabled and financially dependent on you and ends up walking away with a large share of your house, pension etc as the weaker party. You have to think of yourself and your child too. I financially carried my exH for years and never got any thanks he just got lazier and more entitled. It may seem unsympathetic but a short marriage is treated differently in law and you have a narrow window to walk away with all or most of what you had to start with.

I wondered too - did these ‘increased pressures over the past few years’ that he’s blamed you for @Drowning8453 coincide with your DS being born, meaning you had less time to focus on DH as your main priority?

I don't think it's even that. The husband said 'the pressure the OP put on him in the last few years'. Their child is three. So basically he decided he didn't want a kid after all and didn't like the fact that the OP no longer put all her effort into caring for him. So he's fucked off and blamed her.