DH has left us on MH grounds

[Drowning8453]

DH has been having difficulty with his MH, I would say close on a year that I know of, but possibly a lot longer than that, things like anxiety and depressive moments. He gets very fixated on health issues and gets very very down about them. Once one thing is 'fixed' there will be another quite quickly. When he has a cold he gets very very down about it and starts to fixate and stress.

We have a 3 yr DS and we have lived together for around 5 years now in the home that I owned before we got together. I have asked many times for us to move in to own something together, but he has always either shut the conversation down, changed the subject or said no, it wasn't the right time and he would find it too stressful to move. I have found this really anxiety provoking myself, as everything felt so uncertain. So we have carried on as me being responsible for all the house maintenance and upkeep and him paying me rent each month to cover the bills. I do all of the housework and his 'jobs' have been to do the dishes and cook, plus some food shopping and some laundry which I also do. He will not clean and has no interest in any maintenance things, doesn't see them as his responsibility and thinks that it's my house or I won't like what he does so why do it.

I work 3.5 days a week and I do all of the nights with our DS, as DH is in his own room as we keep him awake and he needs his sleep.

Over the past 6 months, DH's MH has been getting progressively worse, he is constantly tired, doesn't enjoys days out or even want to go on them (which I organise) with DS, is miserable quite often or worrying about a health issue. Christmas day was spent worrying that he had something wrong with his neck. It has put a lot of stress and pressure on me as I feel like I have been trying to support him and also trying to keep things normal and nice for our son.

This has escalated in the last month when DH had a health scare. It was very worrying for us, and has since sent him into a complete spiral. He has been off work and I have been trying to be as supportive as I can. He felt that being alone with our son was too much for him and made him feel worse and stressed, but he was well enough to book an afternoon/lunch/walks with his friends and his hobby. So I have had to take on pretty much all childcare, on top of work and struggling to even get out for a walk on my own.

When I raised an issue with this, it was met with you are adding more stress onto me when I don't need it and walked away from the conversation. He has now left the house to go and stay with family, so that he can be as stress free as possible so he can get well, and doesn't know when/whether he will be able to come back saying that I'm putting too much pressure on him at home and his mental health isn't in the right place for any conversations like that. He has come to see DS for a few hours each weekend, but has said that pushed him too far and took it out of him. I'm alone with our DS, doing everything and trying to keep things as stable as possible while I feel he has simply checked out.

Oh, poor guy. Well, look, why not just let him have all the time he needs to be mollycoddled by mummy and then, when he feels the time is right, you can welcome him back with open arms and maybe - just maybe - if you’re contrite enough, he will forgive you and you’ll all live happily ever after.

Alternatively, you can change the locks, tell him the relationship is over, consult a solicitor and start looking practically at your future, taking steps to focus on your mental health (which sounds frazzled, at best) and your needs.

I wish you well whichever path you take.

OP, is he usually very focused on his own needs and hobbies or is this just since the depression kicked in? What was he like before? Is he very stubborn? Does he fail to see others’ points of view or empathise generally? Sounds like some martyring going on, but is that new or is that usual behaviour for him? How did he manage stress before the depression?

Whilst I think we do need to support our loved ones if their MH is suffering, I also think there would be zero sympathy reserved for a woman who opted out of family life, went to stay with extended family, still had time and energy for friends and hobbies though and hardly saw her child. And then moaned it was all too draining when she did. It would be very unusual for a woman to say this. Why is a father allowed to check out in this way? Depression or no depression. It’s so unfair on your poor child.

I would be taking a long look at this relationship. How it was before. Did he make you happy? Did he partake in life?

I am on a forum for partners of autistic people and his behaviour is reminiscent of what some people on there report; checking out of family life, very focused on their own health/ailments, unable to support the spouse/partner emotionally or practically (eg managing the house) or have much emotional attachment to the children. Obviously that’s not how all autistic people are! My own DP is autistic and isn’t like this at all. He is very hands on and emotionally attached. The reason I ask about how he was before the depression is to try and ascertain if this is out of character and recent(ish), or whether it’s a continuation of behaviours associated with ND. And before anyone gives me a hard time, I am ND myself. A lot of ND people can be prone to depression. So it’s just an area maybe worth exploration is all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am in a similar situation re husband, but the difference here is that we don't have children (a blessing, I think) and it is me who is thinking of leaving. We are thirty years into our marriage. We met on holiday and got married within 5 months, having set the date after three weeks (25 and 26 year old fools!). The novelty has worn off now, I am fed up with being the one putting up with the moods, the negativity, the anxiety, although my husband won't actually seek medical help for any of his perceived ailments. Either way, this won't get any better unless he's really prepared to put the work in, and while it feels like a cop out that he's scarpered, you will honestly do yourself no favours by trying to look after him and your child, and yourself. He's not a waste of space, he's having a crap time, but it's never going to be good for you all the time he has this anxiety. I am mentally drained all the time with my husband. He is anxious, unpredictable, unintentionally snappy and by default abusive, and yet he is a wonderful friend to so many people. He's just not good to me at home. I feel your pain, but honestly, walk away now and be supportive at a distance to the man who fathered your child so that their relationship can be maintained, but you will be miserable if you stay with him, or try to, as he doesn't seem to want to at the moment. Not a bad thing though, for him to admit he can't do it. I'm sorry you're going through this :( xxx Don't waste lots of years. I did. You get older and you realise xx

I’m glad he’s unpacking it in therapy.
meanwhile it’s a great opportunity for you to feel how fab it is not to walk on eggshells around his fragile, useless arse.

Shocking that he is blaming you for his MH issues.

This can't be doing your self-esteem any good at all @Drowning8453

Honestly, you deserve better - you and your son.

Fuck that shit.

Lawyer up!

Millions of women (myself included) have MH issues and somehow don't abandon our families, many have to cope with MH and parenting as single parents.

Seems OP has been left holding all the responsabilities for both of them, what if she starts to suffer from MH issues too?

89% of single parents are women, despite women being a higher risk group of parenting specific MH issues (like post natal depression) but they stick it out.

MH is not an excuse for abandoning your kid and refusing all responsibilities (and showing up only for a few easy fun hours on a weekend is abandonment).

Read your own updates Op, he seems to have done nothing to help with his MH problems until you forced him, he now blames you for his physical symptoms even though you were doing 90% of the load. He's setting himself up to do absolutely nothing if he comes back and I expect he's telling his family you've run him into the ground with stress.
Unless he can show you he's doing everything possible to get well now without you forcing it I'd consider this marriage over

I can’t believe how assumptive some of the comments are on here, it’s farcical. ‘Leave him, change the locks etc’. I’m a psychiatric professional myself, and it’s blaringly obvious from the OPs post that he has Health Anxiety.

We need a bit more info before you can judge him as a bad man, especially given the evident mental health issues. Too often people conflate behaviour with character; if he’s not well he’s going to be causing problems for everyone.

I think some people don't want to be well, and I think he is one of them.

My sympathy is with OP not him with his "health anxiety".

Presumably since you are the cause of all his anxiety and MH problems, and since he has been staying at his Mum’s for a little while now……… all his issues have vanished now and he is all better? Hmmmm

I was going to say something like this. I mean, it sounds as though your existing at all has put pressure on him.

When you think about your life longterm, do you feel as though it would be more comfortable without him in your house? If so, get on with the divorce. Do it before his family get utterly fed up and send him back to you.

Too little, too late. As most everyone else is saying, you need to call it a day with this man. You will be far better off without him.

Unbelievable....dump him

He is a heavy stone around your neck and it may be scary but you and your son will be better off without him. He has an excuse for everything and he’s gaslighting you into thinking it’s all your fault - it isn’t. Start again without him.

Don't hold your breath expecting meds and therapy to fix this. So often men like this invent or exaggerate "mental health problems" because they won't admit that parenting wasn't what they thought it'd be and they actually can't be bothered with it all. This way they manage to turn it into the woman's fault, gain sympathy from others and walk away with their self-image intact.

The pressure you put on him? What, the expectation that he acts like a fucking grown up and parents his own child? Twat. Are you married to him?

This

This x gosh it's just so awful for your child x

He’s quite unwell mentally and needs help. I would support him actively sorting himself out. He has walked away and given you space to create peaceful and healthy environment for your child plus admitted he’s not fit to have his child for too long. I would take that as a positive tbh. Is it possible your husband is undiagnosed neurodivergent?

did you not ask him to seek help before?
chances are his mum has organised it

He might have health anxiety, but he’s dumped his wife and child yet manages to have an active social life and to feel “pressured” by seeing his child every few weeks. He’s gaslit his wife into
thinking it’s her fault. I’ve got health anxiety. I don’t neglect my kids. He’s a dickhead.

Forgive me, OP, but what on earth are you getting out of this relationship? He has constant health scares for which he blames you; doesn’t even share a bed because he “needs his sleep”; won’t buy a house with you; runs home to Mummy when normal family life gets too much; can’t go out with you and DC but is quite able to go out with his mates; has said that seeing his own DC for a few hours at the weekend “pushes him too far” - truly, OP, is this really the DH you want for yourself and DF you want for your DC? This is no sort of family life, and it seems to me that you and DC both deserve better.