DH has left us on MH grounds

[Drowning8453]

DH has been having difficulty with his MH, I would say close on a year that I know of, but possibly a lot longer than that, things like anxiety and depressive moments. He gets very fixated on health issues and gets very very down about them. Once one thing is 'fixed' there will be another quite quickly. When he has a cold he gets very very down about it and starts to fixate and stress.

We have a 3 yr DS and we have lived together for around 5 years now in the home that I owned before we got together. I have asked many times for us to move in to own something together, but he has always either shut the conversation down, changed the subject or said no, it wasn't the right time and he would find it too stressful to move. I have found this really anxiety provoking myself, as everything felt so uncertain. So we have carried on as me being responsible for all the house maintenance and upkeep and him paying me rent each month to cover the bills. I do all of the housework and his 'jobs' have been to do the dishes and cook, plus some food shopping and some laundry which I also do. He will not clean and has no interest in any maintenance things, doesn't see them as his responsibility and thinks that it's my house or I won't like what he does so why do it.

I work 3.5 days a week and I do all of the nights with our DS, as DH is in his own room as we keep him awake and he needs his sleep.

Over the past 6 months, DH's MH has been getting progressively worse, he is constantly tired, doesn't enjoys days out or even want to go on them (which I organise) with DS, is miserable quite often or worrying about a health issue. Christmas day was spent worrying that he had something wrong with his neck. It has put a lot of stress and pressure on me as I feel like I have been trying to support him and also trying to keep things normal and nice for our son.

This has escalated in the last month when DH had a health scare. It was very worrying for us, and has since sent him into a complete spiral. He has been off work and I have been trying to be as supportive as I can. He felt that being alone with our son was too much for him and made him feel worse and stressed, but he was well enough to book an afternoon/lunch/walks with his friends and his hobby. So I have had to take on pretty much all childcare, on top of work and struggling to even get out for a walk on my own.

When I raised an issue with this, it was met with you are adding more stress onto me when I don't need it and walked away from the conversation. He has now left the house to go and stay with family, so that he can be as stress free as possible so he can get well, and doesn't know when/whether he will be able to come back saying that I'm putting too much pressure on him at home and his mental health isn't in the right place for any conversations like that. He has come to see DS for a few hours each weekend, but has said that pushed him too far and took it out of him. I'm alone with our DS, doing everything and trying to keep things as stable as possible while I feel he has simply checked out.

Sounds like a classic case of he doesn't want to be a dad or a partner.

I'm not dismissing his depression or anxiety. I know how debilitating they can be but it doesn't seem like he's taken any accountability to get better or do better so he can be a present and responsive parent and partner and it's become the perfect scapegoat for just checking out.

Why would he want to get better or do better if you'll expect him to do his fair share? Much easier to blame others for his mental health and wallow and walk away.

He's making you into the bad guy here though because instead of just saying I want to split up, he's creating a situation where you will say you've had enough and he can say woe is me my wife left me and took our child when I was at my lowest. That's not on.

I don't think this issue can be rectified OP, been there got the T shirt, but prepare yourself for the emotional manipulation that will come from all angles.

Count your blessings, change the locks and enjoy the rest of your life free of this absolute millstone around your neck.

Can I also just add that he said that the pressure I have been putting on him over the past few years, and the dynamic in our relationship has likely cause the health scare issue and some of his other health issues.

This. Take the gift he has given you, reclaim your freedom and move on with your life.

@Drowning8453 what is he doing re his MH?

It IS really hard to juggle being a parent and being unwell (MH or physical health) but the main thing for me is whether he is actually trying to get better.
I can understand why he finds looking after his dcs hard work but can cope with his hobby and friends. I know I did when I had PND. The difference is that I had no choice re looking after them…. That’s societal expectations though and you won’t be able to change that with him. Not at this stage.

Document all.this as evidence of his "inability" to parent. Get it in text/writing/ emails. So that when you start the legals he can't suddenly decide he can now do 50/50, once there is financial incentive. Make sure to document his claims to MH issues too, so that you have leverage to refuse custody until he is assessed as safe, if that becomes relevant.

As others have said, the rubbish has taken itself out here. If you were my DD and DGC I'd be breathing a huge sigh of relief.

Oh right ok, it’s all your fault. He’s abandoned you and your child but is well enough to go out with his mates/family etc. He’s an utter waste of space and you’ve had a lucky escape.

That's an easy one to answer then, isn't it?

"Go, go freely, I would not wish you back again!"

@Drowning8453 massive squishes.

you say you fear he’s checked out - I don’t think he ever checked in.

He did bare minimum if that. He’s made no serious efforts to help himself and expects you to pander to him and tip toe around his consistent never ending issues.

i had this many many years ago and when he finally left the home it was a relief. I certainly didn’t let him come back in. I haven’t looked back. I haven’t regretted it (other than not doing it sooner). My kids were better off without his moods and behaviour in our home 24:7.

good luck. xx

Oh come on op, re read what you’ve just written. This man is emotionally abusing you.

Agree with the pp's who say dont let this draining knobhead back in your lives.

Is his motive to get better or is it a stalling tactic to garner sympathy from you so he doesn't lose his nanny, maid, PA and nurse in one fell swoop?

Are you complaining about this man leaving you? I'd be celebrating!

Start divorce proceedings, put in a CMS application and enjoy being with your child without this miserable man.

So…. I can also say the same thing. (And I have a life long illness + dusabikity as a result).
However, that’s on me (just like it’s on him). When things are that bad they affect your health, it’s up to you to do something about it. And yes sometimes, you dint see it when you’re right in the middle. But that doesn’t mean you can blame your partner instead.

He is looking for someone/something to blame all his issues on. It’s not unusual when you’re struggling with health. But putting everything on you also means he is/has killed your marriage.

I came on this thread anticipating writing something sympathetic to your DH, because I had a breakdown last year and at the time felt like the only thing I could do was leave the family (I didn't. Well, I did, but just for 24 hours to get my head in a better place). But having read your post OP I don't have much for DH.

If he's not doing anything to improve his MH, I would cut yourself lose from him now. The shorter the marriage, hopefully the less of a financial hit you'll have to take.

I’d have little sympathy for someone who says Theyre ill and unwell etc… but is doing nothing about it.

im surprised his GP didn’t give ADs when he went off work tbh.

Plenty of people have mental health problems and don't need to leave tge family home. The whole thing seems like a nightmare and you are better off out.

This is such a difficult issue for everyone involved. My sympathies are with you OP but also with anyone suffering from depression. When I was in my 30’s I was diagnosed with clinical depression and my GP told me that it was likely that this could continue in cycles. I really struggled to be the mum to my children that they needed and found everything too difficult. I would drop them at school and then spend all day in bed. I could barely speak and lost my appetite. And always felt guilty for not wanting to be there but so full of anxiety that I wanted to be asleep, permanently. When you feel so overwhelmed with life, it is difficult to do anything, including get help.
There is no standard answer for MH as each person’s experience and mind are unique. Has DH talked to you about why he is feeling this way? Does he have a history of depression?
Many years later, I discovered EMDR and I have not been depressed since then. That was 6 years ago. It might be worth suggesting to DH.
I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness with or without DH. Only you can decide what is best for you and your child.

He has kept you at arms length, putting himself first every time.

He isn't the man that you deserve, hope his mh recovers but stick with the separation.

This is a good start, as long as he sticks with it.

My DH has health anxiety but the first sign of it interrupting a planned day trip and me losing my temper with him and telling him to get some help he sought help from his GP and was referred for CBT with a local charity.

Your DH's MH battles sound more severe than my DH's, but admitting there is an issue is the first step, and the second step is getting help.

Severe MH problems can make people selfish. They're so caught up in protecting themselves, they don't think of the impact this is having on others around them.

So while his behaviour is unacceptable, it might be his MH issues driving them.

Only time will tell whether he'll continue on the path of recovery and, even if he does, whether he's a true partner to you.

"Can I also just add that he said that the pressure I have been putting on him over the past few years, and the dynamic in our relationship has likely cause the health scare issue and some of his other health issues."

Well then, he's in a much better place isn't he. He doesn't have to put up with you making him ill and his mummy can make it better. Honestly OP, if you take him back now this will be your life - forever. Just think about it. You don't really need to ask Mumsnet, do you.

I had sympathy for him and hoped he was taking positive measures until this.

He's manipulating you OP. For all difficulties MH issues create, they are his to manage and get support for. Blaming you whilst having you pick up the slack is emotional abuse.

Fuck that shit! I mean, I said some horrible things to DH when I was in the depths of my breakdown, but I think he could tell I wasn't in my right mind and that I didn't actual mean any of it. What your DH said to you (unless he was highly distressed when saying it) sounds like manipulation.

Really, what do you get from this relationship? Also, consider the impact his behaviour will have on your DS as he gets older if he sticks around.

@AllAtSea4 The key difference is that despite your illness, you felt an innate sense of responsibility towards your children and did your absolute best for them. 🤗

He's just left his DS and gone home to his Mum.

@Drowning8453 I wondering - did his MH start deteriorating after your DS was born, i.e. when he was no longer the centre of your attention?

This is not a marriage