DH has left us on MH grounds

[Drowning8453]

DH has been having difficulty with his MH, I would say close on a year that I know of, but possibly a lot longer than that, things like anxiety and depressive moments. He gets very fixated on health issues and gets very very down about them. Once one thing is 'fixed' there will be another quite quickly. When he has a cold he gets very very down about it and starts to fixate and stress.

We have a 3 yr DS and we have lived together for around 5 years now in the home that I owned before we got together. I have asked many times for us to move in to own something together, but he has always either shut the conversation down, changed the subject or said no, it wasn't the right time and he would find it too stressful to move. I have found this really anxiety provoking myself, as everything felt so uncertain. So we have carried on as me being responsible for all the house maintenance and upkeep and him paying me rent each month to cover the bills. I do all of the housework and his 'jobs' have been to do the dishes and cook, plus some food shopping and some laundry which I also do. He will not clean and has no interest in any maintenance things, doesn't see them as his responsibility and thinks that it's my house or I won't like what he does so why do it.

I work 3.5 days a week and I do all of the nights with our DS, as DH is in his own room as we keep him awake and he needs his sleep.

Over the past 6 months, DH's MH has been getting progressively worse, he is constantly tired, doesn't enjoys days out or even want to go on them (which I organise) with DS, is miserable quite often or worrying about a health issue. Christmas day was spent worrying that he had something wrong with his neck. It has put a lot of stress and pressure on me as I feel like I have been trying to support him and also trying to keep things normal and nice for our son.

This has escalated in the last month when DH had a health scare. It was very worrying for us, and has since sent him into a complete spiral. He has been off work and I have been trying to be as supportive as I can. He felt that being alone with our son was too much for him and made him feel worse and stressed, but he was well enough to book an afternoon/lunch/walks with his friends and his hobby. So I have had to take on pretty much all childcare, on top of work and struggling to even get out for a walk on my own.

When I raised an issue with this, it was met with you are adding more stress onto me when I don't need it and walked away from the conversation. He has now left the house to go and stay with family, so that he can be as stress free as possible so he can get well, and doesn't know when/whether he will be able to come back saying that I'm putting too much pressure on him at home and his mental health isn't in the right place for any conversations like that. He has come to see DS for a few hours each weekend, but has said that pushed him too far and took it out of him. I'm alone with our DS, doing everything and trying to keep things as stable as possible while I feel he has simply checked out.

Don’t let him come back. You’re doing everything alone anyway and without this millstone round your neck, you and DS will thrive
i have a great understanding of MH as I have bipolar but he’s not even going through the motions.
Seek legal advice but he’s not automatically entitled to a share of your home., especially as you have a DS
It depends on the duration of the marriage.

Oh just tell him to piss the piss off. Useless whinging whining man baby. Does fuck all at home and spends all his time complaining about his issues but does nothing about it.

Absolute waste of space.

I was diagnosed with a health related anxiety disorder a few years ago and I can understand what he is going through.

Any little pain or thing that I perceived as ‘wrong’ with me would send me into a spiral of anxiety. One time, I ended up in hospital because I thought I had rabies from touching fruit that bats had eaten.

Living with an anxiety disorder is unbearable. The invasive thoughts are CONSTANT and there is no relief. No sleep, can’t concentrate. Literally cannot stop thinking about the worst case scenario. It is all consuming and mentally and physically exhausting. I couldn’t cook, exercise or go to work, it was all too much. I developed headaches from constant neck and shoulder tension. I was always tired.

I got help though. I didn’t want to live like that anymore and now, I am much better. I saw a psychologist and went through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Best thing I ever did for myself.

Your husband needs professional help. If he doesn’t seek it, I’m afraid things will not get better on their own. You can’t be expected to be there is he won’t look after himself so he can get better.

I hope he gets help and that you can get get back on track.

I say this kindly but you are so much better off with him gone - he sounds really awful. To blame you for him shirking his responsibilities and for leaving is just so low. He has done you a favour by leaving of his own accord and I hope that in time you find someone so much kinder and supportive and committed

Good riddance to bad rubbish! What a selfish prat. Change the locks and make the best life for you and your son.

But well enough to go out with his friends and do his hobbi.

I don’t think you should be letting him back, he’s done you a favour. Now you need some boundaries like he doesn’t live there anymore and he doesn’t need to come in, he can see ds at his parents or take him to the park. You need to develop your life for you and ds and stop putting all the energy and headspace into this emotional drain. While he has you to blame he will never take any accountability, I would send him an email telling him the child support amount, and cut contact to necessary only. Go through cms very quickly if he is not cooperating. He owes ds this.

He is unable to do what is required of an adult in their role as spouse and parent. You need to set him free and be glad that you can support yourselves and have your own home. Honestly no idea how you've tolerated this awful situation for so long.

Is he definitely a DH not a DP? If a DH, how long have you been married for and did you cohabit prior to marriage?

Recognise that when there is the opportunity to protect children as there is here it’s quite fine for a mum to take that opportunity.

Can you give some examples of when men have it the worst?

And also an example where they have it worse but haven’t created it themselves.

However, the point of this thread has been missed. It still wouldn’t be “oh poor little lamb!” if it were a woman in the DH’s shoes. She’d be burned at the stake and have it far worse on the responses front.

^^ sadly, this

Translation: since you had a child you’ve been expecting him to parent and do stuff and he doesn’t like it

It’s not your job to fix him. Full stop. My mum stayed with my dad through thick and thin. He took his own life anyway. My brother told him to do it - he was only 16 and he’d had enough. Six years later, he was dead too. Mum died at 71 after two bouts of cancer. My MH was wrecked. I had the utmost sympathy and empathy for both my parents but she should have thrown him out much earlier.

Could you be any more patronising?

Hypochondriacs are narc nightmares.

Congrats. He’s gone!

I didn't say it was right, did I? I made it more than clear that it was unacceptable.

The OP has mentioned that he is happy going out with his friends and will make arrangements with them but doesn’t seem to want to commit to the relationship, finances or the child.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I admit that I am finding all of this really difficult to process and have moments where I am thinking that maybe I have put too much pressure on, or expected too much. But most of the pressure has been me wanting to own a house together so that I am not wholly responsible for maintaining and having a home. And also that I was finding the lack of interest and low moods on days out or at home almost intolerable.

He is now saying that he feels a bit better, but it's peaks and troughs, but he wants to help and will have DS overnight a couple of times over the next few weeks. He still doesn't want to come back home, as he needs to focus on getting himself well again. I'm grateful for the help, but I'm still left with the lion's share of parenting, and I just can't even fathom me being able to leave like this.

Either he's well enough to parent or he's not.

There isn't a middle ground here.

If he doesn't want to stay in the family home then just divorce he and let him formalise his access to your DS.

He really is full of shit. He just wants to be Disney Dad.

Oh and don't facilitate him. If he wants to look after your son then he needs to pick him up (not you drop him off), he needs to look after all his needs whilst he has his son (so you don't go around arranging everything for him like clothes and play date stuff that your previously agreed to)

If he wants to be a parent he does the boring difficult shit too.

Totally agree. You need assurance from him that his mental health is good enough for solo parenting or not. He can’t play the “My mental health is too bad to be a parent” card one minute….. the next he claims he is perfectly safe to have sole charge of a child for 3 overnights a week. He can’t have it both ways.

If in any doubt, then do not allow him to have unsupervised contact with your child. You absolutely are within your rights to refuse this if you think that it will be unsafe. But I would highly recommend that this communication is made via text or email, so that you have written evidence if needed for court.

Hmm, I’m going to be suspicious here and wonder whether his Mum/another family member has warned him that you could start asking for child maintenance if he doesn’t do any parenting at all-so he’s now trying to establish a pattern of childcare so he can ask for 50/50 and avoid it?

What I’d do is put everything in writing and respond to his request via text or email. I’d say that given how unwell he was just a few days ago, isn’t it too soon for him to be looking after your DS? Use his own language -that as it was too stressful for him to see DS for a few hours last weekend, how can he be well enough to have DS for two overnights less than week later?

Wouldn’t it be better for him to continue getting medical support and fully recover?
Your DS’s safety and well-being is your primary concern.

He’ll probably respond by saying that his Mim will help out, but you can repeat that if that’s the case, he’s clearly not well enough yet to have your DS then.

He’s created this situation and he needs to show that he’s willing and able to properly parent. He’s abandoned your DS once, I wouldn’t risk it again yet.

Exactly @Hollietree. I just don’t see how he could be so much better since last weekend, when he couldn’t cope with a few hours with their DS. It’s not realistic.

My cynical self I suspects that he’s worried about paying maintenance and wants to establish a pattern of overnight care.

Hmm. So he’s fucked off, citing his mental health, and is now now blaming all of that on you, while claiming he wants his child a bit, eventually 50:50 (so he doesn’t have to pay), who leaving you to do literally everything in the meantime while he takes some time for himself to ‘heal’?

Hmm.