DH has left us on MH grounds

[Drowning8453]

DH has been having difficulty with his MH, I would say close on a year that I know of, but possibly a lot longer than that, things like anxiety and depressive moments. He gets very fixated on health issues and gets very very down about them. Once one thing is 'fixed' there will be another quite quickly. When he has a cold he gets very very down about it and starts to fixate and stress.

We have a 3 yr DS and we have lived together for around 5 years now in the home that I owned before we got together. I have asked many times for us to move in to own something together, but he has always either shut the conversation down, changed the subject or said no, it wasn't the right time and he would find it too stressful to move. I have found this really anxiety provoking myself, as everything felt so uncertain. So we have carried on as me being responsible for all the house maintenance and upkeep and him paying me rent each month to cover the bills. I do all of the housework and his 'jobs' have been to do the dishes and cook, plus some food shopping and some laundry which I also do. He will not clean and has no interest in any maintenance things, doesn't see them as his responsibility and thinks that it's my house or I won't like what he does so why do it.

I work 3.5 days a week and I do all of the nights with our DS, as DH is in his own room as we keep him awake and he needs his sleep.

Over the past 6 months, DH's MH has been getting progressively worse, he is constantly tired, doesn't enjoys days out or even want to go on them (which I organise) with DS, is miserable quite often or worrying about a health issue. Christmas day was spent worrying that he had something wrong with his neck. It has put a lot of stress and pressure on me as I feel like I have been trying to support him and also trying to keep things normal and nice for our son.

This has escalated in the last month when DH had a health scare. It was very worrying for us, and has since sent him into a complete spiral. He has been off work and I have been trying to be as supportive as I can. He felt that being alone with our son was too much for him and made him feel worse and stressed, but he was well enough to book an afternoon/lunch/walks with his friends and his hobby. So I have had to take on pretty much all childcare, on top of work and struggling to even get out for a walk on my own.

When I raised an issue with this, it was met with you are adding more stress onto me when I don't need it and walked away from the conversation. He has now left the house to go and stay with family, so that he can be as stress free as possible so he can get well, and doesn't know when/whether he will be able to come back saying that I'm putting too much pressure on him at home and his mental health isn't in the right place for any conversations like that. He has come to see DS for a few hours each weekend, but has said that pushed him too far and took it out of him. I'm alone with our DS, doing everything and trying to keep things as stable as possible while I feel he has simply checked out.

Get him to fuck. What a self serving entitled wet wipe!

Please do better for your son and you!

What a drain he is.

@Iloveshoes123 Having grown up with a father with lifelong MH problems, I also believe that the unwell parent is responsible for protecting their children from their problems as best they can. I'm diagnosed with anxiety and so I take medication/have had counselling, because I don't want it to affect my children.

Having a child nowadays is a choice and if you make that choice, you need to seek support and try your hardest to parent well. You don't bugger off and leave the other parent to pick up the pieces!

That’s the end. He’s walked out and can stay out.

Get help/support from any family/friends you have.

Divorce him - you need legal advice though as he might try to get half your house.

At this point I think you should just concentrate on letting yourself have a break. Enjoy not tip toeing around him, simple but nutritious food for you & DS, chilling out with DS & having fun without worrying about DH's reaction.

you don't need to make big decisions immediately.

🥰

@Drowning8453 Do you get on well with his Mum? Does she realize that he's abandoning his son?

I'd be furious if one of my children treated their child like this tbh.

I hope that by writing this down and rereading it you can see how unfairly you and your child are being treated. It all seems to be about your DH. What about your life and how you feel? I think he's done you a favour by going of his own accord. Time to set your life up how you want it

It’s not because he’s male. It’s because he appears to have made precisely zero effort to manage his own MH or to consider the toll it is taking on his family, and appears to view the OP as some kind of human service animal.

I think he's done you a favour. It's not your job to fix him. That's no life for a child or you.

OP be glad he has gone. He is no good as a partner, husband or father. Time to divorce and have a much happier life. Good luck.

What's the point of him? He is a shit husband and a terrible father. You and your DS are better off without him. He is entirely self-centred and makes sure everything revolves around him. Is he genuinely ill or just attention seeking?

Don't let him come back home, file for divorce and apply for child maintenance.

Bin him off . It’s not good for your son to be around this . Your life will be easier not worrying over him . He hardly sounds like partner and father material .

I'd initiate divorce proceedings. He isn't making any effort to manage his mental health by the sounds of it. I have no sympathy for people who refuse to help themselves when their actions are impacting a child. If he can go out with friends and do his hobby but not see his own kid, he is a scumbag. You can have mental health issues and also be a massive twat, the two are not mutually exclusive. LTB.

Run. Run fast and run far. He’s made it very clear he does not want any responsibility. He’s a man child. You have one child, you don’t need a grown adult acting like one.

My empathy dried up when I read he was well enough to meet his mates and do his hobby but not to entertain his son. He can't just check out of parenthood! Meanwhile, you are very capably being the sole parent, running a home and working. I'm sorry but in your shoes (and with your own home), I'd be questioning what he is bringing to the table in terms of family dynamics; and whether or not you and your son would be better off with him living elsewhere permanently.

Honestly It sounds like you and your son are better off without him. Try to enjoy time with your son and be glad he’s gone. MH is serious but when you have a child you need to get a grip or medication, it sounds like he’s doing nothing.

I think not giving a shit about the MH of your partner or child whilst you fret over every sneeze and leave all of life admin to your partner is disgusting.

And something a woman would be hauled over the coals for whereas the threshold for men being excused on those grounds is a lot lower.

I agree, but clearly in this case her DH has no interest in getting help therefore she needs to protect her child. How they have been living is not normal and frankly they sound like they would be a lot better off without him.

If he is seeking help from a GP then I would say you’re being unsupportive. If he hasn’t been to a GP, or isn’t making any plans to, then YANBU

Having poor mental health doesn't mean you get a free pass to make everyone in your life miserable. Please don't inflict his issues onto your child. They deserve a happy childhood.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Honestly, you aren't responsible for your partner, his MH or trying to 'fix' him. He needs professional help, on top of him helping himself. Has he actually sought any help? What has he done to try and help himself? I would be ending the relationship. You and your son deserve much better.

An update, he has just started therapy sessions because I basically made him. He also just this week started on an SSRI, which I really hope helps him.

Your 'husband' sounds absolutely pathetic, but you should have stood up to his behavior sooner. Hopefully he doesn't have too much/any claim on your house.

You won't realise it for a while, but you've had a very lucky escape. You could've spent 20 years with him and, trust me, he would only get much worse. Age rarely improves anyone, especially men. Do not ask him to come back and I suggest you change the locks. He is a self absorbed misery who will drag you and your son to rock bottom. Interesting that his MH issues don't seem to affect his friendship group or hobby. Let his parents "look after" him and don't let them try to mediate between you two because I expect they'll want him out before too long.

I would also start him on divorce proceedings. You deserve better than this.

@PrivateMum222 I still don't think that moving back to your Mum's and not helping properly with your child is OK. Many parents mentally feel at the end of their tethers sometimes, but they don't run home to their parents, because their children are their responsibility.