To think SAHD is totally unfair ?

[greyA]

My husband became a SAHD 9 months ago - we have a 1 year old and a 9 year old. I wfh and love my job and earn a good wage- he hated his job, money was poor, was facing redundancy plus he’d always romanticised being at home so we took the plunge. My expectation of him possibly was a tad high to begin with - I assumed I would be responsible financially for everything and he’d take the lions share of the childcare / housework. He said to me this evening- like he frequently does what a luxury it is that I get to sit on my bum all day working whilst he’s juggling our toddler. For context, I had the toddler whilst he did the school run this morning and grabbed a coffee whilst I put a load of washing on, and hoovered, all whilst entertaining toddler and juggling teams messages. When he returned I started work, popping downstairs frequently to see them both. Toddler napped after lunch and he went to run errands and when toddler woke up after only 35 minutes I was left ( as I frequently am ) juggling work and a toddler. He constantly expects me to drop what I’m doing so he can do what he needs which frequently leaves me behind with work. I’m also still doing a huge amount of housework ( we had a cleaner until recently but it didn’t work out ) AIBU to expect a bit more ?

Can you go out of the house to work so he stops taking the piss?

He sounds like a bit of a dud.

He didn't manage the working work.
Now he's not managing the SAHD role.

Surely, he's fully free to apply for fully WHF roles if he thinks they are so handy?

He's lazy, sees ever option as easier than what he has.

when toddler woke up after only 35 minutes I was left ( as I frequently am ) juggling work and a toddler. He constantly expects me to drop what I’m doing so he can do what he needs which frequently leaves me behind with work

Stop being such a wet blanket.

If he's a SAHD that means 100% of your working day, he has the dc. Stop agreeing to mind the toddler when you should be working.

I’d go and work in the library or coffee shop. He needs to stop seeing you as so available. Once you’re not there to pick up what he doesn’t do he’ll soon realise how little he does. He’ll obviously complain more too and the house will be less tidy and the washing won’t get done but until he realises how much you do he won’t change. I’d stop doing his washing too.

Given he can’t hold down a job he sounds lazy and seems to act like a victim. Has he got any positives?

What a chancer! OP if you can go into the office, even just for a few weeks, or find another workspace you can use then do that to stop him taking the piss then you can gradually come back home with stronger boundaries. Otherwise he can go back to work since he thinks it’s so much easier.

You really need to set boundaries, as if you are not at home - what would he do? This is why I prefer physically being out of the house!

Tbh, I think WFH with young children at home doesn’t work. I know that’s not going to be a popular view here as MN husbands appear to meekly disappear upstairs and no one knows of their existence. Mine is a PITA and in and out and up and down and it winds the kids up no end.

He is now back in the office and life is much easier.

I think if you have to WFH it has to be work, no going up and down, it’s unfair on everybody. That’s not to say DH isn’t taking the piss but someone being present and around then vanishing is harder than them just not being there.

Is there an office to work from? I think you going up and down stairs and watching the baby at nap times is blurring the boundaries. I think this is more on you than him.

Agree with him that working is a luxury, and offer to be a SAHM and let him go back to work?

OP, why are you having the toddler at all in your working day? On my days off with pre-schoolers when DP was WFH he came out for coffee and lunch and I kept the kids from disturbing him as much as possible. When I did the school run with the big one, the pre-schooler came with.

What is the point of having a SAHP if they aren't doing the childcare and what house stuff is manageable around that? Yes, when you have finished work in the evening you both contribute and share childcare and housework, but not during the day!

Sounds like you need some better boundaries.

What are your work hours? 9-5? 8.30-5.30?
During those hours you need to stay in your office and stop popping down to do things - get on with your job.
He needs to take full responsibility for children/home in that time.

Its funny (and depressing), that a SAHM is usually running herself raggard when the Dad usually does nothing, yet when it's a SAHD it's still the Mum that gets the shit end of the stick

Job satisfaction is heritable. Which probably means it’s hard-wired. He wasn’t happy working, he’s not happy SAH. He’s just one of those people for whom doing constructive, purposeful work every day is a grind.

That doesn’t mean you have to do 100% of the paid work, 50% of the hands on parenting, 50% of the housework and 100% of the being a grown-up.

If he doesn’t enjoy and want to do the parenting work, he can go to work and you can pay for childcare and cleaning. I do believe WFH/WOH parents should do housework, because a SAHP doing it all becomes unfair quickly. But in this case he doesn’t even want to do the parenting part of SAHP.

Tomorrow you tell him you are in constant teams meetings/calls. Do not disturb unless house is on fire. Remind him that headphones will be on and you will not be able to hear him. No you cannot watch toddler at any point. If he needs to pop out then he takes toddler with him.
Nip down for a quick lunch only. Do not put on washing/walk the dog/look after toddler whilst he disappears for a leisurely poo.
Keep this up all week. Jam the door shut so he can't just dump toddler on you.

He’s taking the absolute piss and then complaining your life is easier. Cheeky bastard.

Do you point this out when he makes his shitty comments?

Tell him if he isn't wanting to be a sahp and do all the things that come with that that's fine because sahp isn't the right fit for everyone so he should go back to work and you can split the domestic stuff 50/50

He's useless. Get out of the house

It's depressing that I'm not even surprised it works out that way😒

As PP have said look into working out of the home at least some days a week, even if it means using a local library or shared office space.
Also stop doing housework or childcare when you’re working. Running errands with children in tow is part of being a SAHP so getting you to look after the toddler when you’re working should be for emergencies only

Stop popping out of your office!
You need to set firm boundaries. Your office hours are X to Y and you are not to be disturbed. You get your lunch break but that’s a BREAK, not an opportunity for him to run off and do stuff. Do not ‘just’ do this or that - you have to keep yourself in check too. Then you will have done a proper days work, come out of your office at the end of the day ready for some cuddles!

According to him, it’s impossible to run errands with a toddler but possible to work.

What a twat.

Mix of issues here.

1. You need firm and clear boundaries. WFH is still working and therefore you are NOT available for childcare, at all. Even if she is asleep, you’re not available to be the one watching for a nap because if she wakes you are not available. Set that in place now, and do not budge on it. If you can’t enforce that while WFH then it’s time to go into the office or rent a workspace.

but also

2. I do think there is very frequently a bit of two way resentment in relationships where there is a SAHP, regardless of whether it is mum or dad, and genuinely I see both sides. It always seems like the other person has it better, when I was on maternity leave with our daughter I sometimes did think how “lucky” my husband was to get to sit at his desk all day in peace, chat to colleagues, have a wee and some lunch on his own etc, but I also know my husband thought I was lucky to be at home all day spending so much quality time with our daughter- the grass always seems to be greener elsewhere.

You must have a very generous employer to allow you to be doing childcare during your working hours.
Surely DH should not be off running errands, leaving you with the toddler, even if he believes they are asleep. Likewise many SAHM take younger siblings on the school run.
I agree with PP who say you need to find somewhere else to work, or go back to the office.
If your DH isn't happy with being the primary carer then he needs to get a job and you look for a nursery for the little one.
You need to make sure you are unavailable during working hours and not keep.popping out to say hello/check in with them.

OP who do you work for? Is your job secure?
Does it not bother you that you are not giving the job you are being paid for and the job that supports your families finances the attention you should be doing?

I suggest you go back into the office and leave your SAHD to it.