Page 4 | To think SAHD is totally unfair ?

greyA · 2025-05-19T19:16:26+00:00

My husband became a SAHD 9 months ago - we have a 1 year old and a 9 year old. I wfh and love my job and earn a good wage- he hated his job, money was poor, was facing redundancy plus he’d always romanticised being at home so we took the plunge. My expectation of him possibly was a tad high to begin with - I assumed I would be responsible financially for everything and he’d take the lions share of the childcare / housework. He said to me this evening- like he frequently does what a luxury it is that I get to sit on my bum all day working whilst he’s juggling our toddler. For context, I had the toddler whilst he did the school run this morning and grabbed a coffee whilst I put a load of washing on, and hoovered, all whilst entertaining toddler and juggling teams messages. When he returned I started work, popping downstairs frequently to see them both. Toddler napped after lunch and he went to run errands and when toddler woke up after only 35 minutes I was left ( as I frequently am ) juggling work and a toddler. He constantly expects me to drop what I’m doing so he can do what he needs which frequently leaves me behind with work. I’m also still doing a huge amount of housework ( we had a cleaner until recently but it didn’t work out ) AIBU to expect a bit more ?

Eenameenadeeka · 19/05/2025 23:31

Him being a SAHP means that you should not do ANY childcare during your work hours.

CalleOcho · 19/05/2025 23:32

He said to me this evening- like he frequently does what a luxury it is that I get to sit on my bum all day working whilst he’s juggling our toddle

Tell him to trade places.

Tell him to go out there and get a job that matches your current salary. Then you quit your job and be a SAHM.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 19/05/2025 23:36

Nah he needs to take toddler with him to run errands!!! What a piss take. The only exception would be if your DH had to go to the dentist and could only get that day or something and was going to be half an hour or so, so you could plan it in. Otherwise he should treat it like you’re not there. Maybe he needs to get a job now and your toddler gets some childcare…

Ohnobackagain · 20/05/2025 00:55

Justme2023123 · 19/05/2025 20:17

Can you go out of the house to work so he stops taking the piss?

@greyA think you need to do this for a while. Or tell him you are in the office and sit down the road in Costa for a couple of weeks. Otherwise, you need to be unavailable when wfh other than the odd break you have. Not when it suits him!

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 20/05/2025 10:02

I can't see the point in staying married to the man.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 20/05/2025 18:28

MayaPinion · 19/05/2025 22:43

You’re blurring the boundaries here and it’s one of the reasons employers want people back in the office. You’re supposed to be working - not minding the toddler, putting in a laundry, popping down to see them every five minutes. Your DP thinks that’s what home working means now - extra support on tap. You need to work away from the home. If you can’t go into your office rent some space, go and sit in a library (if you live near a university they’ll have lots of library space available in a few weeks and you can register as an external reader), or borrow a room in a friends house. You are enabling this and he is letting you because it’s making his life a lot easier. If he’s still not happy he needs to go back to work.

This. ^ How and WHY are people doing laundry, ironing, hoovering, dusting, walking the dog, childcare etc etc when they work from home? (I hear quite a number of people on MN saying they do this!) I know a few people who work from home (4 actually,) including one of my DD (well, 1 day in the office, 3 days WFH condensed hours,) and none of them do anything else when working/during work hours.

Occasionally my DD will have an extra 15 minutes lunch when I pop around to see her for a lunchtime coffee, but she works 15 minutes extra later on that afternoon to make up or it. (And she okays it with her manager first and lets them know she will be a bit later logging back on...)

My neighbour who works from home takes her toddler to a nursery in town at 8am and starts work at 8.30am then goes to get the child at 5.30pm. She does not have the child at home when she is working. Only thing she does in the day is walk her dog, and she does that in her lunch hour.

When you work from home, you are working, literally 'at work.' You couldn't/wouldn't do all these chores and childcare if you were in the office, so why are people doing it when they're being paid by an employer to work? I expect some people will say 'oh I have flexible hours and so I can do stuff during the day.' But I don't buy it. You're working/at work, why the heck are you doing household chores and childcare when you're meant to be working?

As you say, no wonder so many employers want their employees back in the office!

@greyA As for you OP, you really need to find somewhere else to work, or get back to the office. Your DH is taking the piss. No WAY would any man who works from home be 'helping' his wife around the house, and 'helping' to look after the children. Wouldn't happen!

JHound · 20/05/2025 22:28

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 20/05/2025 18:28

This. ^ How and WHY are people doing laundry, ironing, hoovering, dusting, walking the dog, childcare etc etc when they work from home? (I hear quite a number of people on MN saying they do this!) I know a few people who work from home (4 actually,) including one of my DD (well, 1 day in the office, 3 days WFH condensed hours,) and none of them do anything else when working/during work hours.

Occasionally my DD will have an extra 15 minutes lunch when I pop around to see her for a lunchtime coffee, but she works 15 minutes extra later on that afternoon to make up or it. (And she okays it with her manager first and lets them know she will be a bit later logging back on...)

My neighbour who works from home takes her toddler to a nursery in town at 8am and starts work at 8.30am then goes to get the child at 5.30pm. She does not have the child at home when she is working. Only thing she does in the day is walk her dog, and she does that in her lunch hour.

When you work from home, you are working, literally 'at work.' You couldn't/wouldn't do all these chores and childcare if you were in the office, so why are people doing it when they're being paid by an employer to work? I expect some people will say 'oh I have flexible hours and so I can do stuff during the day.' But I don't buy it. You're working/at work, why the heck are you doing household chores and childcare when you're meant to be working?

As you say, no wonder so many employers want their employees back in the office!

@greyA As for you OP, you really need to find somewhere else to work, or get back to the office. Your DH is taking the piss. No WAY would any man who works from home be 'helping' his wife around the house, and 'helping' to look after the children. Wouldn't happen!

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What’s wrong with walking the dog or doing laundry when wfh?

You that when people are in the office they take breaks? If I take a 5 min break in the office or take 5 min break at home to put laundry on what’s the difference?

And if I take 30 mins at lunch to have a walk in the office why is that ok but 30 mins to walk the dog when wfh is not?

Fruitbat99 · 20/05/2025 22:37

I've got nothing against stay at home dads, my own father was one and he was great. This guy sounds like a pisstaker.

Your expectations aren't too high, they aren't high enough.

healthybychristmas · 20/05/2025 23:03

He sounds lazy and inept.