To think SAHD is totally unfair ?

[greyA]

My husband became a SAHD 9 months ago - we have a 1 year old and a 9 year old. I wfh and love my job and earn a good wage- he hated his job, money was poor, was facing redundancy plus he’d always romanticised being at home so we took the plunge. My expectation of him possibly was a tad high to begin with - I assumed I would be responsible financially for everything and he’d take the lions share of the childcare / housework. He said to me this evening- like he frequently does what a luxury it is that I get to sit on my bum all day working whilst he’s juggling our toddler. For context, I had the toddler whilst he did the school run this morning and grabbed a coffee whilst I put a load of washing on, and hoovered, all whilst entertaining toddler and juggling teams messages. When he returned I started work, popping downstairs frequently to see them both. Toddler napped after lunch and he went to run errands and when toddler woke up after only 35 minutes I was left ( as I frequently am ) juggling work and a toddler. He constantly expects me to drop what I’m doing so he can do what he needs which frequently leaves me behind with work. I’m also still doing a huge amount of housework ( we had a cleaner until recently but it didn’t work out ) AIBU to expect a bit more ?

Leave the house for work for a week and a (reasonable) list of tasks to complete each. Maybe after the week he’ll have a better understanding of his role.

Op he’s taking the piss and you know it.

I was a sahm before mine were school age and to be honest it I preferred it when DH went back to the office. The kids were too little to understand why he was in the house but not available and trying to keep them quiet so he could work was not fun. Didn’t help that it was covid so we were stuck at home.

Sahp doesn’t mean slave obviously, but the sahp should do the majority of the childcare and house related tasks. Toddler should go with him for school run and errands, barring one offs.

Go back to the office or work from a coffee shop. Or suggest your DH gets a job and look into childcare. Sahp isn’t for everyone - wasnt for me really, I found it very tedious, but it suited us at the time.

I really don't understand why you didn't set very specific boundaries when you first started this set up OP?? Or is it that you try to set boundaries, but he just walks all over them, and you can't seem to stop him?

It really doesn't sound like he's happy being a SAHD, so I would sit him down and talk to him. Tell him that you're unhappy that he's not fulfilling his role, and that expecting you to step in to do ANYTHING for him, or your child, is simply not on between the time you start your working day, and the time it finishes. If there's a wash to be put on, HE does it. If it's ready to go out on the line, HE does it. If there's shopping to be done, HE does it, and takes the LO with him. Lay out all of the scenarios where he's gone wrong, and tell him this has to stop, or he will need to get a job, as you can't put your own job at risk, filling in for him, while he 'just' nips down the shop, 'just goes out to the washing line', etc. He needs to take the LO with him, or make sure that he/she is safe, while he does things, like a SAHM would do.

I would also make a list of the household tasks that he needs to do on a regular basis, and then a separate list of things that he should do, once a month or whatever. Then make sure he does them - get him to tick it off, each time so that he can see what he's done and not done if it helps. It seems that a lot of men simply don't realise how much work goes into running a home, and so the jobs we do without even thinking, don't come naturally to them, hence the need for lists until he gets into the swing of doing all the things a SAHM would do.

Why are you popping up and down to see them all the time? Go in your office and stop interfering in their day and you can then reasonably expect him to stop interfering in yours.

You are blurring the boundaries

You will burn out if you are juggling all of this with no downtime. Your breaks need to be actual breaks for you. I would go back into the office.

He wanted to give up work. He should be doing all the housework and drop offs.

This is usually what I hear when the man is the stay at home parent. They are not remotely completing the same workload as the average SAHM.

If he doesn’t want to be a proper SAHP then he should get a paid job.

Also stop popping down to see them. You are blurring the lines.

If I leave our child with my wfh husband when he’s napping I have ask. He can then say if it works for him (generally it’s ok if he isn’t on a call etc!) but I don’t expect to be able to leave the house without the baby during husbands working hours, that’s my job….

I agree with this too.

My husband used to work from home sometimes when I was on maternity leave and it drove me crazy when he would pop up and down whenever he fancied. You are not available to “help” so at that point just keep out of the way and let them have their day. Clear boundaries, you both need to start living as if your office is 20 miles away.

Exactly. My husband does this when he’s not busy. When he’s not busy I use him as my sub so I get some time off (oh you’re not busy? Great, I need to pop to the shop, here have our child!)

He needs to get back to work if he doesn’t enjoy being a SAHD

WFH and SAHP doesn't work.

He’s a lazy twat, isn’t he? Can’t manage working, can’t manage being a SAHD, yet he thinks you have it easy? When you are earning all the family money?? 🙄🙄

Time for a talk. He either steps up and has the dc properly all day and does all the housework, cooking, life admin etc or he looks for a job.

It definitely can. Defined work space away from family space, clear boundaries about when the WFH parent is available - such as lunch - and mutual respect that both parents are giving through role and responsibility their all.

All of the above.

I’m a SAHM and I do not expect my husband to do anything with the kids during the working day, even if he’s WFH. I expect him to help out in the evening and to do his share of housework on the weekends, but even then I’m the default carer. It sounds like your husband is stuck in the very male mindset of thinking that he’s ‘helping out’ or ‘babysitting’ and that the children are really your job (even though you have a financial job). He has to get past that.

Exactly. If this continues they might both be SAHP soon.

He needs to get a job and your children need outside childcare.

He is doing the least he can get away with.
Him being primary carer is not working.
He is making you vulnerable.

Is this marriage going to work with such an unfair split?

Organise childcare.
Tell him get a bloody paid job and share the load.

He's a lazy dud who thought being SAHD would be a synch.
Its not.

What is the point of him is the question?

You sit him down and you say to him that yes you are home, but you are working to provide for the family, not do jobs he should be doing

as a SAHP he should be looking after the children and doing the bulk of the house work, as any mother would be expected to do, not assume you will jump in

so clear guidelines between 9 and 5 you are unavailable, unless it’s an actual emergency. If he needs to go out he takes the child

otherwise find somewhere local to work and actually leave the house

Start writing a list of your day and his day side by side including the things you’ve just said. You putting on a load of washing, hoovering, having your child for 45 mins whilst he goes out and working a full day. Show him the comparison of your duties both with work and household and he will be able to see it’s not even.

Either get yourself out of the house and back into the office or tell him it’s time he starts doing his load of the work or he goes out and get a job.

You're taking the piss with your employer. How much time a day do you actually prioritise work? The paid work that keeps a roof over your head and food on the table. SAHD should be doing all childcare and some housework while you are working. Outside this time you share DC and chores.

If DH feels his life is so hard he should go back to paid employment. Hopefully he can earn enough to pay for childcare and a cleaner to cover the jobs he used to manage. The rest will need to be split

Wow he is massively taking the piss! If he’s not the type to change, he needs to get back out into paid employment pdq. If your marriage broke down right now, he would expect you to pay him child support…consider that!!

Yes, this is also true. When I had a small baby and a toddler at home and DH would come popping down for a 6 minute chat before drifting off again, usually just as the toddler had got interested in him, it drove me absolutely mad. Much easier for everyone if lines are clear.

Ltb x

So even though you’re his sugar mummy providing for him and helping him escape a job he hates he’s horrible to you!?

If he complains again tell him to get a job and you’ll put your child in nursery.