To think SAHD is totally unfair ?

[greyA]

My husband became a SAHD 9 months ago - we have a 1 year old and a 9 year old. I wfh and love my job and earn a good wage- he hated his job, money was poor, was facing redundancy plus he’d always romanticised being at home so we took the plunge. My expectation of him possibly was a tad high to begin with - I assumed I would be responsible financially for everything and he’d take the lions share of the childcare / housework. He said to me this evening- like he frequently does what a luxury it is that I get to sit on my bum all day working whilst he’s juggling our toddler. For context, I had the toddler whilst he did the school run this morning and grabbed a coffee whilst I put a load of washing on, and hoovered, all whilst entertaining toddler and juggling teams messages. When he returned I started work, popping downstairs frequently to see them both. Toddler napped after lunch and he went to run errands and when toddler woke up after only 35 minutes I was left ( as I frequently am ) juggling work and a toddler. He constantly expects me to drop what I’m doing so he can do what he needs which frequently leaves me behind with work. I’m also still doing a huge amount of housework ( we had a cleaner until recently but it didn’t work out ) AIBU to expect a bit more ?

So what is the point of him? If you’re doing everything, you don’t need him! Much better to be a happy, single parent! I’d also focus on not losing your job. You’re going to need it and he’s trying to sabotage it.

This is a really important point. Do you sometimes volunteer to look after the toddler? I'm on maternity leave so our 2 are my responsibility when my husband is WFH. He is definitely guilty of sometimes starting to help with things and then getting stressed because he's got work things to do. We're both much happier when I've made it clear to him that I don't expect any help and if he chooses to, that's on him.

He has a choice he either does what it says in the tin and be a SAHD (alongside the bulk of the housework) or he gets a job and you muddle through it together

doing nothing isn’t an option.

Why are you tolerating this? I genuinely don’t understand these sorts of threads.

Start saying no.
His job is raising the children and keeping the home for the most part.
Say no and stop doing the housework and childcare when you're meant to be working. If he needs to go out he can take the kids like sahms do.
If he doesn't like it and wants to even the playing field, he can get a paid job.

How many days is this happening , whereby you are looking after a toddler and working . Is it once a day or once a week?

Your husband sounds work shy and lazy. Never a good idea to let a mum/dad who struggles with paid work , can’t cope with life stress become a sahp. The other parent will end up picking up the slack whilst the sahp does the bare minimum.

This

I don’t know why people are suggesting the OP go elsewhere to work, or the OP do this or that. Why is this mans failing up to her to put right.

Just tell him it’s not working, he either needs to step up and start doing the SAH role properly, or he goes back to work and you use his wage to pay for nursery and a cleaner.

Lazy fucker.

I think you both need to sit down and talk about wha5 you both really want

You aren’t happy because you’re doing a bit of both
I doubt he will be happy doing all the kiddy and house stuff

Perhaps he needs to go back to work and you both need to not wfh so much. You can then separate home life from work life and enjoy your kids when you’re not working and work when you are at work

my other half works from home and 2 days a week that I’m at home with the toddler. Do I occasionally ask him to watch the little one for 5 minutes yeah but I’m really under the mindset that he’s not available. You should maybe have a chat and remind him that from the hours of whatever your not available.

like others have said probs best to work from a cafe or library for a bit

YANBU

However he isn’t going to fix this

So start working somewhere else ideally, or at least have office hours and a sign on the door to indicate that.

He does not get to go and run errands without the toddler or anything else during a normal working day. Apart from the fact it’s literally his job to have the toddler, if you continue to fall behind at work you put your family finances at risk

Divvy up the household tasks so you’re each doing a fair share

If he doesn’t like this he can go back to work and your toddler to nursery

Even if he does pull his socks up, make sure he’s heading back PT when nursery hours kick in - he is the type of person who will never go back to work given half a chance - which is OK if you can afford that long term, but I am not getting that vibe from you

This. Is he competent at ANYTHING??

Furthermore it's cheating your employer to be doing so much housework and childcare during business hours.

Yes. This.

Dud is the word.

By way of comparison, in a SAHM with a DH who works mainly from home. I do all school runs (he maybe dues 3 a year), all cleaning, shopping, housework, cooking (inc at weekends but that’s another thread!), all after school activities, all weekends activities, gardening, bins, cars to the garage nonsense, tip runs, child appointments, keeping them occupied during school holidays. He does looks after financial admin, books holidays, his own washing and that’s it. If he’s at home I make sure the DC don’t disturb him to the extent if they’re playing outside and get too noisy they’ll be told to wheesht or come in. I don’t expect him to be free for chats whenever I want and always check he’s free if I pop up to the office.

There is NO WAY you should have a child to look after while you’re working. Toddler goes on the school run and sleeps in the pushchair. If they nap at the wrong time, one of SAHD’s jobs is to reschedule it or find a way to make things work. You don’t do any housework unless it’s the weekends or if not doing it would be arsey eg making a point of walking past something as you’ve”finished” for the day. If he’s got 1 toddler at home he should be able to get everything done. You may not live in a show home, but it should be clean and you can find a seat at the end of the day.

He’s a bit shit. Sorry.

You need a list of chores so it’s Crystal clear who does what. He’s a but useless!

He said to me this evening- like he frequently does what a luxury it is that I get to sit on my bum all day working whilst he’s juggling our toddler

A luxury easily available to him if he wants to sit on his bum all day working and pay for his share of childcare.

You’re blurring the boundaries here and it’s one of the reasons employers want people back in the office. You’re supposed to be working - not minding the toddler, putting in a laundry, popping down to see them every five minutes. Your DP thinks that’s what home working means now - extra support on tap. You need to work away from the home. If you can’t go into your office rent some space, go and sit in a library (if you live near a university they’ll have lots of library space available in a few weeks and you can register as an external reader), or borrow a room in a friends house. You are enabling this and he is letting you because it’s making his life a lot easier. If he’s still not happy he needs to go back to work.

So he takes thr piss out of you and you take the piss out of your employer 🤔.
Send him back to work and organise proper childcare.

If he can't understand boundaries, you need to get out of the house, at least for a few weeks. Just to clarify that working means WORKING. And you are not to be disturbed unless absolute emergency.

d hoovered, all whilst entertaining toddler and juggling teams messages.
You are BU. You shouldn't be doing your hoovering during working hours.
Laundry I get, it's a 30 seconds job to put in and out, but WFH is not to arrange your housekeeping.

I'm a sahm. From 9am-5.30pm I am in charge of childcare, housework, life admin and gardening.

Outside of those times DH and I share tasks as much as possible. I cook, he washes up, he does bath, I do bedtime. If there's stuff that urgently needs doing it will be mostly me who notices and I'll ask him to help, which he does. Sometimes he offers to do a job he knows I hate (ie hoovering).

If our roles were reversed I'd expect the same. It's not OK for him to allow the kids to disrupt you during working hours. I'd start working from the office more tbh if it didn't stop. Or expect him to get a job.

Why on earth are you popping downstairs frequently to see them both?! You are in work, he is on charge of the house and toddler, stay in work mode and stop blurring the lines. He is taking the piss because he s allowed too. No SAHM pops out for errands at nap time leaving WFH dad in charge of the toddler, errands have to be done with toddler in tow.
Even if you go back to the office now I can't see him getting any better now that he has it in his head how little he to do

Go in to the office. Job done.

If there is a company office you can go and work at then do that. If he’s a sahd then yes he should be doing all the childcare while you work and as much taking care of the house/washing etc as possible whilst looking after your baby. That’s literally the job of a sahp.
You should certainly not be interrupted during your working day. Sounds like he’s realised how hard it is to look after a baby all day, and that a traditional desk job is in many ways easier. You really need to lay down boundaries about you not being able to do anything during your working day (eg he should not be leaving the house while baby naps, unless it’s only 5/10 minutes). Alternatively discuss the fact that this situation isn’t working for you so he may need to get a job and the child goes to some kind of childcare (or you become the sahp if thats what you want/financially viable).

In my line of work this isn't allowed. You can't be caring for a child whilst working.

Same here. People have been sacked for lying about it.

what age is this prince among men? Has he ever fulfilled any responsibility for a sustained period of time?