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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel this guilty about splitting 14 year olds home apart?

78 replies

IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:13

The guilt is consuming me to the point that I’m seriously considering asking ex husband to move back home

Married 20 years and one lovely 14 year old son who adores his dad - they are almost like best friends as DS ( and possibly DH ) is ND and although at mainstream school and copes okay academically, struggles to maintain close friendships so tends to hang out with his dad on weekends - biking / fishing etc

Sadly a few years ago I fell in love with a work colleague who was female and was honest with ExH who went crazy and said I had been groomed and that I couldn’t possibly be gay at 40 years old

I grew up in a very conservative Catholic household so although remembering having some romantic feelings for girls growing up, I swiftly stamped on those and genuinely did have feelings for men and DH when we met

I changed jobs, had lots of counselling and came to terms that I couldn’t split my family up due to the gulf I would feel but as time went on I started to feel resentful of DH and would pick arguments over things like him not being emotionally available / helping around the house / helping with DS homework

All came to a head and he moved back to his mums in January ( can’t afford to rent or buy - this house is actually my parents rental ) but has been begging to come home ever since and DS isn’t coping at all

I haven’t even ended up with the woman I fell in love with as I’m so scared of the fallout with DS so now I feel I’m trapped and miserable anyway so maybe I should just go back?

DH does have many good qualities - he is a very hard worker and has always provided for us, is very logical when I lack here and is calm where I am emotionally charged

Can anyone help?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 19/05/2025 16:15

Yes but you don’t love him. Read Glennon Doyle’s book ‘untamed’ and get some counselling for yourself. You will be ok x x

GildedRage · 19/05/2025 16:17

Your son should be living with his dad in this circumstance. Is that not an option?

morellamalessdrama · 19/05/2025 16:20

This is perhaps controversial but if it was me, I’d probably stay for another two years. That doesn’t mean it’d be easy but that’s probably what I’d do.

Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:20

Deleted as I got confused!

Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:21

ignore me!

OP- what was the atmosphere like when you were living with ex? I imagine pretty hellish for your son

ShaunaSadeki · 19/05/2025 16:23

Can you co parent in the same household for a few years? So you are not deceiving your DS or your H.

Original poster
IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:25

GildedRage · 19/05/2025 16:17

Your son should be living with his dad in this circumstance. Is that not an option?

Why?

i have always done all the childcare and school runs etc - why should a split mean this all changes?

OP posts:
Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:26

IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:25

Why?

i have always done all the childcare and school runs etc - why should a split mean this all changes?

Show quote history

Because perhaps this what your teen son wants

Original poster
IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:27

Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:21

ignore me!

OP- what was the atmosphere like when you were living with ex? I imagine pretty hellish for your son

Edited

It was okay if DH felt I was really invested in the marriage - although he still isn’t very emotional or tactile as a person so this part is hard for me as I’m then expected to have sex without any kind or affection really but awful if DH was suspicious about anything or if he felt that I was indeed gay

OP posts:
Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:28

IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:27

It was okay if DH felt I was really invested in the marriage - although he still isn’t very emotional or tactile as a person so this part is hard for me as I’m then expected to have sex without any kind or affection really but awful if DH was suspicious about anything or if he felt that I was indeed gay

Show quote history

Well now it will definitely be hellish

I am guessing your teen son, if asked, is keen to live with his father?

Original poster
IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:28

Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:26

Because perhaps this what your teen son wants

Show quote history

Regardless of what DS might want, DH would never change his job to accommodate school runs so this isn’t an option

OP posts:
Original poster
IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:29

Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:28

Well now it will definitely be hellish

I am guessing your teen son, if asked, is keen to live with his father?

Show quote history

No he just wants us back together

He doesn’t want to leave his home - he’s never lived anywhere else

At the moment I stay with my parents Friday evening - Monday morning to allow DH to have the house to spend time with DS

OP posts:
Snickersnack1 · 19/05/2025 16:29

How possible does it feel to stick it out for 2-3 more years for your son’s sake?
If your husband isn’t abusive and you think you could have a non-romantic co-parenting relationship under one roof (can you have separate bedrooms?) then that might be for the best just until your son is through his mid teens? 14 is a hell of an age.

Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:30

IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:29

No he just wants us back together

He doesn’t want to leave his home - he’s never lived anywhere else

At the moment I stay with my parents Friday evening - Monday morning to allow DH to have the house to spend time with DS

Show quote history

So if you were to say to him… we aren’t staying together, we are going to have separate homes, if you are absolutely honest with yourself… what do you think he’ll say

GuevarasBeret · 19/05/2025 16:30

GildedRage · 19/05/2025 16:17

Your son should be living with his dad in this circumstance. Is that not an option?

Why should he?

Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:31

IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:28

Regardless of what DS might want, DH would never change his job to accommodate school runs so this isn’t an option

Show quote history

Ok so it’s a non starter

you can’t live together because I will be bloody awful for everyone

Hankunamatata · 19/05/2025 16:31

Could you both live in the house as co-parents? Not as a couple and have clear boundaries?

Original poster
IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:35

Snickersnack1 · 19/05/2025 16:29

How possible does it feel to stick it out for 2-3 more years for your son’s sake?
If your husband isn’t abusive and you think you could have a non-romantic co-parenting relationship under one roof (can you have separate bedrooms?) then that might be for the best just until your son is through his mid teens? 14 is a hell of an age.

Edited

I suggested this and I would live in the box room but DH said absolutely not - we are either together and married and in a proper relationship or we are not and he won’t live with me

OP posts:
Original poster
IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:37

Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:30

So if you were to say to him… we aren’t staying together, we are going to have separate homes, if you are absolutely honest with yourself… what do you think he’ll say

Edited
Show quote history

He cries and says to please let his dad come home

DS won’t be moving out or going to uni most likely due to his ND so this wouldn’t be for a few years like people are suggesting - it would have to be a very long time

OP posts:
Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:38

IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:37

He cries and says to please let his dad come home

DS won’t be moving out or going to uni most likely due to his ND so this wouldn’t be for a few years like people are suggesting - it would have to be a very long time

Show quote history

Stop dragging this out then

be clear and unequivocal
the marriage is over
but he will still see his dads loads

bostonbabe5 · 19/05/2025 16:38

Your ds will adapt in time.
If you do mon-fri and he does the weekend will that work out?
Don't be in a miserable marriage. It will be ok as long as you both prioritise ds.

Pickingdates · 19/05/2025 16:41

OO, do not go back to living with your husband.
Your marriage is over.
Unfortunately your son will have to learn to liveh with it.

Going back will not last and your son will only suffer more with a second break up.

Push through this.
Your marriage is over.

Try and arrange some therapy for your son.

KnittyNell · 19/05/2025 16:41

Why would your husband want you back after you abandoned him?

Ponderingwindow · 19/05/2025 16:45

In a perfect world, figuring out you were gay should have changed nothing. You were still in a decent marriage with no real reason to change the status quo. The commitment to your spouse doesn’t change regardless of the motivation. It probably would have been worth focusing on the friendship for a few more years.

That opportunity has passed and now you face a different issue, an acrimonious household. your son is better off living in two separate homes than living in one house with bickering parents. Focus on the now. Get your son into a peaceful and stable living situation. That is what matters the most.

Make sure you and his dad live as close together as possible to maximize shared parenting time. That way your son can maintain a good relationship with both parents.

Gerwurtztraminer · 19/05/2025 16:49

Ontothenextac · 19/05/2025 16:38

Stop dragging this out then

be clear and unequivocal
the marriage is over
but he will still see his dads loads

Show quote history

I agree. Your son thinks there is still hope you and his father with get back together. It's not been long and of course he wants it to go back to 'normal'.

But you are gay. You fancy women You fell in love with someone else and have changed. You can't go back to a 'proper relationship' with you ex and expect all that to just disappear. It's totally unrealistic.

You son is far more likely to come to terms with a split if you are clear its permanent and getting back together isn't going to happen. You also need to find a better arrangement for contact than ex staying n the house. That won't be helping any of you move on.