Aibu to feel this guilty about splitting 14 year olds home apart?

[IAMhungry1]

The guilt is consuming me to the point that I’m seriously considering asking ex husband to move back home

Married 20 years and one lovely 14 year old son who adores his dad - they are almost like best friends as DS ( and possibly DH ) is ND and although at mainstream school and copes okay academically, struggles to maintain close friendships so tends to hang out with his dad on weekends - biking / fishing etc

Sadly a few years ago I fell in love with a work colleague who was female and was honest with ExH who went crazy and said I had been groomed and that I couldn’t possibly be gay at 40 years old

I grew up in a very conservative Catholic household so although remembering having some romantic feelings for girls growing up, I swiftly stamped on those and genuinely did have feelings for men and DH when we met

I changed jobs, had lots of counselling and came to terms that I couldn’t split my family up due to the gulf I would feel but as time went on I started to feel resentful of DH and would pick arguments over things like him not being emotionally available / helping around the house / helping with DS homework

All came to a head and he moved back to his mums in January ( can’t afford to rent or buy - this house is actually my parents rental ) but has been begging to come home ever since and DS isn’t coping at all

I haven’t even ended up with the woman I fell in love with as I’m so scared of the fallout with DS so now I feel I’m trapped and miserable anyway so maybe I should just go back?

DH does have many good qualities - he is a very hard worker and has always provided for us, is very logical when I lack here and is calm where I am emotionally charged

Can anyone help?

This is what I’m thinking
I can’t be happy with the other woman or any other woman for that matter even if I am gay when I see the destruction I’ve caused

I am just very concerned about the intimacy side as I’ve always struggled with that and now it’s going to be quite a pressure

Please do NOT DO THAT!

Do NOT fur e yourself to have sex with someone you dint want to have sex either. Just to keep things going.
DO NOT kne to yourself make yourself small and invisible as if your needs dint matter just as much. They DO.

If you do try again, just because you feel guilty having broken your ds home etc…two things will happen
1- you’ll be deeply unhappy, you’ll get resentful. Your MHwill suffer. Your physical health might too. That’s not a heroic decision ‘oh look at how amazing I am fur putting myself after everyone else and ‘saving the day’. It’s self erasure.

2- you’re not going to make it all ok fur your ds. For one, he’ll know the only reason you’re together is for him. He’ll have to content with two unhappy parents. Disagreements etc.. In some ways more uncertainty again. I actually dint think you’d be doing him a favour, even if it’s hard just now.

Youre making it all your fault because you’ve discovered your sexuality. It’s not. Don’t continue to carry the shame ‘of being gay’. You’re not a teen anymore. Just as much as then, it pushed you in the closet doesn’t mean you should still feel ashamed of it now.
It’s the fact you dint want to live with your dh anymore. You dint want sex with him. You don’t love him anymore. (and you might Also want to acknowledge that living with someone who is autistic might well work. But it’s not easy either).

Do not do this. Years of evidence shows that ‘staying together for the kids’ is a disaster. Firstly, you have to be you. We get one life and spending it denying your truth of who you are is beyond sad. Secondly, your DH doesn’t own you, or your body. He can only have what you choose to willingly give. Thirdly, your DS deserves a role model of a parent who lives an honest and happy life, it’s not selfish. If you capitulate to your DH you’re teaching them both that it’s okay to treat a partner this way. Finally, you deserve to be happy, so live your life without guilt. Not without care or compassion for others but you don’t need to feel guilt. You’re not purposely hurting anyone. Imagine if your neighbour was in love with you, you wouldn’t give up your happiness because they were upset you didn’t feel the same way. Not all relationships last and there are many reasons for that. It’s important your DS learns this in a supported way. Be kind to yourself.