Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel this guilty about splitting 14 year olds home apart?

78 replies

IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 16:13

The guilt is consuming me to the point that I’m seriously considering asking ex husband to move back home

Married 20 years and one lovely 14 year old son who adores his dad - they are almost like best friends as DS ( and possibly DH ) is ND and although at mainstream school and copes okay academically, struggles to maintain close friendships so tends to hang out with his dad on weekends - biking / fishing etc

Sadly a few years ago I fell in love with a work colleague who was female and was honest with ExH who went crazy and said I had been groomed and that I couldn’t possibly be gay at 40 years old

I grew up in a very conservative Catholic household so although remembering having some romantic feelings for girls growing up, I swiftly stamped on those and genuinely did have feelings for men and DH when we met

I changed jobs, had lots of counselling and came to terms that I couldn’t split my family up due to the gulf I would feel but as time went on I started to feel resentful of DH and would pick arguments over things like him not being emotionally available / helping around the house / helping with DS homework

All came to a head and he moved back to his mums in January ( can’t afford to rent or buy - this house is actually my parents rental ) but has been begging to come home ever since and DS isn’t coping at all

I haven’t even ended up with the woman I fell in love with as I’m so scared of the fallout with DS so now I feel I’m trapped and miserable anyway so maybe I should just go back?

DH does have many good qualities - he is a very hard worker and has always provided for us, is very logical when I lack here and is calm where I am emotionally charged

Can anyone help?

OP posts:
GildedRage · 19/05/2025 16:52

parenting isn't about the "school run" it's about his bond. if your son has a stronger bond with his father that is who he should be living with.
personally i do thing boys need their fathers more especially if the father in question is a good role model.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/05/2025 16:55

You had an affair which was cruel tbh. Now you're not being sure of what you want and dragging the situation out. Yanbu to feel bad.

Leave your husband. Don't find excuses as to how he's not a good enough man for you, that's even more cruel and he doesn't deserve it.

Put on your brave pants and be honest with him that you're gay/bi, that you want out, and vow to work on coparenting 50/50 with your ex, because he's clearly a good dad who's tried to keep his family together.

Reddog1 · 19/05/2025 16:58

I think that if you wait until DS is 18+ to divorce, he’ll twig that you must’ve been unhappily together since he was 14 for his sake and he will feel guilty. So yes, you’ll feel less guilty now… but he’ll feel guilty 5 years from now.

If you try to live together with your husband platonically as flatmates, it’ll be miserable and you’ll probably end up splitting after one of you cheats or has had enough of the charade, and again, your son would realise that you did it for him at the expense of your own happiness and your husband’s. And in any case, I see that your husband has vetoed this. It’s no way to live unless both of you are genuinely ok with it.

I think you need to initiate the divorce and help your son come to terms with the separation and the new way of life.

mumonthehill · 19/05/2025 17:01

It is not fair to any of you to continue as you are. Your ds will get used to the split of managed well and needs to understand that you and dh are no longer in love and will both be happier apart. Your dh needs to understand that you will never want a sexual relationship with him again and that your marriage is over. You need to come to terms with your affair, learn who you are and what you want and need. You all deserve to be happy but if you do not cut the cords then none of you ever will be.

MoreChocPls · 19/05/2025 17:02

This.

BlueTitShark · 19/05/2025 17:07

If your ds is ND, is the issue not more that he is struggling with change and needs support in that regard?

Also how often is your ds seeing his father? He is 14yo, old enough to have sone view in it and have them taken into account.
It’s not surprising he is getting in better/well with his dad if they have the same flavour of ND. And if his dad is good at managing his ND, this can be a real asset for your ds.
This does not mean that he should only live with his dad! Just that Theyre things to take into account fir his sake.

Re living together again? Don’t go there. You were resentful about the situation before the split. It’ll be even worse if you get back together. What you identified as issues (and picked your ex on), the lack of emotional availability, not helping with homework etc etc.., all that will still be there. And now that you’ve seen it, identified it, you won’t be able to unsee it.

So the next step is to be clear in your own head about the divorce, and implement`` visits etc… that will work for your ds. He needs you both!

BetterWithPockets · 19/05/2025 17:21

Pickingdates · 19/05/2025 16:41

OO, do not go back to living with your husband.
Your marriage is over.
Unfortunately your son will have to learn to liveh with it.

Going back will not last and your son will only suffer more with a second break up.

Push through this.
Your marriage is over.

Try and arrange some therapy for your son.

This.

zeibesaffron · 19/05/2025 17:23

I think you have to be clear your marriage is over, I know it is tough for your DS - but he will only have to go through it again if you get back together. The reality is that it would only be a matter of time before it breaks down again - additionally the atmosphere in the house could be so difficult while you are waiting for your son to grow up.

Your son would find this hard at any age - just get it over with now - and see what support your son needs to help him.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/05/2025 17:23

I don't think you should feel guilty about your husband not moving back. You have suggested conditions where you would live in the same house but this is not acceptable to him. His insistence that you live as a couple and share a bed is not acceptable to you. I would feel more sympathy for your husband if he didn't seem to think that an unwilling sexual partner was fine.

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 19/05/2025 22:26

This is sad. You’re a grown woman you should be able to live the life you want. Why on earth did your husband think you were groomed? I honestly would not ask the ex to move back in. Live your life how you want it. You would be miserable living with him. Set up joint custody so you can both have your son. You don’t need to over complicate this.

Original poster
IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 23:34

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 19/05/2025 22:26

This is sad. You’re a grown woman you should be able to live the life you want. Why on earth did your husband think you were groomed? I honestly would not ask the ex to move back in. Live your life how you want it. You would be miserable living with him. Set up joint custody so you can both have your son. You don’t need to over complicate this.

He doesn’t believe in people being gay so he blamed the other woman for making me gay

Just to reiterate there was no affair

We we’re best friends, both married and as soon as feelings started we both told our husbands

OP posts:
AliBaliBee1234 · 19/05/2025 23:46

I was 14 when my parents split and it's a rough age for it to happen. But living in an unhappy home was just as bad

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 19/05/2025 23:51

IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 23:34

He doesn’t believe in people being gay so he blamed the other woman for making me gay

Just to reiterate there was no affair

We we’re best friends, both married and as soon as feelings started we both told our husbands

Show quote history

He doesn’t believe in it? 🙄 you might not agree someone else’s lifestyle but to not believe in it just seems ignorant and childish. Your son is 14, he’s not a young child. At that age they do have an understanding that marriages don’t work out. Honestly, just get a divorced and move on. You can still have a happy life Co parenting. You’re 40, still young to start over. On a side note. How do you feel about this women now? Are you gay or do you feel is was the person you feel in love with?

Ontothenextac · 20/05/2025 05:55

IAMhungry1 · 19/05/2025 23:34

He doesn’t believe in people being gay so he blamed the other woman for making me gay

Just to reiterate there was no affair

We we’re best friends, both married and as soon as feelings started we both told our husbands

Show quote history

fgs Op
this is all a bit… weird
divorce your husband
be clear with your poor son rather than this navel gazing giving him false hope. The poor boy doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going.
be clear with your son and ex
and if your son wishes to live with his father, then facilitate it. If your ex does t think his job allows for it, then let him have that discussion with his son.

but seriously op… you need to parent up and stop this navel gazing about it all. So unfair on your son.

and your ex sounds like a bit of a twat (understatement) given his views.

Ontothenextac · 20/05/2025 05:56

Your best mate is your husband who doesn’t believe that someone can be gay

and you’re gay?

bloody hell. Some families are fucked up

Eenameenadeeka · 20/05/2025 06:41

I think if it was possible, letting him move in but not being a couple might be good for your son's wellbeing, sounds like a huge loss for him not having his Dad around. But only not as a couple, because you don't love your husband, he needs to move on and find someone that does love him/be okay on his own, rather than wanting to be married to you while you aren't interested in him anymore.

Original poster
IAMhungry1 · 20/05/2025 07:32

Ontothenextac · 20/05/2025 05:56

Your best mate is your husband who doesn’t believe that someone can be gay

and you’re gay?

bloody hell. Some families are fucked up

Edited

This is so helpful

OP posts:
Ontothenextac · 20/05/2025 07:38

IAMhungry1 · 20/05/2025 07:32

This is so helpful

Show quote history

Well that’s the truth

sorry if you don’t like it

3luckystars · 20/05/2025 08:01

I understand. Unfortunately you will have to be the adult here and make the decisions for everyone. You can’t stay with someone you don’t love , that will make you very ill.

I imagine your husband wants everything his way or no way, well tough luck there are three of you. If you need to live under the same roof for a year or two then you can go into the box room. You can do that, it’s YOUR house and your life and don’t allow him to beat you down with his wants. You can move into a separate bedroom in your house.

Your son needs you in his life acting like an adult to take care of him. Believe me, I understand I really do know what you are going through and I would STRONGLY advise you get counselling and support for yourself. If you can find a therapist that specialises and understands autism then even better.

If you work, do you have Employee Assistance program? This is free and totally confidential. You can get counselling (free) legal advice and maybe even get advice about mediation. You will have to be very very strong. Forget any other relationships and end this one properly first.

Take care of yourself and get Glennon Doyle’s book!!!!

3luckystars · 20/05/2025 08:03

KnittyNell · 19/05/2025 16:41

Why would your husband want you back after you abandoned him?

We don’t know that and that is very strong language to use. He might have abandoned her emotionally for years before any of this happened. We are only hearing one side of this.

1SillySossij · 20/05/2025 08:11

Living a lie isn't going to make anyone happy

3luckystars · 20/05/2025 08:11

Beautifully said.

1SillySossij · 20/05/2025 08:14

If he's 14, he is old enough to express who he wants to live with. Can't he get himself to school at 14 years old?

vookingmoney · 20/05/2025 08:14

morellamalessdrama · 19/05/2025 16:20

This is perhaps controversial but if it was me, I’d probably stay for another two years. That doesn’t mean it’d be easy but that’s probably what I’d do.

I literally read this thinking why not wait 2 - 4 years and leave then. That's what I'd do.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/05/2025 08:18

GildedRage · 19/05/2025 16:52

parenting isn't about the "school run" it's about his bond. if your son has a stronger bond with his father that is who he should be living with.
personally i do thing boys need their fathers more especially if the father in question is a good role model.

Surely parenting is also about the practicalities of caring for children, such as doing the 'school run'. If OP's son lives with his dad who can't get him to school, how does that work? I'm assuming that OP's son who is 14 wouldn't be able to get himself to school on public transport due to his additional needs.