Aibu to feel this guilty about splitting 14 year olds home apart?

[IAMhungry1]

The guilt is consuming me to the point that I’m seriously considering asking ex husband to move back home

Married 20 years and one lovely 14 year old son who adores his dad - they are almost like best friends as DS ( and possibly DH ) is ND and although at mainstream school and copes okay academically, struggles to maintain close friendships so tends to hang out with his dad on weekends - biking / fishing etc

Sadly a few years ago I fell in love with a work colleague who was female and was honest with ExH who went crazy and said I had been groomed and that I couldn’t possibly be gay at 40 years old

I grew up in a very conservative Catholic household so although remembering having some romantic feelings for girls growing up, I swiftly stamped on those and genuinely did have feelings for men and DH when we met

I changed jobs, had lots of counselling and came to terms that I couldn’t split my family up due to the gulf I would feel but as time went on I started to feel resentful of DH and would pick arguments over things like him not being emotionally available / helping around the house / helping with DS homework

All came to a head and he moved back to his mums in January ( can’t afford to rent or buy - this house is actually my parents rental ) but has been begging to come home ever since and DS isn’t coping at all

I haven’t even ended up with the woman I fell in love with as I’m so scared of the fallout with DS so now I feel I’m trapped and miserable anyway so maybe I should just go back?

DH does have many good qualities - he is a very hard worker and has always provided for us, is very logical when I lack here and is calm where I am emotionally charged

Can anyone help?

He has additional needs, the dad does too and sounds like the dad would not be good at the practicalities of parenting, and have very set views on things also. Father and son likely get on very well because they are similar.

It sounds like you and your friend were both unhappy and unfulfilled in your marriages and it created a perfect storm for you both to find solace in each other. It may be wise to attend relationship counselling with your husband and properly address the difficulties and go from there before making any further big changes. However that’ll only work if you are both invested in improving the relationship regardless of whether it’s to stay together or amicably split. I can’t help but wonder how the replies would’ve been if you’d apparently fallen in love with a guy at your work rather than a woman. It shouldn’t be any different.
It’s all very well you telling us your husband doesn’t believe folk can be gay but we only have your side of this story so that part may or may not be fully accurate. More likely he doesn’t believe you suddenly became gay at 40 which I’d be inclined to agree with him about. You sound more like you were lonely and looking for acceptance from someone else.

You were wrong to have the affair but your punishment shouldn't be a life sentence. You don't want your DH anymore so divorce him, your DS will get used to it in time if you stop giving him hope his DF coming back. You matter too, your Ex won't live as friends for his DS sake so get on and make a new start

The guilt is destroying me
I can’t look at my son without tearing up

Well relationships break up all the time. Of course nobody wanted this to happen but it’s not all your fault.

There is an argument to be made that staying in a home with parents that don’t love each other and argue is worse than a relationship breaking up for a child.

You need to get some support and counselling. Is this really all your fault? I doubt it.

This must be awful for him Op

you need to be strong and clear. This is dragging on and he’s getting false hope.

As a fellow Catholic, its OK if you're gay or bi . You're allowed to follow your heart too

Appreciate if son is ND this situation is difficult for him, but if won't get better if you go back to DH, don't love him and homes awful as you AND DH come to terms with your sexuality.

You weren't groomed, you're just attracted to other women.

Unfortunately whatever you do this will be difficult. DH is hurt, DS likely conflicted and you're hurting. But trying to undo it isn't possible. So be honest with everyone, especially yourself. Just take things slowly

is it really necessary to do a school run for a 14 year old? No public transport or school bus? Have you asked DH if he would accommodate? So many parents are selfish on a divorce. If it’s you choosing to break up the family, then it’s imperative that you consider the child you’ve brought into this world in a non selfish way. What is truly best for him?

I can’t believe the people saying that they should live together unhappily for another however many years! This isn’t fair on anybody. Why would the DH want to - he needs to find a way to move on from his wife whom he presumably loves and living in the same house won’t allow for this. OP deserves to be happy and her DS won’t flourish in a resentful unhappy home.

OP, I understand the guilt must be suffocating, you can’t help how you feel and you were above board and honest about this. But you need to be the one to initiate everybody moving on and establish a ‘new normal’ as quickly as possible for your son’s sake. PP’s have asked about your son getting to school on his own - is this achievable? As this may be a factor in how the custody works between you. Seek a therapist for both your son AND you to help you navigate through this. If your DH has your son’s best interests at heart, then although painful, he needs to get on board with how you both co-parent together.
You need to get your practical pants on and start moving forward as treading water is helping nobody.
I wish you all the best and you’ll all come out the other side ok I’m sure.

That seems a reasonable arrangement. Just keep this going. If DH not going to change then no point having him back during the week. Look after yourself too. At the moment it all sounds that everything is about what they want DH and DS. What do you want?

I know it’s your parents’ house, but could YOU move out? Let his dad come home? I always believe the one who wants to split should be the one who leaves, in most circumstances.

My XH left me around 40 to come out as gay.

Your DH is likely struggling with a lot. The straight partner in this situation doesn't just have to accept that their future has disappeared, they also question whether anything about the relationship was real. He probably just can't get his head around it and may well be asking himself all sorts of questions about whether he's attractive to straight women, whether he was just a sperm donor in your eyes and more. I'm genuinely sorry if he's actually homophobic, but I suspect there's a whole lot of stuff he's trying to come to terms with. My XH seemed to think I should just accept it and get over it as quickly as he moved on from me. But he totally upended my world and that's not something you just get over.

In my experience of relationships that end for this reason, there's no going back. Some people make it work for a bit, but often only until the newly out person meets a new partner (generally very quickly once they start looking). Your DH has as much right to a truly loving relationship as you do. Don't mess with him by playing at happy families. It's just postponing the inevitable.

Divorce is scary but it's not the end of the world. Uncertainty is probably worse for your DS. You will all come out the other side and learn to live with your new normal.

I think you are allowing your feelings of shame to cloud your judgement and impose these on assumptions about how your son is feeling - he doesn’t even know about this woman.

whats clear gay or not, you fell out of love with DH and wanted to be with someone else. That’s enough to end your marriage.

DS needs consistent messages from you that you and his dad love him and will always be there for him, end of. Don’t reunite for DS, it will be torture to resume a relationship you don’t want and if you were to then leave again it would be unfair on DS (as well as yourself and ex) you would have to commit to a loving, presumably sexual marriage with someone you don’t want to be with.

You’ve done the hard part of separating / stick to your decision, offerDS lots of reassurance, find your new stability and romance may or may not arrive but focus on you for now.

Why would you assume this? If anything, a 50/50 arrangement would make more sense to propose.

Thing is, you can't go backwards. My ex and I got back together and it was 2 years of absolute hell. It was awful would have been better to have stayed apart in the first place.

You weren't happy. Moving in takes time and everything will settle down eventually. He will always resent the fact that you had attraction to another person. And you will wonder what would have been if you'd stayed separated.

He's 14. Surely he can get himself to school?

I don’t agree with this at all. Sometimes people have to split up because of abuse or other issues.

( I understand if there is another party involved) but sometimes people just split up. Sometimes the person initiating the split is the only person being an adult about it all and is doing the right thing.

Personally I think you should have moved out and let DS with son and make appropriate arrangements for seeing spending time with DS. It’s clearly what DS wants and you should have to be with someone that you don’t feel that way about.

I agree with this poster. Your exdh will have lots of feelings and wondering of truths.

Your also whole trying to keep people happy but your actually just stringing them along keeping a dead hope alive.

Either leave and separate properly or go back and see if your marriage in any sense can work. Not one toe in and one out.

I don’t agree if 2 out of 3 of them have autism. The op is the only one in the family that doesn’t have it. She is taking care of her son.

(Sorry I was responding to a previous post and the quote thing didn’t work. )

I'm going thru something kind of similar..I haven't met anybody else, but we have separated (likely for good) because of some shitty things he has done behind my back, lack of emotional maturity and selfishness.
We have 3 children - 2 are ND, and our NT DD3 and him are like best friends, look alike, act alike etc. (I just want to add, he adores and loves them all, but he doesn't do anything with them or help with ANYTHING, but when he comes home he showers them with love and fun and they adore him back-but this is for 2 hours when he gets in from work until they go to bed. He doesn't take them out anywhere and never has - I'm telling you this because it's part of my reasoning)
Because of his actions and the way it has made me feel (especially MH wise) I have been toying with the idea of moving away to start afresh.
I also am racked with guilt because of the friendships my 2 ND girls have.
My eldest- DD1-from a previous relationship is 20 and has 2 friends, they live close by, but she see's them about 3/4 times a year but all facetime together every single night for about 2 hours. So I have spoken with her about it about going somewhere more calm so we can all be less "stressy" and she has had time to think on this and she is more than OK with it.
Our DD2 is ND and in a SEN school, she has 1 NT friend from her previous school-they are very close and this NT friend is a wonderful person and extremely helpful and understanding of ND DD2 needs.
DD3 would be devastated for leaving her friends, her Dad, and she doesn't have much confidence and is also shy so I know starting again would extremely difficult.
BUT, I am a big believer in we get one shot at life and we shouldn't ever live a lie (you being gay and being in love with another woman-if she is "THE one" I think you should try again and make yourself truly happy. Stringing it out with your husband is just going to make you even more unhappy and it will eventually catch up with your DS).
DS is at an awkward age, but he would still get his weekends with his Dad. He can still see his friend (does he socialise with him outside of school?)
Would he be able to attend the same school? At age 16 alot would change for him school wise anyway, and he and his friend would likely be in different classes.
How far are you thinking of moving?

In a nutshell, I say go for it. Go get back the love of your life. DS will have his Dad to himself on the weekend and will get used the new way of life 💓

In the nicest possible way, I believe you are projecting. I think you are very much not accepting what is happening within your own mind/body and therefore projecting the unprocessed onto your son/husband.
Particularly coming from a strong family values and principles of the Catholic faith you're avoiding that part of you, whether that is due to shame or whatever.

Your son is having natural feelings about his parents splitting up. I do feel it is much harder on teens when their parents split. How is he being supported away from you both? I feel this is important, especially when he is ND.

You need counseling to accept the part of you that you have been hiding for so many years and understand the new dynamics of your relationship with your husband.

Your son will adapt over time with two supportive parents.
You stay you are just living a lie , you deserve to be happy too.
Your son will be fine as he grows up.

Tbh, I’d ask his dad to come back. Find a way either to save the relationship or to live as friends and parent together. Put your son’s needs over your own for now. There will be time when he’s left home to start a new life if that’s what you still want.