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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter won’t come on holiday

525 replies

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:14

I have planned a holiday for my family (me, husband, son and 2 daughters). We haven’t been away together for a number of years, so I was looking forward to this trip.

Everything was going fine until my daughter (25, youngest) asked to bring her partner. I don’t have anything against him, but this is a family holiday. I explained this to my daughter and she said she doesn’t want to come if she can’t bring her partner as she see’s him as family too. They’ve been together since she was 19, but live about 7 hours away so we don’t see them much.

my daughter is now saying she doesn’t want to come. AIBU for thinking she doesn’t need to do everything with him and she should still come on holiday?

OP posts:
Topsyturvy78 · 19/05/2025 15:09

YABU she is in a long term relationship he's not someone she met a few months ago you have never met. Would you go without your DH?

Ilikeadrink14 · 19/05/2025 15:11

Maybe I am lucky, but I really like, and get on well with, the husbands of both my daughters. I don’t spend that much time with our older daughter and her husband (very busy lives) but see our younger daughter a lot, and her husband, when work shifts allow. It was the same when my wonderful husband was alive.
My granddaughter has been with her fiancé for several years and they have recently given the family a beautiful little boy. My granddaughter comes here as much as she can (her choice, and I love it). Yesterday they brought the baby, my great grandson (!) who, of course, is the best baby ever!! Her fiancé and I are great friends, and have been since she first brought him to meet me.
My youngest grandson (16) is at the age where he is working quite long hours at his engineering course, is out with friends a lot, and he has a girlfriend, so I don’t see as much of him as I’d like but he comes when he can and WhatsApps often.
I leave most visits up to all the family to arrange to suit their plans, although obviously I do invite them to dinner or whatever on occasion.
in my experience, it’s best to let them decide on visits and put no pressure on them at all. My mother-in-law was such a nightmare about visits and used to dictate when they took place, so much so that I rebelled and refused to co-operate. We actually delayed going on our honeymoon in 1968 until the Tuesday because her birthday was on the Monday! Looking back, we were idiots! It was awful at first - (she made herself physically sick if we ever turned an invitation down) but we stuck to our guns and eventually the penny dropped. That made me vow never to be like that with our kids when they married. Consequently, I see them a lot because they keep turning up 😀. The main advantage of that is, when they visit, I know it’s because they want to and they aren’t duty visits.
I hope I don’t sound too smug. To be fair, I have worked hard to build a good relationship with the partners, mostly by not interfering, only giving advice when asked, never expecting anything of them and by leaving them alone to live their lives. It worked for me!
Sorry, I have rabbited on as usual.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2025 15:15

CarlaH · 19/05/2025 15:03

I admit I haven't read the whole thread but I notice that you haven't enabled voting. At her age and having been with her partner for so long I am not at all surprised that she doesn't want to holiday without him.

I struggle to believe you couldn't work that out for yourself.

Edited

It’s always the really unreasonable OPs who don’t enable voting! So that the stark picture is not there to see.

FrenchandSaunders · 19/05/2025 15:15

I clicked on this thinking she was about 15/16 as that's the peak age to pull this stunt and want the family house to herself for a party/BF .... but she's 25 OP!

RosesAndHellebores · 19/05/2025 15:16

@OneLilacPanda you lost me when you said "I" have planned a family holiday. Once children are mid 20s I think that needs to slip into "we" planned a holiday.

We have a holiday home abroad. Serious gf's/bf's have always been welcome to join us with the DC in August. Once there, we usually have dinner together but everyone comes and goes as they please. We might do an afternoon / morning together as a family but it tends to be ad hoc.

I think you are being unreasonable and will drive a wedge.

SALaw · 19/05/2025 15:19

I wouldn’t be doing anything needlessly that could drive a wedge between you and her if he is nice enough. Why not just say ok but, for example, we expect that everyone eats together each evening and we are all going to see blah site or do X activities.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/05/2025 15:20

What are the living situations of your older DC? Are they both single? I think your DD's partner should feel like 'family' after 6 years together. Its understandable she would like you all to be closer. Your either see her with him in tow or don't see her at all. I know which I would choose.

Caplin · 19/05/2025 15:20

Imagine a poster coming on here saying ‘AIBU that my MIL has organised a family holiday for my in laws and partner, but I’m not invited despite the fact we have been together six years and live together?’

I’m sure people would be talking about controlling MIL, red flags and reducing contact etc. well, that’s you right now.

Thegodfatherreturns · 19/05/2025 15:21

I don't blame her for not wanting to go without her partner. Of course he is her family too. Is this a reverse?

MyDeftDuck · 19/05/2025 15:21

If they are living as a couple then I can quite understand how she doesn’t want a holiday without him. YABU

GinnyCat · 19/05/2025 15:23

Why should she use her annual leave to go on her holiday with her old parents when she probably wants to spend quality time with her partner.

At that age you either invite them as a couple / family or turn it into an all girls so just you and the daughters' holiday (probably not a good idea based on your post).

faerietales · 19/05/2025 15:27

SALaw · 19/05/2025 15:19

I wouldn’t be doing anything needlessly that could drive a wedge between you and her if he is nice enough. Why not just say ok but, for example, we expect that everyone eats together each evening and we are all going to see blah site or do X activities.

Because you can’t control what grown adults do on holiday!

heffalumpwoozle · 19/05/2025 15:27

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 13:32

Thanks for all the comments.

no bad history but I know if he comes him and my daughter will want to do things together and not as a family (with all of us). I used to be close to DD but we grew apart when they started living together.

If my mum refused to invite my partner of 6 years on holiday with us then we would probably grow apart too. I wouldn't be going.

He is her family and by proxy, yours. Not making any effort include him will only push both of them away.

It's not realistic to hold onto your previous exclusive family unit now that your daughter is an adult. Of course she will want to bring her partner.

If you are feeling distant from your daughter then you need to express that to her gently and work out a way to spend some time together - she will probably be very amenable to that. Excluding her partner is not the answer.

Ilikeadrink14 · 19/05/2025 15:29

I have already posted above ( at 15.11) but forgot to mention the very thing I wanted to say! Duh!!
It was about holidays. I just wanted to say that we have had a few cottage holidays with the family (not all at once, usually!) and they have been a great success. The secret, I think is, to sit down before-hand and work out who is going to be responsible for which chore. I hate cooking, but will happily wash up. My daughter loves cooking but hates washing up. The men look after coal fires, rubbish disposal and some of the shopping. Each couple puts their own washing in the machine and does their own ironing.
We have also found that, if you can afford it, you need a place with enough bathrooms for each couple to have one each.
Planning is the key, we think, also give and take and, of course, a great relationship with the family to start with. As I said, I am lucky!

Anxioustealady · 19/05/2025 15:30

SALaw · 19/05/2025 15:19

I wouldn’t be doing anything needlessly that could drive a wedge between you and her if he is nice enough. Why not just say ok but, for example, we expect that everyone eats together each evening and we are all going to see blah site or do X activities.

I still think "we EXPECT everyone eats together each evening" and setting required activities is too much.

These are adults, the older children could be in their 30s. You shouldn't dictate to adults what they will do, even if you are paying, most people would rather not go on a "holiday" like that.

StupidBoy · 19/05/2025 15:32

You are being unreasonable. At this stage it would be like your parents inviting you on holiday but saying your husband couldn't come. They are a long term committed couple and probably she probably has no desire to spend a good chuck of their annual leave doing something that doesn't involve him.

Is this going to be one of 'those' threads? First time poster?

bookworm14 · 19/05/2025 15:32

I thought this was going to be about a teenager. She’s 25, she can do what she wants!

zeibesaffron · 19/05/2025 15:32

You are being very, very unreasonable- in a relationship for 7 years, they live together and you want her to give up annual
leave to spend time with you and not him!! I wouldn’t come either and if I was him I would be very upset that you didn’t see me as part of the family.

Unless there is a back story about violence or abuse, you have no right to expect this or be upset if she doesn’t want to go. I can’t believe your expectations of an adult that has a long term partner.

Kindly, perhaps you need to reflect on why you aren’t as close to her now?

StupidBoy · 19/05/2025 15:34

And lo and behold! I am right. What a surprise. Not.

It's wearing a bit thin now.

justasking111 · 19/05/2025 15:34

They might want to go clubbing, mine did on a couple of nights. The villa was a hub where different age groups came and went.

Original poster
OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

OP posts:
flipent · 19/05/2025 15:35

This is wild to me!

Last 'family' holiday I went on, I was 17. I have been invited to subsequent trips of various length and destination - but I'm invited and terms are set. I either agree and want to go, or I don't and has been that way since I was 18.

We've also planned trips together, parents, siblings, extended family. We are always clear on the general plan and where all the costs lay. People choose to come or not.

If someone tried to dictate to me where I was going and that my partner was excluded - I would not entertain any future trips.

phoenixrosehere · 19/05/2025 15:35

YABU

You have to figure out what matters more to you, her being there with her spouse or your feelings about her not coming without him.

She doesn’t want to go without him and you have to accept that.

crumblingschools · 19/05/2025 15:35

If you don’t get to see them much isn’t this the ideal time to do so? Do the other adult DC have partners @OneLilacPanda

faerietales · 19/05/2025 15:36

OneLilacPanda · 19/05/2025 15:35

Thanks everyone. It’s been helpful to think about these comments. I’ll think about how to talk to her about the holiday and apologise.

A few people have mentioned a long weekend for mother daughter bonding time which sounds nice. Do you mean just me and her or would it be okay for this to be the trip with her, her siblings and my husband?

my other children don’t mind going away without partners which is why I assumed she wouldn’t, but obviously that’s on me.

Why are you so reluctant to travel without your partner? Do you not see the irony in it?

It’a not a mother/daughter weekend if her dad is there, is it? 😬

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