Telling partner to take a break away from family life, AIBU

[13MAPARTHELL]

My partner is quite a depressive, it does not take much unfortunately, one winge from a child and a cloud in the sky is enough to put him in the state.

He is VERY emotionally avoidant, as a result he has 0 relationships, as he can’t sustain them in that he simply wont return efforts made, or show support when needed etc.

2 of his best friends killed themselves, and text him hours before reaching out and he ignored them, which is a common theme. If we have an argument and I send an essay by text saying I love him, or anything of the matter, I will be ignored.

He has never communicated any kind of appreciation for me, and he is very ‘flat’ in terms of he doesn’t let his hair down, or have fun etc, but at work he does.

he hates family life, he is great with the kids but not when it comes to actually parenting, everytime he is with us, he is down in the slumps.

i feel like telling him to go and take a break and think about if this is really what he wants in his life, AMIBU

Why are you focusing on what he wants out of life and not what you want out of life?

He sounds absolutely appalling. The bit about his poor friends was so shocking. Why on earth are you still with him?

I guess for years thats all its ever been, I have become so used to it. Like, for the next 5 months I have to work from home with 2 toddlers here, because of issues with childcare, which is extremely difficult but I have to, so I will.

i asked can I have half hour to do some reading, and it was a long pause and a ‘whaaatt’ then I said why is that an issue, he said its not go.

but it is!

then he tries to get kids to the park and they are not corporating, hes staring at the ground completely losing it, so ive had to stop and save the day. Its just too much right now, I cant cope with him

How did you ever got to the point of marry him and having children? Was he different back then?

Maybe he should just leave and you should split up rather than he takes a break from family life. He doesn’t want to be there and he’s not bringing anything to the metaphorical table to make you happy. This isn’t what your life should be like.

Couldnt have been more different , he was a hippy!

we had a bad year, where alot happened & i literally moved fucking mountains for him, because hes my partner & he cant let it go, he’s very resentful and always talking about what could have been, always comparing himself to others, its all he talks about - ive said to him all the things we have to be greatful for etc, but ultimately he clearly feels he has failed as a man, and he doesn’t realise that is now failing as a man, by thinking like this and impacting hos family

doss that make sense?

Has he seen a doctor to see if he is actually depressed? Why would you give him a choice in whether the relationship carries on? He doesn’t like family life, you don’t like him and it sounds mutual, time to end things surely?

He was depressed, is depressed yes - has stopped and started medication maybe 15 times pver the space of a year and I give up with it. He said its my fault last time as I didnt request a repeat one, like he cant do it himself?

You have to get rid. He will drain you dry.

He needs therapy alone . You need couples therapy. Perhaps you've already done both? If not, get some professional help for both of you. It may not be too late.

I very much doubt you literally moved any mountains.

Is he getting therapy? You just sound like you don’t like or care about him. This can’t be healthy for your children.

Not possible unfortunately, he refuses

I cant lie, the last few weeks, I dont really like him - im out of ideas, im out of rescources, and my children arent getting the life I want for them and hes dragging us down

He's not going to change.

You can choose to waste your one precious life on this total human drain, or you can get your kids out and be free.

You aren't his saviour and he doesn't want to be saved.

What an extraordinarily unhelpful comment. Why be a dick?

OP, I’d leave him. Life is too short.

Quit my job, gave him my inheritance money to get put of significant debt making him suicidal, got new job and work till 3am doing overtime to pay off othwr debts due to his bad decisions, never once had a thank you.

booking and paying for therapy he refused to go to, organised his entire life in every way

Quit my job, gave him my inheritance money to get put of significant debt making him suicidal, got new job and work till 3am doing overtime to pay off othwr debts due to his bad decisions, never once had a thank you.

booking and paying for therapy he refused to go to, organised his entire life in every way

If he refuses to have therapy then that doesn't leave you much hope, does it? I'm not one for packing it in, but sounds like a pretty miserable existence. Does he understand how bad things are? When someone is so depressed they cannot see other perspectives, if that makes sense.

Christ! Its nit OP’s fault if she no longer feels much love or respect for this selfish, narcissistic, man. Depression is not a “get out of jail free” card that excuses you from responsibility. He is chronically unable to support other people. He may well be traumatized by discovering that when you neglect the people in your life they vanish but he has not drawn any adult conclusions from this. He refuses therapy snd medication. That us the sign of a deep level of dysfunction.

The hippy guy you met is long, long, long, gone. If you can manage you should separate. Not with a view of concentrating his mind but with a view of saving your own life.

You love him, but you need to love yourself and your kids more.

I could only go with it being situational, but I worked hard on a CV and he worked hadd and got a job where he gets paid double, he made friends, they love him there, money issues better, social issues better etc

i had a feeling that it still wouldn’t be enough and unfortunately i was right

He left his job?

Self employment x

You deserve so much better than is. As do the kids. Does he have any good points?

If I was you I wouldn’t be telling him to take a break to think about what HE wants, it sounds like he’s showing you very clearly with his actions what he wants, and he doesn’t give a fuck about you or his children.

You know that, so now YOU need to take the time and decide what it is that you want, and more than that you need to really think about what kind of life you want for your children. Do they deserve this? A resentful mum, a dad who can’t be arsed with them? Or actually do they deserve to live in a happy home, to learn what that looks like?