Telling partner to take a break away from family life, AIBU

[13MAPARTHELL]

My partner is quite a depressive, it does not take much unfortunately, one winge from a child and a cloud in the sky is enough to put him in the state.

He is VERY emotionally avoidant, as a result he has 0 relationships, as he can’t sustain them in that he simply wont return efforts made, or show support when needed etc.

2 of his best friends killed themselves, and text him hours before reaching out and he ignored them, which is a common theme. If we have an argument and I send an essay by text saying I love him, or anything of the matter, I will be ignored.

He has never communicated any kind of appreciation for me, and he is very ‘flat’ in terms of he doesn’t let his hair down, or have fun etc, but at work he does.

he hates family life, he is great with the kids but not when it comes to actually parenting, everytime he is with us, he is down in the slumps.

i feel like telling him to go and take a break and think about if this is really what he wants in his life, AMIBU

I remember MIl telling me why she eventually left DH's Bi Polar Father many years ago
The GP said to her "he WILL go under, thats a given - the question is will you and the children go with him?"

Thing is,you can't save him. There is only so much effort you can put into a relationship where you get nothing back in return, and it is not your job to fix him.

You need to put yourself and the children first. I would leave him, tbh.

Nope he sounds like an absolutely awful person TBH. Selfish, ungrateful, lazy, antisocial and emotionally dead behind the eyes. There may be a decent man behind all of this but whilst you are acting as provider/ therapist/ bank manage/ childcare where is the incentive for him to sort himself out?

Tell him you need a break, ask him to move out. If he refuses to go, you take the kids and get out. I’d also not be letting him play Disney dad either if he’s that unstable just trying to get to the park. Tell the kids that Dad’s not feeling well and needs some help to feel better or similar, I bet they will understand.

This isn't a 'partner', he's just some pointless deadbeat of a boyfriend. He's leeching you and your kids happiness and there's no reason to keep him in your house.
Teach your kids that's it's unacceptable to have some man flouncing round the house, treating them badly, refusing therapy, openly despising everyone he lives with.

He's meant to be enhancing your life, making it fun and easy.

OP there comes a point in life where we have to look at situations in life and decide if they are viable. We have to look at how much we're putting into them, and how much they are taking out of us.
The situation you're in isn't going to change. The things that have happened are not getting any better. In fact it's getting to the stage that you're just in a loop of perpetual doom and gloom.

You have done everything that you could to help, support, understand and cope. It's not working! It would be ok if you were just yourself and your husband, not for you personally, but if the situation just involved you and him... But you have children involved in all of this, and your home life will be impacting on them.

Some people in life we just can't help. You could give them the moon and they'd ask for the stars too. You need to ask your husband to leave. You need to put your children first. You've tried to keep your family together, but your husband is draining the lives of everyone.
Let him have time away, to work on himself, or just continue as he is. Put your children first and focus on their needs and development.

Why are you living with this selfish, miserable git, who can’t even look after his own kids for half an hour.
Tell him to get out and go and whinge somewhere else and you carry on with your kids.
Shouldn’t be too hard as you’ve been doing it all anyway, in fact will be easier, as miserable sod won’t be around.

He won’t take medication, he won’t try talking therapy, he won’t help himself full stop. You seem to have done everything you can and that’s commendable. But nothing is going to improve for him or your family as a whole unless he pulls his weight and does something about his issues. I say that as someone who’s been living with depression since before I was a teenager. It can be fucking difficult. But I am part of a family and we have 3 children to take care of. I have to make sure I’m the best I can be or they all suffer along with me. I went to the doctor recently because my mood was having a negative impact on everyone around me and I increased my meds as a result, even though I didn’t really want to as it always makes me feel like a failure but that’s my problem, it doesn’t have to be anyone else’s.

Then get rid!

That is really good advice for this really difficult situation. I hope the lady and her kids will be okay.

Do you think he likes you?
Is that how you would treat people you like?
Do you love him, actual here and now him, or a version of him in your mind and the fact he's your kids' father?

I think he's made it pretty clear what he wants - and it's not what you want. Being depressed is awful, and people who are suffering in that regard definitely need compassion and kindness BUT you have small children to care for - and their needs come first, which means you need to to be happy and healthy. If this guy truly won't engage with therapy/meds/or treatment for his mental state then you can't force him. It sounds very much like you need a break to figure out what you need - you're likely exhausted from the sounds of it. What you don't need is to be married to an emotional albatross that is sucking you into a black hole of "meh". That isn't cool, it's not what marriage should be like, and it's not good for your children either.

It's a shame you gave your inheritance money to him...for other readers reading this: DO NOT DO THAT!!! Keep your inheritance in a separate account! Don't gift it to people!! Don't commingle it!!! Ahem.

Seems like actually you already know what you want to do - and it's to stop throwing away your precious time on this chap. Hopefully you can get a decent solicitor to figure out what to do next that is in both your and your childrens' best interests.

OP hasn't mentioned a husband, so freeing herself of this man should be relatively easy.

My cousin lived with a man like this for over 20years and then one day she realised that no matter what she did, what she said, what money they had, where they lived…etc etc he would never change, he didn’t need to, she did all the work. She tried it all for him…that not how this works. You need to do you, do better for your dc and leave him

I've been in a similar situation. My DH has depression and it was draining being around someone so miserable and negative. Really frustrating too when I feel so lucky to have healthy, happy children and be in a fairly comfortable financial position with a nice home and he just didn't appreciate it. I did send him away and it was a wake up call for him. Things have improved, he's not as positive as I would like and does have down days but it has got better.

I ask him this all the time, as I question this constantly & tell him, if its me, and I am a part of it and we break up and you meet someone else and are happy, then I would prefer this for both him and my children, which feels insane to say..

when i try and talk to him I have to ask leading questions and psychoanalyse him, as he just wont even speak - if I tell him how I feel, he just shrugs and says ok, its impossible!

even if I say you need to leave, he will be so blazay about it, he wont actually leave, I would have to probably arrange that for him as well it is just like hitting a brick wall constantly

Why do you stay with him? He doesn't seem to bring any sort of positive to yours or your childrens lives. There is no love here.

You need to get rid of him before he damages your children. I cannot believe the lengths you have gone to to keep him happy.

Raise your bar. You deserve so much more.

OP, this will out me to some of my real life friends, but you have to understand - you can spend your existence carrying someone like him across a ploughed field, get to the end, and then realise that they could've walked all along.

I divorced someone who "couldn't " cope. Breakdown and breakdown. But wouldn't take the drugs, wouldn't help himself.

You know what, I got out, and he had to sort himself out. Of course, he found another mug to take him on, but that's not my problem.

Get out, leave him walk across his field. He'll manage.

I'd actually go one step further, he's not a partner, it's worse than having another dependent child. Op is giving, giving, giving and he's not even trying to help himself, or her and the dc. Not prepared to try counselling? That tells you everything tbh. It sounds utterly exhausting, op is getting nothing except grief out of this relationship. Definitely time for a break at the very least, but most likely a completely new start.

N. B. He is very ‘flat’ in terms of he doesn’t let his hair down, or have fun etc, but at work he does.
Very telling.

I know that you’re right, honestly I just wanted my children to know I did everything to try and help their dad, because I feel like when I had kids with him, i would always support him but to how far that impacts us all you know

I agree

honestly, I think he loathes family life.

OP herein lies your problem - you're a rescuer. You cannot change him and you have burnt yourself out try to manage his moods, problems and behaviour. In fact, you have enabled him to continue to be ineffectual by stepping in and sorting things out when he 'can't cope'

You need to take a big step back, let him stand on his own two feet. If I were you I would separate and concentrate on you and your children. He's a grown man and you are not responsible for him.

It’s calculated selfishness OP.

It sounds to me that your husband can't cope with the realities of life. He yearns for the time when he had no one expecting anything from him or responsibilities. I'm not saying he's not depressed but he's not doing anything to address it either. Refuses therapy and has stopped/started various medication in a year. He's not interested in helping himself, instead he blames you (and probably anyone else other than himself) for how he sees himself. You can't 'fix' him. You are more or less a single parent, having to carry all the responsibilities of being an adult and raising children. Life is too short to be wasting it away with this man. I would honestly end the relationship, you deserve much better, and so do your children.

This is exactly how I feel and see it.
He does blame everybody, he made dodgy business deals that put us in the ground, signed contracts but always blamed the other person. I also think a lot of it has to do with lack of general intelligence, emotional and otherwise, he never learns for anything, or faces his issues, there are a thousand things that would never even cross his mind, he is extremely absent minded.

If the TV is on for the kids, like peppa pig myself and the kids will say his name several times before he looks at us or shout really loudly when he is sat right there. I hate it, the kids will remember that I believe, and feel they were ignored or not listened to