Telling partner to take a break away from family life, AIBU

[13MAPARTHELL]

My partner is quite a depressive, it does not take much unfortunately, one winge from a child and a cloud in the sky is enough to put him in the state.

He is VERY emotionally avoidant, as a result he has 0 relationships, as he can’t sustain them in that he simply wont return efforts made, or show support when needed etc.

2 of his best friends killed themselves, and text him hours before reaching out and he ignored them, which is a common theme. If we have an argument and I send an essay by text saying I love him, or anything of the matter, I will be ignored.

He has never communicated any kind of appreciation for me, and he is very ‘flat’ in terms of he doesn’t let his hair down, or have fun etc, but at work he does.

he hates family life, he is great with the kids but not when it comes to actually parenting, everytime he is with us, he is down in the slumps.

i feel like telling him to go and take a break and think about if this is really what he wants in his life, AMIBU

🦆🦆🦆

He's a bum. Bums don't change.

Sorry to be harsh, but your partner is a dope-addled moron. I've seen this before - they give up the weed after years of smoking, but the brain just doesn't recover. They're low affect, low hedonic, self-absorbed and utterly useless.
Did he ever start a conversation with you about the future? About seeing the kids grow up, what kinds of things they might study at college, what your lives together might be like in x years time? About that great holiday the two of you would take when the kids were grown up?
If the answer is no, that's a map of your future: tied to him while time marches on making it less likely that you will every meet someone who is the kind of man you need.
Stop throwing him a lifebuoy - even if he grabs it, he'll blame you for putting him in the water.
Save your own life.

I've been in a v similar position, OP. I recognise your exhaustion and your wish that he will walk away so you don't have to feel like you've kicked him when he's down. I can promise you that if you carry on like this your own mental health will crumble, and your kids desperately need at least one functioning parent. You can't save him if he doesn't want to save himself. You have put the kids, and yourself, first now.

Omg sack his off OP and be happy with your children. As someone else put it, he is an absolute human drain!!!

Why are you living life like this?

You know it's a shit situation, that's never going to change and it damaging for both you and your children.

What's keeping you from ending the relationship?

• Fear of being alone (you are anyway)
• hope (you've clung to hope long enough - it's hasn't served you well)
• responsibility (you think you are responsible for him - you're not)
• Your children (they deserve better)

Why? You deserve better than this.

I really don't think they will. It sounds like you've been the one to provide stability and consistency in their lives. As they grow up, they will realise this.

Im sorry if it read that way, that is certainly not how I meant it. Im using it as an example, of him just ignoring people when they are reaching out etc, I would never ever say anything like that to him. But at the same time complaining about lack of relationships, I see people message all the time and he never replies

Has literally never mentioned any of those things, he hasnt as much mentioned a date night of any kind in 5 years, It is like he is talks and breaths, and moves but otherwise is like an NPC

We have spoken just now, he is leaving.
He said he dosnt like having kids and this life, im glad he finally admitted it. I basically said, you dont have the capacity for attention, and so on, but the expectation is for you to be a good father, a good partner - he just cant do it sadly

id much rather he left, and at least it takes away having to be a good partner, and pressures of home and he can just be a good dad when he sees them

Thank you so much, we have spoken and he has admitted that he does not like family life and its not for him

Whether that had anything to do with it, nobody knows.

Please make sure you get your inheritance money back. And child support money going forward.

I'm glad you have your clarity though I am so angry on your and your children's behalf - not only is he somehow unable to find the joy in his own children to allow him to put even a tiny bit of effort in, but he also made you feel awful in the process by not being honest about it until now. You just need to focus on supporting your kids and not waste another second thinking about his needs.

Someone who constantly blames others for their misfortunes, are immature, who don't want to accept responsibility for their behaviour. After all it's much easier to blame others, than admit fault. My ex would do this.. left me being the adult, with all the responsibilities. It's utterly draining. In the end I resented him, and lost any respect I may have had at the start of our relationship. I realised, he wasn't likely to change, he couldn't be bothered with family life simply because it was too much responsibility (thankfully the children were his, and not mine) and he was immature and pathetic. I walked away, and as much as I loved his son's, it was a relief to leave, the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders.

This was my first thought as well

I'm glad he's leaving, OP. It will be tough but absolutely better for you and the kids.

@13MAPARTHELL
You sound like you have give so so much to this man and to hold your family together - and even though you know it’s for the best it must to be incredibly painful to hear that he ‘doesn’t like having kids or his life’. Once that pain has subsided and you are through the other side, all that thankless energy and support you were giving him you’ll be able to put into yourself and your kids and it will be amazing - you’ll get back ten fold what you’ve been putting in to date.
Make sure you get a good solicitor and gather all relevant paperwork including evidence his income if he’s self employed- don’t feel like you’re kicking him when you’re down; this is setting you and your family up for as much financial security as you can muster, particularly if he decides he can’t be arsed to even see them at weekends or pay maintenance.
wishing you a very happy future.

Right. You are still giving him all the agency here. Who cares what he likes or doesn’t like? The lazy bastard sucked you dry like a tick and is now dropping off because the host asked him to engage with it. Its not your exwho is the NOC—he thinks you are the NPC. Stop letting him treat you this way. Kick him out just to have learned how to do it. And sue him for the inheritance and child support—he won’t give back that money any mire than a tick gives back blood. But you need to have held a match to him to make sure he doesn’t crawl back when he realizes he can still suck your blood.

Stay strong OP and keep being there for your kids - it sounds shit 😔

You cab't help him until he wants to help himself ... sounds like he would rebuff any effort you make in this regard ... seriously, I'd leave him. Maybe he will get his shit together sometime, but I wouldn't wait. Prioritise yourself and your kids.

I feel very relieved for you. In a short time you will look back and not recognise yourself.

Im married to one of these. Nothing you do will help. He will only be happier wheb you are completely out of his life . He'll find another woman and you'll think 'wow how comes she makes him smile'. It'll be becuaae she gives 0 shits about him.
He has no incentive to get better. So he won't

Fingers crossed he actually does it and it's not just words. He has a huge sense of entitlement. That his life should be like x becuase he's perfect.

I’m