Telling partner to take a break away from family life, AIBU

[13MAPARTHELL]

My partner is quite a depressive, it does not take much unfortunately, one winge from a child and a cloud in the sky is enough to put him in the state.

He is VERY emotionally avoidant, as a result he has 0 relationships, as he can’t sustain them in that he simply wont return efforts made, or show support when needed etc.

2 of his best friends killed themselves, and text him hours before reaching out and he ignored them, which is a common theme. If we have an argument and I send an essay by text saying I love him, or anything of the matter, I will be ignored.

He has never communicated any kind of appreciation for me, and he is very ‘flat’ in terms of he doesn’t let his hair down, or have fun etc, but at work he does.

he hates family life, he is great with the kids but not when it comes to actually parenting, everytime he is with us, he is down in the slumps.

i feel like telling him to go and take a break and think about if this is really what he wants in his life, AMIBU

Is he paying you back the inheritance?

He won't be grateful for this. You've put yourself in the "rescuer" role / mothering him and he is bitter and resentful.
Yet he wont enable or empower himself to make changes.
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think at some point you have to draw the line and focus on your own and your children's happiness.
His happiness is not your responsibility. You've done your best personally I would leave him to it.

My god, how miserable for you all.

I know it's easier said than done, but leave him. You will be so relieved and your children will thank you for taking them out from under his cloud.

He is missing out on so much, but it's not your responsibility to make him see.

He sounds like a nightmare and very mentally ill. He needs help and you need to decide whether you have a future together. I could not put up with this.

This is it, ive told him a million times, look at what we have, its not enough and I dont think it ever will be, I just crack on because I have to, but he basks in his own thoughts , I barely have time for thoughts 😂

its occupying my mind and efforts too much, and every weekend pretty much, the atmosphere is horrible and its hard for me to ignore it, therefore It is no good for our kids, he has great moments but I dont feel they are worth it anymore…

its like, it would be better for him to not have the pressures, and just see them every other weekend and I would rather that at this stage, it just gets in the way

Thank you, I agree

it upsets me because he then perks up and is throwing the kids around, im sat there burnt out, cause hes done nothing round the house, spoken to me or been down for 8 hours of the day, I bet the kids will grow up thinking I was the shit parent

Is he a weed addict?

Sounds like you know you need to separate. Please get legal advice and keep all financial records. I think ??? I heard that you should not leave the home ( unless abusive relationship) as it makes a difference legally for mortgage/ custody but I really don't know for sure...talk to a professional lawyer. Courage.

Used to be! Not since kids were born, eldest just turned 4

I'd telling him to take a permanent break.

If you can't manage thst def send him off for a month as I think by the end of it you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much easier life is without him

Save your children from a shit childhood and leave him. He probably has unfixable damage from weed.,

Save your children from a shit childhood and leave him. He probably has unfixable damage from weed.,

You need to tell him to leave. Where can he go? Could he stay with his mother or father? He needs to leave for a few months and see how he feels. You too!

I bet you will feel like a weight is lifted after proving to yourself that he brings nothing to the table and you can totally be a single parent.

I think I'd be depressed if 2 of my friends had taken their own lives and my spouse blamed me for it. That's horrendous.

Suicide is complex. Even if he had replied to their text messages it doesn't mean they wouldn't still have ended their lives. I think it's reprehensible that you're blaming him for their decisions.

You don't need to tell him to do anything. You can make the decision to 'take a break' yourself. And maybe make it a permanent one.

I didnt read it like she was blaming him... it was used as an example to show, even when people reach out to him and its something serious- he still wouldn't make the effort to be there for them.

That’s clearly suggesting it’s partially his fault to be fair

Stop worrying about what outsiders, or even your future adult children, will think about your short lived, disaster, relationship with this man. In therapy speak long run we are all dead. Start living for now! Start demanding better for your children right now! Your man will run off for a softer bed the minute you stop fussing over him and propping him up. The whole world and his children will shrug. Because he adds nothing to the world. He’s just a user. Stop caring more about him and your pointless reputation as a fixer/rescuer than you do about yourself.

I couldn't be arsed with this..life is too short.
Childhood is even shorter.
Your kids deserve better.
You deserve better.

You know he won't change, right?

Oh my God, you're the one who needs a break, a permanent one from this useless lump of a man.

Then you have to leave. This is doing you and your kids no good.

Can you leave?

You need to kick him out. Dont let him be blasé, pack his bags and hand them to him and tell him to get out. He will find somewhere to go, dont give him the option.

Ah no, not at all.

just making a point to the extent that he ignores people, but complains about lack of relationships the same way that he ignores me, regardless of how bad he knows that person needs his support at that time, he isnt able to provide that as a huge avoidant, which is sad - but after everything I have done to support him, its a horrible feeling knowing I still only have myself as support.

i hope that makes sense

I think you have to accept you’ve done all you can for him and now you have to do what’s best for you and the children. It must be awful living the way you do so release yourself of any sense of obligation to him and focus on making a life where you and your children are happy. You’ll never be able to do that with him. Good luck x

Leave him.
He can sort his life out and come back if he is ready and willing to participate in family life.
You have given enough, time to focus on your kids and yourself.