Morning, sorry in advance if this is long but I’m using this a little to process my feelings.
My DP and I have been together for 2 years, I love him dearly and I know he does me, we get on great and I’m so glad to have met him. Recently we found out I’m pregnant, not exactly planned but we are 29 and 32 so not upset about it and are actually quite excited.
Before we met my DP had been with his ex for 2 years then single for a year. He maintained a friendship with her and this is something we discussed in depth in the early days. He explained that reason they broke up was because they weren’t a good fit for each other as a couple but they still liked the other as a person and felt it was a shame to throw that all away just as a romantic relationship didn’t work. The examples he gave of them not working were things like, she grew up in a fairly turbulent home so liked a lot of explicit reassurance, he would find this exhausting and sometimes offensive as he wouldn’t understand how he could spend all day with her and still have her ask “do you still like me”. He told me it would result in arguments even though neither was doing anything wrong really. He also explained that as they both have “chaotic” energy they were fun together but not really sustainable.
We don’t have these issues, I don’t really need a lot of reassurance and I find that because I’m not seeking it constantly when I do need it he’s very good at giving it. I also find I provide a level of calm to his chaos.
Ive met his ex many times, they have some mutual friends but sometimes just chat themselves or meet up. I’ve never been bothered by it really, I trust him and having met her I trust her too, she’s lovely. I’ve also never really sensed any regret from either of them over the relationship ending, they seem happier as friends and she is now engaged and seems very happy with her fiancé.
Anyway since finding out I am pregnant the friendship has made me insecure, not because anything has changed, it hasn’t but I think it comes from a fear of being left to parent alone. I know this fear is baseless as he has been nothing but supportive but all the women in my family seem to end up single mothers and I think I’m a little worried that we are cursed!
Also at 32 I’m finding myself comparing myself to his ex all of a sudden. She’s 28 and she has recently outperformed me on the career ladder (different but comparable careers), it’s silly for me to feel insecure about this and I know that but I guess it’s because I’ve been struggling to climb the ladder for the last few years so there is some bitterness. I’ve also known since early days that she is absolutely gorgeous (objectively, she modelled while at uni, it’s not in my head!) and I know that alongside objective attractiveness there is subjective and clearly my DP thinks I’m also gorgeous (he never lets me doubt this), but it’s hard to accept sometimes that to the vast majority I will be viewed as a downgrade compared to her (I know I know comparison is the thief of joy and no one’s opinion but my partners matters but let’s be real it’s not that simple and brains can play fickle tricks on us).
To the point really, she’s getting married in July, it’s a destination wedding and I was invited as my partners plus one but declined as I didn’t want to go, I told him to go as at the time I didn’t feel insecure at all around their friendship. Now I really don’t want him to go, I’m suddenly paranoid that seeing her getting married to someone else will ignite regret in him or make him see the things I see (like her career success and better looks) and realise he could do better. I know this is silly as he worships the ground I walk on and I do logically believe he doesn’t want her back and just values her as a friend, but I can’t seem to get rid of the thoughts.
Part of me wants to ask him not to go, I know if I asked him not to he wouldn’t go, but then I also know his mutual friends will be there, he’s paid for flights and Accomodation, they will have paid for him to be there as a guest and I’d just be letting my overthinking impact other people. I also think it’s probably better I tackle this head on as if it’s not her I’m worrying about I’m sure it will be the attractive girl he works with or the neighbour or someone, by that I mean I don’t think it’s his ex that’s the issue, I think it’s my own insecurity around being left. So asking him not to go would just be a temporary fix.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this ? Or has anyone experienced this themselves?
AIBU to feel like this?