Suddenly insecure about DPs friendship with his ex

[Gentily]

Morning, sorry in advance if this is long but I’m using this a little to process my feelings.

My DP and I have been together for 2 years, I love him dearly and I know he does me, we get on great and I’m so glad to have met him. Recently we found out I’m pregnant, not exactly planned but we are 29 and 32 so not upset about it and are actually quite excited.

Before we met my DP had been with his ex for 2 years then single for a year. He maintained a friendship with her and this is something we discussed in depth in the early days. He explained that reason they broke up was because they weren’t a good fit for each other as a couple but they still liked the other as a person and felt it was a shame to throw that all away just as a romantic relationship didn’t work. The examples he gave of them not working were things like, she grew up in a fairly turbulent home so liked a lot of explicit reassurance, he would find this exhausting and sometimes offensive as he wouldn’t understand how he could spend all day with her and still have her ask “do you still like me”. He told me it would result in arguments even though neither was doing anything wrong really. He also explained that as they both have “chaotic” energy they were fun together but not really sustainable.
We don’t have these issues, I don’t really need a lot of reassurance and I find that because I’m not seeking it constantly when I do need it he’s very good at giving it. I also find I provide a level of calm to his chaos.
Ive met his ex many times, they have some mutual friends but sometimes just chat themselves or meet up. I’ve never been bothered by it really, I trust him and having met her I trust her too, she’s lovely. I’ve also never really sensed any regret from either of them over the relationship ending, they seem happier as friends and she is now engaged and seems very happy with her fiancé.
Anyway since finding out I am pregnant the friendship has made me insecure, not because anything has changed, it hasn’t but I think it comes from a fear of being left to parent alone. I know this fear is baseless as he has been nothing but supportive but all the women in my family seem to end up single mothers and I think I’m a little worried that we are cursed!
Also at 32 I’m finding myself comparing myself to his ex all of a sudden. She’s 28 and she has recently outperformed me on the career ladder (different but comparable careers), it’s silly for me to feel insecure about this and I know that but I guess it’s because I’ve been struggling to climb the ladder for the last few years so there is some bitterness. I’ve also known since early days that she is absolutely gorgeous (objectively, she modelled while at uni, it’s not in my head!) and I know that alongside objective attractiveness there is subjective and clearly my DP thinks I’m also gorgeous (he never lets me doubt this), but it’s hard to accept sometimes that to the vast majority I will be viewed as a downgrade compared to her (I know I know comparison is the thief of joy and no one’s opinion but my partners matters but let’s be real it’s not that simple and brains can play fickle tricks on us).

To the point really, she’s getting married in July, it’s a destination wedding and I was invited as my partners plus one but declined as I didn’t want to go, I told him to go as at the time I didn’t feel insecure at all around their friendship. Now I really don’t want him to go, I’m suddenly paranoid that seeing her getting married to someone else will ignite regret in him or make him see the things I see (like her career success and better looks) and realise he could do better. I know this is silly as he worships the ground I walk on and I do logically believe he doesn’t want her back and just values her as a friend, but I can’t seem to get rid of the thoughts.
Part of me wants to ask him not to go, I know if I asked him not to he wouldn’t go, but then I also know his mutual friends will be there, he’s paid for flights and Accomodation, they will have paid for him to be there as a guest and I’d just be letting my overthinking impact other people. I also think it’s probably better I tackle this head on as if it’s not her I’m worrying about I’m sure it will be the attractive girl he works with or the neighbour or someone, by that I mean I don’t think it’s his ex that’s the issue, I think it’s my own insecurity around being left. So asking him not to go would just be a temporary fix.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this ? Or has anyone experienced this themselves?
AIBU to feel like this?

I imagine it’s the fact that the ex is getting married three years after her relationship with your DP ended, and you’re accidentally pregnant and unmarried that’s really bothering you. Honestly, you’re focusing on the wrong thing by thinking about the ex. Think about your pregnancy and the realities of co-parenting in a fairly new relationship you seem a bit insecure about. You may not have been contemplating marriage, but you should consider doing it before the baby is born, and, whether you do or not, have a very serious conversation about childcare, how you will both juggle work pick ups and drop offs etc.

Throw all what away? He was only with her for 2 years

He sounds like a decent guy that you trust, and she sounds like a nice girl who is in love and getting married. Put it down to the hormones and try to forget about it.
Messing with his friendship group is more likely to leave you as a single mother than this woman by the sounds of it.

I would absolutely go - you’re sharing a room with him, and it’s not till July, so that’s quite a lot of time to sort an extra chair.

Given that they clearly are just friends, the only thing that will damage your relationship is you asking him not to see her - trying to control your partners friends is never a good look. As a matter of interest, why didn’t you want to go? Just money?

I know you don’t want to react like this, so the best thing is to see her from time to time and make her part of your broad friendship group, as well as his individual friend, so this doesn’t grow in your head.

It’s probably partly hormones, so give yourself a (gentle) talking to, and move on. Congratulations BTW.

Seriously don’t do this. It wouldn’t reflect well on you to ask, it wouldn’t reflect well on him if he dumped a friend on your whim - prioritising your partner does not involve ditching friends - it’s a terrible start to your family life and he will resent you for it in the end.

Just go to the wedding with him, and be disciplined with yourself about not going down this rabbit hole

Where did you get the idea from the OPs posts that he would still go or cause a stink about it?!

A feeling

struck me that the op seems very concerned

but then almost tries to convince herself that actually he worships her and this is no big deal at all.

as I say, just a feeling

These “deep” conversations about his ex at the beginning… I mean if he barely sees her and no regularly contact… offer didn’t just say, cool I won’t go because I know you’re a little sensitive about it.

Don't let your insecurities cause a problem in your relationship - if you tell him you don't want him to go to the wedding after previously being fine about it, he will quite rightly see this as you being unreasonable. Your feelings that he is somehow downgrading by being with you are not valid - he has done nothing to evoke these feelings. He loves you and is committed to you. I think being pregnant makes a lot of women feel vulnerable, especially if it was not planned. Try and focus on the positive and shut down the negative voices in your head telling you you're not good enough. Remind yourself that you have no reason to feel insecure - you have a loving partner and a healthy relationship. Concentrate on looking after yourself and preparing for your new arrival.

I do appreciate your concern but I really think you’ve misunderstood. I wouldn’t gain anything by lying to myself here so I’m not really sure why you think I am!
Like I have already told you, I started the early deep conversations as when he he told me he was still friends with his ex (not as a big announcement, just before he seen her at a group event) I needed some clarification so I wasn’t insecure. For over a year and a half since then, she has been a total non issue, I’ve played tennis with her, been for dinner with her etc. and it’s been a total non issue.
Only since finding out I am pregnant have my feelings changed, I know this comes from my own fear of being left to parent alone and not from anything between my partner or his ex.
When he got the invite he had no reason to think I was sensitive about it, as I wasn’t! Barely the week before the invite arrived I’d been laughing with her at dinner! He’s never had any reason to think I’m sensitive about it, as even back in the beginning when we did have some deep chats I never suggested the friendship bothered me as it didn’t.

I feel a little bit like you’re either twisting what I’m saying or projecting and that’s not really helpful. I know Mumsnet loves a good pile on men thread but I swear this is a me situation not a him.

Your DP sounds like a lovely decent chap. His ex also sounds like a lovely girl. You have no concerns and u all get along. This is the reality. However your pregnancy hormones are stirring something inside of you. That is all it is. Please do try and not let it get to you. Focus on your pregnancy and being with a lovely guy. Hormones will change a lot during your lifetime just try and reason with yourself that that is all it is. You know deep down he is a good egg.

“I have met his ex many times… she is lovely”. “Barely the week before the invite arrived I’d been laughing with her at dinner!”.
You have played tennis with her, been out for dinners with her “etc”… so I can’t understand then why you declined the invite

you clearly had a very positive relationship with her in your own right

If it’s too late to change your RSVP to a “yes” you could still travel with your DP, just don’t attend the wedding?

Given you’ve met the ex “many times” and really get on with her and indeed seem good friends in your own right, I am sure if you say

“no pressure at ALL, but if there was any possibility of changing my RSVP to attend, then I’d love to join. But seriously, no pressure and last thing I want to do is cause inconvenience. Just on off chance there’s been a drop!”

I also think it’s probably better I tackle this head on as if it’s not her I’m worrying about I’m sure it will be the attractive girl he works with or the neighbour

you are absolutely right, and at least you realise that.
Be warned that it's very common for women who are pregnant or have just given birth to suffer from a lot of insecurity, because their bodies changed, and because they are exhausted.

It's not a curse, it doesn't happen to every woman, but it's VERY common. You don't look your best the day you give birth, no one does. Some care, some don't , some look better than others.

Comments like yours annoy me , have to get in with a dig ! ! Why ???? That isn’t what post is about ..
Have to get in with the “you don’t know this man well that you’re having a baby with “ 🙄..
You have something to say , don’t go off point …

In depth doesn't mean frequently though.

They could have discussed it in depth on two or three occasions and that may have been enough to allay her fears at the time.

This poster is has poor comprehension at best and is being deliberately mischievously worst.

Gentily,

I think Rumbley is willfully misinterpretting your posts tbh.

Having met someone 'many times' doesn't make you close friends. Nor does having a 'positive relationship' with them.

Most people wouldn't ask if they could attend a.wedding they'd declined an invitation to after all.

And there is nothing in your posts to suggest he would go anyway if you asked him.

I think it's a shame you turned the invitation down. I imagine this is due to your pregnancy? But it's done now. It doesn't sound like there is anything going on outside of your own insecurities so make plans to do stuff yourself for those few days and see him when he gets back.

One thing is for sure, worrying about something happening has absolutely no bearing on whether it will or not.

Can you not now say you'd like to go and cite a couple of days abroad with your DP would be nice before your pregnancy is too far along? It gives you a great reason to have changed your mind on attending, and not one anyone would think twice about.

Plus actually going with him and having a great time would really help you.

I spoke to DP this afternoon, he messaged his ex to see if I could come and unfortunately I can’t attend. It’s a smallish wedding and she instantly called to explain that when I refused she gave another of her friends a plus one instead. She was very apologetic but she did check with us 2 times to make sure we were sure I wasn’t going.

Hormones all over the place, which will pass, sounds like you love and trust each other very much, let him go and keep yourself busy, it’s all good if what you’ve said is accurate xx

I thought I was going crazy a little while reading some of the replies!

I have met his ex multiple times but I wouldn’t say I have a personal relationship with her, I’ve never spent time with her separate to DP and I wouldn’t want to (not because she isn’t lovely, she is, but she’s also a little chaotic and wild and life of the party which isn’t something I really seek in my friendships). I decided not to go to the wedding before I knew I was pregnant. Mainly because

1. I don’t enjoy weddings, I find them tedious
2. Even before finding out I was pregnant I’d given up drinking this year and hate being around drunk people when sober
3. Shes Italian, future husband is French so a good chunk of the ceremony will be in French and Italian - also very Catholic!
4. It’s the middle weekend of Wimbledon and normally I’d queue on the Saturday, also Silverstone weekend - big events for me to miss!

I know my insecurities are in my head and my partner is really amazing, we work well together and I think hormones have me a little crazy!

This is a "me" problem @Gentily . Don't let your insecurities get to you. Breathe. Tell your dp about your insecurities and let him reassure you. It's normal to feel vulnerable when pregnant. It will all work out fine.

Ordinarily in these threads there are red flags waving madly everywhere that mean I tell the op she is not being unreasonable/to run for the hills etc.

Here, I really don't think so. He's been honest with you. He seems to clearly know why they aren't compatible. And shes getting ready for a dream destination wedding to someone else.

OP I've always been secure in my marriage. Even at low points I've never worried about DH cheating.
However, while pregnant I used to dream about him leaving me, I was convinced he was interested in a woman at work, I became so insecure it drove me mad. It was all hormones and the sudden feelings of vulnerability that come with being pregnant while your OH is carrying on as normal.