Wedding invitations for distant relatives

[JemimaPiddlepot]

I’m currently planning my autumn wedding, which is both very exciting and a little stressful! I thought I’d stayed on the right side of the line - until I showed my mum my seating plan…

I grew up in a close extended family, so as well as inviting my cousins and their partners, I’ve invited their children and their partners too. My fiancé is inviting a lot of family as well. I thought everyone in the family would be pleased. However, when I was having a planning chat with my mum and showed her the seating arrangements, she said, “You’ve made a mistake. Where are Amy and Carl?”

Amy and Carl are my cousin’s adult stepchildren. My cousin has been with his now wife for eight years, married for three. Her children seem nice, but I barely know them. I haven’t seen them since the wedding; we don’t even really see them at Christmas, as they’ve got their mum’s family and their dad and his family who they want to spend time with - before you even consider that my cousin’s stepdaughter has a partner, who obviously has his own family to think about. I honestly wonder if they’d even recognise me in the street.

I said as much to my mother and that I had no plans to invite them. She started blustering about how it would look really bad; it would seem like they’d been left out etc.. I said that was ridiculous. It’s not like they’re children, or even as if they’ve been brought up in our family. The daughter is 24 with a baby, for heaven’s sake!

My mum was still panicking about how it looks like a snub, she doesn’t know what she’ll say to my auntie Pam… and won’t it look bad if we invite my cousin’s daughter and not his stepchildren? Again, to me this is ridiculous. I’ve known his daughter my entire life; I held her as a day-old baby. Of course she means more to me than people I meet once every few years!

Anyway, I’m trying to stand firm. If they were young children and everyone was living together as a family, I’d try to fit them in to keep the peace - but these are adults. That’s three spaces I’d be giving to people I don’t want to come and who probably don’t want to come themselves, before you even consider that this might cause a “Well if they’re coming, can’t we invite auntie Kate and cousin Bill?” ripple effect on my fiancé’s side.

Am I right to stand my ground?

So you're inviting their younger sibling but not them? Yeah that's pretty bad and I imagine your cousin and his wife will be annoyed.

No - they don’t have a younger sibling. My cousin’s daughter is from his first marriage. However, had that been the case, I think there would still be a big difference between a small child and two adults I barely know.

If you are inviting cousins and their children then that includes stepchildren, whatever age.

We took the approach of concentric circles. If we invited one aunt or uncle, we invited all of them regardless of actual relationship. If we invited one 2nd cousin, we invited all of them, even if we had barely met some of them. That way there was zero possibility for hurt feelings.

for the most part, the people you barely know are going to decline the invitation. This is especially true if they don’t live close to the event.

It all sort of works itself out.

So you went to there wedding? You were happy to attend that but don't want them at yours. That's poor form.

Neither of the stepchildren are married. I meant I haven’t seen them since my cousin’s wedding - which, by the way, I was only an evening guest at.

This is what we did too.

She went to her cousins wedding, who she’s invited plus his wife. It’s the stepkids who she does not know. Hasn’t met since the wedding that she’s not inviting

OK, sorry I misunderstood. But I still think it's bad form to not invite everyone in a family unit.

What was so funny about my post OP?

I just found it ridiculous.

Ah ok. I misread that I apologise.

Ridiculous that people should be treated fairly? I think your Mum has a point but it's your day in the end. Try not to be too much of a Bridezilla 😁

I invited cousins i was close to and not ones i am not close to. And what if they want plus ones? DH technically has step siblings but they didnt invite us to their wedding and vice versa, they're not at all close.

We had a rule that if we hadn’t seen them in the last 5 years or we could walk past them in the street and not know who they were, they didn’t make the list . Unfortunately at £85 a head we kept it reasonably small (70 people for wedding breakfast ) .

It will be upsetting for the parents, you see lots of posts on here when mum is upset her older DC have been excluded from weddings. But your choice.

Stand your ground and ignore any idiot off the internet saying you’re being unreasonable.

This is your wedding, you and your OH can invite who you want. I would honestly tell your mother to butt out. Who cares with how it looks. From the sounds of it if I got this right. Your uncle got married to a woman, together eight years, married three. The wife has two adult stepchildren who you haven’t seen since the wedding, so three years you haven’t seen them? You have no contact with them and they are not a part of your life? They haven’t been a part of your family and didn’t grow up together?

Your cousin has a daughter? Who you’ve know your whole life/close with etc?

I honestly don’t see the issue here. You don’t know these people? You haven’t had a relationship with them apart from your cousin marrying their mother. You haven’t seen them in three years so why invite them? Also comments about well you can’t invite your cousins own child without the stepchildren. Well why can’t you? Stepchildren is just a word. Same as step father or mother. I have a stepfather. Met him when I was 18 and call him by his real name. I do not and have never referred to him as my step dad. He didn’t bring me up and wasn’t in my life until I was an adult. I take it the stepchildren would have been in their late teens and he was never involved in raising them? I mean they’re teens how much help do they need? I also didn’t invite his kids to my wedding because we don’t know each, all adults when we met and are not in each others lives, We get on when we do see each other but I would not waste invites on people I don’t really know over some I love/want there for the sake of “what will people think”

No, you don’t need to invite adults you don’t know. Some people take a very hard line approach to ‘step children or nothing’ and they’re over represented on MN. I get it, when they’re all kids and it’s tricky to explain why some are missing out. But for adults, it’s nuts.

Why? She doesn’t know them? No part in her life? Last time she seen them was three years ago.

Would hardly called her a bridezilla for not wanting to invite two people she doesn’t know, has no part in her life and hasn’t seen in three years.

The parents? You mean ops cousin’s wife? The mother of his adult stepchildren? It would not bother me if the wife was upset that her adult stepchildren who op doesn’t not know, not seen in three years were not invited.

I’ve just reread the OP’s posts. Realistically, she can’t invite people who wouldn’t recognise her if they passed her on the street. In fact, it may be impolite to do so - in their position I would wonder if you just wanted an expensive present.

Of course you don’t have to invite them!

This is precisely the reason we ended up with 11 people at our wedding.
We hated all the ' What about auntie and uncle?' 'What about my friends who you don't know, but we went to their daughter's wedding?'

Why not invite them to the evening instead?