Wedding invitations for distant relatives

[JemimaPiddlepot]

I’m currently planning my autumn wedding, which is both very exciting and a little stressful! I thought I’d stayed on the right side of the line - until I showed my mum my seating plan…

I grew up in a close extended family, so as well as inviting my cousins and their partners, I’ve invited their children and their partners too. My fiancé is inviting a lot of family as well. I thought everyone in the family would be pleased. However, when I was having a planning chat with my mum and showed her the seating arrangements, she said, “You’ve made a mistake. Where are Amy and Carl?”

Amy and Carl are my cousin’s adult stepchildren. My cousin has been with his now wife for eight years, married for three. Her children seem nice, but I barely know them. I haven’t seen them since the wedding; we don’t even really see them at Christmas, as they’ve got their mum’s family and their dad and his family who they want to spend time with - before you even consider that my cousin’s stepdaughter has a partner, who obviously has his own family to think about. I honestly wonder if they’d even recognise me in the street.

I said as much to my mother and that I had no plans to invite them. She started blustering about how it would look really bad; it would seem like they’d been left out etc.. I said that was ridiculous. It’s not like they’re children, or even as if they’ve been brought up in our family. The daughter is 24 with a baby, for heaven’s sake!

My mum was still panicking about how it looks like a snub, she doesn’t know what she’ll say to my auntie Pam… and won’t it look bad if we invite my cousin’s daughter and not his stepchildren? Again, to me this is ridiculous. I’ve known his daughter my entire life; I held her as a day-old baby. Of course she means more to me than people I meet once every few years!

Anyway, I’m trying to stand firm. If they were young children and everyone was living together as a family, I’d try to fit them in to keep the peace - but these are adults. That’s three spaces I’d be giving to people I don’t want to come and who probably don’t want to come themselves, before you even consider that this might cause a “Well if they’re coming, can’t we invite auntie Kate and cousin Bill?” ripple effect on my fiancé’s side.

Am I right to stand my ground?

OP, sorry to see you’ve had some ridiculous replies. Step-adult children have cult status on MN, even if you haven’t seen them for years.

Don’t waste your money and guest spaces inviting people you never see to your wedding.

My mum guilt tripped me to include some relatives, I regretted it

But why? What are the reasons? She would be wasting money on guests she doesn’t know nor want there.

Why do step children have cult status? Is it because the people posting their children are the step child and can’t see any other view?

We got married in a very small village church ( perfect excuse!). We decided who we really wanted there and then told each set of parents they had 8 places and they could invite who they wanted. Honestly MIL would have given invites to all the regulars through her till at the supermarket if she'd had her way, not to mention all the 2nd cousins twice removed I'd never heard of let alone met. It did cause some fall out but quite frankly we weren't bothered about annoying people we never saw so tough.

You can’t be for real. I wouldn’t be upset as an adult child if my parents were invited to a family wedding and I wasn’t?! And I wouldn’t even be a step child to the relevant family.

I can say that if my cousin did not invite my step child to a wedding when she is an adult I would not be be worried. She wouldn’t recognise him if she saw him in the street and I get that at weddings spaces are at a premium

I agree with this. People on MN get very defensive when it comes to weddings and "OH BUT ITS FAMILEEE" and think that every member of a person's extended family, step relatives included whether you know them or not or get on with them or not should be invited as a matter of priority over people who actually matter to you.

It is your wedding and stand your ground on who you want to invite. I remember my mum literally screaming down the phone at me because I wasn't inviting my step cousin and his family to my wedding as it would upset my auntie. This despite the fact said cousin is 20 years older than me, I've literally met them about 5 times in my life and neither me nor my parents were invited to their wedding (absolutely no skin off my nose).

Similarly a cousin of mine who I did grow up with didn't invite me or my other cousins to her wedding and we were all close growing up and similar ages. She got married during the tail end of 2020 and had to be selective over who she could invite and she has friends a lot closer to her than we were. She is an only child too and far from being upset I actually felt pleased that she was able to prioritise who she wanted at her wedding and who was important to her.

I think you'll probably find your cousins adult SC won't care at all about not being invited and it'll be everyone else that has an opinion on it!

i have in when i was getting married and all the people i felt forced to decline like this ended up declining and sending gifts. i would invite because this is a joyous occasion and hopefully once in a lifetime. why risk hurting anyone’s feelings?

Surely if you're doing the seating plan then the invitations have already gone out?

If there's been no repercussions so far about them not being invited, then it's not an issue.

Amy and Carl presumably think the same about you as you think about them ("Seems perfectly nice, but I don't actually really know her"); do they WANT to lose a weekend and a chunk of cash for someone they don't really know? I bet they don't. You're fine.

Of course you don't need to invite them. Your mum is being ridiculous.

I don't understand this "hurt feelings". The OP has clearly said she barely knows the couple. They are her cousins adult step children, not some close relative she has grown up with. I'm sure the adult step children are grown up enough to not be an upset over not be invited to a wedding of a couple they barely know.

Also, if you invite Amy and Carl to your wedding then if they get married they will probably feel they have to invite you to their weddings as well. They won't want to invite you to their weddings for the same reason you don't want to invite them to yours, and you probably won't want to go either.

Ridiculous that you appear to have completely ignored any of the context. These are not little children who will need babysitting while my cousin and his wife are at the wedding. They won’t be struggling to understand why the rest of the family has been invited to a party and they haven’t. They’re adults! One has a baby of her own!

How on earth am I being “unfair”? Do you really think they’ll ever either way? Are you saying that, if one of your parents had remarried when you were in your late teens/early twenties, you’d genuinely think there had been an injustice if your parent’s partner’s cousin didn’t invite you to their wedding?

Precisely my thoughts. Amy has a 10 month-old baby. I imagine a child-free weekend would be used for something much more precious than this. Carl is 21. Most lads that age don’t want to go to the wedding of someone they DO know well!

But these are usually children practically raised by the stepdad. Not adults who barely know the bride and groom.

I know 🙄 not doing something that you want to do just because it might hurt someone feelings is crazy. Other people’s feeling? What about Ops? God forbid you’re second cousins, great aunt’s nieces dog might have hurt feelings if they’re not invited.

It would be rather exhausting going through your whole life worrying about risking hurt feelings and not doing what you want to do.

I’m confused about how your cousins are grandparents but you’ve still got your mum. Sorry I just can’t get my head around it.

You really don't understand?! Plenty of my cousins were grandparents when my mum was alive, and none of the family had children whilst they were in their teens. And the cousins' parents were great grandparents. And this will really blow your mind - there's such a thing as great great grandparents!

If all the people had children when they were 25, baby would be 1, parents 26, grandparents 51, great grandparents (and OP's mother, the great great aunt) 76 and great great grandparents 101

If you're already having such a big wedding, what's a couple more people to keep the peace

Personally I don’t think you can invite some siblings and not others. Step or not either just invite just the cousin and wife, or invite everyone (and then apply that across the family). You shouldn’t leave out step children (even adults). They are still part of the family and should be treated as such.

I am all for inviting who you want but I would not split invitations so if I was inviting 2nd cousins and all their children it would be all the children for example, or just 2nd cousins and no children

So immediate family or only 1st cousins, but I don't do step or 'natural' children type splits children are children to me

Honestly, OP, you’re fine. You really don’t have to invite adult stepchildren that you’ve never met. It’s not like they’ll need a babysitter! Nor do you need your mother’s approval.

Adults are not children.

Adults whose parent remarried when they were already an adult may technically be stepchildren but they really aren’t part of a family unit with the stepparent in the way that a child is. Adults whose parent remarried when they were already an adult have very little connection with the stepparent’s extended family at all, ime. This is really nonsense.