Wedding invitations for distant relatives

[JemimaPiddlepot]

I’m currently planning my autumn wedding, which is both very exciting and a little stressful! I thought I’d stayed on the right side of the line - until I showed my mum my seating plan…

I grew up in a close extended family, so as well as inviting my cousins and their partners, I’ve invited their children and their partners too. My fiancé is inviting a lot of family as well. I thought everyone in the family would be pleased. However, when I was having a planning chat with my mum and showed her the seating arrangements, she said, “You’ve made a mistake. Where are Amy and Carl?”

Amy and Carl are my cousin’s adult stepchildren. My cousin has been with his now wife for eight years, married for three. Her children seem nice, but I barely know them. I haven’t seen them since the wedding; we don’t even really see them at Christmas, as they’ve got their mum’s family and their dad and his family who they want to spend time with - before you even consider that my cousin’s stepdaughter has a partner, who obviously has his own family to think about. I honestly wonder if they’d even recognise me in the street.

I said as much to my mother and that I had no plans to invite them. She started blustering about how it would look really bad; it would seem like they’d been left out etc.. I said that was ridiculous. It’s not like they’re children, or even as if they’ve been brought up in our family. The daughter is 24 with a baby, for heaven’s sake!

My mum was still panicking about how it looks like a snub, she doesn’t know what she’ll say to my auntie Pam… and won’t it look bad if we invite my cousin’s daughter and not his stepchildren? Again, to me this is ridiculous. I’ve known his daughter my entire life; I held her as a day-old baby. Of course she means more to me than people I meet once every few years!

Anyway, I’m trying to stand firm. If they were young children and everyone was living together as a family, I’d try to fit them in to keep the peace - but these are adults. That’s three spaces I’d be giving to people I don’t want to come and who probably don’t want to come themselves, before you even consider that this might cause a “Well if they’re coming, can’t we invite auntie Kate and cousin Bill?” ripple effect on my fiancé’s side.

Am I right to stand my ground?

If you really want to keep the peace, ring your cousin and ask whether Amy and Carl are likely to feel hurt or excluded if they aren’t invited to your wedding. Betcha Amy and Carl couldn’t care less.

Just dug our wedding photos out for 25 years. There's awhile branch of my mother's, sister in laws family - including her mother who she couldn't stand. My mum even insisted on her cousins being invited plus partners and kids.
I've never seen most of them again. Not even at funerals!
Don't be me!

Then the op doesn't need to question it just invite who they want it is simple then

Exactly. Amy and Carl are not part of the family unit no matter how it is spun. They are the adult step children of the partners cousin who have only been in the cousins life for a few years.

Would people really be so entitled in real life to think they would be invited to a wedding of someone they have only known a few times because the bride is rhe cousin through a step parent?

Weddings are expensive with limited seating, couples are within their rights to invite who they want without having to consider the feelings of every single distant relative. I think people lose track that it is the bride and grooms day and that by inviting people they barely know, leaves less room to actually invite people like friends who are important to them.

My cousin remarried and has 3 step children with their own children. I have met them a handful of times, they seem nice but I don't know them very well at all, we never communicate outside of the occasional get togethers I see them at. I've known my cousin's children since they were born. At my wedding I invited my cousin, her kids and their partners. I didn't invite my cousins adult stepchildren who I didn't really know and there was absolutely no drama. They'd have thought it weird if I'd invited them and it would have been odd being there.

Stand firm OP. Presumably there isn’t an infinite budget or infinite space for this event. Your decision is reasonable.

That's a great idea! Gives them something to focus on 😂

Your Mum is being ridiculous, OP. It's understandable that if you have a large extended family that a line has to be drawn somewhere. We decided to limit invites to our wedding to grandparents, parents, siblings and their partners/children, then friends. It was great and I can highly recommend it.

Really? You can’t get your head around it?

Wait until you realise that my cousin also still has his mother! That will blow your mind!!

So immediate family or only 1st cousins, but I don't do step or 'natural' children type splits children are children to me

Even when they’re not children?

@JemimaPiddlepot Ignore everyone saying you need to invite adults you don't even know just because their mother is married to your cousin.

They probably wouldn't even thank you for inviting them if it's going to set a precedent that they need to invite you and any siblings you have to their weddings.

I didn't even invite my cousins' boyfriends and girlfriends on the grounds that they would all be there with their parents and siblings and they really didn't need plus ones. Your cousin will be there with his wife and his child that you are actually related to and know well. That's enough.

Your mum is being ridiculous. If you were only invited to your cousin's evening do and you are inviting him and his wife to the whole wedding, you are being very generous. Unless your mum is paying for everything, she doesn't really get a say. Surely your cousin's grown up step-children, who have never actually lived with your cousin as they had already left home, wouldn't even expect to be invited?

It really isn't hard to understand. It's more confusing you don't understand. I have one cousin who has children in her mid 20s. She could easily become a grandparent soon. My own mum isn't about to cark it any time soon!

These aren't small children who live in the family home with OP's cousin (who didn't even invite OP to his full wedding, only the evening do). These 'children' were grown up and living independently when their mum married OP's cousin. OP hardly knows them.

The posts where the mum is upset about their older DCs being excluded from weddings have been completely different. These excluded children were still in their teens and living at home, they were toddlers when their step-dad married their mum and had no contact with their birth father and his family. They considered the OP's DH to be their dad. It was a scenario where one child in a nuclear family was excluded. OP's situation is not the same.

Context is EVERYTHING!

If the step child has been brought up by the step mother /father for a whack of their childhood and have a close relationship in adulthood... Yes!!

However, I have a close pal who has adult step son that she's barely met... Got together when the adult child was working in America... Adult child returned for wedding...and then returned to settle and marry. Her husband facetimes them where they've setllied in America.... No way should they expect an invite from a step cousin that they've never met!! That's insane...

Any adult that gets the hump on their behalf really is a bit short of thinking!

We had this exact situation. We didn't invite loads of distant family members and cousins, even some aunts and uncles, as it just wasn't feasible in terms of cost and numbers. My in laws had a similarly uppity response about it looking bad, but we just reminded them it was our wedding and up to us who we invited. It all worked out in the end and no one seems to have held a grudge.

I think the real issue here is your mum. SHE is worried about the optics, and how it reflects on her. I would just tell your mum that if anyone has an issue with the invitations and discusses it with her, she is to say she had nothing to do with the invites, it’s all been down to the bride and groom. And if Amy and Carl have a problem they are welcome to speak to you directly (which they are very unlikely to do).

Update - I’ve seen my mum again today and she asked again about the guest list. I told her again that we’ve decided we are not allowed inviting Amy and Carl and that that is the end of it.

My mum started the whole “What will Auntie Pam think?” thing again. I reminded her that when Auntie Pam had been upset about my brother and I only being evening guests at my cousin’s wedding, a) my cousin hadn’t changed my mind for her and b) my mum had told her we understood and not to worry. I said if she particularly wants to speak to my aunt and tell her she wanted them to be invited, she can - but that I won’t be explaining myself.

There was some huffing and puffing, but I’ve made up my mind and am standing firm.

That's fair enough I think,

Just invite them for an easy life.

Weddings are stressful enough without the fallout that this sort of thing brings.

Tell your mum that they can come - but it'll be instead of her

No.

My stepbrother didn’t invite me to his wedding. I didn’t care!

I would invite them.

I have literally just realised we did the same thing! (Married 8 years!)

We invited all aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides. But one of my uncles (who I never see except at weddings and funerals) has three adult step children. I’ve literally never met the elder two as they were estranged from their mum for some years and only met the youngest maybe 3 times and at the point I got married I hadn’t seen her in at least ten years. (And havent seen her since)

Im assuming they weren’t offended as nothing was ever said .

As a compromise you could invite them to the evening do?