To think life is a lot easier & more relaxed if there’s one Sahp?

[Boredofwatchingthisonthebox]

Worked all my life, part time as a teen, through college, then Uni, then full time and some weekends.
Had Dc a little later in life and stayed at home for the first five years (worked three hours per week when Dh got home)
It wasn’t always easy, I was tired a lot, but grateful to be home. Life seemed to run a lot more smoothly. I was able to get any chores done during the day/week, there was no washing or cleaning the house or food shopping needing to be done at the weekends.
Now it’s back to full time, it’s all a juggle, we all barely see each other for long in the evenings, weekends are full of chores for one of the days, it’s all rushed etc

Aibu to think that having one Sahp (be it the mum or dad (if the dad were to do everything as efficiently 😆) is a better model?

And then inagine your husband left or something happened to him and there is you with years and years of no experience (sadly being a stay home parent does not look great on the CV), you are seen as too old by most prospective employers, you have irrelevant work experience from before kids, out of touch with work market and a shit pension to help you when you are 68. Fantastic prospect.
Many women work to avoid it.

What if the working parent dies? Not to mention people change and the amount of people who leave/cheat and leave is pretty high. What assurance do you have for you?

What would you have done if your husband had cheated, or turned nasty, or wanted a divorce?

I think a big issue today is more women do work so it's harder to get good flexible roles after a long break. And many relationships do end & settlements are not quite so generous these days.

I have seen two friends shafted after divorce by men who were decent men prior to affairs. Fortunately they both worked & had family money to help them.

Time is the most precious thing we have and can give to anyone. Of course being there and around for our dc is invaluable and yes not having additional worries.
Our dc came at the very wrong time just as the world financial melt down occurred. We had just got a mortgage, found out my maternity pay was wrong and I wouldn't get much, most of dh team laid off poor paid job.
Thankfully we got tax credits which paid for our food and we got tons of stuff free for the house, baby, yellow sticker food obviously absolutely no extras like hair dressers.

We saved up tins, coins here and there to put to Xmas and a weekend away in a youth hostel.
We had just brought a house and had no money to do anything we wanted too it and still havant structure wise.
I got reduced paint, free furniture, mirrors, outdoor toys. One Xmas age 2 all of dd toys were free...

My own wardrobe is very limited after being obsessed with clothes!
Dh pay literally just covered our bills and tax credits did the food.
It was actually a fun time.
Thankfully dh and I had interesting backgrounds which left us both in materialistic and neither of us our lusting after new cars.
5 years after and I was back and work and have been since it's all gone in the blink of an eye...

Easier and more relaxed ? I guess so

But if you want an equal relationship, I think it's a terrible option

I think it is.

My husband works full time, leave the house at 7.15 and is back by 6ish.

I work school hours 4 days a week, my day off is a lot less stressful because I'm not worried about making it to work on time. The other days I'm rushing about trying to make sure they have everything and I have everything, then getting out the door and getting to work on time. Then when I'm at work I have to be gone in time to pick the kids up, can't help out if they are busy, got to be conscious not to get involved in anything that will delay me.

It's exhausting but because I work part time I'm in charge of all school stuff. Things would be easier if I didn't work at all because then I could take on all school stuff. I definitely couldn't cope with a full on career.

If 2 parents work part time do they both contribute to the school stuff? Are they both in charge or is someone in charge and the other does delagated tasks? I wonder if things could be a bit chaotic if both were in charge, would you end up doing the same things and missing something out?

If 2 parents work part time do they both contribute to the school stuff? Are they both in charge or is someone in charge and the other does delagated tasks? I wonder if things could be a bit chaotic if both were in charge, would you end up doing the same things and missing something out?

We both work 4 days a week, what we do for school stuff is broadly deal with one child each. Obviously that doesn't mean attend every school event for that child and not for the other but have primary responsibility for sorting that child's school stuff / diarising their stuff etc

Then other stuff we have divided up - e.g. DH books and pays wraparound, I do holiday clubs

Family Life is easier and better with less than two ft jobs between you.
But a ft/sahp is not my ideal. It’s not ideal to me for one person to have no career at all and it’s not ideal imo for the children to have such an imbalance in parental relationships. Many ft parents with a sahp partner will feel the pressure to give 100% at work as the only income earner. Leaving nothing to give at home.

I think two p/t jobs or at least very flexible no more than 9-5 local, some wfh, ft jobs is the ideal.

It's subjective though isn't it? This wasn't my experience. I was a SAHM it was the right decision for our family.and I have a good job now. I agree with the OP. It is easier to.have a SAHP if you can Not every man is out to get you and some women want to stay at home and bring their kids up and some want to work.

I was a SAHP for a number of years. We adopted and it was definitely expected that one parent would be available full time, and I understood why.

I was very happy to do it and I enjoyed it once I got into the swing of it (starting your parenting with a three year old with expectations and an ability to say "no" is interesting 🤣)

And yes, it did make life easier all round because I was able to do stuff, organise Christmas, nursery/school drop-offs etc.

But as others have pointed out, there are financial implications, not least of which is my pension. I had a workplace pension which obviously ended when I left, and I stupidly didn't take out a private one.

I

Ours are in GCSE and A Level year now. We're both home all the time and there's no doubling up or missing out on things. Emails from the school get sent to both of us so we discuss them and I tend to do the lunches and day to day stuff. DH helps with their maths homework and I help with art and music revision and school trips admin.
We both do the school run and all the extra curricular running around. We talk to each other!

Australia. Grassroots sports needs volunteers though, you could not run an athletics session without at least 30 parents- imagine the cost of that if all paid. There are 9 roles plus the coach for parents for every U10 football game (for each team), and dh is on the club committee because they needed people and it is non negotiable to him that his kids get to play football. Ditto me as our kids are at the most amazing nurturing childcare - if you value something, you need to contribute.
we work really hard to make it work. I won’t host family Christmas as I just haven’t the capacity to tidy and host as well as sort Christmas for my dc and do all the end of year stuff and clear my plate at work for a few weeks off.

My kids don't do athletics but they are both on teams for different sorts - swimming, football, basketball - and none of these teams ask for any parent volunteers.

I wonder what answer children would give if they were asked if they wanted a parent at home or to go to childcare every week day and holiday ?

Well, speaking for myself - my mum was a SAHM for a couple of years but mostly worked full time and I preferred it when she worked.

My children are old enough to voice their opinions and they tell us that they enjoy after school club - I used to sometimes pick them up early one day a week when I could and my older one in particular has been very clear that he prefers to stay playing with his mates. They wouldn't like holiday childcare every day of the holidays but they are absolutely fine with the 3 weeks or so that they go (we obviously use some annual leave separately and also usually an extra week of parental leave)

I wonder what answer children would give if they were asked if they wanted a meal of protein and green vegetables and some junk? I wonder what answer children would give if they were asked if wanted to go to school or go to a theme park every weekday? I wonder what answer children would give if they were asked if they wanted to spend four hours looking at YouTube videos or practising reading and writing? Etc etc.

"Nigel" made me giggle

Life is always better with (a) free and highly competent servant(s) doing all the labour that one does not wish to perform for oneself. This is an indisputable fact of life. Who wishes to do all that free labour is the sticking point.

Well you stayed at home during the day but you were also working in the evenings so you were actually working part time. I think that both partners working part time is the ideal. Otherwise one partner, typically the female, is more likely to be overloaded with household chores and tasks while the male does a lot less because he 'works'/'work full time'/'earns more'

All else being equal, it's more relaxed in terms of the juggle. There are a lot of factors to consider when deciding if it's better.

I wonder what answer children would give if they were asked if they wanted a parent at home or to go to childcare every week day and holiday ?

My mum was a SAHM and we had nannie's etc. I have most school holidays off and my dc go to clubs. They also do extracurriculars after school despite me having finished work.

My neighbour growing up send her dc to boarding school despite not working 😱

It is absolutely easier for the working parent if there is a SAHP. When my ex was at home I did not have to rush around to get home in the evening and the basics were done at home. However it is a luxury for most people. I am now a single parent and am back to rushing around.

I can answer this from direct experience: my mum gave up a glamorous and well-paid job which she loved to be a SAHM and absolutely hated it. She loved us but she was perpetually bored, unfulfilled, twitchy and depressed.

This was the 70s when it was much harder for a woman who'd given up work to get back into it so after 6 or 7 years off bringing up two kids she was basically becalmed and never got her mojo back.

I would have far preferred to go to childcare a few times a week and have a happy and fulfilled mother who didn't seethe with resentment all the time about her inability to get back into the labour market. And I've asked my DD, who was in childcare after school three days a week, what she made of it and she didn't understand the question.

This is a heavily loaded, political question always asked by people who disapprove of childcare. And significantly never asked of men who go out to work.