To think life is a lot easier & more relaxed if there’s one Sahp?

[Boredofwatchingthisonthebox]

Worked all my life, part time as a teen, through college, then Uni, then full time and some weekends.
Had Dc a little later in life and stayed at home for the first five years (worked three hours per week when Dh got home)
It wasn’t always easy, I was tired a lot, but grateful to be home. Life seemed to run a lot more smoothly. I was able to get any chores done during the day/week, there was no washing or cleaning the house or food shopping needing to be done at the weekends.
Now it’s back to full time, it’s all a juggle, we all barely see each other for long in the evenings, weekends are full of chores for one of the days, it’s all rushed etc

Aibu to think that having one Sahp (be it the mum or dad (if the dad were to do everything as efficiently 😆) is a better model?

I can't imagine how terrible a sahp you'd have to be for it not to make life smoother and less stressful overall for the children and the working parent.

I find i'm a much better parent working part time so I guess that makes me a terrible SAHP 😆

Yours is a very different situation. Having time to yourself when you are raising a disabled child is vital. That respite is what enables you to be on call for your disabled child when they are home. Being able to dedicate time to the admin that’s required, not being reliant on the good will of an employer so you can attend meetings, appointments and the like makes things a whole lot easier. I spoke to the OT when my daughter was a toddler about how we manage all of this and also work full time. She said we were pretty much the only case she had where both parents worked. She assumed I’d stop working eventually because most people do.

I didn’t, we managed between us, and my daughter still got everything she needs. That part of it hasn’t been easy, but we found our footing and what worked early on. Whilst I get your comment about how you have a well written EHCP and school etc, I would say to other parents with disabled children that can be possible to do both, there are services available to help with these things, but also, it is very much a postcode lottery. I see parents in other areas near me who have done pretty much the same as I did but have had a much harder time getting things sorted for their children.

It may well be almost a necessity to have a SAHP in our situations, but what a fucking world that it is that way. They make it incredibly difficult for parents, who have to fight for every little thing, forcing them to give up work, then pay a pittance in carers allowance.

Being a sahp is often not a choice for the sahp as with the soaring costs of childcare there is no financial benefit to one of the parents only working to pay for childcare. We were in this position so I stayed at home until the youngest was well through primary school and then went back to work. By that stage they needed less of my time and my husband had set up his own business and worked from home so between us someone was always available for school pickups etc. I work two hours a day once the kids are at school and three night shifts from 10pm to 8am which is perfect as father is there and I don’t leave til they are all in bed and am back for the morning get to school rush! I kept up my NI contributions though all the time I stayed at home and think this is vital. I also did a few other bits and pieces to make extra money if we needed it. I wouldn’t change the time I had at home even if it meant no flash clothes, cars or foreign holidays - before I gave up work I worked out that with travel, childcare etc I was actually making about £1.50 an hour! For us it worked and works now with me having a great job with great hours. Every family is different and had different dynamics and it’s not always easier to have one sahp but sometimes it is. Each to their own. My advice would be to spend time looking at all your options and taking it from there but both parents need to be on board and shit like the working parent overseeing all spending and telling the sahp what to do will not work. You need to be on the same page.

Of course it's more relaxed. I don't know why people try to pretend otherwise. Supermarkets at the weekends are hell. Having to take time off work for children's illness and/or appointments is stressful when working. Trying to organise diaries for school plays/parents evening/play dates/parties can be tricky. At my DCs primary they did a star of the week assembly on Monday mornings but didn't announce who was star of the week until the Friday afternoon.
Organising school holiday childcare can be difficult. With a SAHP it's covered and the working parents annual leave can be used for family time, family holidays and splitting of some down time for each parent. Otherwise it can end up being both parents having opposite time off to cover childcare.
Big jobs like decorating and DIY can be done much easier. Taking cars for MOTs can be done by SAHP so the worker doesn't need to take time off. The bulk of housework can be done during the day so there's chance for quality family time in the evening.
I found I spent a lot less when a SAHP too because I had time to shop around and prepare for things in advance and there wasn't need for convenience buying.

I have done it all, worked full time with children in childcare of one form or another, worked part time, been a sahp and worked full time with DH as a sahp.
If you can afford it then having a sahp is much easier day to day. You don't really feel the real benefit though until something out of the ordinary happens then the inbuilt flexibility is invaluable. There was no trying to juggle annual leave to cover illness or emergency. We were also able to take advantage of any opportunities the children had as we could take them places on short notice.
The downside of the sahp was only (in our house) felt by us parents (boredom and isolation) as we were lucky enough to be able to live on one salary so the children never had to do without anything they needed. There was less disposable income but the difference is less than you would think between the cost of childcare and the cost of working (travel, clothes and things you buy to make life easier).

However the working parent gets guaranteed annual leave while the reality for the sahp is that they don’t ever get full time off as even when the working parent is there they are still most likely taking the burden of everything

I hear you and yes you have managed incredibly well to retain your career with a severly disabled child, it's incredibly difficult to do as well as retsin your sanity and your marriage.

I know when he transitions for social care because of the level of his need and the costs to pay someone to do it instead of me the LA would push for him to go into residential care if I was working. That's not a battle I want go risk losing at this moment and when the time comes it will be with our choices and under our control. As an aside one of things that hasn't been mentioned as far as I can see is the guilt or lack of it through our choices. If I could have a do over I would still choose to be at home as I highly doubt my son would be better off with me working and I couldn't live with that. I recognise that I can make this choice and some people don't have a choice, they either have to work or don't have the choice and have to give up.

Yes it is a very flawed system which I think is only going to get worse. No parent of a disabled child should be forced to work or give up their work because of their child's disability.

Not really; it’s pretty pressured and chaotic, it’s a constant juggle. Dh leaves at 6am so I get the kids up and out and start late , my job can have evening meetings ,and if you take some responsible parent jobs like everyone does… so we are both committee members, I am team manager for 2 basketball teams (my kids play in 3) , if I tally the sports sessions up I think it’s 12 sessions a week, we need to cook and clean too…

@JLou08

I think there are a few big things you're missing

1. Different people find different things stressful - I don't find booking my kids into a holiday club anything like as stressful as entertaining them for a week. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy spending time with them but I would much rather take 5 mins and book a holiday club than have six solid weeks with them in the summer. I would also infinitely rather pay people to do cleaning/DIY than have the time to do it myself.

2. Yes working and being a parent involves some diarising. But TBH it's really not that much on top of what I have always done for my job, I don't find it especially difficult.

3. You set up your life around your choices. Just one example - I haven't been to a supermarket to do a big shop in decades. I meal plan and get online deliveries twice a week - I do the meal planning/ordering on the train to work.

I probably would find it easier if DH was a SAHD but I wouldn't be more relaxed as a SAHM - because it would basically mean lots of my time had been freed up to do things I didn't enjoy in the first place.

@BoredZelda this is such a great post. Completely agree.

Work is much more than making money. I love that it keeps my mind sharp and gives me a front seat into a wider world outside of the domestic sphere. There are external standards and expectations. Change is the only constant in my line of work. Managing people forces me to think about things from their perspective.

Sure I do all that when managing my household and parenting, but work is a whole new and challenging sphere of influence. I take pride in my work achievements and learn from failures.

My youngest is now doing his A levels. He will leave the house in September. We are fully funding his uni fees and expenses as we did for dd. They will graduate with no debt and with a house deposit. Yeah, my working also pays for that. It also helps with careers advice.

I am looking forward to my time with the dcs out of the house. I have planned many projects at home and some work projects will start to bear fruit. Thus DCs leaving the house will be nice segue into stepping up into my other world rather than a 'retirement' from parenting/domestic at a relatively young age.

I asked ds whether he would prefer a wife/partner who is a SAHM or not. He is quite consistent in wanting a partner in paid employment. I am not sure whether he is saying it to please me but he has seen his other friends who have SAHM mothers and presume he made his mind up from a wider perspective.

Life may be 'easier' or simpler if one parent were the SAHP (assuming it is a free choice to SAHP) whilst the dcs were growing up, but IMO it is a somewhat shortsighted approach. Life is long and there are worlds outside of the relatively brief high intensity parenting years which are engaging and fulfilling.

I don't understand the trope that WOHPs are envious of SAHPs. If anything, once the dcs are adults, I am inclined to think it is the other way round, if anyone is envious of anyone.

That isn't how true partnership works though is it? If a family decide that it will work better for them as a unit that one parent is a SAHP then it really isn't how you describe.

With 2 ft parents, you have to be ruthless at time management. So being committee members and team manager for 2 basketballs teams is a luxury. You may not be able to do both if you wish to keep your sanity.

If you want the flexibility to do these, then by all means work pt or be an SAHP otherwise you would spread yourself too thin. Working ft should pay for a cleaner. I'd rather work to bring in the money and be able to outsource tasks to experts. That is more efficient.

ideally. But either party can also decide to terminate this arrangement at any time.

It ignores the power dynamics and access to finances.

The SAHP is relying on the WOHP to provide for them financially not just in the present but also in the future (i.e pensions) and even if the family breaks up. It is unlikely the SAHP has sufficient bargaining power to influence these decisions so it is relying on the decency of the WOHP to think ahead and provide.

Many women don't understand investments and financial planning and bury their head in the sand. There is even less chance of understanding the household finances if they occupy themselves fully in the parenting and domestic sphere. It is all fine until something happens to the WOHP (death, long term illness, redundancy, affair, divorce) where the vulnerability of the SAHP becomes clear.

Different people find different things stressful. Yes the planning and juggling can be a challenge, or organising things when one of us is on a business trip and can't do their usual share. But I've been poor and I find being financially in a less secure position more stressful. Not only in case DH decides to leave me, but redundancies happen, or toxic work environments you want to leave. It's much more relaxing for me to know we have 2 incomes and can still manage just fine if something happens to one of them. So for me personally, 2 WOHPs is less stressful.

We don't have kids but I don't work while DH does in a fairly high paid career. It is massively better for both of us like this. He works and I do pretty much everything in the house. He comes home to a delicious home cooked meal, freshly baked sourdough bread, a clean and organised home. We either exercise then eat or eat and go for a walk, then we come home and watch a film, read or play a game together. Weekends jobs are mostly already done so we get to relax and have fun together.

We really prioritise healthy fresh food and that takes time to prepare but it makes such a difference to our health, energy and moods if we eat in a certain way. We both work pretty hard although I do have more time for things like reading, yoga and so on.

If you can afford it then I recommended it.

We both work pretty hard

I am sure your dh works hard, but how do you work hard?

I do work hard in the home every day, there are always things to be done in the kitchen, in the garden, and the rest of the home as well as admin. Some of it can be heavy manual work, some quite mentally challenging as I figure out how to make something work within the limitations I have.

I am from a professional well paid back ground and I easily work as hard now as I did in my old job. Perhaps I have more personal time than I used to for the things I am passionate about but that doesn't negate my efforts at home.

These are the things needed from parents these days though. My kids are at an amazing childcare with a parent committee in charge and I’m the treasurer. I had to put in some work to get a beginners basketball team for my middle child to start hence am manager, it wouldn’t have happened otherwise and he loves it. There is a lot of parent input required when your kids love sport, it’s not an optional extra or a luxury. Athletics requires regular volunteering, football allocates out parent roles. We are ruthless about time management. And we do pay for a cleaner, that absolutely does not mean we don’t have to endlessly tidy and wash and clean with 3 kids. It does mean I almost never vacuum.

I'm guessing you're in the US where much more seems to be expected of parents for extra curriculars

In the UK, my kids do various sports and all that is expected of us is to pay for them and they hire people to do the work. Ditto childcare

It is up to you to prioritise. This is how your chips fall. I would prioritise other areas. All fine. With money, there are more options. Hence it is still worth it to have 2 ft parents.

ok then. But you are doing what you want to do in this time consuming way to your own standards and time. Other working parents do this as well on top of their jobs.

Sorry but I cannot see life admin and optional labour as hard work.

@blueshoes Luckily it doesn't matter what you think 😊

Nor you 😁Might you be taking a chat forum too seriously?

This would entirely depend on the relationship surely? I grew up with one sahp for most of my childhood but they swapped so it was fair. If it was just my Mum or just my Dad the entire time I don't think it would have worked as well.