To think life is a lot easier & more relaxed if there’s one Sahp?

[Boredofwatchingthisonthebox]

Worked all my life, part time as a teen, through college, then Uni, then full time and some weekends.
Had Dc a little later in life and stayed at home for the first five years (worked three hours per week when Dh got home)
It wasn’t always easy, I was tired a lot, but grateful to be home. Life seemed to run a lot more smoothly. I was able to get any chores done during the day/week, there was no washing or cleaning the house or food shopping needing to be done at the weekends.
Now it’s back to full time, it’s all a juggle, we all barely see each other for long in the evenings, weekends are full of chores for one of the days, it’s all rushed etc

Aibu to think that having one Sahp (be it the mum or dad (if the dad were to do everything as efficiently 😆) is a better model?

No, I don't think it's easier, more relaxed or a better model for one adult in a relationship to become the servant. You're both adults and should both be splitting the chores. You could also rearrange your time so that there isn't a big build up of things to do on a weekend - clean as you go throughout the week, so there isn't actually a lot to do on one specific day; do the clothes wash and some cleaning on a Friday night; wash the sheets and towels on a Sat/Sun morning, that's it. What on earth are you doing that's taking your whole weekend? Most people food shop via home delivery, which just involves putting things away. If you actually go the the supermarket, do it after work.

I wonder would all the SAHMs be so quick to stay at home if their husbands did not earn good money.

plenty of SAHMs can't afford to work

DH was made redundant mid 2020 and was at home for about 6 months.

Because we had the redundancy money (he'd been in the job decades) we suffered no loss of income, and he no longer had the commuting costs. He was available to look after DD all that dreadful summer when everything was shut. He kept the house clean and tidy and cooked the dinners. It was great coming home from work (went back into the office on wellbeing grounds) and not having to pick up the housework and laundry and cooking.

If only we could have afforded it we both agreed we'd have carried that on.

I’m sure it would be fantastic, but many couples are obviously unable to afford this.

Of course it makes home life much smoother. I worked term time from when my youngest started pre-school until he was 14. It was so easy. I was home just as the children arrived home, i could talk to them about their day, was available to help with homework or cheer them up if they had had a rubbish day. We could eat a made from scratch meal at a reasonable time and the bed time routine was not rushed. I could actually have evenings to myself. Husband at the time just slotted in depending on his shifts working days/nights or away for months on end.
We had a joint account that my pension was paid from, this started the month i found out i was pregnant with the first child. My wage when i started working again went into my own account and i used it as i saw fit, mostly to build my escape fund.
My children are in their 30s and i have retired but i can honestly say i am so grateful i had that time with them. I don't sit here wishing i had spent more time at work.

This is stupid capitalism-ass-kissing bullshit. Oh no, earnings losses - so what, if the family are earning enough? What do you need, a gold plated toilet?

This is naive and spoilt dog-whistling of the worst kind.

No one, outside of Trump's entourage, works for a "gold plated toilet" as I'm sure you know. I've had to work throughout my child's childhood because until about two years ago I was a single parent. If I hadn't worked my child would either have starved or we'd have lived on benefits. "Earnings losses" isn't some trivial thing to sneer at: it's do or die for many people.

We all have to work with the system we have. Unless you are independently wealthy, ultimately you either get your money from your employer or your husband. We all make a choice somewhere along that spectrum.

Wanting a better work/life balance is completely understandable and I can totally understand why having a spouse at home is attractive. If people can make it work without creating a very asymmetrical situation then all power to them.

But painting working mums as ruthless capitalist bastards who only work to buy shoes and handbags is such an insulting and stupid argument, but so prevalent on here. There's nothing "capitalist" about wanting some financial autonomy, about wanting to improve your household income and show your children that they can also be financially independent.

I think you are completely right to kick back against the insinuation that being a SAHP is living like a child. Horrendously patronising and ignores the fact that adults can be supported by one another - or in my own view by the state - at various points in their life without it diminishing their status as adults deserving of full respect.

I don't agree with your very negative view of paid work. Not everyone's experience of work is the way you describe. Since leaving uni I have always worked for either a school or in the NHS and I believe that my colleagues and I have made a valuable difference to other people's lives every single working day. Maybe that a pompous of me but I stand by it. Other people might not work in the same sort of sector but can still experience their work as having an intrinsic value to themselves or other people. Depending on the job, work can also be intellectually interesting and I also don'tcthink there is anything pathetic about deriving a sense of purpose and achievement from the challenges of work - I know that some people can derive this just as well from family life or from hobbies but not everyone is the same (something attested to by people's very different experiences with retirement - some bloody love it and some hate the loss of work).

Another element of work worth mentioning is the social side. Again this depends on the job of course, but personally I've always loved working - even when a teen in low paid roles working in shops or doing cleaning - because I loved stepping into a new environment and meeting new people. Ideally people would get friendship, community and fun outside of work but for people like me who are a bit socially awkward, work has been a godsend. The hardest part of MAT leave for me was feeling isolated and not having the chance to escape my home life by going to work where I could play a different 'role' - express another part of myself.

Some people will experience work as pretty miserable, either because of the type of job they're in or because their own personality and interests would enable them to thrive if they had more time to dedicate to their non-working life / family. Everyone is different.

By the way, I'm not sure that disparaging work is an effective anti-capitalist position. The thing about 'from each according to his ability; to each according to his need' is that those with the ability to work need to actually pull their weight to make the whole thing operate effectively (I do appreciate that being a SAHM should be counted as work too... but so should paid work!).

I spoke with my friend about this and I will never forget her response. She said "you are either time rich and cash poor, or cash rich and time poor". I have never agreed with a statement more.

@footpathI know I can't afford to go back to work. Even with the funded nursery hours I would have to pay a top up, and a childminder for pick ups and drop offs, and then the commute costs for myself. We did the maths and it just wasn't worth it at all.

Quite. But in this case it works because him prividing financially and not having to take anyoneinto account if he wants to do something (which he prefers) makes it possible for me to focus on my children which I prefer. And I do get me time during the day while they are in school so he gets his time off in the evenings/week-ends.

This is an incredibly small minded view. I have had a highly successful career, making my way up to Chief People Officer of a group of financial services businesses. After having my baby last February, I am now a SAHP and I will be until she goes to school. It is more relaxed and very stress free for me to look after the baby and house and be fully present, in comparison to my going to London constantly and working 12 hour days. The choice I have made does come with consequences like lost earnings of course, but I am very lucky that my husband can support us during this time as we have paired back our lifestyle to a huge degree. Both of us are very happy with this decision. This does not make me “like a child”. Get your head out of your behind.

The only reason for the above attitude is absolute jealously - because someone cannot imagine having a partner they trust enough to be able to rely on them, because they're too insecure in themselves that they need a full time "career" (read: time-waste) to feel worthwhile, or whatever else. Total jealously - because not having to go to work is amazing. Not being part of the rat race is fucking glorious. Why do you NEED to be ordered around like a slave by a stranger to feel useful?

I don't have any issues with a SAHP but why is it wrong for some people to like their jobs? I like mine and my colleagues and i'm good at my job. The above narrative is never thrown at a man.

I'm a sahp. I never thought would be, I'd always worked from being 17 and through college and uni. After having ds1 my career at the time wasn't feasible as I worked away as part of my role and I didn't want to miss all his firsts etc. I got a little part time job with the LA.

After ds2 was born I gave up work completely. He has multiple disabilities and will never be able to live alone and requires constant care.

Me being a sahp has worked wonders for our family and has worked to everyone's benefit.

Ds1 has always had somebody to support him when he's needed it, he's now taking his A-levels and is expected amazing results. I've always been here to help with homework, projects, hobbies etc.

Ds2 has a very well written ehcp and goes to one of the best sen schools in the country. He's made huge progress. I'm sure this wouldn't have been achieved if I was working as I wouldn't have been able to take on the endless battles with theLA or support with the same amount of therapy and additional work with him at home.

Dh has progressed in his career knowing I'm here for the children. He pulls his weight and is heavily involved with all aspects of their childhood but is safe in the knowledge that I can be here for transport, appointments, meetings, sickness, school plays etc if he can't take the time (he always try to make as many as possible).

As for me, now that ds2 is settled in a great school I get my days to do as I please. I do the bulk of the housework but that's not a huge deal, I have my own car, full access to all finances etc I work out, read, go for coffee with other parent carers, plan our upcoming holiday and do as I please. Why would I trade that to work in a job which could never match my original career and I'd be settling for something I don't enjoy?

Ds2 will transition to adult care over the next few years so that will need managing.

We're all happy with the situation.

@dontcomeatme I changed my career after dc and the two days I worked I didn't earn more than childcare costs but fortunately we could afford it now out of household income and now I have progressed and earn a good salary.

I'm not sure I will ever go full time though, I've found as the dc get older they need you more in some ways.

@Perzival I'm sorry, it must be very hard to have a disable child.

Aibu to think that having one Sahp (be it the mum or dad (if the dad were to do everything as efficiently 😆) is a better model?

There's so many other factors to consider. Is the SAHP happy to be doing it? Was it a free and equitable choice? Will it disadvantage them later? Can they afford it, will it cost them a good standard of living?

I was a SAHP, I was happy enough. Until I wasn't. Now having us both work is a better model.

Well thank you child free person for deciding why parents make the choices they do.

In your scenario, someone still has to work. Why is it ok for one person to subscribe to working for a rich person but the other does not (and why is it nearly always the woman?)

You talk about work as if it’s only to make money. There may be people in that position, but working, for me, is so much more than that. I take pride in the job that I do. I am constantly improving myself despite having done the job for 30 years. I have worked my way up in my career and now manage a team of people. It keeps my mind sharp, I’d be bored if my life was centred around my home.

My daughter is 16. In a couple of years she will be at university, what would my life be then, if I had not continued working? Then I really would be just working to make money, in a low paid job. Progression at 50 is much harder to do if you are starting from the bottom.

It’s also not about gold toilets. Many families need two working parents to pay the bills. We didn’t, but every spare penny we have is saved for my daughter’s education when she leaves school. We have both worked flexibly since my daughter was born and life is no more chaotic than if one of us didn’t have a job. Our daughter has grown up knowing it isn't the woman’s job to look after the home. That everyone pitches in and pulls their weight. That it’s entirely normal for dad to cook and clean and for mum to do DIY. She hasn’t suffered one bit from having two working parents. She is smart, headed for studying medicine. If her incredible brain was not put to any use other than looking after a family, I’d see that as quite sad, unless it was what she chose to do.

I’m not sure what you’d want as the alternative to capitalism, but I doubt whether most people would be much happier within it. Certainly we’d take many steps backward when it comes to equity for women.

I wfh 2 days a week and that to me is perfect for us. Still gives me a salary of £40k or so and my dh can work ft and not have to do any cooking/cleaning/kid pick ups after work like he used to when I was FT working out of the house. We are constantly saying how much better our quality of life is. I dropped a considerable amount of salary but life is so very much better for all of us and my dh earns more than me pro rata anyway so makes sense for him to be the earner. If you can afford it, do it. There’s no downside I can see unless financially not viable.

@footpaththat's amazing being able to do it that way. Unfortunately we couldn't justify that unless we knew my salary would increase rather quickly (unlikely), we would burn through our savings/back up money in no time. I'm hoping when they're both in school I can go back part time and start the process then 🤞
And same, I would never be full time. My friend has older DC and is in more demand now than ever, especially for the teens!

Senior lecturers don't earn that now, either

My mother in the 80’s resented staying at home, and wanted to go back to work desperately.
In my own relationship it worked better financially for the higher earner to make as much money as possible while the other stayed at home. I was happy and fulfilled doing so.
Now we both are in a position to work part time, but the kids are adults.

Mostly, it’s a moot point. Everyone has bills to pay that often one income won’t cover. There’s really little choice other than the hypothetical.

@dontcomeatme good luck!

I think that what makes parenting easy (or as easy as it ever can be!) is to have two parents who are on the same page, and can basically understand and empathise with what the other parent is experiencing.

Personally, I found that a situation where both I and my husband worked part time when kids were young achieved this. We both had to balance work and childcare and so could understand the challenges each other were facing.

I think it also stopped any simplistic ‘you have it easier that me’ thoughts, as we both knew well that some days at work are tough, some days with the kids are tough etc. And that one of us didn’t have it easier than the other.

For some couples a split where one focuses on paid work and the other focuses on childcare might work. But I think there is a real danger of each parent getting so caught up in their own sphere (and convincing themselves that they have the more difficult life) that it prevents empathy and them working as a team.

I can't imagine how terrible a sahp you'd have to be for it not to make life smoother and less stressful overall for the children and the working parent.

I’ve never been in a SAHP situation but I don’t think it’s hard to work and run a home so I never really get the drama tbh.

I was talking to someone the other day and she’s not worked since her 16 year old was born. They are wealthy but I was horrified when she said he’d maxed his pension but she didn’t have one. That is not a world in which I’d want to live!