I feel I made a mistake re:my kids

[IFeelIMadeMistake]

I feel I made a huge mistake in terms of my kids schools. My eldest went to our local state primary and it was the worst choice I made as there was another primary she would gave gotten into but I stupidly thought closer is better as we can walk. It was awful and got put into special measures (I might have gotten the term wrong: it was “good” ofsted rating to requires improvement)and it failed its safeguarding inspection. Most of the teachers left and it was chaos. My DD hated school and refused to go. I was trying to get her into another school but no spaces. In the end we put her in private when she was in year 2 and she’s still there 3 years later. She loves it and is very happy. Problem is as we put her in private we felt we had to put our youngest in private too. So they both are in there. Myself and DH are professionals and earn well but every penny is going to school and we have very little left at the end. My mum feels we should continue as they are happy. I just feel I made a huge mistake - had I chosen the other primary they both would be happy but the issue is the other primary is oversubscribed so as we didn’t put it as choice 1 for eldest we had no chance.

im thinking just to struggle till they are in y6 then look at state secondary but I feel so lost. The secondary schools are no better and our catchment school results are awful.

I feel really lost in what to do. We are not able to move out to better school catchments

Please can someone offer me advice without attacking me or the usual Mumsnet of kicking someone when they’re already down and asking for advice.

You made a reasonable choice at the time. You might not have got into the other school anyway. It's just bad luck. All you can do is look at your options now. Could you get them tutors? Move further to a different town?

You can’t know they would have been happy at the other primary school, because they didn’t go there. You do know they are happy where they are, but the financial toll is high.

You’ve said you can’t move, which would have been the solution. Many people move to secure a place at what they perceive to be a better secondary school.

You could send them to a catchment secondary and use some of the money you save by using state education, to pay for tutors, if you feel they need it.

I suppose the alternative is to stay within the private system, but that may be a further financial toll on you.

Thank you both. I’m just struggling with all this. Also the fact I think the catchment secondary is bad but lots think it’s good. The local secondary is ofsted good but my sister whose a teacher worked there and told me it was awful. I just don’t know what decision to make in terms of secondary state.

You didn't make a huge mistake. You made a good decision with the info you had at the time. It sounds like you are a great parent. Seriously, don't beat yourself up about something you can't change. Is moving an option. If you can move to an area with better secondary schools it would take away some of that financial pressure. I think you already know the answers:

1.keep in private

1. Switch to secondary schools and supplement with tutors and extra curricular
2. Move to an area with better state schools

Only you can decide what will work best for your children. It may be worth waiting for your first to finish primary and then moving, to minimise disruption.

Apart from that, please dont beat yourself up. We all want the best for our children but sometimes life throws us a curveball. learning how to be resilient, overcome difficulties and adapt to new situations as requested essential skills that many people learn too late. Keep providing love and stability at home, encourage learning outside the classroom and make it fun - these (in my non professional opinion) are the most important thing during the primary years.

Hope it works out. (Also don't be afraid to contact the oversubscribed school in case a place becomes available)

@HowManyDucks thank you x

Schools are such a lottery it seems, and it’s really impossible to know where your dc will thrive/ struggle. I put three options on our forms, didn’t get any even though they were closest. We got option four, which was basically rated inadequate and ‘reopened’ under academy. Dc had three different teachers by May in reception even though the standard of teaching and the new head were quite good. I moved him to my first choice as soon as they had vacancies, because of a particular child who was regularly mean to dc and him not settling too well. And guess what - the school we moved to was rated inadequate and the school we moved from was found to be good in all areas in the next months! The main issue with that was many of the lovely kids were moved out to other schools too. The school had three heads since (one every year, not inspected since) and I am very worried about the standard of education as well as their focus on preventing bullying, even though ok paper they’re doing lots of good things…
However, dc is mostly happy and I don’t really have other options atm. I feel like I made a mistake too, but it is such a lottery and I can’t afford private.

We are looking to move house some time soon, as secondaries not particularly good either. Is that an option for you?

You made the best choice at the time. You didn’t know how your child would manage in school. And there’s no way to know how she would have coped in the other school. I agree if you are doing private for one you should do private for both . Can you afford to keep them in rivate for secondary school. ? That is a crucial time for education more important than primary I would say.

I don’t feel we can continue to secondary. That’s interesting actually as my sister said primary is more important in terms of education than secondary. As she thinks if they have a good start then by secondary they can be in top sets and away from bad behaviour. What do others think? Is primary private better or private secondary?

If they are doing well then I would do all you can to keep them there as long as possible. Is either of them in a position to win a scholarship for senior school?

School isn’t only about academic results - the mental health of the child is very important and it’s worth investing in imo.

What about grammar schools? Do you have any near you?

We too made some bad school decisions early on, and took too long to move DS. So I do understand how it is to be beating yourself up about these things. You don't have hindsight, and you are doing your absolute best for your kids, so keep laying out options until something feels right.

Are you sure there aren't better secondaries perhaps slightly further away that might be a fit? Any chance of scholarship or bursary? How tight is your budget, and any chance of promotions?

What is the obstacle around moving?

Private secondary would be a stretch for us and the secondary schools around here are a bit doubtful (knives, police regularly called to deal with student disturbances, county lines stuff) so we are looking to move before the older one is secondary age. It's tough but I think peer group influences are really important at that age.

Ok , teacher here of 30 years and I can tell you to stop fretting over Ofsted reports
I’ve worked in outstanding schools and requires improvement schools and honestly hardly any Difference.
Ofsted make judgements on tiny details and documents and some schools are better prepared for an inspection than others and some are geniuses at working the system to pass Ofsted criteria with flying colours when in reality they are very average
the safeguarding fail sounds concerning but a new member of staff can whip that into shape in a term so don’t make any judgement on Ofsted alone always base your judgement on how your child is enjoying school and your personal interaction with a school and one ropey year with lots if staff leaving is , in the long term career if your child not going to have a major effect relax and breath! All will be ok in the end 👍

I think you are pre judging these schools based on your experiences at the primary school where there were clearly issues around leadership. If you can't move all you can do is visit, ask questions, get a sense from parents about the schools strengths and weaknesses and choose the best one. You have no idea yet what your kids experiences will be like. They will be separate institutions and no doubt the leaders will be trying to make improvements in the time that your kids are at primary school.

Also in regard to rumours around knives and police being called to school often these incidences are widely dramatised by pupils and the truth is way , way less concerning

I’ve had parents contact me saying a teacher was “stabbed” at my school and all sorts of crazy shite , none of it was any where near the truth

unless your child is directly involved in county lines and drug violence he is very unlikely to be touched by any nonsense such as this

visit the school and see what it’s like during the day and unless you see riots and ambulances it likely to be ok

My DD is at a relatively low cost independent secondary - it's very small and doesn't have the resources that the larger ones do but it's nurturing and has small class sizes and she's happy there. Is there anything like that near you that might be affordable?

Just for future reference, special measures is not the same as requires improvement. Lots of RI schools are actually not too bad in many areas, they might just have poor paperwork around some of their curriculum for example. I'm sorry your child had a bad experience though.

We moved to Australia because i made exactly that mistake and it was easier to correct by going to the other side of the world for a few years than navigating the uk schools system. The children saw the change of schools as an adventure rather than hardship, good stories to tell when we came back for senior school.

Some private primaries have a good track record for getting scholarships at private secondaries (or grammar schools, in areas that still have them).

I know several people whose kids got grammar school places or scholarships to independents after being at private primaries. A former colleague's daughter got a place at Roedean after going to a private primary near Brighton.

We moved house when eldest was in year 5, to be close to a good state secondary. He is now settled in the good state secondary.
We kept them both in the old school until eldest year 6 ended. So a year and a half of driving back and forth.
We at the same time as eldest started at the new secondary, moved youngest, year 3 to the local feeder primary.
This has worked out well as a strategy.could you do something like that?

Thank you all for your advice and support. It’s tough isn’t it. I just wish there was better guidance when choosing a school.

@OneOliveZebra wow Australia! How did that go? What’s the school system like there? I’ve always considered moving out of UK but I’m too scared of change

Another teacher of 30 years and I agree with all this. Outstanding can go to RI in one inspection.

how can you tell if a secondary school is good? I’m really struggling looking in this. The gov website I find very confusing.

Private secondary always - unless in a grammar school area where a lot of children move from private to grammar at 11.

But this doesn’t help because you made the best decision you could at the time, and you can’t afford private secondary so you need to stop seeing this as a mistake and see it as you did what you needed to. It sounds as if state primary wasn’t a possibility so you didn’t actually have a choice. Retrospectively forgetting that and asking which you should have ‘chosen’ is going to make you feel like you’ve done the wrong thing - when really you did the right thing at the time you needed to do it.