I feel I made a mistake re:my kids

[IFeelIMadeMistake]

I feel I made a huge mistake in terms of my kids schools. My eldest went to our local state primary and it was the worst choice I made as there was another primary she would gave gotten into but I stupidly thought closer is better as we can walk. It was awful and got put into special measures (I might have gotten the term wrong: it was “good” ofsted rating to requires improvement)and it failed its safeguarding inspection. Most of the teachers left and it was chaos. My DD hated school and refused to go. I was trying to get her into another school but no spaces. In the end we put her in private when she was in year 2 and she’s still there 3 years later. She loves it and is very happy. Problem is as we put her in private we felt we had to put our youngest in private too. So they both are in there. Myself and DH are professionals and earn well but every penny is going to school and we have very little left at the end. My mum feels we should continue as they are happy. I just feel I made a huge mistake - had I chosen the other primary they both would be happy but the issue is the other primary is oversubscribed so as we didn’t put it as choice 1 for eldest we had no chance.

im thinking just to struggle till they are in y6 then look at state secondary but I feel so lost. The secondary schools are no better and our catchment school results are awful.

I feel really lost in what to do. We are not able to move out to better school catchments

Please can someone offer me advice without attacking me or the usual Mumsnet of kicking someone when they’re already down and asking for advice.

You need to continue private right through! There are kids at my son's school who went to private primary school - were excelling now they're not coping at all in public secondary school.

I think you made the right decision at the time - If I had to pick, I would choose a private primary over secondary - it is more important to get the foundation right. In secondary, they go to top set or you may be able to to get them to a school further out.

its a tough decision and you’ll never know what would’ve happened if you’d got the other school.

write out your options and pros and cons for each and see what feels right. Things to take into consideration are would the money be better used elsewhere if not on school (holidays,tutors), could the children be happy elsewhere for the rest of primary (how long is left)?

other options include: out of area schools with low intake, are there any small villages near you? Flexischooling- have a google of flexischool map /facebook group- even if this isn’t something you’d like to do these schools are often not oversubscribed if they openly support flexi. Academy schools - so not run off catchment area but not private £££. Get yourself on the waiting list for moving to a semi decent school? Home schooling/ reducing work hours/getting a nanny/childminder to accommodate this? I can imagine this would save much but maybe make a dent.

hope you find a solution ❤️

I think the longer you leave them there ,in private,the harder it will be for them when they do have to move .
I'd be biting the bullet and looking round every school you can physically get them to in a morning, including using a childminder before or after school ,if it's a distance away .
A further out school that is linked to a secondary school would be a good option,using childcare untill they were able to travel alone

You visit in the middle of the school day and that is often a good indication

Grammar school
Rent a house in the good catchment and rent out your house in the bad catchment til they both get in
Go to current school with tutors
Somehow increase your earning ability and go private for secondary

You made the right call at time. It's not your fault that it might not be financially sustainable. Is there any chance of applying for a scholarship in secondary? Can you manage secondary until 6th form. Could you move later if you can't now?
Otherwise state school plus private tutoring might be the best bet. With this option you can use the money you save to help with the cost of university.

Have a chat to the bursar at the private school see if you are eligible for a bursary. As long as you don't have a second home/flashy new cars etc they will consider you.

You need to look round the secondaries as you will get a feel. I walked round one and the assistant head held the walkie talkie like his life depended on it. Also there were kids just stood outside classrooms and nobody checked what they were doing out of class in a friendly way - I was primary teacher and if I saw a kid out of class I would smile and ask them what they were up to and they would look shifty and I would help them settle back in class.

not all schools do sets anymore as nobody wants to teach the bottom set as it can be hard work. You have the behaviour kids who are capable but don’t want to work and disrupt for the kids who need support but don’t get it as behaviour is bad. Now many schools distribute behaviour kids so that every class is disturbed in equal measure!

try not to stress over it. A good Headteacher can take a school on that’s in special measures without breaking the staff. If all the staff left after Ofsted it shows the leadership was probably toxic. I’ve worked in some outstanding schools that were awful. I’ve also seen outstanding schools that haven’t been inspected in 13 years!!! They weren’t outstanding anymore.

None of it is your fault, it's just bad luck. The same thing could have happened at a private school. Some of the parents I know from my daughter's year group, initially put their children in one private school, which went bankrupt, moved them to another private school which turned out to be shockingly bad ( KS1 age children left to stand outside the classroom all day for the slightest misdemeanor). These 3 sets of parents then moved their children to my daughter's state primary, where they flourished, and is how I know them. 2 of the children are still in the state system, now in secondary, with my daughter, the 3rd set of parents decided to send their child private for secondary.

Can you apply for a bursary?

Sorry I've just seen it's been mentioned but it's a good idea.

There's no guarantee you'd have got into the other school anyway. And there's no guarantee it would be the right fit for your children either.

I do think it's a bit "the grass isn't always greener" when it comes to schools.

Personally, I'd struggle on for the remainder of primary, then put them into the local secondary (likely to be a huge culture shock though) and then put them with a tutor whenever necessary.

It does annoy me though when people slam "the average secondary". Mine was literally in the middle of a council estate! And I've got a degree and a post-grad qualification! And I know plenty of people from the same school who also went on to have successful professional careers! Off the top of my head, there's at least 5 teachers, 2 doctors, 2 pharmacists, a physiotherapist, a couple of midwifes and multiple business owners. Basically the people who keep the country ticking over.
If your aspirations for your child run towards more hedge fund manager or financial sector, then perhaps private is your vibe. But if you want happy, fulfilled and contributing in a way that helps others, then maybe state is the way.

This

I’m not a parent or a teacher but, from my experience (5 schools between 11 and 19!) although this was a long time ago I would agree that

• schools can change quite quickly owing to things like changes of head and other key staff so opinions of those who taught there or sent children there a while ago may be out of date
• a school which seems “nice” and high-achieving may not be right for your child - I was much more comfortable and happier being one of the higher achievers at schools which had a more mixed ability intake than I was being more one of the crowd at a a higher-achieving school. Also, consider your children’s aptitudes and interests and which school seems to have more to suit them.
• I second those who suggest looking at grammars and bursaries for private secondaries.

To answer your question about whether you’ve made a mistake - no, you’ve made a decision that keeps your DC happy and secure and I would agree with PP who say that providing a good education is one of the most important things you can do for your children.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

You made the best decision you could at the time. I'd try and go by word of mouth re secondary schools. Sometimes a school looks bad on paper but actually it's well suited to a good student.

I fear that those posters who are saying ‘can you get a bursary’ are out of touch with the new economic reality in private schools. They were always for exceptional students who the school really wanted but with the crunch on school fees they are becoming both rarer and lower. So 20-40% rather than 50-80%, if they’re even offered, and school fees for secondary are averaging £20-30,000 pa now. Can you find that sort of money? I think fees went up 22% this year in average - is that sustainable even with a bursary? (I am in this world so have direct experience)

I think you need to rely less on hearsay and go and visit a few secondary schools. Only certain geographical areas have grammars and they represent around 5% of secondary schools. As PPs have said, visit in the day, look through doors, look at results, Progress 8 etc.

I taught in one of the top comprehensive schools in my affluent county - always in the top 5 for results. Yet would constantly hear ‘it’s not what it used to be’ or ‘I had a terrible problem with bullying/behaviour/challenge/teachers/SEN etc etc’. I don’t question that individual experience but the general experience was very good and it produced aspirational highly successful individuals as well as supporting a diverse intake with a range of needs.

You need to research and don’t be fearful - you will find a solution.

If I was in your situation I think I would look to move them to a state primary school if they will be going to a state secondary school. It will give them chance to make friends who they will go to secondary with and to adjust to state school before they go to secondary school.
Secondary school can be a culture shock for any child, I imagine it will be even more of a shock for children coming from a private school.

Approaching that from a different angle.

How many people do you know who make really positive comments about their former employers.

A large number of satisfied parents is a better indicator than a single staff member view.

You did what you thought was best at the time. As PP’s have said. There are no guarantees that the other school would have been better.

Why do you say that moving isn't an option? It might be worth the cost of moving for a good state school for 2 kids. They can travel further to get to secondary, which would give you more options on where to live.

Can you just get them on waiting lists for decent schools in the catchment area for the secondary?

DD left her state primary in 2021 and her handwriting’s rubbish.

Why do you assume that? You’d think a teacher in the state sector would know what she’s talking about. I also know teachers in state who’ve said the same thing, and also a social worker who wouldn’t have her child entering one of the state secondaries near us.

My DC are in their 30s now and went to private schools from the age of 4. How I wish I had considered options for senior schools other than allowing them to continue. I wish we had moved house for better state schools and we may be looking at a more
confortable retirement.