I feel I made a mistake re:my kids

[IFeelIMadeMistake]

I feel I made a huge mistake in terms of my kids schools. My eldest went to our local state primary and it was the worst choice I made as there was another primary she would gave gotten into but I stupidly thought closer is better as we can walk. It was awful and got put into special measures (I might have gotten the term wrong: it was “good” ofsted rating to requires improvement)and it failed its safeguarding inspection. Most of the teachers left and it was chaos. My DD hated school and refused to go. I was trying to get her into another school but no spaces. In the end we put her in private when she was in year 2 and she’s still there 3 years later. She loves it and is very happy. Problem is as we put her in private we felt we had to put our youngest in private too. So they both are in there. Myself and DH are professionals and earn well but every penny is going to school and we have very little left at the end. My mum feels we should continue as they are happy. I just feel I made a huge mistake - had I chosen the other primary they both would be happy but the issue is the other primary is oversubscribed so as we didn’t put it as choice 1 for eldest we had no chance.

im thinking just to struggle till they are in y6 then look at state secondary but I feel so lost. The secondary schools are no better and our catchment school results are awful.

I feel really lost in what to do. We are not able to move out to better school catchments

Please can someone offer me advice without attacking me or the usual Mumsnet of kicking someone when they’re already down and asking for advice.

Go in for a visit on a normal school day if possible as well as attending Open Evenings, you will get a feel for different schools.

Well, we did come back for secondary because that was always the plan we went out on a two year Visa with a two year plan
But what I love about the Australian system is that you’re guaranteed a place in your local school and if that means they have to build another classroom, they build another classroom
So if you move to the more affluent suburbs you get a nicer school experience. It’s so hard to say about the quality of teaching but, There were two English trained teachers at our school, The facilities were great. The surroundings were brilliant and that of course does attract the better teachers hopefully. Or it allows the School to choose between the best options that apply.

Also, the parents tend to be well educated/affluent and are quite influential on the Parental committee, so if there was somebody in there they didn’t like they make their feelings very clear. And have influence.

for me, it just meant that I didn’t lose face moving them out of private and neither did the kids.

My mum always said private primary was more important so they had a good learning base! I think a lot of people might say private secondary as that’s when you sit your exams. The fact is you’ve given your children a lovely, nurturing priMary school experience so you should feel happy and confident about that decision whatever happens next

Visit it and ask around for feedback from people whose kids go there

I think visiting it is the best way :)

...statistics / Ofsted / historical data provide info, but not of what it's like TODAY, or what the vibe is like, or whether it would suit YOUR child.

its a personal choice for all of us, given the restraints of reality, and your child's particular needs, abilities & passions

I'd keep in private for prep if at all possible then look at moving to state. I'd make a list of all secondaries that would be reachable. Then go and get a private visit and/or go to the open evening. They usually have one open evening each year. We did an opening evening and visit for the 2 nearest/best schools (the visits were particularly useful as you get to experience the school environment on a normal day, listen to teachers teaching etc). They actually put us together with another family who also wanted to visit and that was helpful too as the other parents asked some questions I hadn't thought of and we probably did too. You can also ask the school about the likelihood that they'd get in and they should have some stats for that (eg one school had a map showing catchment area at their open evening).

If private prep becomes untenable financially then I'd get your younger DC onto the waiting list for the better state primary and you could move them both at the same time. Also find out what secondary catchment the nice state primary is in as it can help them get in to a different secondary school.

Does their private prep go all the way through to 18? If so, you could enquire about any bursaries for secondary.

I think once you have more info about all the options, it'll be easier to make a decision.

Oh and I don't think you've made a mistake OP. You've just gone for the best option at each point given the tricky circumstances.

You made good decisions, with the information you had. Tbh all you can ever do is make the best decisions that you can, that you can explain the reasons for when your child comes back to you following a therapy session!

As to whether private primary or secondary is more important, imo that depends on the circumstances.

State secondary schools: go and visit. I based my decision (two apparently similar schools) on what I thought of the head teacher. One was a chap with a 'laid back entertainer' vibe that made me put on a cat's bum mouth and slump in my seat. (Also the A-level art class was all female - rang sexist alarm bells for me as ds was good at art). The other was a calm but tough looking woman who talked about responsibilities and success and got older children to speak on stage. I went for the latter. Good choice for ds. Not going to do that MN thing of dropping names but he's definitely been successful and was also pretty happy there.

Look around the network, ask other parents. Sometimes there will be local options you haven't thought of. There's actually a third school I could have looked at but I didn't realise we were theoretically in catchment for it.

You could potentially also look at whether your children could live with relatives near other schools. Obviously an extreme option but sometimes it's good to think through all the possibilities. Or look at state boarding.

I completely agree with this. Everybody always comments on my 23-year-old’s beautiful cursive handwriting that she learned at private school.
She looked like Fred Flintstone carving into a tablet in state reception because nobody was spending any time with her teaching her how to write.

It’s just one of so many skills, Like learning Mandarin from the age of five that has stayed with them for life because it was ingrained from a very early age I think it would be so much harder to pick that up at 11 not impossible of course

You did what was right at that particular time. Your children are happy in school and doing well.

Re secondary - start going round them sooner rather than later, state and private - we started doing tours in around year 4 as we weren’t sure if we might move etc. We did state primary and private secondary, though to be honest,although her primary was lovely, I’m not sure it really prepared her for the academic rigours of a private secondary! So you could well be doing it the right way round,

I went to a really badly rated secondary school and came out with really good grades. I think if a child is bright and has the right home environment, a bad secondary school doesn’t always mean bad outcomes. These are a few points that might be of interest:

• Bad school did not mean bad teachers. A lot of them were super passionate and actually from the surrounding area. When you’re looking at a school talk to as many teachers as possible and choose the school with the most passionate ones.
• Get tutors. It makes the world of difference and it’s cheaper than private school, imo it’s the best bang for your buck. I am also a private tutor so maybe I am biased, but I’ve got a lot of kids from schools that are really bad who excel, and go on to smash it and get scholarships for sixth forms/uni.
• You need to make sure your child is strong willed and won’t be strayed by peer pressure. This is true in general, but if they are going to a “rough” school it’s very important to equip them with these skills to ensure they don’t fall into a bad crowd. Mind you, at uni I met a lot of kids from private school who were total drug taking reprobates as well.
• They don’t get afforded some of the opportunities private school kids do, so try and find ways to combat this. For example I got really good work experience when I was in school through my uncle. If you have connections use your initiative and try and use them to get your child opportunities. Extra curriculars are also a good way to do this.

This is what worked for me and what I would do with my kids if I was you. I genuinely don’t think my “bad” secondary school ever held me back… because I ended up at the same university as kids from really good private schools. I was also very lucky because despite being quite poor I had a mum who was really good at helping me and advocating for me - and the good news is your children have that too!! That’s the most important thing.

Disagree with this – private secondary is of more impact.

You made your choice, OP. I do feel for anyone really wrestling over difficulties with money and best choices for your kids, as it isn't pleasant, but Christ – two kids in private school. Feel thankful you can just about manage it – it's a choice the end of the day and I think you now have to swallow it and not disrupt your children any more.

I dont think it sounds like you've made a mistake at all. You dont know how things would have worked out at the other school. I would personally just keep prioritising their education and pay for private up until 16 or 18.

Good question I see it as v simple :

basically a rough area with have rough behaviour posher area less so

mixed area = mix of both

as for your child’s ability to do well this is nearly always down to your child and their own personality, ambition and drive

bright kids can flop in a top private if they can’t be arsed to work and average kids can excel in a bog standard comp if they are motivated

factors such as enrichment activities , trips and booster classes can be ascertained in the prospectus and by calling the school

bullying and friendships are random and there is no control over those

commute is a significant factor I’d take into account

@IFeelIMadeMistake I would also add that a teachers experience of a school and a child's experience of the same school will be entirely different.

My DH was a teacher for many years and I know his experience of all of the staffing and management difficulties were not felt in general by the children at the school

I can list many faults with state education but can say with confidence that the 7 and 8 year olds I teach have beautiful joined writing that is already better than many adults' writing. You can't 'pass' Y6 writing now without using a fluent, joined style. The curriculum changed in 2015; prior to that there wasn't as much importance placed on handwriting.

This is so true - unless the Ofsted report makes the school sound absolutely terrible and is very recent, there is no way of knowing unless you go to look around.

I went to state school in the 70s and I still have excellent handwriting. If students have dysgraphia or dyspraxia they shouldn’t be taught handwriting at secondary school - laptops should be their normal way of working so they can improve their typing speed by the time they get to GCSEs.

I can’t say I agree there. I have a 14-year-old that’s going to make a cracking GP. Nobody can read a word, He unfortunately had to go to state

I feel you made a decision that at the time was what you felt was for the best and children are both happy which shows it obviously was a good decision however if you are going to be in financial trouble you may have to consider other options for secondary your children might like it just as much.

It could be irrelevant whether he went to state or private - some people just don’t have the motor skills needed for legible handwriting and in an increasingly digital world, they don’t need it.

@LemonTree24

Exactly what happened with my disgraphic son - although his laptop was provided in P4 and he was taught to touch type too.

You said your sister who taught at the local state secondary told you it was was awful. What does she say about other local schools? I'm asking because there's a school my friend taught at that is very well regarded in the community, but she said it's awful. On closer questioning she says over my dead body will her kids go to any of the state secondary schools around here! She wants them to go to grammar or on scholarships to private. So I think that her comments are a her thing. And not necessarily indicative of the school.

Listen to your sister of course as she has inside info, but I would suggest to form your own view as well.

It is hard to tell what schools are like, I do sympathise, I'm having this problem myself. Listening to all the opinions and reading everything you can find. I find people say trust your gut but mine isn't telling me anything?! Schools seem like schools to me!

Keep your children in private if you possibly can. It’s absolutely the best investment you can make for them. Failing that find a grammar school and try and get them into it. I have taught at ‘outstanding’ state secondary schools that have been horrific!
Never entertain a school that will not allow you to visit during a normal teaching day. Open days are not truly representative.

Not all schools set, especially in KS3. Not all schools set all the subjects when they do set.

Keep that in mind.