I feel I made a mistake re:my kids

[IFeelIMadeMistake]

I feel I made a huge mistake in terms of my kids schools. My eldest went to our local state primary and it was the worst choice I made as there was another primary she would gave gotten into but I stupidly thought closer is better as we can walk. It was awful and got put into special measures (I might have gotten the term wrong: it was “good” ofsted rating to requires improvement)and it failed its safeguarding inspection. Most of the teachers left and it was chaos. My DD hated school and refused to go. I was trying to get her into another school but no spaces. In the end we put her in private when she was in year 2 and she’s still there 3 years later. She loves it and is very happy. Problem is as we put her in private we felt we had to put our youngest in private too. So they both are in there. Myself and DH are professionals and earn well but every penny is going to school and we have very little left at the end. My mum feels we should continue as they are happy. I just feel I made a huge mistake - had I chosen the other primary they both would be happy but the issue is the other primary is oversubscribed so as we didn’t put it as choice 1 for eldest we had no chance.

im thinking just to struggle till they are in y6 then look at state secondary but I feel so lost. The secondary schools are no better and our catchment school results are awful.

I feel really lost in what to do. We are not able to move out to better school catchments

Please can someone offer me advice without attacking me or the usual Mumsnet of kicking someone when they’re already down and asking for advice.

She knows what she's talking about but it's not like she's saying this one school is particularly worse than another one iyswim - she seems to think all state schools in the county are crap. She could be right, but my kids have to go somewhere! So for my purposes I might as well ignore her.

Maybe they are. Maybe she can see the colossal cracks in the system, the lack of funding, demoralised staff etc etc.

Its funny that on MN we have loads of threads where parents say state is great - and loads of threads where teachers let loose on how bad things are in the sector. Doesn’t mean they’re not good teachers, doesn’t mean some kids won’t do just fine.

I went to a small private primary and then a big state secondary and I have to say it was a huge culture shock. I was slightly ahead of many of the kids when I arrived but that advantage definitely waned very quickly.

Its going to be tough for your kids but I would pay a visit to the secondary. See if you can get an appointment with the head or senior staff member and ask them about the school to get a feel for it and whether your children would fit in there... My parents went to 2 local secondary state schools and spoke to the heads who showed them around and gave them more information about the school and its ethos etc..

Not sure about your area, but there are plenty of schools who aren’t technically grammar schools but have entrance exams and take a certain % of their intake based on these. It then doesn’t matter if you’re in the catchment, they just have to do better than the other kids in the exam. Worth checking the schools in the next county along (providing they/you can get them there and back every day)

There's some great advice on here, esp from teachers, and I don't have anything to add from a practical PoV. But I would just say OP that, if you do send DDs to the local state school, try to not to be generally down on it, or go into hand-wringing mode whenever they have a bad day. They'll quickly pick up on the fact that you don't respect the school, and feel anxious and guilty about sending them there.

Not only will this not help DDs in their school lives, it could turn into something they use against you ("Don't tell me to try harder - you sent me to this s* school in the first place!") Try to stay positive, get involved, get tutors if necessary, keep expectations high.

There's bullying, poor pastoral care and mental health red flags in all types of school. The body-shaming at a private school a friend sent her DD too was awful. My DC went to a state secondary in a not particularly naice bit of London and it was the making of them. They've kept a really close set of friends and are comfortable with many different types of people, which has been enormously helpful in their professional lives.

You've given your kids a fantastic grounding, and now it's over to them to make the most of it (not that I'd phrase like that to them of course!) If they're thoroughly miserable and falling behind, then a rethink might be necessary. But give the school a chance, and don't put too much store by the 'optics'.

I'd ignore Ofsted etc. If your children are well supported at home, enthusiastic and hard working, they'll get food results in most settings. In the meantime, to prepare for making a decision on secondary school, get into the schools. Yes, on Open Days etc. but more importantly, in my opinion, go along to other events that are less about selling the school - the play, music concert etc. if they have one, any fête or similar. You'll get a good feeling for a school by being in it that will tell you far more than a snapshot from an inspection when everyone has worked 24/7 to prepare for. Good luck. For what it's worth, my kids are in a very well regarded state comprehensive and I am very unimpressed with it. They're doing okay though.

You said in one of your posts that a better start will get them into top sets where the kids are better behaved. I hated school with a passion and ended up dropped a set for science. It actually worked out better, the teachers were more engaging and I learned far more in a few months, then I moved back to my original set, was stuck with a boring teacher and hated it and consequently didn’t do as well as I should have. I appreciate that’s probably a one off experience but it’s mine. My son is about to start primary and because of the costs of private we are hoping to be able to look at tutoring to get a better secondary school as that’s where it went wrong for me. I was fully capable but totally bored with it all and got worse the longer I was there. Ask on local Facebook groups for parent opinions, check websites and things. If it’s about a school someone will always have an opinion.

Massive sympathy here, we are in a vaguely similar position. I think number 1, you did the best you could for your children at the time, which is admirable, and you're still doing that. Is there a reason you can't move at all? Or rent your house out and rent in a better catchment area (then move back home at a later date - yes a bit underhand).
I think you need to visit the schools - we moved to an area with a great secondaey a walk away, we started looking round this year and really didn't like our Oustanding ofstead, everyone loves it, secondary school (sons in yr5 now). It felt rigid, rules for rules sake and huge but gets amazing academic results. So we looked at private, and some also feel rigid, obsessed with sports and the school days are very long (one even included a Saturday morning) - that also didn't feel good for our academic and introverted son. So now we feel a bit stuck! I think weve found a (bluntly less prestigious) private sepndary that is just small and nice, and less of a hot house, but then are we paying the same for less maybe and will the academics be as good?.... it's hard! But honestly, go round them, do open days, ask parents, visit ones you'd never consider - because it'll depend on your children and the best fit for them, see how they feel and what matters to them, how social are they, how sporty/drama-y, art-y, academic etc.

Loads of people do private school sandwiches. Private prep then state secondary or grammar then private 6th form. Or the other way round.
Plus you'll have extra cash which you can use on extras if they move back to state. Like music or art or sports clubs etc

Can grandparents, great aunts/uncles help with the cost in any way? Eg: monetary gifts for birthday/Christmas go towards school fees?

Would it be cheaper to hire a nanny-governess to educate the kids at home? Taking into account educational outings, home education Co-ops & tutors for subjects the nanny/governess won’t cover eg ceramics/musical instrument/Chinese so on.

I think you need to look again at moving, you're financial situation sounds too precarious. If you can think about moving to Austraila, you can think about moving somewhere within a 40 minute drive of a decent state school while being doable for work. That's a very big catchment area.

No I’m not thinking of moving to Australia lol! 😂 I was responding to a poster to said they did that.

Don’t write off the Ofsted ‘good’ secondary. I’m in an area where we were limited with options and lots of friends didn’t even consider the state comp near us and went the private route instead because they’d heard bad things about the comprehensive. We went and looked at it and were impressed. Both kids have thrived academically. The teaching has been amazing. Maybe we just got lucky but I still hear awful things said about the school by people who have little/no connection to it and I’m baffled because that hasn’t been our experience.

Bluntly, 2 children at even a fairly inexpensive private school is £30,000 a year, for seven years on the trot, before you start paying for extras. If Christmas presents from family could make a serious dent in that, you're in a different league.

They’ll get a brilliant grounding in private primary which will prepare them well for state secondary. Top up with tutoring if required

We took the.opposite approach and kept our 4dc in state primary before moving them to a private secondary. The primary schools in our small town are not great and I have had dc in all 4! I did feel that I was able to supplement their education at primary level in a way I wouldn't have been able to at secondary. Saying that the top sets are normally less disruptive at state schools. Private secondary schools are more expensive but bursaries may be available from year 7.

@theresnolimits I'm so pleased my dd3 is in y12 and we have only one year left in private education. She has always had a 100 % bursary but I'm not sure if they are still available for new starters. Very difficult times for private schools - ours was prepared for the VAT but not the higher NI contributions.

We’re in private primary and will do state secondary. I work at my children’s school but even with staff fee remission with three children the costs of secondary private are out of our league. I have been teaching for 20 years in all sorts of schools and am happy with this situation. The differences between private and state at primary are, in my view, far more beneficial at primary age and they are well set up for the move when it comes. Go to some open events for your local state secondary schools and see which you get the best feel for.

@ibeka thats a good approach that’s exactly how I feel too.

The problem in finding with state schools for example is I researched one near us which we can definitely get into it’s 11-18. The results on .gov website are not very good. I think it was something like only 53% get the A-C equivalent. But I’ve spoken to some locals and they think it’s a fantastic school and one of them their eldest is going Cambridge uni from doing A’levels at this school. I’m just really confused

I wouldn't worry about this - I worked in a school that had low A-C results, but was actually a fantastic school. The low A-C results was caused by a catholic school in the next town which creamed off the high IQ kids. However, in every year group there were a handful of very high flyers and we had a number of children get into Oxford while I was there. The teaching was excellent for all ability levels

When you look af school results - you need to look at value added - this tells you if children make progress from the level they started at age 11. A non-selective state school is never going to get 98% grades 7-9 or whatever as you find at some private schools as they don't select on academic ability. That doesn't mean there won't be individual children who don't get all top grades.

Thank you really good advice regarding the grades. What else should I be looking at? Value added I never knew what that meant truthfully! I feel like I’m failing my child by not even knowing what everything on the league table means