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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anxiety with Forgiving a Cheater?

79 replies

MrsSorryNotSorry · 14/05/2025 19:08

I recently found out my partner has been cheating with somebody at work. Bit of context - the affair started when our LO was 4 weeks old. I was going through severe postnatal depression. 1 week after our LO was born, my dad was unexpectedly diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and was given weeks to live, he died 6 weeks later. He died at 4:30am of the morning, I came home after sorting the undertakers absolutely beside myside and he gave me our baby, went out on a night out and came back at 3pm the next afternoon. I've since found out he stayed in a hotel room with this girl. He also received a load of my dad's designer tops from my mom, he slept with her in them and I've hidden them at a back of a cupboard unable to look at them knowing she's been all over them.

When I found out, it was 2 days before my dad's funeral (beginning of April) I confronted the girl and she showed me a text message that was sent from him saying he wanted to marry her, and he'd been in love with her for 2 years (we have been together for just over that) and that I meant nothing to him.

She left him there and then. I've since tried to make things work (stupidly) for our baby. However it's left deep mental scars where I blame myself heavily, and my anxiety is through the roof everyday which I'm desperately trying to shield from him as I don't want to ruin the relationship.

He's just gone out to play golf with his friend, I noted it was the same time he would go out and meet her. I also saw that he was wearing the same polo top he "went to paint his friend's hall way" in. I remember it as I was desperately searching for specks of paint to prove to myself he was where he said he was and all I could smell was her perfume. It's set the anxiety rolling and bought a lot of things back.

I started to get anxious, teary and left the room. He's got annoyed with me saying he can't do anything, that he can't go as all I will do is message him (never has happened before) and that he feels like he's going mental with me. I've virtually begged him to go and apologised through my teeth. He's left but I know this has put a dent in things.

I'm trying my best to move forward and forgive everything that's happened. AIBU for getting anxious still?

OP posts:

AlertCat · 14/05/2025 19:11

YABU for not kicking him out on his ear. What an absolute disgrace he is. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and very sorry for your loss. Your partner should have been there supporting you with your bereavement and your new baby, not out chasing tail.

MrsPlantagenet · 14/05/2025 19:12

So, he had an affair when you’d just had a baby, had PND AND your dad died? What a horrible excuse for a man.

Why on earth would you want to forgive him?

Hayley1256 · 14/05/2025 19:13

You need to leave, tour baby needs a happy mum not 2 unhappy parents

outerspacepotato · 14/05/2025 19:15

He should be doing everything he can to show you he regrets what he did but he's playing the victim when you get triggered.

I'm sorry you went through such difficult times.

I consider a lot of cheating a form of domestic abuse. The partner is lying, there's gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse, exposing the other partner to different flora and possible stis from the affair partner, and when it comes out, it is extremely traumatic to the person who's been cheated on.

He sounds like he has no remorse and faced no consequences other than now you're traumatized from his actions and poor baby, he has to deal with you getting triggered.

He's a Grade A Asshat.

How can you forgive when he doesn't seem to give a shit about the trauma he caused you when you had so much else going on?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/05/2025 19:17

He sounds like the absolute dregs. You might find the Surviving Infidelity website helpful.

foreverblowingbubbless · 14/05/2025 19:17

Just ask him to leave. Why face a lifetime of this crap?

Idontcareanymore · 14/05/2025 19:19

It's just so sad that you would even consider " forgiving" a man who thinks it's reasonable to have sex eith another women when his partner has just given birth to his child. And who is grieving the terminal illness and death of her father
Honestly OP you are worth so much better than this low life scum.

BakelikeBertha · 14/05/2025 19:20

I'm afraid I too voted you are being unreasonable OP, but only because you accepted him cheating in the first place, and gave him another chance, after he cheated on you when you had only just given birth. He then continued with his affair, while you were in the process of adjusting to new motherhood, AND the fact that your poor Dad was about to pass away. He is the absolute scum of the earth to treat you like that OP, and he doesn't deserve you, or his child. What an absolute BASTARD he is!! Kick him out, and don't look back, he's not good partner or father material, and the sooner you face up to this the better. If you don't feel you can cope alone, would it be possible to go home to Mum for a while? Please don't continue to accept his cheating and his lies, you're worth more than that.

stargirl1701 · 14/05/2025 19:20

Just leave, OP. You are worth more.

Praying4Peace · 14/05/2025 19:23

He has caused so much damage and behaved despicably. You will constantly be tortured if you stay in the relationship.
You need to separate and start to heal

Endofyear · 14/05/2025 19:26

You poor love, what you have been going through is intolerable. I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad.

I understand your wanting to cling to your marriage, it's scary to imagine how your life would be as a single parent. But I promise you, it would not be worse than what you're enduring now. You are with a man who has cheated when you needed him most and told his affair partner that you mean nothing to him. This is so hurtful, so cruel and so uncaring, I think it's unforgivable. If you stay, you will have a lifetime of anxiety, depression and doubting yourself. That is until he leaves you for someone else.

You need to believe that you deserve better than this. You deserve better than him. He's a horrible man. You deserve someone who is kind and loving and appreciates you for who you are.

Please do think about leaving. Get support from your friends and your family. Taking the first step is scary but there is light at the end of the tunnel for you - and happy and peaceful life. Look after yourself lovely 💐

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 14/05/2025 19:35

Why are you wasting your life on this shitstain of a man? You deserve better. Find your anger and get rid. Being alone is far better than being with someone who has no respect for you, treats you like crap, makes you miserable and isn’t remotely sorry about it.

MightAsWellBeGretel · 14/05/2025 19:40

OP, your anxiety is trying to tell you what you don't want to acknowledge: that taking this shitty excuse for a human being back was wrong.

yeesh · 14/05/2025 19:44

You are anxious because of his behaviour. He is a piece of shit and if he cared at all about you he would be doing everything he could to prove himself to you. Getting back with him was a mistake, you will never be able to trust him. Leave and let your daughter grow up in a happy house with a happy mum x

Libby360 · 14/05/2025 19:46

This is so sad OP, it's no way to live your life. Could you go and stay with family for a while, you need some love and looking after away from this horrible man.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/05/2025 19:50

Oh op, I’m so sorry. Sorry you are going through this, and sorry your husband is a disgusting cheater. He has behaved way too badly to deserve forgiveness (IMO). I think you need space to reflect and think about the future. I do think you should get rid of this unpleasant man (I would, and did) but you need to come to the right conclusion for you.

savethatkitty · 14/05/2025 19:50

Oh sweetheart, the pain of his betrayal is still fresh, still raw. Of course you are going to feel anxious (plus a thousand other horrid emotions). When my DH cheated, it caused me PTSD.

What you are feeling/experiencing is to be expected.

I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't really sound like your (twat) man is trying to make amends. He should be bending over backwards to make you feel secure.

I don't think he's a good guy or a keeper (sorry).

AutumnChild99 · 14/05/2025 19:54

Absolutely disgusting behaviour. Do you want your child to grow up with a father like this in the home? You and your child deserve much better. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

QueenCremant · 14/05/2025 19:57

The only way you should consider staying with him is if he’s truly remorseful and does everything in his power to earn back your trust. Even then it’s really difficult and I couldn’t manage it as like you, the anxiety is always there.

Im really sorry but this relationship is over. It will not bring you happiness. You will end up an anxious mess and resent him.

Get angry. Kick him out. Claim every penny you are entitled to from him. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it for your self esteem and sanity.

Original poster

MrsSorryNotSorry · 14/05/2025 20:01

Thank you for all of the replies so far, it's been very helpful. I think I minimise everything in my head a lot to try and forgive him. However typing it out and seeing how awful it was makes me feel justified in how I'm feeling.

OP posts:

notimeforregrets · 14/05/2025 20:03

I voted YABU for staying. Get a plan and get out.

BakelikeBertha · 14/05/2025 20:03

There is NO WAY in which you should minimise this OP, it is completely unacceptable behaviour from a man who is supposed to love you! Find your anger, he's not entitled to behave like this, even if HE thinks he is. Get rid of him, and the sooner the better, as the longer you let him stay, the more it will affect your mental wellbeing and self esteem!

pinkyredrose · 14/05/2025 20:07

He's a disrespectful arsehole even without the cheating. Please chuck him out, you can't trust him.

No wonder you've got anxiety, i bet you'd feel a lot calmer without him around.

nam3c4ang3 · 14/05/2025 20:07

Your poor child - this is what they will think is normal behaviour from their own father. OP - leave him, and i dont say that lightly at all. If you were your daughter, what advice would you give her if you found out this is what her husband did to her?

UnhappyHobbit · 14/05/2025 20:12

OP perhaps your anxiety is really your intuition screaming at you that this man is not to be trusted. His behaviour has spoken volumes. He didn’t care for you while you were at your lowest and left you to have sex with a woman in a hotel. No one would blame you for not forgiving him

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