Anxiety with Forgiving a Cheater?

[MrsSorryNotSorry]

I recently found out my partner has been cheating with somebody at work. Bit of context - the affair started when our LO was 4 weeks old. I was going through severe postnatal depression. 1 week after our LO was born, my dad was unexpectedly diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and was given weeks to live, he died 6 weeks later. He died at 4:30am of the morning, I came home after sorting the undertakers absolutely beside myside and he gave me our baby, went out on a night out and came back at 3pm the next afternoon. I've since found out he stayed in a hotel room with this girl. He also received a load of my dad's designer tops from my mom, he slept with her in them and I've hidden them at a back of a cupboard unable to look at them knowing she's been all over them.

When I found out, it was 2 days before my dad's funeral (beginning of April) I confronted the girl and she showed me a text message that was sent from him saying he wanted to marry her, and he'd been in love with her for 2 years (we have been together for just over that) and that I meant nothing to him.

She left him there and then. I've since tried to make things work (stupidly) for our baby. However it's left deep mental scars where I blame myself heavily, and my anxiety is through the roof everyday which I'm desperately trying to shield from him as I don't want to ruin the relationship.

He's just gone out to play golf with his friend, I noted it was the same time he would go out and meet her. I also saw that he was wearing the same polo top he "went to paint his friend's hall way" in. I remember it as I was desperately searching for specks of paint to prove to myself he was where he said he was and all I could smell was her perfume. It's set the anxiety rolling and bought a lot of things back.

I started to get anxious, teary and left the room. He's got annoyed with me saying he can't do anything, that he can't go as all I will do is message him (never has happened before) and that he feels like he's going mental with me. I've virtually begged him to go and apologised through my teeth. He's left but I know this has put a dent in things.

I'm trying my best to move forward and forgive everything that's happened. AIBU for getting anxious still?

He's an embarrassment to men, tbh. Kick him out.

Oh gosh - you poor thing. Time for you to ditch this nitwit. Staying with a serial philanderer who has been carrying on a dual relationship with another person throughout your relationship with him is never going to work. Ever.
Is it difficult being single and raising a child? Sure. Is it far more difficult to constantly have to worry about where you partner has been poking his pecker? Yes - a million times yes. You cannot trust this guy - and trust is key to a successful and happy relationship.

I'm doing ok thanks. Just trying to take some time to get my head in the right space to decide if staying with him is the right option. The anxiety is really bad and he doesn't seem to understand why. There are more little white lies coming out the woodwork everyday that seem irrelevant but it all adds up to the bigger picture of me trusting him.

I think (from experience) that you are anxious because he’s toxic, and your nervous system knows this. He isn’t a safe person for you and he won’t be an emotionally safe person for your children either. Leaving him would bring different challenges, but would give you far more control over your life and your own emotional security and wellbeing.