Anxiety with Forgiving a Cheater?

[MrsSorryNotSorry]

I recently found out my partner has been cheating with somebody at work. Bit of context - the affair started when our LO was 4 weeks old. I was going through severe postnatal depression. 1 week after our LO was born, my dad was unexpectedly diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and was given weeks to live, he died 6 weeks later. He died at 4:30am of the morning, I came home after sorting the undertakers absolutely beside myside and he gave me our baby, went out on a night out and came back at 3pm the next afternoon. I've since found out he stayed in a hotel room with this girl. He also received a load of my dad's designer tops from my mom, he slept with her in them and I've hidden them at a back of a cupboard unable to look at them knowing she's been all over them.

When I found out, it was 2 days before my dad's funeral (beginning of April) I confronted the girl and she showed me a text message that was sent from him saying he wanted to marry her, and he'd been in love with her for 2 years (we have been together for just over that) and that I meant nothing to him.

She left him there and then. I've since tried to make things work (stupidly) for our baby. However it's left deep mental scars where I blame myself heavily, and my anxiety is through the roof everyday which I'm desperately trying to shield from him as I don't want to ruin the relationship.

He's just gone out to play golf with his friend, I noted it was the same time he would go out and meet her. I also saw that he was wearing the same polo top he "went to paint his friend's hall way" in. I remember it as I was desperately searching for specks of paint to prove to myself he was where he said he was and all I could smell was her perfume. It's set the anxiety rolling and bought a lot of things back.

I started to get anxious, teary and left the room. He's got annoyed with me saying he can't do anything, that he can't go as all I will do is message him (never has happened before) and that he feels like he's going mental with me. I've virtually begged him to go and apologised through my teeth. He's left but I know this has put a dent in things.

I'm trying my best to move forward and forgive everything that's happened. AIBU for getting anxious still?

This will never work. You’ll drive yourself insane and become a shell of what you were. Please find some strength. It’s broken & it cannot be fixed. No amount of you trying will fix this. Sorry op. Find your worth. You can do so much better and you WILL be happy.

Oh, and study narcissist personality cos you got one right there and you’ll need to know how to protect yourself. Man even blame shifts (what it’s called)

Don’t tell him you know. Quietly get out of there. There’s no reasoning with one, and he will know exactly where your weaknesses are because he has trained you to be abused.

Read up.

You’re very justified. You have been with a very mentally unwell person and that’s why you’re confused. If you stay long enough you become unwell yourself (narcissistic fleas)

They’re pro at minimising what they’ve done and have been doing it since childhood.

So sorry you’re going through this.

Yabu to be with him. You may as well have a sign saying kick me. While he's out, pack his stuff and leave it on the doorstep. You and your dc deserve better, the anxiety will go once you take charge of your future.

This man will drain you of happiness now and always. He's not even your friend. God, run a bloody mile and keep on running.

You deserve to be happy and your baby deserves a happy mother. You both deserve better, you know what you need to do. Be strong.

Sending you a massive virtual hug and 💐

I was thinking more to cut his bits off actually!😂

Sending you a hug. He sounds absolutely awful. I am so sorry he has treated you so awfully and had the audacity to make out that any of this is anything other than his shitty behaviour.

This man is destroying your life and has destroyed your mental health. You are depressed. Speak to your GP. Kick him out. Have some respect for yourself OP - this is horrific. Your kid deserves better and so do you and so does the memory of your father. You must leave this man. You MUST leave him. You should have left him already and then you would have been over him by now. Please. Leave.

I think he will do this to try and bully you, but make it hard for him and he may well lose interest. Don’t let him take the baby anywhere- he must meet you somewhere and you should make sure you have someone with you to enforce the rule. Make him work and spend money taking you to court.

But do get legal advice first. Www.rightsofwomen.org.Uk offer free, legally qualified advice. Women’s Aid might also help, because I do think his behaviour is abusive.

Good luck.

Thank you all for your insightful comments.

I had gynaecological cancer a few years ago before I met him that I was in remission for. I've now had a doctors appointment who suspect it has come back and I'm going for biopsies and scans. Before my BMI was over 35 which they said was more than likely a contributing factor. I can only think that this has come back through stress.

My world feels like it's crumbling again. I don't feel like I can even show any emotion towards how this is affecting me due to it pushing him away. Not having a very good day at all today.

Please leave him. He’s absolute scum. I’m so sorry this is all happening to you.

Please leave him. He doesn’t deserve you.

Oh OP what an upsetting update. You really
are going through it.

But you must sort this out. The situation with your partner is so alarming.

What support do you have IRL?

My mom has cut me off as I’ve stuck by him. Everybody else was his family but I think they were aware of the affair so I’ve had to cut them off for my own sanity. I’ve got a few friends but no practical support with the baby that I’m receiving from OH.

I’m on antipsychotic medication for my anxiety that I can’t take because of how drowsy it makes me of a night and I need to get up with the baby. I’ve asked OH to start stopping over more so that I can take it (which I thought would be a given as he’s caused all of this)

His response was basically I need to find a new medication. Said ‘so you’re saying I’ve got to be there all the time’ along with ‘nothing I do is effing good enough for you’ so I’ve hung up.

Currently sat breaking down in a car park.

Please tell us you're leaving him? Call your mum, she may be able to help you.

Totally agree - reaching out to your mum might be worth doing.

Do you live with your partner OP?

You are going to continue to feel worse and worse the longer you stay with him.

There's no getting past the enormity of this betrayal.

Please try to reach out to your mum and get her help to leave him.

You need to run for the fucking hills love, you CANNOT live the rest of your life like this constantly wondering where or who he’s with, your child will grow up and think this kind of bullshittery and belittlement is acceptable
what a fucking dreadful human he is!
I’m sorry for your loss, you really have had it all thrown at you at once haven’t you! 💐

Your anxiety is telling you that this man and this situation is not making you happy. It's the emotion that's triggered when there is something that is too important to ignore.

Your anxiety is dead right.

I don’t agree with what your DM has done, but I’m wondering whether she hoped it would shock you into dumping this cheating scum bag? Because that is what he is, and you need to dump him as soon as possible.

Get some advice on the custody issue. would he really pursue 50/50? Sounds unlikely.

If you think he will, then I’d act smart. Stop letting him know what terrifies or upsets you and turn it around. Tell him he will need to step up for 50/50 because you intend to have time to move on with your life. He will probably then have no intention of pursuing 50/50.

Just reading your post made me feel anxious so ofcourse you're not being unreasonable. This is pure gaslighting on his side. First he cheats on you during the worst period in your life and then you're not allowed to have any feelings. He's vile. Really, a disgusting human being. You need to stay far away from him because he will always make you anxious simply because you're not safe with him. You will feel safer on your own just surrounding yourself with good people who have your best interest at heart.

Are you currently in therapy? I imagine noone would prescribe antipsychotics for "only" anxiety so I hope you have a MH professionnal to talk to?

Anyway, no good will come from him. You deserve someone who respects you and love you and he does neither.

Please OP, call your Mum. I feel sure that if she cut you off because you didn't leave him, and you ring her and tell her that you want rid of him now and ask for her support, she will be there for you.

In the meantime, please can you clarify something for me? You say that ' I’ve asked OH to start stopping over more', is he not currently living with you, as if this is the case, then I'm confused as to what the problem really is, and also why you would want him to come over MORE???

OP how are you?