Anxiety with Forgiving a Cheater?

[MrsSorryNotSorry]

I recently found out my partner has been cheating with somebody at work. Bit of context - the affair started when our LO was 4 weeks old. I was going through severe postnatal depression. 1 week after our LO was born, my dad was unexpectedly diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and was given weeks to live, he died 6 weeks later. He died at 4:30am of the morning, I came home after sorting the undertakers absolutely beside myside and he gave me our baby, went out on a night out and came back at 3pm the next afternoon. I've since found out he stayed in a hotel room with this girl. He also received a load of my dad's designer tops from my mom, he slept with her in them and I've hidden them at a back of a cupboard unable to look at them knowing she's been all over them.

When I found out, it was 2 days before my dad's funeral (beginning of April) I confronted the girl and she showed me a text message that was sent from him saying he wanted to marry her, and he'd been in love with her for 2 years (we have been together for just over that) and that I meant nothing to him.

She left him there and then. I've since tried to make things work (stupidly) for our baby. However it's left deep mental scars where I blame myself heavily, and my anxiety is through the roof everyday which I'm desperately trying to shield from him as I don't want to ruin the relationship.

He's just gone out to play golf with his friend, I noted it was the same time he would go out and meet her. I also saw that he was wearing the same polo top he "went to paint his friend's hall way" in. I remember it as I was desperately searching for specks of paint to prove to myself he was where he said he was and all I could smell was her perfume. It's set the anxiety rolling and bought a lot of things back.

I started to get anxious, teary and left the room. He's got annoyed with me saying he can't do anything, that he can't go as all I will do is message him (never has happened before) and that he feels like he's going mental with me. I've virtually begged him to go and apologised through my teeth. He's left but I know this has put a dent in things.

I'm trying my best to move forward and forgive everything that's happened. AIBU for getting anxious still?

I was in your situation almost exactly, except it was my mum I lost and my baby was sixth months. I know exactly why you feel you would do anything to keep him because you’re drowning and he is both the one who pushed you in and the one with the life raft. But please, years from now if you stay the emotions and hormones will have settled, and all you will feel is anger and resentment. You will probably have had more kids and it will be so much harder to leave. Do your pride, self esteem and your gorgeous baby the best favour ever and kick him out. You deserve so much better and you will be able to look yourself and your little one in the eyes and say you did the best for both of you. I am so sorry xxx

I'm so sorry you went through this also. It's heartbreaking, I feel like I'm driving myself mad every night replaying everything over, some memories are a lot more triggering than others. I can't even think about my poor dad as the whole situation just keeps jumping up in my head. How are you holding up now if you don't mind me asking? Thank you for your kind words x

It’s inevitable that you’re going to split up. Do yourself a favour and get it over and done with asap

I’m really sorry you are going through this now. This was 15 years ago for me and I’m still married to him but I still have flashbacks, the marriage is really hard and I haven’t been really able to forget or actually trust- even though he has tried really hard (on and off) all this time. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t take him back. My eldest wouldn’t have known any different but now they love their dad and I can’t leave because there’s never a right time when it wouldn’t be so bad for the kids.

Jesus Christ is this real? The depths of this deceit is truly appalling.

Congratulations on your baby. Build a wonderful new life with your little one and don’t waste another moment with this idiot. Things will get so much better.

What are your options, OP, in terms of practically splitting up? Living situation etc?

Many condolences on your loss.

I really wish it wasn't real. It's a living nightmare for me at the moment that I can't escape from.

Practically, other than my son it is easy. I have my own house, career and can financially support myself. Main reason I am desperate to try and make things work is because I have bad separation anxiety and he was going through mediation to get 50/50 custody of our (then) 10 week old and it petrified me.

It wouldn't be so bad if he showed some remorse. All I've had is a "sorry" and even that I had to beg for.

Bless you, I'm so sorry but well done to you for trying your best to make things work.
It's really insightful hearing from somebody who's been through similar as (thankfully) there's not many of us who have experienced something so cruel. It's definitely something I'm going to think about.

I’m so angry for you reading this. What an utter piece of shit this man is. You really are better off without him, you CAN’T trust him because he WILL do this again . Fucking scum bag .

Ok. So speak to a solicitor as soon as you can.

In the meantime, change the locks. Then apply for child maintenance.

I started stuff rolling before. I begged him not to do mediation as the thought of a letter coming to my house would tip me over and he still did it, despite me already coming to an arrangement that he was happy with. I called the mediation company in hysterics begging them not to send any post out and that I wasn't in the right place to do it. I'm guessing that means they can issue a C100?

I had to laugh, whilst reading the last few messages, an advert popped up showing a pair of kitchen scissors - I wonder if they were trying to tell you something OP? 😂

Sorry, just a little something to lighten the mood!

Hahaha! What, to cut ties or to stick them where the sun doesn't shine 😉

Oh OP.

I really can understand how you’re feeling. I went through something similar. Discovered my ex-DH was cheating on me when our twins (who were born premature and were in NICU for weeks after giving birth), were 6 weeks old. I was in the depths of PND along with trying to focus on being a Mum and battling the tiredness etc that comes with the territory of being a new Mum whilst his life remained largely unchanged. I didn’t have to deal with the loss of a parent too, so I can only imagine your pain.

I took him back, like you, the apology felt forced and it was as if I had to just “accept it and move on”. I tried my best to, but my anxiety was through the roof and resentment built.

A few months down the line I found out he was upto no good again. There was no coming back from that.

I don’t judge anyone who would take a partner back when their children are so young, but I knew it would be a death by a thousand cuts and I would sooner be tired, poor and grieving the loss of my marriage… than to be raising my children watching me drive myself crazy with anxiety.

Im a few years down the line now, and life looks completely different, it’s not the one I imagined but I am happy and I know my children are too.

Speak to a family solicitor (many offer 30 mins free) and get some advice. Reach out to trusted friends/family and sources of support who will keep you strong on the days you don’t feel it. Know that you are worth so so much more.

The way you're feeling is completely normal and understandable under the circumstances. You're trying to stick out a situation which you know deep down is wrong, and until you can get your "insides to match your outsides" you'll feel like shit.

This is not doing your baby any favours. You could stick this out until they're five and he will still be a cheating stain of a man who has no regard or care for you whatsoever. Your child will be watching him treat you this way.

Don't let that happen. Get him gone and and work with what you've got, things will get much better when you're not contorting yourself into shapes for him and trying to pretend everything is ok.

There’s something wrong with him to make him able to do that to you. He’s a scumbag. I don’t think I could ever forgive that.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. My husband cheated on my when my child was 2. I forgave him but he’s done it again 14 years later. My advice is to leave now. I wish I had done the first time

YABU for not listening to your anxiety which is screaming at you to tell you that you are not safe. This man is unfortunately a scumbag and you deserve so much better. Your body knows it; listen to it.

Leave. This will not get better.

Op do you have self esteem issues? He has treated you horrendously and you deserve better. Please listen to your gut, which is clearly telling you not to forgive the loser, and move on living a happier life without him, perhaps giving yourself the opportunity to meet someone who is actually worthy of you.

I just am so sorry reading this… I can’t believe you lost your dad so suddenly and had a baby, and depression, all at once. You are going through immense grief. Even without ‘his’ actions, what has happened to you is so difficult. The things he has done to you is just shocking and traumatising. I don’t think you are even aware yet of what he has done to you. You need to work on finding the feelings to kick him out, and I would suggest therapy and grief counselling. Sending you a lot of love, OP.

I’ve been in this situation and it doesn’t get any better. The freedom and peace I feel now I’m away from the person who cheated is immense. Please don’t subject your child to a toxic home. You are both worth so much more.

If you forgive this man, he will do worse things to you for the rest of your life. What a filthy excuse of a man.

I’m never shocked but this shocked me. Please see a therapist and work out why you don’t love yourself

I’m sorry op.

He sounds awful. Definitely leave him. You are ok
financially and housing wise which is a major plus.

Been there with the betrayal too. You will never get rid of that horrible feeling..that’s your gut telling you that it’s time to go.

Please talk to someone because such little self respect is a sign of childhood trauma and you and your child deserve to be around people who love you.

If your child is a boy, it’s very likely that exposure to an abusive man = growing up like that man. If she’s a girl, she’ll end up with a monster like her father. Use that as your motivation.