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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP! Inappropriate message from client I clean for.

999 replies

LemonLass · 14/05/2025 18:52

Need advice on how to proceed, ladies.

Just started cleaning for a chap in his 70s in a town I lived in for 20yrs. His partner lives around 20 miles away and asked for help on his behalf. He has grown up kids and grandkids and is a professional (medical) semi retired.

I have cleaned for him twice and he goes out once I arrive.

I am due to clean tomorrow. He has just messaged to advise a plumber will be at his tomorrow. Owner will be out on his motorbike. OK, not ideal someone there but ok (I have a key).

Then I received this message. Urgh.

My instinct was block and dont engage and return key (he will be out).

Alternative to send this screenshot to the partner and say why I quit (and drop key as above).

Or go and clean as he wouldnt be there.

I am not a prude but his text was totally inappropriate. I had thought he had sent it in error but no word from him since to backtrack.

Comments and advice please ladies. Would you clean for this person under these circunstances. This extra money is £13ph self employed if that makes a difference to your comments (not a lot but very handy sideline).

How awkward!

PS i think i have successfully scrubbed anything identifiable.

HELP! Inappropriate message from client I clean for.
OP posts:
pompey38 · 14/05/2025 21:10

LemonLass · 14/05/2025 18:52

Need advice on how to proceed, ladies.

Just started cleaning for a chap in his 70s in a town I lived in for 20yrs. His partner lives around 20 miles away and asked for help on his behalf. He has grown up kids and grandkids and is a professional (medical) semi retired.

I have cleaned for him twice and he goes out once I arrive.

I am due to clean tomorrow. He has just messaged to advise a plumber will be at his tomorrow. Owner will be out on his motorbike. OK, not ideal someone there but ok (I have a key).

Then I received this message. Urgh.

My instinct was block and dont engage and return key (he will be out).

Alternative to send this screenshot to the partner and say why I quit (and drop key as above).

Or go and clean as he wouldnt be there.

I am not a prude but his text was totally inappropriate. I had thought he had sent it in error but no word from him since to backtrack.

Comments and advice please ladies. Would you clean for this person under these circunstances. This extra money is £13ph self employed if that makes a difference to your comments (not a lot but very handy sideline).

How awkward!

PS i think i have successfully scrubbed anything identifiable.

i really don’t think that was meant to be sent to you

SparklyGlitterballs · 14/05/2025 21:10

queenofthesuburbs · 14/05/2025 20:33

The horny comment is written in a completely different style. Someone of that generation and education would never start a sentence without a capital letter nor, i suspect, use the word horny. It seems really odd.

Don't be ridiculous. I know someone in his 70s who knows a whole damn more than the word 'horny' and isn't afraid to use those words in texts. And yes, he's a professional person. Being older or educated doesn't exempt someone from being pervy. The non-capital letter could have been accidental.

thestudio · 14/05/2025 21:11

Can we stop using 'inappropriate' when we mean 'predatory and non-consensual'?

Inappropriate is when you talk about your night on the lash to a client.

This is the oppressive power structure that women live under, which means that men think it's ok to sexualise lower paid women who depend on that man's goodwill to pay the bills or feed their family.

AKA the patriarchy. Again.

WhatMe123 · 14/05/2025 21:12

I think it was meant for someone else as the tone is very different but I'm not sure of risk being around a male like this tbh

Original poster
LemonLass · 14/05/2025 21:12

Gymnopedie · 14/05/2025 21:08

"No problem" is a lie because his text is totally inappropriate. It is a big problem (as is his lack of follow up apologising or explaining a "mistake'.

You're insisting that he apolgises and explains. You won't contact him first. I'm with PPs, he doesn't know he's sent it to you. He sent you the ones about ironing and then forgot to do the next bits - pressing send and opening the messages to the person it was intended for.

Unless you're prepared to drop your stance of not messaging him, you'll never know. He might not either. (Maybe he's doing that occasional MN thing of thinking his partner is about to end things because she hasn't replied.)

I think tjis is called victim blaming?

I havent said i wont message
I have asked for advice on what to do. It is sickening to think someone being sent grim messages should need to chase up an apology.

OP posts:
FleaDog · 14/05/2025 21:12

He idms sounding you put:

No reaction - he can carry on blithely as tou aren't going to bring it up. He's not been given a definite no so he is posdibly thinking he's got a chance?

A reply saying you think it wasn't for you: gives him chance to say it was an accident and he has got away with it,and you're politely responding to a very unpleasant and inappropriate message.

Honestly? Drop him: make your boundaries clear and firm, that is unacceptable and you are severing the contract with immediate effect.

That is grim, grim behaviour: if a work colleagu said it to you, if you were in a bank appointment and your mortgage advisor for example said it to you, would you put up with it?

Quitelikeit · 14/05/2025 21:12

Screen shot it to send to his partner

text back and tell him you think he is a vile, disgusting, specimen and you are going to share his message on the local Facebook page so that other local cleaners are aware of his filthy habits

MintChocCat · 14/05/2025 21:14

thestudio · 14/05/2025 21:11

Can we stop using 'inappropriate' when we mean 'predatory and non-consensual'?

Inappropriate is when you talk about your night on the lash to a client.

This is the oppressive power structure that women live under, which means that men think it's ok to sexualise lower paid women who depend on that man's goodwill to pay the bills or feed their family.

AKA the patriarchy. Again.

OR it was accidentally sent to the OP...

Your message is valid, but over the top in this case - we need more information, jeez.

It would only be predatory if we knew there was intent, which we cannot prove.

SnippitySnappitySnop · 14/05/2025 21:14

You might feel a line has been crossed and can't unsee this or text him normally ever again even if it's a mistake, quote the text and reply directly to it: "Your last text has made me feel really uncomfortable and so I won't be returning to clean your house. Keys will be dropped into your letter box tomorrow" (and ask someone else to drop them)

Mummyratbag · 14/05/2025 21:16

Topless selfie as his WhatsApp? It could have been an accident, but I'm thinking 70 years of male privilege more like.

Gymnopedie · 14/05/2025 21:16

I think tjis is called victim blaming?

I have asked for advice on what to do. It is sickening to think someone being sent grim messages should need to chase up an apology.

I'm not victim blaming at all. I'm suggesting that he doesn't know he has anything to apologise for.

You are sure he's sent it to you deliberately, some of us think it wasn't meant for you. That's all.

ButterCrackers · 14/05/2025 21:17

Quitelikeit · 14/05/2025 21:12

Screen shot it to send to his partner

text back and tell him you think he is a vile, disgusting, specimen and you are going to share his message on the local Facebook page so that other local cleaners are aware of his filthy habits

Get ready for legal action.

cadburyegg · 14/05/2025 21:17

I think the message is for his partner. The previous messages are a completely different tone with no hint of anything inappropriate. It’s perfectly possible to send a text to the wrong person and not realise until they reply with ???. I’ve done it before.

DontStopMe · 14/05/2025 21:18

I think he's trying it on and will go for "sorry wrong person" if you do object. You should forward it to his partner as she set this up in the first place and tell her that's why you're not going back.

MintChocCat · 14/05/2025 21:19

OP - it needs to be addressed one way or another. This is what I would do:

"Hi, I received this really inappropriate message from you - it's really out of keeping to our usual correspondence. Could you please explain?"

See what their response is.

It's then up to you if you wish to continue working for him or not.

"I don't feel comfortable working for you any longer. I will return the keys by post and no longer wish to hear from you again."

Block, delete, move on!

ScaryM0nster · 14/05/2025 21:20

Generally when I’ve sent a message to the wrong person I haven’t realised straight away.

I’ve only discovered when the recipient has replied, or when I’ve gone into that thread to send them a message I actually intend to send them.

So I wouldn’t take the lack of immediate whoops wrong person as an indication it was deliberate.

I’d probably rely with a single ‘?’. That should be vague enough to prompt either a salty follow up and confirm it was deliberate, or a grovelling apology if realises that it was an error.

Original poster
LemonLass · 14/05/2025 21:22

MintChocCat · 14/05/2025 21:07

I feel really invested, and I really want to know the outcome of this now, lol. OP, please put us all out of our misery! 😆

Not done anything and nothing has changed since last 2 messages around 2.5hrs ago.

I cant safely work for him if intetion to send sleazy text to me. Problem is how will i know he doesnt respond "oops" or "my mistake"? If it was just joking, I would let gf partner have sight of messages.

i am due at his 9am but I think I need to sleep on it as to what I text him and if/what to text his gf partner that arranged me to work for him. He pays me, not her. I dont have any contact with her apart from her initial request to clean at his (they live apart but in relationship)

OP posts:
Frozensun · 14/05/2025 21:22

It may have been sent to the wrong person - and he hasn’t realised it. I have sent msg in error to the last msg received rather than the second last (who I meant to send it to). I only realised when I went back into messages to check them. If he hasn’t realised, then he won’t have followed up.
BUT, this is obviously a problem. To me, I’d send a message back saying that this is not appropriate. Then depending on his response, you keep the job going - or you terminate the employment relationship immediately.

Elle771 · 14/05/2025 21:24

@LemonLass It's not a mistake, it's a test.

At the rated you're charging (massively under market rate in NW anyway!) You will definitely be able to find less creepy clients to work for!

pinkcow123 · 14/05/2025 21:25

I think I’d be inclined to text back saying ‘was this meant for me?’ Because he may not see that as a rebuff, and if it was for you, say so. In which case you can give him a bollocking and quit.

if you give him an out of ‘I don’t think this was meant for me’ you will never know his true identity intentions…

MintChocCat · 14/05/2025 21:26

LemonLass · 14/05/2025 21:22

Not done anything and nothing has changed since last 2 messages around 2.5hrs ago.

I cant safely work for him if intetion to send sleazy text to me. Problem is how will i know he doesnt respond "oops" or "my mistake"? If it was just joking, I would let gf partner have sight of messages.

i am due at his 9am but I think I need to sleep on it as to what I text him and if/what to text his gf partner that arranged me to work for him. He pays me, not her. I dont have any contact with her apart from her initial request to clean at his (they live apart but in relationship)

Show quote history

I think it's fine to call it out to him and judge your next move by what their response is like - but by all means, sleep on it.

I think it's highly likely that he does not know this message was sent. It sounds sus to me. I would take a mesaured response. Calling him out on it doesn't mean that you're accepting of the sleaze, you can still refuse to work for him OP.

cryinglaughing · 14/05/2025 21:26

Of you don't respond to him, he has no reason to go back to that message and possibly realise he has sent it to the wrong person.

I would just text Oops, don't think this was meant for me.

Only them will you know if it has been sent on error or not.

honeypancake · 14/05/2025 21:26

He would be checking his phone for a response after sending this to either his partner or the OP! I can't imagine a man sending this kind of a message and then going about his day without looking at his phone if she replied. Come on!
He would have realised reasonably quickly it was the wrong recipient.
Also, he sent two consecutive texts to the OP. Clearly he saw exactly who he was typing that to as he could see his own text right above it. Again, I find the text above about his route and cafe to casual for a client-worker relationship. Why should the OP care about his day? He was already testing the waters with that first text.

CactusPeach · 14/05/2025 21:27

It's most likely that it wasn't meant for you and he either hasn't realised or is embarrassed and ignoring the situation (not a great coping strategy but one people do use).
It's totally different in tone to the other texts and if people are going to be creepy they usually test the waters / test your boundaries and gradually increase things, not go 0-100 like that.
If you're considering continuing to clean for him I would text back and ask if that was meant for you, worst case scenario would be that it was meant for you so continuing cleaning for him without addressing could potentially be interpreted as you not objecting to the inappropriateness which is not what you want.

OneFineDay13 · 14/05/2025 21:27

Member869894 · 14/05/2025 18:57

Am I missing something? I don't see.anything wrong?

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