In-Laws- god give me STRENGTH

[Hsmith11]

So, I have 2 kids, DS who is 5 and DD who is 3. I’m pregnant with my 3rd which was completely unplanned and such a shock so been navigating my emotions there. But really my health has been super low since the pregnancy, I’m talking hospital visits from week 3 and just constant stress and like a million appointments which I have to juggle along with my darling 2 whilst getting the house ready for ,fingers crossed, baby #3.
My point is I had been to hospital 3x in the week (7 months in now), I was juggling school lunches and really needed a break come the weekend when my H’s 2 sisters and their 2 children decided to pitch up at 5PM on the Saturday?!
Literally I looked like shite but the worst thing is when they come round they just let their children run riot and don’t even set any boundaries. I can’t bend so cleaning has been an absolute nightmare and last time they broke my children’s toy till, lost all the puzzle pieces and just left without saying anything. Then at 7PM my third SIL pitched up with her 4 children when she knows that my children have an 8PM bedtime!
My husband just tells me to try and get over it, kids will be kids and make a mess and they are family which is true but what bothers me isn’t the children (who I found in my bedroom jumping on the bed with their shoes on, when I had just changed the sheets whilst dying of back pain!) but their mothers attitude to it all! It’s like no respect or common decency or even an attempt to calm their children down?! They just sit in the living room and chat for hours on end and the house and toys are completely wrecked by the time they leave. I mentioned it a few months back and my MIL told me to just take all the toys if I care so much about them and put them in my room. Like that’s not the point- does anyone understand me or am I just being a pregnant a- hole? I spoke to my own mum and she told me to just ignore them and stay in my room if seeing them wreck the house is going to annoy me but seriously I don’t see that as a solution either. I just don’t understand why they can’t keep an eye on their kids whilst they visit? I do really want to have a chat with them but not sure if it’s going to cause WW3 and just end in me and H arguing which I cannot be dealing with right now- please help x

Good luck with your chat to DH. Just remember, you def aren't being unreasonable. xx😊

Yes! I felt the same for you!
They are all absolutely taking advantage of you...
and as for your DM's comments? What is she thinking? She ought to have your back. Her comments make me think that your side of the family are also overbearing.
I'm betting that you did protest.. and said things like I need to put the kids to bed and that's when they made comments about fixed bedtimes.. because it didn't suit them.

Your DH thinks this is fine because it's fun for him He gets to be Mr Popular and he's not stuck doing all the work. You have a Mary and Martha scenario going on. I feel for you.

Really when I saw your update that they have a family whatsApp and you are excluded... I'd be wanting a look at that.. and checking that your DH hadn't carelessly invited them. He is able to do that because you do all the work and he doesn't seem to have an awareness of how inconvenient it is.
So either use his phone and say its you.. and then set up your own whatsapp and invite them.. say that this is the whatsapp to use to make arrangements for meeting up from now on!!! If you feel they are not listening to you.. you need to send a polite but firm text to all of them. And reinforce it. Don't wait for your spineless DH to speak to them. Its gone beyond that.

Dear SILs.
"You know I love seeing you all but please don't just turn up for an impromptu party without any warning.
I longing for a rest this weekend but in the end we had my two kids, and 6 nephews and nieces running around until 9.30 pm. I've had loads of medical appointments this week and I'm tired out and I just can't cope with surprise entertaining and all the clearing up that entails at the moment.
I do want the cousins to have fun together and am happy to meet at a park or cafe so we can all see each other there, but I am asking you to very kindly not turn up at the house at the moment. I don't want to be in a situation where I have to turn family away but I need all the rest I can get at the moment. "

Send it out.. and if they query it.. follow up with. "You may laugh but I found several of the little darlings jumping on my freshly changed sheets in their shoes. I struggled with a sore back to do it as I was longing to get an early night. I don't think it's fair to allow them to roam around my bedroom and I don't want to see them playing in there again."
I've had to do this.. DH had a habit of constantly inviting people without checking... you know on my one day off when I had plans to do things with the DC, or the weekend before GCSEs started etc. After that I had no worries about ringing them up directly and saying don't come it's inconvenient... let's arrange it for a better time.

You may get push back and be labelled the Baddy or precious. But they have NO qualms about walking all over and offending you and making crap comments. So own being the Baddy.. "Say yes I am really precious but I don't like kids running amuck in my bedroom.I don't let mine do that in your house."

None of this lot have any consideration for you ... You need to sit that oblivious DH down and tell him in no uncertain terms that your health is a priority.. you need rest on doctors advice and if that lot want a party with free childcare they can organise it themselves. The cheek!! Does he come to appointments with you? I'd be telling the Midwives privately beforehand to give him a full on lecture and insist that you must get more rest. And prepare DH for the fact that if they turn up he will be taking them and the kids to a local park/cafe/play area or back to their house and that you will not be moving on this.

I think if you've been in families that boss you around and don't listen to you, it is extra hard to make a stand, but when you have children it becomes a bit easier because you are advocating for them not just yourself. Just keep repeating your short clear very reasonable statements (which are not apologetic or full of excuses they can pick apart ) and you are not going to cave because they mock you. They are NOT the boss of you. They are all organising everything to suit themselves. It's so selfish. Practice saying "No. I'm not doing that. I'm doing xyz instead." and repeat it.

You don't want your kids to be cranky and miserable because they've been running around and not going to bed until after 9,30 pm. You deserve to have time to sort out your household and to look after your health and your baby's health in late pregnancy so its time to put your foot down. These requirements are not unreasonable. If they want to kick off and complain.. Good. Let them! What's the worst that can happen?

You are 100% correct, @DuckbilledSplatterPuff - I especially agree with this paragraph -

”You may get push back and be labelled the baddy or precious. But they have NO qualms about walking all over and offending you and making crap comments. So own being the Baddy.. Say yes I am really precious but I don't like kids running amuck in my bedroom. i don't let mine do that in your house.”

Yep. @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Being the Bad Guy. "Heavy is the head that wears the crown." 😂

I thought it was particularly crap that there's a family group chat... which OP asked to join (several times) and was told "Sorry, its Siblings only" -

That just means that they can make arrangements with DH, without any reference to her and with two children and one on the way and her doing the bulk of the childcare... and if that is the case I'd put a stop to that. No arrangements made involving OP without consulting OP has to be the rule. Its not him that is doing the shopping, cooking and cleaning for these gatherings anyway from the sound of it, OP is. I do feel for her.

"Sorry its siblings only!" That's what she should say when they turn up without asking again and she packs DH and her two and the whole boiling, off to the park so she can put her feet up for a bit!!

No man who cared a whit about you, your health or that of your baby would allow this to fly.

Selfish weak disloyal men allow this to happen.

Eventually women wake up to this reality and regret how much they tolerated.

Good men are protective of their wives, particularly when pregnant.

You need to protect yourself OP, he clearly won't.

They are really horrible people.
You really need to start caring less.

I'd go out next time. Make an excuse and leave DH to it being as he feels all this is acceptable. Also don't provide food. Soon gets people leaving if you say you have no food in!

Revenge is the only answer! Turn up at extraordinarily difficult times at their house “oh are you jus having lunch? Fantastic we haven’t had ours yet and I’m pooped from this pregnancy! The kids would love some of that pasta and I’d kill for a toasted cheese sandwich if you wouldn’t mind!” {head toss/tinkly laugh}

Then let your kids do their worst.

Have you a garden…thats where they'd be.

I would also draw them inline in my home.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.......cite the pregnancy.......be honest about physical limitations......use puppy dog eyes......say you are struggling to cope👍
We can all play the game without being mean. Guilting people into action when they are rudely ignoring to control their children is the only other way. Definitely door locks upstairs👍 Remember, you are doing a great job and we all think you are AMAZING!!💖💖💖

5 and 3.......I'd see about visiting them at home and bringing some wax crayons (walls look a bit dull don't they?) dry sand stuff (because that just doesn't come out of the carpet easily, bonus points for brown or green). Oh and a few glitter craft sets. That should be distributed and opened before anyone can say "let's do that outside". And then smile sweetly while the mrs there slowly implodes.

If my Mum had found anyone jumping on her bed, with or without shoes they would have left immediately. Probably through the upstairs window.

Are these kids feral in their own house??

Just tell your other half that for the next 2 months, until the baby arrives, visitors are not welcome. He can go see them, see them in a park, restaurant, coffee shop, but the house is off limits.

Oh goodness me , you don't want them doing that with a new born baby.
Could you ask them to text to see if it is convenient for visiting before they turn up?
It's actually very rude to turn up at someone's house and expect to be let in

Say you want to get into a better routine before baby comes and to say no visits after 7 pm ?
My parents and Grandparents would do this when my little one was a baby.
I often ended up in tears.
We used to close the curtains at the front and go upstairs and not answer the door because I could never relax.

@Hsmith11 it's your house, and they are your DH's sisters, not yours, so this is his problem to sort out. Tell DH that he'll have to take the kids to meet up with their cousins out of the house. If cousins unexpectedly pitch up at bedtime don't answer the door and if they message get DH to send an apologetic text saying you were putting the kids to bed, but the kids would love to see them during the day sometime

You are free childcare. They are having a break from It all when your running round like a headless chicken. You need to make it clear that when they visit u simply can't do it!

Why don't you just tell them they can't come over at night and they must call before they come over? If they come over without texting, don't open the door!

Christ, it's very simple! Tell them no coming over at that time. Period. Full stop!

I think causing a bit of offence would be a good thing, they might sulk and leave you in peace! Your SiLs sound rude and insensitive but if you (or your DH) don't tell them that their visits are unwelcome they're not going to know.

Husband should be protecting you at this time, not throwing you under a bus!
He needs to shape up and grow some. Father of (almost) three -- BE A MAN !

I'd say the above to his face, today, keep your voice level, calm and firm.

You deserve proper support. I wish you luck.

Could you not tell the kids “no jumping on the bed with shoes on” and ask guests to “please take your shoes off at the door”. Everyone has different tidiness/cleanliness standards and I think to avoid ww3 instead of having a word just be clear with your boundaries whilst they’re at your house. You can correct the children’s behaviour and/or politely ask the parents to if it’s not working. “Please can you ask Alfie to stop emptying all the toys out of the boxes, I’ve asked my kids to play with one toy at a time then we put it away before getting out another one. He wouldn’t listen to me when I asked him to”.
if your sister in law turns up at 7 say “oh hi come for a quick cuppa but I’ll need you leave at 7:30 because I’ve got to start the bedtime routine”.

You're too accommodating! Tell them to piss off!

That's great that you are going to have a serious convo with DH about this. If you find it hard to be assertive with ILs or to completely refuse entry, then I'd try some less direct manipulation - put on your best ill face if they turn up like this again and use it as an opportunity to show them the impact on you. Tell them you're too unwell for visitors/ just on way to bed as you're feeling dizzy and sick / can't get out to shops easily so leave the food in the fridge please etc etc You never know, they might offer to look after your DCs and do your shopping!