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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-Laws- god give me STRENGTH

119 replies

Hsmith11 · 13/05/2025 20:42

So, I have 2 kids, DS who is 5 and DD who is 3. I’m pregnant with my 3rd which was completely unplanned and such a shock so been navigating my emotions there. But really my health has been super low since the pregnancy, I’m talking hospital visits from week 3 and just constant stress and like a million appointments which I have to juggle along with my darling 2 whilst getting the house ready for ,fingers crossed, baby #3.
My point is I had been to hospital 3x in the week (7 months in now), I was juggling school lunches and really needed a break come the weekend when my H’s 2 sisters and their 2 children decided to pitch up at 5PM on the Saturday?!
Literally I looked like shite but the worst thing is when they come round they just let their children run riot and don’t even set any boundaries. I can’t bend so cleaning has been an absolute nightmare and last time they broke my children’s toy till, lost all the puzzle pieces and just left without saying anything. Then at 7PM my third SIL pitched up with her 4 children when she knows that my children have an 8PM bedtime!
My husband just tells me to try and get over it, kids will be kids and make a mess and they are family which is true but what bothers me isn’t the children (who I found in my bedroom jumping on the bed with their shoes on, when I had just changed the sheets whilst dying of back pain!) but their mothers attitude to it all! It’s like no respect or common decency or even an attempt to calm their children down?! They just sit in the living room and chat for hours on end and the house and toys are completely wrecked by the time they leave. I mentioned it a few months back and my MIL told me to just take all the toys if I care so much about them and put them in my room. Like that’s not the point- does anyone understand me or am I just being a pregnant a- hole? I spoke to my own mum and she told me to just ignore them and stay in my room if seeing them wreck the house is going to annoy me but seriously I don’t see that as a solution either. I just don’t understand why they can’t keep an eye on their kids whilst they visit? I do really want to have a chat with them but not sure if it’s going to cause WW3 and just end in me and H arguing which I cannot be dealing with right now- please help x

OP posts:
Brefugee · 14/05/2025 12:01

Gosh, OP, that sounds trying.
In your shoes? I would lock myself in my room having told DH to keep everything quiet and to clean and tidy afterwards.

But if you don't do that? Any children (in fact anyone) who comes into my house is fair game for me to tell off or whatever if they do things i don't want them to do. Additionally, parents of any children i find i have to tell off are requested to parent their offspring or leave. (to be fair DH is 100% with me on this)

ButterCrackers · 14/05/2025 12:02

Your dh needs to sort it out. Tell the in laws that they must leave your house as they found it otherwise you will send them a cleaning bill to pay. Find a cleaner anyway. Can you take a break in a hotel near the hospital to rest for a week whilst still going to your appointments?

AthWat · 14/05/2025 12:07

There's so many problems on this board that can be solved simply by saying "no" to people, even if they are "Family, the great God that must always be appeased!". In this case you need to say no to your husband and have him say no to them.

EastGrinstead · 14/05/2025 12:15

(who I found in my bedroom jumping on the bed with their shoes on, when I had just changed the sheets whilst dying of back pain!)

Just to reiterate - you have a DH problem. He should be taking charge here.

SapphireSeptember · 14/05/2025 12:31

Nah, fuck ALL of that for a game of soldiers. I'd be shouting at any child jumping on my bed with their shoes on (my house has a shoes off rule anyway) and asking the parents to pay for any broken toys. And definitely no social calls late in the evening. Twats. They're being really inconsiderate.

Second putting cabin hooks on the doors. High up, so the little horrors can't reach them.

YourGreyCat · 14/05/2025 12:47

I had a really ill pregnancy with a toddler. Sick through the entire thing and exhausted running round after the toddler. I had issues with disruptive visits from MIL that put stress on me at dinner times and bedtimes. In the end, I just asked that we kept visits to weekends when I had my husbands support and when the routines were relaxed. Midweek visits, could be done by my husband taking them to MILs house, these visits rarely happened because it was too much faf. Place the faf onto someone else and they will soon realise the burden and join your thinking.
It sounds like on top of everything your juggling, having people round at inconvenient times is placing burdens on you and it is more than you can handle, which is completely reasonable. You are pregnant with 2 young children. Maybe your husband can take the children to their houses instead? It would give you a break too.

Hollietree · 14/05/2025 12:51

Other people are free to parent their own children however they wish, I don’t judge at all. But in my home - my children have a few ground rules and I make it clear that visiting children need to follow the same.

Eg no shoes in the house - As soon as they walk in the door “Could you take your shoes off please, we are a no shoes house.”

See a child being too rough with a toy “Sorry I’m going to have to put that toy away now, I’m worried it’s going to get broken.”

SIL says they are going to be leaving soon, you say in a loud voice “Ok kids, time for everyone to help tidy up all the toys now please. Suzie could you put the dolls away, Sarah could you tidy up the trainset please”.

Just because they parent differently, it does not give them the right to walk into your house and cause chaos for you to tidy up and upset your kids who have different rules around behaviour. That’s just rudeness and laziness disguised as “different parenting choices.”

In regards to the time his sisters turn up and leave, this definitely needs to come from their Brother. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like the big bad wolf SIL. You say your husband doesn’t want to cause a problem with his sisters - well ask him is he ok to cause major problems with his wife, so as not to upset his sisters?! Maybe you have been too polite in the past (you describe yourself as a people pleaser) and your husband needs to fully understand that this is a major issue for you - it is upsetting you, you are exhausted and the negative consequences of their visits all fall on your feet.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 14/05/2025 12:55

Tell them- no unannounced visits. If this is a problem, they can "pop-in" to see each other at one of their own three homes and your husband can visit them there.

Smellslikeburnttoat · 14/05/2025 13:09

Sorry your husband is such an arse and your Sils husbands are also arses who seem to zero parenting

spoonbillstretford · 14/05/2025 13:42

S0j0urn4r · 13/05/2025 20:45

Next time just take yourself off to bed and leave H to deal with his family.

This. And tell your DH to stand up for you, FFS.

Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:13

Aww bless you all! Thank you so much for all your advice! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who sees an issue with it- genuinely felt like a moody hormonal monster at one point! I will defo have a chat with DH and make some points very clear! ♥️

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:17

Thehop · 14/05/2025 07:48

Into group chat

"hey sisters, I'm not really managing the housework at the moment so we're not going to have visitors now so I can take things a bit easier and not host. Obviously I still love seeing you guys so thought meeting at soft play centre would be nice for the kids on Friday afternoon? Let me know what you think."

That would be lovely if I was in the group chat! Mentioned it twice now and they’ve said “oh it’s just siblings only” :/ so everyone is so right- why the hell am I putting up with their behavior when they clearly don’t care? Time to stand up for myself x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:17

Clownsy · 14/05/2025 08:50

His family sound like feral scum.
You poor woman.

😂😂😂😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:20

EsmeSusanOgg · 14/05/2025 08:30

I would have turned the second SIL away and showed the other the door at 7pm. Time for kids to wind down before bed.

Did your husband know they were coming?

Nope, they literally “popped over” I’m guessing they thought it’s a Saturday and no school the next day so it would be fine…

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:21

ButterCrackers · 14/05/2025 12:02

Your dh needs to sort it out. Tell the in laws that they must leave your house as they found it otherwise you will send them a cleaning bill to pay. Find a cleaner anyway. Can you take a break in a hotel near the hospital to rest for a week whilst still going to your appointments?

God I wish! A break sounds lovely but I really don’t want to be leaving my home- I think I need to set stricter rules so they understand it’s not okay behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:22

MyDeftDuck · 14/05/2025 09:50

Your house…….your rules! And DH should be backing you 100% on this. In-laws kids wrecking your kids toys and disrespecting your home is not acceptable. Next time…….speak up and be firm. Point out that your kids look after their toys, don’t jump on beds etc and you will not allow xxx and yyy to behave badly when visiting. If it upsets the adults…..tough shit!
Be strong and I hope the pregnancy goes well 💐

♥️

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:24

ttcat37 · 14/05/2025 08:56

Just don’t let them in? Go to the door, say “so sorry but we’re going to bed, see you soon though!” Shut the door, goodbye…

Oh my goodness! 😂😂 I would literally never have the confidence to do that! Although I will definitely dream of it! Thank you! X

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 14/05/2025 15:24

S0j0urn4r · 13/05/2025 20:45

Next time just take yourself off to bed and leave H to deal with his family.

This.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/05/2025 15:28

Op, your dh should totally be dealing with this.

Why on earth is he letting his sisters treat you so badly?

Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:29

Juiceinacup · 14/05/2025 09:02

Did your DH invite them or at least know they were coming? It seems unlikely that his family members would all have talked and agreed amongst themselves to come over that evening, especially as they weren’t presumably together beforehand as one set was much later arriving. You could have been out, you or one of your children could have been poorly in bed or some such. Is he too scared to say no to them and just expects YOU to suck it up and sort out the chaos.?

Edited

No he genuinely didn’t know because I couldn’t cook for that many people and we just ended up doing pizzas. I think I agree with a lot of people on this, I’ve been too weak and nice and let them gotten away with it but time to just gently explain my position.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:32

Therealjudgejudy · 14/05/2025 15:28

Op, your dh should totally be dealing with this.

Why on earth is he letting his sisters treat you so badly?

Thank you! I understand - a serious conversation needs to be had x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:35

Gyozas · 14/05/2025 11:14

So your twat of a husband is happy to sit back and watch you physically struggle to tidy up the mess and broken toys caused by his sisters’ eight children in your house? What a prince.

Let me guess, they all sit around drinking while all this is going on @Hsmith11?

Literally! And the cupboards and fridge are literally ransacked too- what is honestly wrong with me?! I need to have this off my chest now- like everyone has said- first with DH and then with SIls if needed-

OP posts:
Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:36

YourGreyCat · 14/05/2025 12:47

I had a really ill pregnancy with a toddler. Sick through the entire thing and exhausted running round after the toddler. I had issues with disruptive visits from MIL that put stress on me at dinner times and bedtimes. In the end, I just asked that we kept visits to weekends when I had my husbands support and when the routines were relaxed. Midweek visits, could be done by my husband taking them to MILs house, these visits rarely happened because it was too much faf. Place the faf onto someone else and they will soon realise the burden and join your thinking.
It sounds like on top of everything your juggling, having people round at inconvenient times is placing burdens on you and it is more than you can handle, which is completely reasonable. You are pregnant with 2 young children. Maybe your husband can take the children to their houses instead? It would give you a break too.

Awww bless you! It’s really awful when you’re not feeling well isn’t it? So glad you got through it! Yes, the curse of overbearing in laws- so glad I have a plan now :) - thank you

OP posts:
Nominative · 14/05/2025 15:44

Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:17

That would be lovely if I was in the group chat! Mentioned it twice now and they’ve said “oh it’s just siblings only” :/ so everyone is so right- why the hell am I putting up with their behavior when they clearly don’t care? Time to stand up for myself x

Show quote history

Get your husband to do it, then.

Original poster
Hsmith11 · 14/05/2025 15:45

Blondiebeachbabe · 14/05/2025 09:44

Oh man, I really feel for you. It sounds like absolute carnage. That's a total of 10 kids running through your house, in a matter of hours. Does your DH clean up?

I can remember when mine were small, we had a dedicated playroom, full of shelves from Ikea and wicker baskets. I used to try to categorise the toys, to make sense of it all, so one basket for cars, one for dolls, one for puzzles, that kind of thing. I remember multiple times we would have friends and their kids round, and the whole thing would be wrecked - the kids (not mine) would empty out all the baskets all over the place - it would take hours to clear up afterwards. Of course ExH never helped! I think looking back, I should have locked that room, and just taken out a few play things and put them in the lounge. Easier said that done.

Could you put up a stair gate, so no one can go upstairs, and just have a few toys downstairs? And put up a little bolt on bedroom doors so they can't get in? On nice days, keep them in the garden with garden toys?

Literally this! I think I definitely need to stand my ground now and say something. Looking at everyone’s replies I feel like an absolute doormat and need to just stick up for myself - no cultural differences at all- just varying personalities I guess- thank you!

OP posts: