In-Laws- god give me STRENGTH

[Hsmith11]

So, I have 2 kids, DS who is 5 and DD who is 3. I’m pregnant with my 3rd which was completely unplanned and such a shock so been navigating my emotions there. But really my health has been super low since the pregnancy, I’m talking hospital visits from week 3 and just constant stress and like a million appointments which I have to juggle along with my darling 2 whilst getting the house ready for ,fingers crossed, baby #3.
My point is I had been to hospital 3x in the week (7 months in now), I was juggling school lunches and really needed a break come the weekend when my H’s 2 sisters and their 2 children decided to pitch up at 5PM on the Saturday?!
Literally I looked like shite but the worst thing is when they come round they just let their children run riot and don’t even set any boundaries. I can’t bend so cleaning has been an absolute nightmare and last time they broke my children’s toy till, lost all the puzzle pieces and just left without saying anything. Then at 7PM my third SIL pitched up with her 4 children when she knows that my children have an 8PM bedtime!
My husband just tells me to try and get over it, kids will be kids and make a mess and they are family which is true but what bothers me isn’t the children (who I found in my bedroom jumping on the bed with their shoes on, when I had just changed the sheets whilst dying of back pain!) but their mothers attitude to it all! It’s like no respect or common decency or even an attempt to calm their children down?! They just sit in the living room and chat for hours on end and the house and toys are completely wrecked by the time they leave. I mentioned it a few months back and my MIL told me to just take all the toys if I care so much about them and put them in my room. Like that’s not the point- does anyone understand me or am I just being a pregnant a- hole? I spoke to my own mum and she told me to just ignore them and stay in my room if seeing them wreck the house is going to annoy me but seriously I don’t see that as a solution either. I just don’t understand why they can’t keep an eye on their kids whilst they visit? I do really want to have a chat with them but not sure if it’s going to cause WW3 and just end in me and H arguing which I cannot be dealing with right now- please help x

Answer the door with your shoes on and key in hand.
Oh, we’re just going to x, y, z. Come with us. (Said so quickly they can’t get a foot over the threshold and are blindsided to go along with it.)

Into group chat

"hey sisters, I'm not really managing the housework at the moment so we're not going to have visitors now so I can take things a bit easier and not host. Obviously I still love seeing you guys so thought meeting at soft play centre would be nice for the kids on Friday afternoon? Let me know what you think."

I'd be giving the children boundaries in MY home, and if the in-laws didn't like it, tough. Just because they can't be arsed to parent their own children, doesn't mean you should have to put up with it, in your own home. Your husband should be the one to tell his sister/brother that they are coming over too late, and that they need to parent their children. It's basic manners that you don't go upstairs unless you're invited too, and children shouldn't be going into your bedroom full stop, let lone bouncing on beds with shoes on!! I would be asserting some boundaries, bugger what the parents think!! My house, my rules!!

totally this

I’d lose my fucking shit over this. Tell the little brats off. If their parents can’t or won’t discipline I will.
Their feet wouldn’t touch the floor let alone jumping on my bed with shoes on!

Just because someone turns up to visit you, doesn’t mean you have to let them in. You know they will stay hours so answer the door and say “SIL, I wished you’d called first, I’m not feeling well, sorry I can’t cope with any visitors today. I’ll get sh to call you to arrange something when I’m feeling better or when he can come to you.” Then don’t let them in.

It made me feel so angry reading your post. Firstly, because your husband's family seem to have little regard for yourself and the fact that you are understandably exhausted 😩 You are pregnant and have two small children. Most reasonable people would realise just how hard this is. You really don't need evening calls from children who seem to have no boundaries.
Secondly, your husband seems to have little understanding of your situation. He is the one who should be clearing up after his family. He should be the one setting out your house rules. If his family don't like it, then tough. I think they will have more respect for you as a family if they know the rules. It is great that family want to visit, but it should be with respect for you and your property.
It is obviously upsetting you and it is unreasonable of your husband to ignore this. Wishing you good luck in communicating this to your husband.

I would have turned the second SIL away and showed the other the door at 7pm. Time for kids to wind down before bed.

Did your husband know they were coming?

They are outrageous!

Who turns up at 5pm for a social with children, although mine were in bed at 6.30, they rose early but that suited me. So 5pm was deffo wind down time!

7pm is totally ridiculous.

But, your DH needs to be telling them, prearranged times, starting no later than 3, ending by 5, so you don’t feed them. Also house needs to be tidied up, with all children contributing.

its really down to him!

xx

I mean I'd really hate people just turning up like that but is this normal for your extended family? How do you think they'd react if you tried to put in some boundaries around visits?

In my experience, it would be more effective if your husband tackles the boundary chat with your SIL. Otherwise, you become the awkward one. Your husband's family will find it more difficult to protest if it comes from him.

The cousins can run riot in their own house but certainly not in yours where you make and keep the rules for everybody’s sake.

Whatever is the rule for your own children should be the rule for visiting children.

It’s up to you and your DH to enforce what goes on in your house.
Your children need to learn from you, their parents, how to assert their own boundaries in their own home with their own toys and you need to help them out with words to use, not stand by watching it get out of hand. If one of you is too sick to do it, then the other parent takes up the slack and keeps order.
Think about the words you could have used to take control.
eg We are gentle with toys in this house as they are precious.
If we break something we must replace it.
We always put the first puzzle away before getting another one out and we make sure all the pieces are in the correct box.
You may play in this room or the garden but not the bedrooms.
Rough play isn’t allowed.
etc etc.

As for the time they turned up, it sounds as if they suddenly realised you were ill and wanted to support you by visiting at a time they knew you would be in…towards the end of the day.
Your DH should have taken the lead and greeted them at the door with …oh lovely to see you of course, please come in just for five minutes to say hello but I’m sorry we can’t ask you to stay longer as we are just about to eat/just winding down after a busy day and DW isn’t too well/just putting the children to bed/just expecting an arranged call from friends/just in the middle of a big job etc etc.

I think you need to have a big talk with your DH and make him understand how inappropriate you find his sisters’ timings and parenting.

His family sound like feral scum.
You poor woman.

This.

it’s ok to set reasonable boundaries.

Get a locksmith to put locks on all the doors, hide the toys and go to bed! I hate parents who behave like this and will not set boundaries

Where is your husband in all this? He should be changing the sheets, tidying up, managing his sisters, telling off his nephews and nieces, putting the kids to bed, and bringing you a hot chocolate to bed while you rest.

I can't help but be concerned that your DH has seen you through two previous pregnancies and it hasn't occured to him to step up and support you in this.

Just don’t let them in? Go to the door, say “so sorry but we’re going to bed, see you soon though!” Shut the door, goodbye…

Hmmm. Personally I would tell the kids off the same way as you would your own kids and if your SILs object tell them its your house your rules, you are happy for them to do likewise in their house. And I would tell them its too late, you need to go now etc. Because it sounds to me like you have an active relationship in terms of the amount of contact you have. In which case having your husband act as the go between is not really sustainable. However, I would also tell DH that that's what I'm doing and he has to back me up, and if he goes whining behind my back to keep the peace I'll be deeply unimpressed. If he can't do that then id tell him the alternative is he does all the running round, cleaning up and paying for their mess. Id be settong this up as the long term, permanent rules. I would also tell him and them that while you're pregnant and have a newborn you only want visitors that are going to be hassle free and helpful so if they want to come over they have to sort themselves out and make sure there's no work left over for me to do. I'd probably do that in a group whatsapp with some kind of 'I love you guys and want to see you as much as possible but right now I'm knackered and ill. So to make sure we can see each other without me getting more unwell this is what i need...'But I am super bolshy and not shy of telling people what I expect.

Did your DH invite them or at least know they were coming? It seems unlikely that his family members would all have talked and agreed amongst themselves to come over that evening, especially as they weren’t presumably together beforehand as one set was much later arriving. You could have been out, you or one of your children could have been poorly in bed or some such. Is he too scared to say no to them and just expects YOU to suck it up and sort out the chaos.?

there no need for confrontation, just tell them what you need in a bright and breezy way. So tell the kids we’re not going upstairs today. Tell the SILs Im feeling really unwell today, been to hospital 3 times, so you’ll have to get your own drinks/ can you help tidy up now please/it’s time for you lot to sling your hook. Try it - it’s a revelation!

You don’t have an in laws problem you have a husband problem.

You are seven months pregnant, two young children and unwell through the pregnancy but you feel you need to “communicate better”?

No the problem is not your communication - he is being lazy and self absorbed. He needs to pull his weight and not leave you to make beds and other awkward or heavy stuff (and everything else) and that includes limiting tiring visits until things are easier. As for expecting you to remake the beds after the visit - words fail me,

Kick your husband's arse. He needs to tell his family not to come at awkward times or, if they do come, not to let their kids break things and dirty things. And he needs to clear up. After them, but also more generally, if you're feeling unwell.

Get a ring doorbell and just don't answer the door to them if you don't feel up to having them and their kids around....if they complain about it later you can say you and the kids were upstairs having bath time and didn't hear them or you all fell asleep watching a movie etc....and keep doing this until they get the message not to call at that time

If their parents won't discipline them then YOU should discipline them...it's your house, and your own kids will be watching and thinking if she lets our cousins get away with such and such then why can't we do that too ...if your husband's sisters have an issue with you discipling them then tell them either their kids behave or they have to leave....

Issue is not your ILs. You have a DH problem.

Like other PPs have said, I’d be reading him the riot act and making very clear his sisters are not welcome at the moment. He can take your two over to theirs if he’s like to catch up with them.