In-Laws- god give me STRENGTH

[Hsmith11]

So, I have 2 kids, DS who is 5 and DD who is 3. I’m pregnant with my 3rd which was completely unplanned and such a shock so been navigating my emotions there. But really my health has been super low since the pregnancy, I’m talking hospital visits from week 3 and just constant stress and like a million appointments which I have to juggle along with my darling 2 whilst getting the house ready for ,fingers crossed, baby #3.
My point is I had been to hospital 3x in the week (7 months in now), I was juggling school lunches and really needed a break come the weekend when my H’s 2 sisters and their 2 children decided to pitch up at 5PM on the Saturday?!
Literally I looked like shite but the worst thing is when they come round they just let their children run riot and don’t even set any boundaries. I can’t bend so cleaning has been an absolute nightmare and last time they broke my children’s toy till, lost all the puzzle pieces and just left without saying anything. Then at 7PM my third SIL pitched up with her 4 children when she knows that my children have an 8PM bedtime!
My husband just tells me to try and get over it, kids will be kids and make a mess and they are family which is true but what bothers me isn’t the children (who I found in my bedroom jumping on the bed with their shoes on, when I had just changed the sheets whilst dying of back pain!) but their mothers attitude to it all! It’s like no respect or common decency or even an attempt to calm their children down?! They just sit in the living room and chat for hours on end and the house and toys are completely wrecked by the time they leave. I mentioned it a few months back and my MIL told me to just take all the toys if I care so much about them and put them in my room. Like that’s not the point- does anyone understand me or am I just being a pregnant a- hole? I spoke to my own mum and she told me to just ignore them and stay in my room if seeing them wreck the house is going to annoy me but seriously I don’t see that as a solution either. I just don’t understand why they can’t keep an eye on their kids whilst they visit? I do really want to have a chat with them but not sure if it’s going to cause WW3 and just end in me and H arguing which I cannot be dealing with right now- please help x

Love this idea!

sorry you’re having a rough time OP. I’ve only had one pregnancy but multiple medical problems and it is so draining especially whilst working. I’m not blaming you at all here but from your posts it sounds as if you’re trying to compensate for not being at work because you’ve had a medically complicated pregnancy by doing more around the house and trying to be this perfect housewife and mother. This is unreasonable - yes you both have a lot on, he’s working more - but you didn’t chose to be unwell in your pregnancy- it can’t be helped and you trying to do everything will make you feel more drained and start resenting your DH.

Your DH needs to know exactly how exhausted you are. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt here because it should be obvious but perhaps if you’re doing your best to soldier on he doesn’t realise how hard everything is. A honest and open discussion needs to be had and as the hop has said I think you/ or he needs to be honest with the SILS too. It’s stressing you out having everyone over especially when it’s late at night and you need to have the children in bed. People generally don’t take well to criticism of their children’s behaviour so I think I would leave that out of the text message and just say can future meet ups be elsewhere so you don’t have to host.

If you do find yourselves hosting again as others have suggested clear boundaries before they come over - you start bedtime routine at 7 so everyone will have to be out by then. Explain that the midwives have said you need to be calm and relaxed and that having a house full of children past 9pm is the opposite of that for you. And tell your DH that both of you will be disciplining all the children if they step out of line! I also like the idea of no kids upstairs from a pp. It is all a bit insane that this is happening and there are 3 adults who think it’s normal behaviour 🤣 is there any cultural difference at all? I find it utterly bizarre.

good luck and all the best with the rest of the pregnancy - stay strong

Oh man, I really feel for you. It sounds like absolute carnage. That's a total of 10 kids running through your house, in a matter of hours. Does your DH clean up?

I can remember when mine were small, we had a dedicated playroom, full of shelves from Ikea and wicker baskets. I used to try to categorise the toys, to make sense of it all, so one basket for cars, one for dolls, one for puzzles, that kind of thing. I remember multiple times we would have friends and their kids round, and the whole thing would be wrecked - the kids (not mine) would empty out all the baskets all over the place - it would take hours to clear up afterwards. Of course ExH never helped! I think looking back, I should have locked that room, and just taken out a few play things and put them in the lounge. Easier said that done.

Could you put up a stair gate, so no one can go upstairs, and just have a few toys downstairs? And put up a little bolt on bedroom doors so they can't get in? On nice days, keep them in the garden with garden toys?

I think on the same day this week just refuse to let them in at the door and say it’s because they trashed the place last week and stayed too long. Or if you really don’t think you can do that, send them a message earlier in the day telling them not to call in because they trashed the place last week etc. If your DH has a problem with it, well it sounds like you need the practice standing up to him. He should be actively trying to make your life easier at the moment, not the opposite!

There is absolutely no way I'd give the green light to guests arriving at my door without consulting me first. I'd be in a constant state of fear of having to be ready 24/7. I couldn't relax in my own home. My own children wouldn't do this and I wouldn't do this to them. We always call each other to ask if popping over is convenient and if not we arrange a time to suit. If you have an open door with no boundaries you have to expect this behaviour. I would be letting everyone know in future they are always welcome but to ask me if it's convenient simply because there are tines you don't feel ready. It doesn't have to cause conflict and most people would understand. My family and friends know emergencies are different and the same consideration doesn't apply.

Exactly. No way would I be quiet. I could care less if IL like me but more important to me is disrespecting me. I would have got them to clean up before they leave. What type of person sees a pregnant woman who has been ill of recent, struggling with two young kids and adds to their load?? Selfish people who don’t respect you. The biggest one being your husband.

They think your home is a place where they can meet their siblings and families, sit on their arses for hours whilst they are all fed snacks, watered and their little brats get to play with their cousins.

There is no way in hell I’d let anyone turn up uninvited a second time, family or not. I’m busy, I’ve got stuff to do, my evenings are planned.

This will become a habit if you don’t stop it and you’ll have a newborn and they’ll still turn up and think your job is to host them.

The weather is nice now, and the evenings long. Your DH can tell his siblings they can all meet in a park, bring some snacks and some toys for their Dennis the Menace and pals can trash, whilst you rest up.

Does your husband not have eyes and a brain? Can he not see his wife struggling ? Why are you making excuses for him? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about you.

Your house…….your rules! And DH should be backing you 100% on this. In-laws kids wrecking your kids toys and disrespecting your home is not acceptable. Next time…….speak up and be firm. Point out that your kids look after their toys, don’t jump on beds etc and you will not allow xxx and yyy to behave badly when visiting. If it upsets the adults…..tough shit!
Be strong and I hope the pregnancy goes well 💐

I think people are perfectly entitled to use appropriate discipline on their nieces, nephews, grandchildren etc. Unfortunately in a society where many people eschew appropriate discipline even from parents, this opinion won't necessarily go down well.

The children sound like real undisciplined brats, but surely you tell them off and then tell your sisters in law when you find them doing things like jumping on your bed? And if your children have a bedtime of 8pm and it’s important for you to keep to that, then I don’t see what difference it makes if you’ve got visitors - you just get them to say goodnight and take them up for their bedtime routine.

This.

My husband just tells me to try and get over it

No. Just no. Tell him to close it down now - they need to stop turning up.

This sounds horrendous OP. They should not be turning up uninvited - your DH needs to tell them this. And I like the idea of arranging to meet at a park/soft play. It gets them out of your house and you can control when you leave.

In your shoes, I would tell DH what your boundaries are with this. Personally, I would make visiting my house by invitation only, given your current situation.

This is for DH to enforce with his family. You really have to put on your big girl pants and have it out with DH.

This. Why are they even being allowed through the door? You’re enabling the behaviour.

Could Make the children stay in the same room as their parents?

You could say 'hi guys last time some toys got broken so today we are staying in the kitchen with your mums.' then leave and keep sending back any roaming kids?

I have on occasion, when faced with these sorts of visitors, left them to it. Taken my phone, shut my bedroom door and probably scrolled on mn.
Let your dh deal with them.
Good luck with your pregnancy and hope things get easier.

Wow, noone comes and does this to our house. I would say to the whole family you are struggling and unwell and no visitors unless prior arranged for a while.

Your Inlaws should be tackled by your husband he can be the one to set boundaries that suit his family( you and the kids) that should be his priority.

He needs to have your back. They are not the important ones you are. It doesn't matter what the working situation is he needs to be supporting you. Especially being unwell and pregnant that may mean he needs to take the lions share on everything for now.

I would insist that your dh asks them to observe some boundaries.

The relationship is irrelevant, if children don't behave in my house then I have no problem telling them to behave, if their parents don't like it they know where the door is.

I completely agree the DH should be sorting this out, but we hear time and time again about men who are completely useless at enforcing boundaries with their female relatives, generally to the detriment of their wives.

So your twat of a husband is happy to sit back and watch you physically struggle to tidy up the mess and broken toys caused by his sisters’ eight children in your house? What a prince.

Let me guess, they all sit around drinking while all this is going on @Hsmith11?

Your DH needs to tidy up and make the bed, not you at 7 months pregnant!
Kids will be kids but a group tidy up before everyone leaves is a good idea imo

And even if you weren't pregnant he should be doing this. He'd soon have a different attitude to their visits!

And the tidying up and replacing of all broken toys too. That might focus his mind a bit, @Hsmith11!