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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Starting IVF but DH is “ill”

97 replies

FTIVF25 · 13/05/2025 20:00

DH has form of being ill when I’m ill.
i know it sounds ridiculous. My cycle is really regular so by tracking my cycle I know when I’m about to come on, I suffer quite badly with pains so the day before and day 1, I’m bed bound. A few days before I’m about to start my period DH is also unwell, he seems to either have a headache, cold or just something, for the other remaining 3 out of the 4 weeks, he’s working, out playing football, golf etc
We have been on the NHS IVF waitlist for 3 years and this month is finally the time we will be actually starting treatment. DH hasn’t been “poorly” since March .. today he wakes up with scratchy throat, it’s so sore he throws up a few times. We’re due to start IVF in a few days and I’m supposed to be taking it easy, reducing stress etc but DH being ill is majorly stressing me out. I can’t even sympathise with him and if anything I feel a bit angry. Right now he is currently in bed and has been since our nurse consultation to confirm our treatment plan which was earlier this afternoon. I’m wondering whether to postpone treatment this month and start next month?
If he is genuinely ill will his sperm quality be rubbish?
AIBU in how I feel or should I be more sympathetic? The IVF nurse said that I need DH to be at my beck and call, right now I feel like I’m his.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 13/05/2025 20:01

Are you sure you want a baby with this man child? He doesn’t exactly scream reliable dad to be to me!?!?

NugsNotDrugs · 13/05/2025 20:03

Have you ever raised this with him? If so, what was his response? And if not, why?

OrangeSlices998 · 13/05/2025 20:03

What a man baby! Why are you at his beck and call - a glass of squash and some paracetamol and he can get on with it on his own! Not sure if a viral illness affects sperm quality/count, my guess would be yes but might be worth asking the nurse?

loropianalover · 13/05/2025 20:04

Who throws up multiple times because they have a scratchy throat?

usererror57 · 13/05/2025 20:05

Well if he’s throwing up doesn’t sound likes faking it
sperm takes 3 months to “make” so being the unwell week of IVF shouldn’t make a difference - if might in 3 months time

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2025 20:06

God that would infuriate me. No advice but loads of sympathy and luck for your ivf.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/05/2025 20:11

Sounds like he is genuinely ill this time but you're not empathetic because he's cried wolf a few too many times.

This is not a man that sounds deserving of children at your expense.

Things that niggle away at you now will feel much, much more annoying when you have an actual baby to look after AND this manchild to contend with at the same time.

Dramatic · 13/05/2025 20:12

Are you suggested he's made himself throw up multiple times?

Orangemintcream · 13/05/2025 20:13

While it seems he may be genuine this time it sounds as though he hasn’t been in the past.

Will he do this when if you have children one of them is unwell ? If you are ill too will you be left to soldier on doing the grunt work because he is “too ill” ?

Changingplace · 13/05/2025 20:14

If he’s been ill since March why hadn’t he seen a GP, that’s not normal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2025 20:15

I have a running joke with DH that he does this. Not to the extent of your bloke, but he does do it.

When I tell him I’m sick and he’s magically also sick, I smile and say, “of course you are”.

I think the throwing up means this one is real. But I would be tackling the whole boiling of this at some point.

BakelikeBertha · 13/05/2025 20:17

I'd be worried from what you've said, about him always having to be ill when you are, that once you have a child, he'll be even more competitive, but with your child this time OP. Sorry if that makes you worry, but better consider the possibility now before you get pregnant. Unfortunately men like this tend to like to be centre of attention, which he just won't be once a baby arrives. Think carefully, and maybe delay the IVF for another month, until you're absolutely sure that having a baby with him as the father, is the right thing.

Original poster
FTIVF25 · 13/05/2025 20:18

It’s a bit like when people can’t swallow pills or gag when they brush their tongue. The scratchy throat came around and because he was coughing so much he started throwing up, but it is definitely a start of something because I’ve just checked in on him and he is sweating and super hot to touch so he is coming down with something.
It just seems to be always at bad timing.
He’s actually a really good husband, great family person, great with friends, generous, thoughtful and caring etc… he’s just a man baby with health issue and this is our only issue in our marriage.
I have raised this with him and he says he can’t control when he’s ill. I will also add that he’s diabetic controlled so I’m ultra sensitive to his feelings when he’s ill because of his diabetes, but this is not diabetes related.

OP posts:
qbk9 · 13/05/2025 20:20

This incident aside, he sounds very difficult. He doesn’t sound like he’s going to be a good partner in the trenches of parenting. Are you sure about having a baby with him?

Fruitbat99 · 13/05/2025 20:21

I dont understand how its ok for you to be bed bound from period pains, but he's throwing up and you're angry?

Dearg · 13/05/2025 20:26

Is this anger at him being genuinely ill - such that he is running a fever and vomiting - actually displaced and you are just generally fed up of him?

Starting IVF must be a stressful time for you both. I think you will struggle as a couple with all it entails, if a genuine illness makes you this angry.

Glitchymn1 · 13/05/2025 20:29

Fruitbat99 · 13/05/2025 20:21

I dont understand how its ok for you to be bed bound from period pains, but he's throwing up and you're angry?

Me either. I’d hope the trend continues as you both can’t be ill at the same time with children, you have to suck it up and crack on unfortunately.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 13/05/2025 20:33

So you are starting 'treatment'? The only question surely (sorry, ex ivf here) is can he wank at the clinic if he needs to? If he can, no issues. If not, patio alibi anyone?

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 13/05/2025 20:38

If you feel like this now be warned that you will feel absolutely murderous if you end up with a baby (fingers crossed for you) and he acts like this when you’re all ill. Which will happen a lot.

luckylavender · 13/05/2025 20:38

FTIVF25 · 13/05/2025 20:00

DH has form of being ill when I’m ill.
i know it sounds ridiculous. My cycle is really regular so by tracking my cycle I know when I’m about to come on, I suffer quite badly with pains so the day before and day 1, I’m bed bound. A few days before I’m about to start my period DH is also unwell, he seems to either have a headache, cold or just something, for the other remaining 3 out of the 4 weeks, he’s working, out playing football, golf etc
We have been on the NHS IVF waitlist for 3 years and this month is finally the time we will be actually starting treatment. DH hasn’t been “poorly” since March .. today he wakes up with scratchy throat, it’s so sore he throws up a few times. We’re due to start IVF in a few days and I’m supposed to be taking it easy, reducing stress etc but DH being ill is majorly stressing me out. I can’t even sympathise with him and if anything I feel a bit angry. Right now he is currently in bed and has been since our nurse consultation to confirm our treatment plan which was earlier this afternoon. I’m wondering whether to postpone treatment this month and start next month?
If he is genuinely ill will his sperm quality be rubbish?
AIBU in how I feel or should I be more sympathetic? The IVF nurse said that I need DH to be at my beck and call, right now I feel like I’m his.

Have you seen a doctor about being bed bound for 2 days every 28 days? How can you hold down a job?

Edenmum2 · 13/05/2025 20:41

Be warned he’s not going to cope with all your attention being on a new baby. Maybe this is his way of telling you.

Overthebow · 13/05/2025 20:42

Do you actually want a baby with him? Having a baby is very tough, you’re both going to be tired and run down but will need to get on with it even when ill. Is this going to work if you’re bed bound two days every month and he’s a man baby when ill?

1543click · 13/05/2025 20:55

Having diabetes will mean his immune system is a little compromised . He does sound ill this time .

Charmofgoldfinch · 13/05/2025 21:07

When will DH have to give his sample? If you haven’t started your tablets/ injections then you’ll have a few weeks for him to recover prior to egg collection won’t you?
the priority is you not getting ill- you need to put all your energy into producing follicles rather than fighting off a virus.
good luck with your treatment (and there are IVF boards on here which i found invaluable when going through treatment) 🍀

MsCactus · 13/05/2025 21:15

Sperm is created and then takes three months to be ejaculated. So him being ill might be an issue in three months re his sperm, but not now! Definitely don't cancel the cycle

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