Starting IVF but DH is “ill”

[FTIVF25]

DH has form of being ill when I’m ill.
i know it sounds ridiculous. My cycle is really regular so by tracking my cycle I know when I’m about to come on, I suffer quite badly with pains so the day before and day 1, I’m bed bound. A few days before I’m about to start my period DH is also unwell, he seems to either have a headache, cold or just something, for the other remaining 3 out of the 4 weeks, he’s working, out playing football, golf etc
We have been on the NHS IVF waitlist for 3 years and this month is finally the time we will be actually starting treatment. DH hasn’t been “poorly” since March .. today he wakes up with scratchy throat, it’s so sore he throws up a few times. We’re due to start IVF in a few days and I’m supposed to be taking it easy, reducing stress etc but DH being ill is majorly stressing me out. I can’t even sympathise with him and if anything I feel a bit angry. Right now he is currently in bed and has been since our nurse consultation to confirm our treatment plan which was earlier this afternoon. I’m wondering whether to postpone treatment this month and start next month?
If he is genuinely ill will his sperm quality be rubbish?
AIBU in how I feel or should I be more sympathetic? The IVF nurse said that I need DH to be at my beck and call, right now I feel like I’m his.

Sounds like he’s actually ill so maybe cut him some slack!

Him having diabetes changes things for me. Having diabetes increases his chances of getting sick, staying sick longer and getting severely sick. It's a long term health condition that will impact him and it's not his fault.

I think you should both be aware that either of you regularly taking to your bed for days isnt really conducive with having babies

Those of us who've been down the fertility route know how ultra important it is, like nothing else matters in the world. So yes OP I understand how you're feeling.
Can he rally himself in time for a 'deposit' - when it's due?
However, like other posters have said, going forward, what on earth are you both going to be like when you have a baby? You can't have competitive illness and retreat to bed when the baby gets here.

Being bed bound for 2 days a month every month isn’t going to be particularly viable with a baby, how do you even manage work with that? Can the GP do nothing to help?

YANBU to be frustrated at the timing of him being ill, but you spend significantly more time incapacitated than he does so YABU to be mad at him for being ill.

His sperm quality will be fine, he does sound like a massive baby but to be fair so am I on the rare occasions I am poorly.

I had 6 cycles of ICSI, can I make an experienced suggestion? Don’t have your husband at your ‘beck & call’. Maybe for two or three days after embryo transfer fine but not for the full duration of your cycle. It will do your head in and drag it out! Have fun, go about your life as normal, do as you normally would!

@FTIVF25 Has he has a fever during the times he’s been ill in the past 3 months?

We were always told that the sample could only be provided if my husband hadn’t been ill with a fever in the past 3 months. I’d definitely check with your clinic to be sure. Good luck with your ivf journey ❤️

Absolutely agree with this. Why on earth you need anyone at your 'beck and call' due to IVF is beyond comprehension. Afternoon of egg collection (mostly due to sedation) and 24hours post transfer may be reasonable but the rest of the time the advice is, and the practically of it is, you get on with life as normal. If took 7 rounds of IVF before my daughter stuck. Life just doesn't stop because your IVF'ing, which is a good thing because it is all consuming as it is.

In regards to the illness stopping treatment, he will likely be over it before it presents an issue. If he is feverish at the point of his contribution they'd likely pull the plug....which is usually a couple of weeks ISH into your cycle. The issue is more likely if you go down with it during treatment. As a sidenote though, there is some evidence that mild illness during the 2ww can be helpful for implantation.

You absolutely do need to work out how you will cope with illness with a baby/small child though and taking to your bed is not an option or a solution!

Good luck with the IVF

I think you can see this from both sides. It sounds like the OP is understandably frustrated as they are starting IVF which is a big journey into the unknown and will have a lot of attachment to getting this started. As someone said above, DH probably cried wolf a bit before and now is actually getting sick, which irritated the OP who is now likely upset as it may interfere with what i'll assume has already been a drawn out fertility journey. If it makes you feel better, our DS was conceived a day after we all had a bad bout of norovirus, where my DH had a bad concussion from falling over while throwing up. I look back at my utter insanity to conceive without any rationality for my poor DH and shake my head. I was a literal mad woman, which it's easier to see in retrospect.

Yes, this shines a different light on being unwell.

Having Diabetes means he is vulnerable to infection, which puts a different light on everything.
i hope his is normally well controlled as this may affect sperm quality

If you're on a "long medicated" cycle it will take circa 5/6 weeks once you factor in down regulation so he has more than enough time to recover. My concern would be whether you subsequently catch it and have a cough at the point of the embryo transfer as you want that to be as smooth as possible.

Also ivf nurse saying he needs to be at your beck and call is a bit much (unless there is a backstory). If you're squeamish then yes you'll need help with the injections. Otherwise just needs to give his sample as required and then likely steer clear / buckle up as ivf medication can create major mood swings. I was honestly crazy and unreasonable at points.

Neither of you sound ready for a baby. You are bed bound for two days every month and he is ill quite often too.

I suppose he can’t control when he’s ill but it’s still deeply unattractive.

I don’t think anyone is especially attractive with a fever. What an odd comment

Leaving the fact he’s diabetic out of the OP is quite the drip feed! YABU. 1. Diabetes affects the immune response so you can be more susceptible to illness. 2. If you deal with a serious health condition then it’s not entirely surprising you might err on the side of caution or maybe overreact a bit to things changing with your health. 3. How is it fine for you to take to your bed because of your period, but someone with a significant long term health condition is unreasonable for getting ill?

The fact that he is always sick when the OP is sick is deeply unattractive. It’s like an illness version of one upmanship. It’s annoying and unattractive.

Yeah, the diabetes explains why

The only issue is that he is not acting like a man or future father, but like a little child who wants to be the centre of attention and puts himself first.

It may be the one and only thing but it’s going to impact everything.

How should he control when he's ill?

My DD is 6 and still I am catching about 8 colds a year from her plus probably 1 sickness or weird bowel type bug a year. The illnesses with young children are pretty constant and it really has been one of the more eye opening aspects of parenting - I didn't realise we would all feel ill quite so much as we do.

This is going to be a feature of your life for years to come.

Not the OP but I have job adjustments for my periods