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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on DP showering before we are intimate

119 replies

GreenGreenGiant · 13/05/2025 18:31

DP works a manual job, and can be a bit whiffy when he returns. I’ve always insisted on him showering before any intimacy which he has done without complaint. Recently, he is moaning about it and saying it kills any spontaneity as he doesn’t shower as a matter of course after work (he has one each morning). I would struggle to be intimate without him showering if I’m honest. Do you see his point of view or am I being a bit uptight?

OP posts:
sheknowsitstoolate · 13/05/2025 19:17

GreenGreenGiant · 13/05/2025 18:54

He says I can over exaggerate the smell, and thinks that a quick freshen up and deodorant is sufficient. If we are to be intimate, he’ll offer a ‘gentleman’s wash’ but I always insist on a shower.

I don’t even know what a gentleman’s wash is.. does it mean get rid of cock sweat? 🤢

tell him to start showering after work instead of before if it’s too hard for him to have 2

WellDoneThatSupremeCourt · 13/05/2025 19:18

You have an absolute right to decline sex for any reason, including, but not limited to, distaste for the smell of stale sweat.

KurtShirty · 13/05/2025 19:21

This is what I’m here for- to remind me to stay happily single and not being expected to put up with absolute shite like this

user2848502016 · 13/05/2025 19:26

I’d have thought anyone doing a manual job would shower after getting home tbh, gross to get into bed still dirty and sweaty!

ReacherOMGyes · 13/05/2025 19:28

Oh nope, I've had a couple of ex's with manual jobs and both were after work or at least before bed showerers.

Just tell him no, it's rotten that he has a shower just before he goes off to do his manual job and that's it

Original poster
GreenGreenGiant · 13/05/2025 19:33

sheknowsitstoolate · 13/05/2025 19:17

I don’t even know what a gentleman’s wash is.. does it mean get rid of cock sweat? 🤢

tell him to start showering after work instead of before if it’s too hard for him to have 2

Show quote history

Apologies, I thought it was a more widely known term. Yes, it’s essentially washing your genitals in the sink!

OP posts:
Olika · 13/05/2025 19:36

He could learn to take shower when he arrives home from work so he is then clean for the bed and any spontaneous fun.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/05/2025 20:15

He's fucking rank, just chuck the whole filthy bastard out and find someone who has reasonable hygiene standards.

gamerchick · 13/05/2025 20:22

SadieAdlerBountyHunter · 13/05/2025 18:33

It's a matter of personal opinion. But for me, no I could not be doing with introducing mandatory showers into proceedings. It's not quite the scene I'm going for.

That attitude here would mean you wouldn't get laid. That's would be the resulting scene.

Stick to your guns OP. It's not up to him to tell you to stop exaggerating. If he stinks then he gets a ruddy shower. Regardless of whether sex is on the table.

PoopingAllTheWay · 13/05/2025 20:24

Gentlemans wash - Surely easier to have a quick shower

DaisyChain505 · 13/05/2025 20:27

Intimacy or not it’s bloody gross that he doesn’t shower before getting into bed after working a manual job. How do you even share a bed with him let alone consider sex without him showering.

outerspacepotato · 13/05/2025 20:28

He's disgusting.

Was he raised by wolves in a barn? Does he not know he should shower when he's stinking?

WTF. 🤮

financialmuddle · 13/05/2025 20:29

It doesn't matter what he or anyone else thinks, OP. If you find it off putting and don't want to have sex with him unshowered then that is literally the only opinion that matters.

He can still keep sex spontaneous by showering as soon as he gets in or early in the evening.

The fact that he is trying to tell you that you are being unreasonable is shitty behaviour on his part.

qbk9 · 13/05/2025 20:29

If he’s doing a sweaty manual job, he needs to shower when he returns home. I think it’s pretty grim to sit on the sofa, get in the bed etc if he’s sweaty from working.

If he gets into the habit of showering when he gets in, then no spontaneity will ever be ruined.

financialmuddle · 13/05/2025 20:31

Apologies, I thought it was a more widely known term. Yes, it’s essentially washing your genitals in the sink!

And he thinks a shower kills the mood... 🤢

Picklechicken · 13/05/2025 20:31

Just reading about it all has given me the ick. Surely he should WANT to have a shower before sex if he’s been sweating / busy at work all day? So many men are like this and it’s so weird, no consideration for their partners.

SparklyGlitterballs · 13/05/2025 20:31

Tell him either a shower disrupts the spontaneity, or his odour kills your desire, so either way sex won't be happening.

Like others here, I'd not be happy if he was getting in to bed pongy, whether intimacy was on the cards or not.

LaughingCat · 13/05/2025 20:50

Ewwww! No, I don’t think you’re unreasonable but he should be showering when he gets home anyway. And my DH finds it hilarious how icked out I get by gentleman’s washes 😆 JUST EWWW ON ALL LEVELS!

ElaineBurdock · 13/05/2025 20:56

Normally people who do dirty jobs or manual work have a bath/shower as soon as they get home after work. The thought of someone sleeping in their own filth and then getting up to have a shower in the morning, (only to get smelly again right away), is nasty.

So to summarize, the only time he's sweet smelling is when he's eating his breakfast and driving to work. The rest of the time, which includes dinner/supper, evenings with wife/family, making love and sleeping, he's stinky.

He needs to get into the habit of hitting the showers right after work.

whynotmereally · 13/05/2025 21:48

Suggest he switches his showers to nightly instead of mornings

JHound · 13/05/2025 21:55

Somebody being a bit whiffy and expecting you to have sex with them regardless is incredibly disrespectful.

JHound · 13/05/2025 21:56

Also his personal hygiene is generally gross. He does a manual job and stinks and does not want to shower of his own accord when he gets home?

Disrespectful.

Sneezetimeagain · 13/05/2025 21:57

GreenGreenGiant · 13/05/2025 19:33

Apologies, I thought it was a more widely known term. Yes, it’s essentially washing your genitals in the sink!

Edited
Show quote history

That’s disgusting.

I agree with others Op, he should be showering when he gets back from work regardless of sex or not.

How inconsiderate of him, if you’re sharing a bed and sharing kisses and hugs each night surely he must know the smell affects you?

It’s not for him to say he’s not that smelly. Obviously we are more nose blind to our own scent. He should accept your word that he smells and just have a proper shower.

Sounds like a lack of respect!

Disturbia81 · 13/05/2025 21:58

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 13/05/2025 18:33

If he’s a bit whiffy when he gets home from work I’d be wanting him to shower regardless of intimacy.

First post nails it!
I don’t want to be around anyone who stinks, and definitely not be intimate.

JHound · 13/05/2025 21:58

GreenGreenGiant · 13/05/2025 18:54

He says I can over exaggerate the smell, and thinks that a quick freshen up and deodorant is sufficient. If we are to be intimate, he’ll offer a ‘gentleman’s wash’ but I always insist on a shower.

He’s disrespectful.