No intimacy for five years

[Graciegremlin]

Hi I've changed my username just in case as this could be outing. Just as the title says really, literally no intimacy for five years (well 5.5 now). Been married 14 years and together 17. No children together but three grown up boys between us.
DH is semi retired, 10 years older than me and I'm a mature student studying towards a degree. I have raised this issue many times and DH will break down in tears and insist it's not me but him, that he feels fat and old etc etc. Despite me reassuring him it hasn't amounted to anything and now I am feeling pretty rejected (not to mention very lonely). I have woken up once or twice in the night to him pleasuring himself so I'm assuming everything is in working order, but clearly not for me.
What the heck do I do? I've never felt so undesired. I'm in good shape, look younger than my 50 years and make an effort with my appearance.
In a fit of anger, last time I brought the issue up I asked if he would consider an open marriage as I needed to feel closeness with someone. As you can imagine, this was met with complete disagreement. Any advice?

My advice is divorce. Go and be happy.

Whilst I would be sympathetic to anyone having a crisis of confidence, feeling unattractive etc etc - he feels fat and old - so what’s he done about it?

If he’s made no effort to improve the situation, offered intimacy in other ways that aren’t PIV then I would leave. Sorry op, life is too short and you’re feeling lonely in your marriage and completely unfulfilled and he doesn’t care about that.

Given that he won’t address the issue I guess your choices are stay (and have no intimacy. Or leave.

Or you could try couples therapy?

Thank you for your reply. In a nutshell, he hasn't done anything about it. We agreed to join the gym together and it was a year long contract. He went twice in that year at a cost of £600. He comes home from his part time job, sits down with a brew and a pile of biscuits. We've always a full fruit bowl and I cook healthy evening meals but so far nothing has encouraged him to "change" his appearance that he says bothers him.

It's awful to feel so lonely when your actually with someone. I can feel my mood and self esteem dwindling daily.

Thank you for your reply. We had couples therapy a few years ago... unfortunately everything he said in the therapy sessions never came to fruition.

This.

He sounds useless... 5 and a half years! You are not compatible. Get rid of him... do you want a friend or a relationship?

Good grief. It’s usually the other way around and every single time the man is told there is a reason his partner doesn’t want sex and it’s all his fault.

he’s also told leaving because if it makes him a shit who puts sex above everything else in a marriage.

the double standards are astounding

In my case it's not just the sex it's the no holding hands, no hugs, no goodbye/hello kisses, no connection whatsoever. It's like he's emotionally checked out and I feel that the "reasons" he's given and how "upset" he's been when I've raised it haven't been genuine. Id rather him be honest and just tell me if it's a "me" problem. I just can't work him out at all.

Find somebody to have an affair with and enjoy your life.

Just because he masturbates doesn't mean it all works. Men can orgasm without having an erection.

Yup. A woman is told to leave and find happiness elsewhere. A man is told he’s a disgusting sex pest, and that he’s pathetic for wanting to end a marriage just because there’s no sex. It’s so hypocritical.

Is it time to issue an ultimatum if you’re willing to give him one last shot?

Or write him a letter detailing how lonely you are, your self esteem is taking a battering too.

Nothing changes, then at least you know you tried.

Men can get away with burying their heads in the sand and refusing to talk to their partners about these issues because they know their female partner will find it harder to speak up about her own desires because there is still a taboo re, women and their sexual needs. Women are still viewed as not liking sex as much as men. You only have to see the social media comments when a woman goes on a show like This Morning to talk about sex.

You are 50. I am the same age and i hope i have another 50 years to look forward to. I am as fit as i was when i was 20. I have more energy than i had in my 30'3 & 40's and i dont have young children taking up any of my time. I have more money available too. IMO you need to look at what graciegremlin wants from the rest of her life.

From the outside it looks to me like your DH is settled and he will not be changing regardless. This is him, take it or leave it. Thats fine for him. But this isnt graciegremlin. You are studying, you are fit and healthy and you deserve better.

I think you need to stop asking him 'if' he can make changes. Stop asking him what if's and whys. Tell him, you want a sex life. You want an active husband and you wont accept this current situation regardless of how much you love each other.

Give him an ultimatum and then act upon it. If you are financially ok look at moving out. Let him realise what he is missing out on and let you see whats out there for you.

He sounds really depressed
Would he be willing to try CBT/medication? Although meds can cause sexual problems physically, it does seem like he's just really depressed

Hi thanks for your reply. We've addressed this and he says that he's not depressed. He has been to see his GP who did prescribe a very low dose of antidepressants around 2 years ago. I've tried to talk to him to ask him what the matter is and he just won't open up. I'm at a loss.

Wow. Just imagine telling a man this.

Not really addressing the point that people are telling the OP to have an affair, leave him, life is too short etc. how he is selfish etc

this is so unbelievably different from what a man would be told.

No.

This is a man who has had many many opportunities to resolve the issue and has not. This is someone who apparently made a sorts of promises in counselling and then none of them happened.

It has been FIVE years. OP does not have to wait forever and either does anyone else. Male or female.

A woman who had made no effort to address the problems marriage over many years despite her husband repeatedly begging - well her husband would be equally entitled to divorce her too.

That’s as may be, but it doesn’t change the fact that the advice, generally, would be very different for a man.

Can you sit him down and say you're unhappy and unfulfilled sexually. You're in a currently monogamous relationship that isn't meeting your needs. What does he propose as a solution? And leave a silence - don't make suggestions or fill it.

Don't let him distract you with cries, empty promises, or saying all the stuff you've heard before. If he wants to put the conversation on pause and think about it, fine, but we're getting back round this table tomorrow night at the same time to finish the discussion.

Ultimately he's happy with the status quo so you need to push him to acknowledge your needs/emotions about it and work on a solution.

Usually ‘no-one owes you a sex life!’ MN at its very best…

I would explain how unhappy you are and tell him that he needs to work on this issue or its over between you. No ifs or buts. He has to make an effort to be intimate with you or you want a divorce. It sounds like nothing else has worked and I'm sure you don't want to be in the same situation in ten years time.

Yeah?? A woman would be asked if shes put on weight or if her appearance has changed in some other way.

Oh and as we are playing even stevens can you please show me the thread where a man has posted that his wife has gone off sex but she is wanking herself off at night while next to him. Thanks ever so. Im happy to wait 😊

Who cares what the advice given to a man would be? This is a female dominated forum 🤷‍♀️
Or is someone keeping some kind of spreadsheet??