No intimacy for five years

[Graciegremlin]

Hi I've changed my username just in case as this could be outing. Just as the title says really, literally no intimacy for five years (well 5.5 now). Been married 14 years and together 17. No children together but three grown up boys between us.
DH is semi retired, 10 years older than me and I'm a mature student studying towards a degree. I have raised this issue many times and DH will break down in tears and insist it's not me but him, that he feels fat and old etc etc. Despite me reassuring him it hasn't amounted to anything and now I am feeling pretty rejected (not to mention very lonely). I have woken up once or twice in the night to him pleasuring himself so I'm assuming everything is in working order, but clearly not for me.
What the heck do I do? I've never felt so undesired. I'm in good shape, look younger than my 50 years and make an effort with my appearance.
In a fit of anger, last time I brought the issue up I asked if he would consider an open marriage as I needed to feel closeness with someone. As you can imagine, this was met with complete disagreement. Any advice?

Do not let any man - or woman - do that to you!

Reclaim your life and your self-respect. He has got you well and truly under the thumb.

You do not have to "make an effort" with your appearance to please him - you be you, and as scruffy as you like, if that's what you like! You cannot please this man and you should not waste any more of your life trying to. He has shown himself unworthy of your efforts.

Get out there and concentrate on your course and all the doors it might open for you. You DO have a future life ahead of you - one where you can be true to yourself. Make it happen!

I disagree.
I’ve seen plenty of women on this site being told they can’t expect their partner to continue a relationship when they have taken any physical intimacy off the table.
A sexless marriage/relationship is perfectly fine, only if both parties agree.

What???

Have you ever had decent sex?

Sex is so much more than just an orgasm.

To which OP is getting neither affection or an orgasm!

Would he be open to an open relationship? Would you? It seems like this situation would be as good a candidate as any for this type of arrangement if you love him otherwise and don’t want to leave him.

Are you sure he’s straight? I’d have a look at his search history but it might not be pleasant viewing…honestly just go. There’s no good answer in this for you. He’s hiding something.

When I have confided in close friends they have raised this question. Apparently when I first introduced him they had their suspicions... thing is he's very homophobic (which I'm certainly not). It does make me wonder 🤔

In an ideal world i would much rather be with one loving partner but I don't think it's him. Financially I'm pretty screwed whilst I'm studying so an open relationship may be a good option for now. When I mentioned this though he was adamant it wasn't an option from his point of view.

Being very homophobic is often a mask for having such desires but not wanting to face them.

My advice would be the same for a man or woman who finds themselves in this position. Firstly work at it. Intimacy and desire to go up and down in a marriage. I speak from experience and it can come back with real force. However, this requires really good communication and both parties working at it. I think you need to be clear that intimacy is really important OP and that you need your DP to work on this with you. Ultimately if he will do nothing you do face a difficult choice. At 50 you are still young and have many good years ahead. I think you deserve more and you should consider leaving. Same advice if you were a man.

You’re totally is cover OP. If you can’t leave now then don’t. But it’s not going to be a long term proposition for you if he’s gay or worse….

Hmm, this is a messy one. It may possibly be multifactorial e.g.
-He is quite probably suffering from low mood& poor self esteem, as you volunteer he's previously been prescribed anti-depressants

• he may well have body esteem issues, etc , which may be someway related
• he's also likely very unfit
• and he may also have a lifestyle related illness such as diabetes, arterial disease or whatever.
• and finally, he may be gay or something else but I think that's unlikely tbh, since assumedly at one stage he was a loving & fully attracted & active partner

The big question is what is he going to do about it? I think you need to put this to him if you wish to try to make this work.

Maybe after this chat give him 3 months to get his mojo back say & to prove it in the relationship (including all the other missed intimacies you mention e.g. holding hands, etc, etc, etc ) & maybe see from there.

Did you have regular sessions, where the therapist was able to call him out on the empty promises?

Yes we had weekly sessions but after about four he didn't want to engage anymore so that was that. He said we could build on what we had discussed in the sessions but this never happened. I'm such an idiot.

Bearing in mind that finances while you are studying may preclude you being able to leave OP, if he's not prepared to offer you the loving side of a relationship, and in that I include the holding hands, cuddles, etc., then I'm afraid I'd be inclined to have an affair, or more casual sex if you don't want to get involved with someone else.

It wouldn't surprise me if he is gay from other things that have been said, but for 'ThatDaringEagle', who suggested that she thought it unlikely, as he's performed in the past, then you need to be aware that LOTS of gay men even now, will get married as a cover for being gay, as they're just too scared to come out of the closet. In fact I used to work with a guy who was married for 15 years, had a son, and then out the blue told his wife he was gay. He now lives happily as a gay man with his partner.

Do you believe he thinks of himself as being in a happy marriage? Do you think he would engage honestly with that question if you asked him? You have clearly put quite a lot of thought into this. You know what’s missing from your point of view. You know what you’d ideally like and what you think you could cope with as a minimum. But it feels like you don’t know how he feels about your marriage.
And I think that’s an important distinction. You don’t need to know how he feels about you as much as you need to know how he feels about the marriage. Is he happy? What, ideally, would your marriage look like from his point of view.
If he won’t engage constructively with these questions then I can’t see what’s left except divorce.

Sex, and the lack of it, can become emblematic and can confuse the situation by seeming to be the whole issue. It’s not just about sex and it’s probably not helpful to let him fixate on that part of this.
The question isn’t whether you can live together forever with mismatched libidos; it’s more a question of whether this is a sustainable happy future partnership of mutual support and comfort. He needs to be honest with you about the sort of future he envisages for you both so that you can reflect on whether it’s something you want. You can’t fix this on your own.

I had this for 12 years. He said he didnt see the need for pointless sex. We both had out children previously. Absolutely nothing from day one. So I ditched after 12 years.

Having an affair is never moral.

The OP is fairly clearly his beard. Stay for as long as it takes to sort your finances and then go.

When I ask him if he's happy he says that he is...then if I bring up the elephant in the room he gets all upset and says it's all him and not me etc. also as a side note, I've not mentioned anything at all this year as it's always me that raises the issue. So far he's not said a word about it. I've pretty much decided that now it would actually feel strange to be intimate with him, literally would be like being with a stranger.

You’ll feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders once you end the relationship.
It is the only real option.

the other two options are 1. Sexual affair or 2. Open relationship. Neither will give you the physical love and intimate relationship you need.. because it isn’t just the act of sex you need.

How were things before this intimacy /sex wise? It sounds quite extreme to be suddenly so shut down. Is he suffering with ED but blaming it on his weight /appearance etc? Must feel really rejecting esp catching him satisfying his own needs and you be there lying next to him so shut out. I know he presumably didn’t mean for you to see but still - pretty hurtful. I think some men can get erect to wank but not for full sex then confidence crisis kicks in plus performance anxiety etc & avoidance of the whole topic. Almost like an anxiety problem - no physical contact of any kind for fear it may lead to more & then he will have to perform & fail & it’s too unbearable so he just shuts it all down & maybe drinks/eats more which makes the problem worse & vicious circle. It’s unfair of him not to let you even address it. I think you have to say he’s preventing you from having a relationship with him & shutting you out is damaging & making you feel you have no alternative but to consider leaving. Surely it’s worth saving? Doubt he’d agree to couples therapy but it really sounds like he/the relationship needs it. Really tough place to be OP.

Sorry to hear this OP, it is a very lonely and frustrating situation. I ended up leaving my partner (there were other reasons too), but I remember how awful it felt most nights. I would rather be alone than be with someone who just wasn't interested.

The only thing I would say is be realistic about the dating pool out there and your financial situation. Both things can be tough. I still don't regret it though.

Do you have any advice? I can say from personal experience it’s soul destroying. But feel free to bang on your drum.

OK, so what do you suggest?