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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No intimacy for five years

83 replies

Graciegremlin · 13/05/2025 13:43

Hi I've changed my username just in case as this could be outing. Just as the title says really, literally no intimacy for five years (well 5.5 now). Been married 14 years and together 17. No children together but three grown up boys between us.
DH is semi retired, 10 years older than me and I'm a mature student studying towards a degree. I have raised this issue many times and DH will break down in tears and insist it's not me but him, that he feels fat and old etc etc. Despite me reassuring him it hasn't amounted to anything and now I am feeling pretty rejected (not to mention very lonely). I have woken up once or twice in the night to him pleasuring himself so I'm assuming everything is in working order, but clearly not for me.
What the heck do I do? I've never felt so undesired. I'm in good shape, look younger than my 50 years and make an effort with my appearance.
In a fit of anger, last time I brought the issue up I asked if he would consider an open marriage as I needed to feel closeness with someone. As you can imagine, this was met with complete disagreement. Any advice?

OP posts:
Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:17

I’ve not Been on MN long but there’s deffo an astonishing double standard lol.
The advice given to the sexes is sooo different.
(Not that many men posted about their DH wanking next to them in bed tho I suppose..)

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:22

Orangemintcream · 13/05/2025 18:45

No.

This is a man who has had many many opportunities to resolve the issue and has not. This is someone who apparently made a sorts of promises in counselling and then none of them happened.

It has been FIVE years. OP does not have to wait forever and either does anyone else. Male or female.

A woman who had made no effort to address the problems marriage over many years despite her husband repeatedly begging - well her husband would be equally entitled to divorce her too.

You clearly didn’t see the thread a few days ago where a DH was lamenting his ‘dead bedroom’ and hurt DW wouldn’t seek support or talk about the issue and just shut up shop.

In response to him wanting her to se a doctor regarding regaining her libido post meno etc- He was told to do the same and seek medication to lower his!

There was absolutely nothing the man could say.
Im not even sure it was a genuine thread as he buggered off pretty sharpish tbh but the replies were mind blowing !

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/05/2025 19:23

HousedInMySoul · 13/05/2025 19:15

Who cares what the advice given to a man would be? This is a female dominated forum 🤷‍♀️
Or is someone keeping some kind of spreadsheet??

So? Double standards aren’t great, whatever the topic. It’s unreasonable to tell men they should shut up and go without, then tell women exactly the opposite.

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:25

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/05/2025 19:23

So? Double standards aren’t great, whatever the topic. It’s unreasonable to tell men they should shut up and go without, then tell women exactly the opposite.

And, Because it makes us look hypocritical, and immature?

HousedInMySoul · 13/05/2025 19:28

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:25

And, Because it makes us look hypocritical, and immature?

Looks to who??
And who cares if it does?
And who's "us" ?
People can post what they want without checking how many posts have given similar advice to men, and how many to women 😂

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:29

HousedInMySoul · 13/05/2025 19:28

Looks to who??
And who cares if it does?
And who's "us" ?
People can post what they want without checking how many posts have given similar advice to men, and how many to women 😂

Shall we just agree to differ sweetie?

HousedInMySoul · 13/05/2025 19:32

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:29

Shall we just agree to differ sweetie?

Yeah I mean I'm happy to if you feel you can't answer my points, lovey 🤷‍♀️😘

JenniferBooth · 13/05/2025 19:33

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:17

I’ve not Been on MN long but there’s deffo an astonishing double standard lol.
The advice given to the sexes is sooo different.
(Not that many men posted about their DH wanking next to them in bed tho I suppose..)

Explain this one then
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5073917-wife-no-longer-interested-since-kids-advice?page=1

Wife no longer interested since kids - advice | Mumsnet

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat. Me and wife have been together for 1...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5073917-wife-no-longer-interested-since-kids-advice?page=1

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:41

Now that’s dedication to making a point ..
despite the fact that I could find many many more proving the double standards a few of us in this thread have already pointed out. However Im not going to do that as as I would be time consuming and bat shit crazy .

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:43

Could you bring up the subject of a very discreet open marriage again maybe?
Is that what you would like at this point?
x

MrsPeterHarris · 13/05/2025 19:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2025 13:53

My advice is divorce. Go and be happy.

This would be my advice too! If he can pleasure himself then there is lots he can do to pleasure you & make you feel loved & desired, but he is choosing not to, so he’s being extremely selfish. You deserve love & happiness.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 13/05/2025 19:51

Graciegremlin · 13/05/2025 18:32

Hi thanks for your reply. We've addressed this and he says that he's not depressed. He has been to see his GP who did prescribe a very low dose of antidepressants around 2 years ago. I've tried to talk to him to ask him what the matter is and he just won't open up. I'm at a loss.

If he's saying he's not depressed it would definitely be ultimatum time for me ... either he really sits down and opens up and explains what's going on, and you find a way through together, or he's essentially cutting you and himself off from a marriage with his actions. Does he have family? Can you talk to them at all?

JenniferBooth · 13/05/2025 19:55

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:41

Now that’s dedication to making a point ..
despite the fact that I could find many many more proving the double standards a few of us in this thread have already pointed out. However Im not going to do that as as I would be time consuming and bat shit crazy .

For you maybe. Not for someone with a photographic memory. I once memorized a whole school play when i was ten Every single part Every single line Frightened the fuck out of my music teacher

Lardychops · 13/05/2025 19:58

JenniferBooth · 13/05/2025 19:55

For you maybe. Not for someone with a photographic memory. I once memorized a whole school play when i was ten Every single part Every single line Frightened the fuck out of my music teacher

fair play -I laughed out loud at that!
I bet they did lol!
I hope they gave you a good part! X

BakelikeBertha · 13/05/2025 20:10

Can people please stop trying to derail the thread talking about advice being different if its a man. This thread is about getting the OP some advice.

Personally OP, I think that from what you've told us you should leave him, and I don't even think you should bother to give him any last chances, as he's made it clear he can't be bothered to follow through when he's made promises previously, so why waste any more time on him?

It would be different if it was a health problem, or something like that, that has caused him to go off sex, but the fact that he's actually masturbating while in bed beside you must feel humiliating and like a real slap in the face! Also, the fact that he's masturbating rather than having sex with you, makes me think that he really is fat and LAZY! After all, let's face it, unless you do all the work, making love takes physical effort, and it seems to me, like it just feels like too much hard work as far as he's concerned, so he just has a wank to relieve himself instead, with no thought whatsoever about satisfying your needs.

So, in MN parlance, get your ducks in a row, pack your bags, and as you walk out the door just tell him that he's had all the chances he's getting, you need someone who WANTS to be close and loving with you. He clearly doesn't want this, otherwise he'd have made the effort to sort out his weight, and get fit enough to make love to you, so you're off to find someone else. Don't listen to any arguments he comes up with, just walk out the door. It may be the wake up call he needs, and you might find in a few months that he comes to find you, looking like a completely different person, but I somehow don't think so, and if he does, well, it won't do you any harm to have the opportunity to explore what else is out there in the meantime, will it?

GrahamSmith · 13/05/2025 21:19

It’s not fair for you to be expected to stay in a sexless marriage. Would marriage counselling help?

Graciegremlin · 13/05/2025 21:22

GrahamSmith · 13/05/2025 21:19

It’s not fair for you to be expected to stay in a sexless marriage. Would marriage counselling help?

Sadly we have already tried this but I was just left with empty promises.

OP posts:
MercuryRisingBeware · 13/05/2025 21:24

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2025 13:53

My advice is divorce. Go and be happy.

This. Or have an affair. Or buy a really good vibrator.

Graciegremlin · 13/05/2025 21:28

BakelikeBertha · 13/05/2025 20:10

Can people please stop trying to derail the thread talking about advice being different if its a man. This thread is about getting the OP some advice.

Personally OP, I think that from what you've told us you should leave him, and I don't even think you should bother to give him any last chances, as he's made it clear he can't be bothered to follow through when he's made promises previously, so why waste any more time on him?

It would be different if it was a health problem, or something like that, that has caused him to go off sex, but the fact that he's actually masturbating while in bed beside you must feel humiliating and like a real slap in the face! Also, the fact that he's masturbating rather than having sex with you, makes me think that he really is fat and LAZY! After all, let's face it, unless you do all the work, making love takes physical effort, and it seems to me, like it just feels like too much hard work as far as he's concerned, so he just has a wank to relieve himself instead, with no thought whatsoever about satisfying your needs.

So, in MN parlance, get your ducks in a row, pack your bags, and as you walk out the door just tell him that he's had all the chances he's getting, you need someone who WANTS to be close and loving with you. He clearly doesn't want this, otherwise he'd have made the effort to sort out his weight, and get fit enough to make love to you, so you're off to find someone else. Don't listen to any arguments he comes up with, just walk out the door. It may be the wake up call he needs, and you might find in a few months that he comes to find you, looking like a completely different person, but I somehow don't think so, and if he does, well, it won't do you any harm to have the opportunity to explore what else is out there in the meantime, will it?

Thank you for your reply. I kinda went quiet for a while whilst all the arguments were going on above. I'm by no means stating that I have a right to sex but saying that I can't live without a close intimate relationship. (And yes if there was a health reason then I'd be quite happy just to have the closeness without the action). I still look at him and find him attractive and I was hoping that he would find himself more attractive by maybe working out or just doing something that made him feel good. I actually now feel like I've been played for a fool and I'm going to take your advice and get my "ducks in a row". I'm 51 tomorrow and I just can't bear the thought of the next decade and beyond being so miserable and lonely.

OP posts:
Fuckfacetime · 13/05/2025 21:28

blubbyblub · 13/05/2025 18:38

Wow. Just imagine telling a man this.

I have been on similar threads and said the same to a man but they are usually on the relationship board.

OP - your H sounds like he has checked out. He’s staying coz it’s easy. At your expense.

now I am not sure it’s easy being single at 50 either but sounds like you have a half life at the moment.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/05/2025 21:35

blubbyblub · 13/05/2025 14:42

Good grief. It’s usually the other way around and every single time the man is told there is a reason his partner doesn’t want sex and it’s all his fault.

he’s also told leaving because if it makes him a shit who puts sex above everything else in a marriage.

the double standards are astounding

It's definitely not 'every single time'. I for one will always say that I couldn't live in a sexless relationship, so will always recommend leaving the relationship if the other person isn't interested in changing the situation.

AlhambraQueen · 13/05/2025 22:08

I was in the same boat as you, married for 14 years, no sex for 5 years since the birth of our child. I’m 40 this year and finally broke down and said I don’t want a sexless marriage. He finally admitted that he finds it hard to maintain an erection and was embarrassed to admit to me. He is diabetic and this has affected his blood vessels.

Mischance · 13/05/2025 22:14

He is wanking off in bed next to you, but doesn't want to have sex with you - what a prince of a man!

Honestly, life is just too darned short for this rubbish.

BakelikeBertha · 14/05/2025 11:12

Graciegremlin · 13/05/2025 21:28

Thank you for your reply. I kinda went quiet for a while whilst all the arguments were going on above. I'm by no means stating that I have a right to sex but saying that I can't live without a close intimate relationship. (And yes if there was a health reason then I'd be quite happy just to have the closeness without the action). I still look at him and find him attractive and I was hoping that he would find himself more attractive by maybe working out or just doing something that made him feel good. I actually now feel like I've been played for a fool and I'm going to take your advice and get my "ducks in a row". I'm 51 tomorrow and I just can't bear the thought of the next decade and beyond being so miserable and lonely.

I'm glad that you've made the decision to leave once you've got things organised OP, it really isn't fair on you to live in what essentially is a loveless marriage. I'm SO sorry that you've found yourself in this situation, but better no partner at all, than one that claims to love you, but doesn't even want to hold your hand, let alone have the physical connection that lovemaking brings. What a fool he is!

Graciegremlin · 14/05/2025 11:23

Mischance · 13/05/2025 22:14

He is wanking off in bed next to you, but doesn't want to have sex with you - what a prince of a man!

Honestly, life is just too darned short for this rubbish.

It's humiliating. I've gone from a bubbly and happy person to an empty shell.

OP posts:
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