AIBU to feel like cancelling this weekend visit after a guy I met abroad has cooled off?

[LemonWriter]

Four weeks ago, I met a guy in Thailand. We clicked, spent three great days together, and stayed in touch. We live a four-hour flight apart. I jokingly said he should move here, and he actually booked flights for this weekend to visit.

He deleted Tinder first, and said he felt crazy falling for a girl he hardly knows. I’m fully aware of love-bombing and kept my guard up, but did reciprocate his actions by deleting dating apps and removing men I’ve dated off social media.

Lately, I’ve noticed a shift: fewer texts, hours between replies, and some messages unread. I found he’d liked another girl’s Instagram (she was also in Thailand, but lives even further away). So I messaged him, said I was excited but concerned about the recent shift in communication, and asked for honesty.

He admitted he had cold feet, felt he'd rushed things, and was overwhelmed by the idea of relocating down the line, even though he’d joined a local bike group in my area on his own. All of these things were said in jest as opposed to this must happen. He followed by saying I deserve someone who is head over heels for me ALL the time and feels like failed me, but still wants to visit to "see if the flame is still there."

I’m frustrated I had to dig this out of him. He’s 27 and says he's just inexperienced and not good at expressing feelings, but that’s an explanation, not an excuse. He said the fact we haven’t seen each other in four weeks contributes to it, but also given the geography, distance will be part of the package initially. If I hadn’t messaged, would he have just visited, slept with me, and ghosted?

Now I’m torn. Part of me wants to cancel and make a point, not out of spite, but because I’m no longer excited and don’t want to waste emotional energy. But friends say it’s understandable he has cold feet and that I should give him a chance.

AIBU to feel like backing out now, even though I was originally excited and he’s already booked flights?

I can see how it might sound wild out of context, but just to clarify, he booked a three-night visit, not a relocation. The relocation idea was something I joked about when we parted ways in Thailand, more lighthearted than literal (I never anticipated seeing him again) and he responded warmly, talking about how nice the area sounded and mentioning he had friends here. I honestly didn’t think I’d hear from him again.

But we kept in touch, and he became quite intense, saying things like he didn’t want me to be with anyone else, joining a local bike group here, and suggesting plans to come over. I was always upfront that I couldn’t relocate and said if things ever were to work, it would take multiple visits and time to figure out (which he agreed).

I do think we both got caught up in the intensity of a holiday romance and reality is just setting in now. There was never a real plan to move, just the kind of dreamy conversation that can happen when emotions are high and circumstances are temporary.

After sleeping on it, reflecting on everyone’s advice (and criticisms), and talking it through with friends, I’ve decided to meet him this weekend and chalk the whole experience up to a lesson learned.

I’m more aware now of limerence, how easily love bombing can feel real, and how quickly things can spiral when emotions and expectations get ahead of reality. Next time, I’ll take things slower, at a pace that feels right for both people involved, and avoid adding intensity that leads to pressure.

The truth is, if I didn’t meet him, I wouldn’t feel satisfied with how it ended. I’d rather leave it on a good note. At the end of the day, it was a fun holiday romance! I don’t regret meeting him or the last four weeks, but I also don’t want bitterness or resentment to be how it closes.

So I’ll be picking him up from the airport, much to my dismay, but I’ve cancelled my Monday annual leave and moved it to a day I’ll actually want. We have a nice weekend lined up with the casino, markets, and the footy, and at the very least, I’ll enjoy myself and treat it as a fresh start without expecting anything more.

That said, I already know this will likely be our last weekend together. Even if it goes well and the spark reignites, I’d be waiting for the next wave of cold feet. Relationships, especially long distance ones, need clear communication and emotional maturity, and he’s admitted he struggles in both areas. The distance, his offshore job, and our differences just add to the complexity.

I also recognise I have a lot of growing up to do as well, so I’m manifesting that my frontal lobe develops soon or at the very least I’ll book a trip to Specsavers to deal with my tunnel vision. I think a lot of people my age (25) can feel pressure to be in relationships or at least situations with someone, whereas I’m now realising that my own company and time are just as special and important. Learning to be happy by myself is something I really need to work on.

So in hindsight, deleting the dating apps and ex-flings wasn’t actually a silly thing to do! It just cleared the space to figure out what I really want and what I need to grow from.

I’ll pop a final update Sunday or Monday once the dust settles (assuming he even shows up, which there’s always a chance he might not!)

Just be wary OP. I believe that 99% of the time when people want closure, they actually hope something will be rekindled.

Also I just noticed he said he didn't want you to be with anyone else. That could mean nothing, or it could mean he's potentially controlling and weird. Please let friends know where you are with him at all times (or just cancel him and have a lovely time with friends instead, which would be my advice)

You’re getting a hard time here OP. People acting like they’ve never been a bit silly about love/sex. Definitely don’t sleep with him when he comes or it will be over for sure.

Just relax and see how it goes - but don't mention future plans, leave that to him

I've read all your updates. Does sound pretty nuts when you look through it all. I hope this weekend goes well. I look forward to an update.

One thing I did want say though. You've said a few times that initially you kept your guard up as you are aware of love bombing etc. But I don't think 3 days together and a few weeks of texting is keeping your guard up at all! You don't have to match someone's energy. If someone is making crazy declarations of love or a future together after a few days, that just isn't real.

Well done OP. You haven’t got long to go. I distinctly remember staring out of a window in October aged 27 and thinking life has to change. I can’t go on like this.

And it’s like that day I grew up.

And from there I met someone very quickly, who I’m now married to. I got much more pragmatic and didn’t entertain time wasters anymore. If someone didn’t show up in the way that I felt was respectful, then that was it. Literally, next! It was my dad who told me most guys are shits who will have no trouble putting themselves first. So you need to make sure you know how to put yourself and your feelings first. And if you think you’re worth it, suddenly the whole game changes, turns 180. So treat yourself like a queen, who is worth it, who needs to be treated with respect and he’ll sense it. He’ll either run a mile or he’ll respect you and want more. No more running after them. Put you first all weekend and remember to be pragmatic not giving in to emotions and the heat of the moment. I’d also not drink much or at all, to stay in control and be certain you have your wits about you.

This is good advice

Just wanted to say a genuine thank you to everyone who offered advice and kindness over the past week. This situation has been a huge learning curve!

I spent the weekend with the guy I met abroad. As you know, things were intense early on, lots of excitement and emotional energy, but when he flew out to visit me, things didn’t quite feel the same as expected. He was still throwing out compliments, saying he liked me, talking about future plans (invited me to his country) in person, but his actions told a different story.

I felt he was distant, he checked out early at night, and didn’t really make much effort unless it was in front of other people. On Friday, lights were out at 9pm because he wanted to sleep. He ordered Uber eats instead of wanting to go for dinner. He paid for his flights and our accommodation, but throughout the weekend I was picking up everything else (i.e. meals, drinks, and Ubers) because he wasn’t even offering and it got to a point where he just expected it. On Saturday, he said he was considering flying home on Sunday night to finish a two-hour job (guilty conscious for not finishing it) prior to flying offshore. I knew then where I stood.

He had £400 ready to spend at the Casino. We met another couple and they bought us a drink, and he returned the round and that was the first time all weekend he had bought me a drink (or even asked if I wanted one). He gave me £25 in chips, which I turned into £150, but he then decided to cash them in (keep it) and call it a night.

There was a lot of confusion on my end. At one point, he told me he had a good weekend and would “do it all again,” but it felt empty. I spent so much time overthinking and second-guessing myself, trying to hold onto something that just wasn’t aligned. Every time he complimented me and said he liked me, I just found myself internally rolling my eyes. I wish I had let go sooner or enjoyed the weekend more for myself, but it ended up being this constant tug-of-war between emotions and logic.

We didn’t fight, and there was no big dramatic fallout. But I made up a family emergency and left Sunday morning, and he decided to fly home shortly after.

For the first time in a month of speaking, he actually asked me how my day was tonight before I sent my final message to him, which honestly said a lot about where I stood.

In the end, I sent him a message closing it off, kind but honest, no games. I know I have a tendency to romanticise, and maybe it all felt dramatic for something that was brief, but it felt big, and it was intense. That deserves space and reflection.

So again, thank you to everyone who helped keep my feet on the ground. Sometimes strangers on the internet really are the ones who tell you what you need to hear. I’m chalking this one up as growth! ❤️

Well, glad you ended it and are chalking it up to experience. Sometimes holiday flings need not to be prolonged!

Completely agree!

And I LOVE that they workout for some people, but tend to learn how to not romanticise a happy ending for myself all the time.

The joys of having an English degree.

Fair play to you is all I can say. You gave it a go and you acknowledge it did not work but look at the experience you have had? It will help you form how you view your relationships etc going forward and you have lost nothing and gained a story to dine out on for years to come! Sorry it did not work but this is the chances we take from the choices we make so just well done to you for even giving it a try :)

You're right, I took a chance, and even though it didn’t work out, I’ve definitely walked away with lessons (and a story!) I wouldn’t trade. ❤️

Oh that message OP, that must have hit you hard. To be honest, I’m rather surprised you’re still considering seeing him after he sent you that. I would rather retain my dignity and just say goodbye after that. I can’t see any hope it will go any further.

Also, the change in contact since he got home is a strong indication there IS someone else at home - perhaps another casual relationship or something more. I have in the past unfortunately been involved with someone who was in a relationship, and the contact consistently dropped to virtually nothing when he was off work. It’s a very, very clear sign. Don’t expect him to admit if there is anyone else. Some men will pursue and love bomb other women whether they are already in a relationship or not. You’ll be surprised how capable some people are of lying and hiding the truth.

I wouldn’t see him, especially after that message. It was fair, but to the point. I can see how it would hurt. You’re 25, and there’s much more out there waiting for you.

On the plus side, at least he has been honest with you about how he’s feeling - that’s is something that seems very rare among men these days. They usually lie and then completely disappear without a trace.

Sorry, I missed your update. Looks like I was right though, and that you shouldn’t have gone through with meeting him. Well, it’s done now, and you can move on.

And you're making that mean something??

Seriously, if you want a weekend of shagging then go ahead (though bear in mind you might not feel the same vibes in Kingsbury as in Koh Tao) and you don't need to go through the motions if you're not feeling it.

The message completely hit hard, and I should’ve definitely listened to my gut but then I would’ve had the what if playing in the back of my head so either way I was damned if I did, damned if I didn’t.

He hasn’t replied or acknowledged my final message either, which speaks volumes.

I failed to mention that I lost my phone over the weekend and used his to call it (and thankfully relocate it), but noticed he had a few calls back and forth with a local girl which more or less confirmed what you were saying.

I just found it ironic he was preaching how he’s number one in his life and no one’s second choice, yet ultimately made me feel like one until I no longer allowed it.

But it’s all a lesson learned!