AIBU to feel like cancelling this weekend visit after a guy I met abroad has cooled off?

[LemonWriter]

Four weeks ago, I met a guy in Thailand. We clicked, spent three great days together, and stayed in touch. We live a four-hour flight apart. I jokingly said he should move here, and he actually booked flights for this weekend to visit.

He deleted Tinder first, and said he felt crazy falling for a girl he hardly knows. I’m fully aware of love-bombing and kept my guard up, but did reciprocate his actions by deleting dating apps and removing men I’ve dated off social media.

Lately, I’ve noticed a shift: fewer texts, hours between replies, and some messages unread. I found he’d liked another girl’s Instagram (she was also in Thailand, but lives even further away). So I messaged him, said I was excited but concerned about the recent shift in communication, and asked for honesty.

He admitted he had cold feet, felt he'd rushed things, and was overwhelmed by the idea of relocating down the line, even though he’d joined a local bike group in my area on his own. All of these things were said in jest as opposed to this must happen. He followed by saying I deserve someone who is head over heels for me ALL the time and feels like failed me, but still wants to visit to "see if the flame is still there."

I’m frustrated I had to dig this out of him. He’s 27 and says he's just inexperienced and not good at expressing feelings, but that’s an explanation, not an excuse. He said the fact we haven’t seen each other in four weeks contributes to it, but also given the geography, distance will be part of the package initially. If I hadn’t messaged, would he have just visited, slept with me, and ghosted?

Now I’m torn. Part of me wants to cancel and make a point, not out of spite, but because I’m no longer excited and don’t want to waste emotional energy. But friends say it’s understandable he has cold feet and that I should give him a chance.

AIBU to feel like backing out now, even though I was originally excited and he’s already booked flights?

Ah okay it makes sense about flights now.

I was slower to open up, but once I did and started matching his energy, he pulled away, which has left me feeling quite off-balance.

Ugh, I think he may be one of those men who are more into the chase than anything else or he could be avoidant.

If you’re not familiar with avoidants have a look on the link below of some people’s experiences with them in the early stages of dating
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/18o5xdb/what_are_some_early_signs_of_an_avoidant/

Either way it’s not a good sign and I’d cut my losses now and end things.

But I appreciate it’s easy for me to say just cancel it, I can understand why you are somewhat invested already and would still have an interest even if there’s only a little bit of hope remaining for the two of you working out seriously.

Yea, definitely sleep on it!

”but did reciprocate his actions by deleting dating apps and removing men I’ve dated off social media”

After FOUR weeks?

Girl…..

He’s actually not someone I’d typically go for, when I showed friends/family, everyone was surprised. He’s tall, lanky, pasty, ginger, and has a mullet while I usually go for darker, more sallow types. At home, I might not have looked twice but he is someone I now find attractive.

But when you’re solo travelling, you connect with people in a different way (which probably adds more depth to the situation). We were staying at the same place, started talking, and he was just funny, kind, and easy to be around. In that setting, with no distractions and no real-life pressure, you can get swept up in something that feels genuine.

I have a lot to sleep on!

Girl you have every reason to Girl… me. I know!

I’m aiming for triplets.

I think it's best to throw this one back @LemonWriter. For the reason that you don't feel right about it. So it isn't right.

Fucking hell 🤣🤣🤣

Totally fair point and honestly, I’ve reflected on that myself. The shift in communication set off my spidey senses and I did what a lot of people do when they feel that something’s “off”… I looked! I automatically assumed there might be someone else, and while that may say more about my own insecurities than his actions, it’s something I clearly need to work on.

I’m not proud of it, but I’m also being honest about how it made me feel and why I reacted that way. The uncertainty and mixed signals had me spiralling a bit, and I think many of us have gone down that rabbit hole at some point. Definitely a wake-up call to ground myself more moving forward.

Okay but when was the "shift in communication"??

This sounds like textbook love bombing and now he wants you to give him permission to come over and continue the fling without any commitment to something serious developing!

I would cancel honestly it sounds like it won't go anywhere and you'll end up more hurt by the end.

So surely this weekend is just as much about you seeing how you feel about him and whether all of those things that you thought you wanted still apply?

If you go, you may decide that this isn’t what you want and decide not to see each other again.
Or you may both decide that you do really like each other and would like to meet up again.
Either way you’ll have some sort of answer.

But if you don’t go, then you may regret it and have no sort of closure.

He’s coming a long way and spending money just to see you.
He wouldn’t do that if he wasn’t interested.

I don’t know why you need him to be so intense and want to him to relocate etc is it not enough that he’s coming all that way to see you and taking things slow?

I think it’s fine (and sensible) that he’s had reality set in, whereas you seem to still be a bit swept up in it all and disappointed by him now being sensible.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

It is not possible to know someone for 3 days and instantly relocate and think it’s going to work.
You need weekends like this to spend time together and see what you both want.

He may not need a visa but don't people have to show they have a return ticket nowadays?

One mark of maturity is to understand the difference between a fling and a potential relationship.

You are getting this wound up over a stranger. Think about it.

The shift started last Monday when he flew back home from offshore. While he was away and the initial week post holiday at home, we were in regular contact calls, FaceTimes, memes, and chatting pretty consistently. But once he got home on Monday, that all dropped off. I do understand that being home means normal life kicks back in, and people get busy but it wasn’t just a case of being distracted.

It felt like he was actively not responding, or just choosing not to engage in the same way.
He wasn’t opening messages we used to laugh about (memes), his replies were significantly delayed, and when he did reply, they felt flat. He wasn’t asking about me, or what I was up to just answering in a way that made it feel one-sided. That’s really what raised the red flag for me. It wasn’t just less contact, it was less interest, and I think most people would pick up on that.

Yeah it’s one thing being ok with casual and another thing doing casual when it involves someone you started to make future plans with and emotionally invest!

I think if you do decide to stay with him in the hotel, you have the right idea planning lots of activities outside the hotel.

I had something slightly similar when I was younger. Long story but basically the guy went from asking me if I would consider relocating to his country, and discussing future family plans etc to switching up (when I started to match his energy) and suddenly saying he didn’t want to put a “label” on what we had. Basically trying to reduce it to a situationship! I cut things off immediately as I could see he either was going to mess me around with his indecision or lose interest completely - and either way my feelings were going to get hurt.

I think in your case he just couldn’t face up to the truth that the spark was gone and felt guilty so started avoiding you and dialling things down with communication. Unfortunately some men will not be straight in these situations and it’s left to women to drag the truth out of them.

I agree it’s likely he would have gone along with things over the weekend and then did a slow fade after he left if you hadn’t asked him.

Id still go. But id be happy to know it's a continuation of a fling and not the starting of a relationship.

Can you say the same?

Is this a Gen Z thing? Like you guys are so starved of IRL interaction, you shag a guy on holiday and next thing you know you're married 😆

This is exactly the internal tug-of-war I’ve been having. I don’t want to shut something down prematurely, especially when we haven’t even seen each other in person again yet. I know you can’t really judge something properly without spending more time together—and I also realise that a lot of intensity in the beginning doesn’t always equal long-term compatibility.

What’s sticking with me, though, is wondering whether he’s still coming out of genuine interest or more out of guilt and not wanting to lose money. This was his message:

“That’s totally fair. I knew I had to bring it up at some point and it’s rude of me to have you strung along for me to be half hearted about it. Not to mention you deserve someone to be head over heels for you ALL the time. I apologise for doing this to you. I want to take accountability and say I rushed into it too quick and I feel like that’s given me cold feet when it really becomes serious like thinking about moving across the country. It’s one thing to say it but another thing to do it, and I failed you.
Like I said I’d still like to see you but if you don’t want to see me I understand that. I’d rather not lie and lose money than be fake and string you along any further.
I’m sorry that I didn’t bring this up earlier.”

It’s a thoughtful message, and I do appreciate the accountability. But it also left me wondering where he’s really at. It felt like the intensity dropped suddenly, and I had to be the one to call it out. Now that he’s being more responsive again, it just feels a bit forced. I’m trying to figure out if there's still genuine value in meeting this weekend, or if we’re both just trying to salvage something that fizzled out once real life kicked in.

If I do go ahead with it, I think it needs to be more about me seeing how I feel now rather than trying to recapture what we had on holiday.

On holiday it was fun in reality it will be hard work. Maybe you feel more emotionally connected than him. Men take longer generally to feel that connection. Maybe the connection is great but he has realised he can’t do long distance.

What? You had a holiday going. That was it

Just to add, the failed me comment is a bit dramatic. Even I know a guy I’ve only spent 3 days with can’t fail me!

@LemonWriter I'm glad you've rethought the possible "standing him up" option - that would be childish and unkind and I know you realise this now.
I've read all of your posts OP and whilst I initially thought you could go ahead with the weekend visit as "friends" (because why not when you enjoy each other's company regardless of what it might/might not lead to?) I now think it would be better if you just called it off because you could get on famously, rekindle all the feelings you both had whilst on holiday, and then he could go home and get cold feet all over again leaving you feeling used. You have doubts now and I think you should listen to them.

I know, the cocktails went right to my head!

Why do some people only engage with half a thread?

I really appreciate your perspective. And yes, I’ve definitely stepped back from the “stand him up” mindset; I know that would only reflect poorly on me and leave me feeling worse in the long run. It was more of a fleeting emotional reaction to feeling let down, not something I’d ever want to act on.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, the risk of reigniting those feelings just to be met with cold feet again is what’s been playing on my mind the most. I know how I get, and if the chemistry was still there in person, it would be hard not to get swept up again, only to feel crushed when reality hits him a second time.

My gran used to say men who get cold feet usually never warmed up properly in the first place! He told me he’s quite inexperienced and that his job has made past relationships difficult. I believed him and thought maybe this could be different, partly because he was the one who was so full-on from the start. I wasn’t even fully invested at first, but once I matched his energy, that’s when he started pulling back. It’s the mismatch that’s been hardest to reconcile.

At this point I’m just trying to avoid making a decision I’ll regret either way. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t!