AIBU to feel like cancelling this weekend visit after a guy I met abroad has cooled off?

[LemonWriter]

Four weeks ago, I met a guy in Thailand. We clicked, spent three great days together, and stayed in touch. We live a four-hour flight apart. I jokingly said he should move here, and he actually booked flights for this weekend to visit.

He deleted Tinder first, and said he felt crazy falling for a girl he hardly knows. I’m fully aware of love-bombing and kept my guard up, but did reciprocate his actions by deleting dating apps and removing men I’ve dated off social media.

Lately, I’ve noticed a shift: fewer texts, hours between replies, and some messages unread. I found he’d liked another girl’s Instagram (she was also in Thailand, but lives even further away). So I messaged him, said I was excited but concerned about the recent shift in communication, and asked for honesty.

He admitted he had cold feet, felt he'd rushed things, and was overwhelmed by the idea of relocating down the line, even though he’d joined a local bike group in my area on his own. All of these things were said in jest as opposed to this must happen. He followed by saying I deserve someone who is head over heels for me ALL the time and feels like failed me, but still wants to visit to "see if the flame is still there."

I’m frustrated I had to dig this out of him. He’s 27 and says he's just inexperienced and not good at expressing feelings, but that’s an explanation, not an excuse. He said the fact we haven’t seen each other in four weeks contributes to it, but also given the geography, distance will be part of the package initially. If I hadn’t messaged, would he have just visited, slept with me, and ghosted?

Now I’m torn. Part of me wants to cancel and make a point, not out of spite, but because I’m no longer excited and don’t want to waste emotional energy. But friends say it’s understandable he has cold feet and that I should give him a chance.

AIBU to feel like backing out now, even though I was originally excited and he’s already booked flights?

He asked for nudes. Scratch my previous post.

he can fuck right off. Throw this one back in the sea. 🤮

You’re fine, OP.

You don’t need to reply to every post and every poster, especially when they’re asking things that you’ve already answered.

@Sugarloading I will say that at least he is taking some accountability. I don’t think I’ve ever had a man properly acknowledge or apologise for doing the whole coming on strong, making future plans and then backtracking thing! They usually just try and step back while pretending nothings changed 🙄😂

Haha, I've had it. But it was like this guy, the "sorry I led you on, you need all this commitment that I can't give" type flannel, not "sorry I started this whole thing and escalated it up to 60mph, then freaked out at my own wild imaginings and went off to Tinder to relieve the internal pressure, pointlessly ruining something which could have been a mutual pleasure"

Yup, I agree. And I'm afraid his final "Like I said I’d still like to see you but if you don’t want to see me I understand that" when preceded by all the honesty in the previous paragraph is really him saying we can have a "fun" 😉 weekend and then you won't be able to give me a hard time because I warned you it wasn't serious.

It's a holiday fling...not a movie.
Do you always over invest in relationships this early on?
It sounds like it was nice at the time but then reality hit and he clicked and regrets making any verbal commitments to you

@Darkgreendarkbark Yeah that might have been the more honest version of the apology which is stuck in drafts 😂

I genuinely don’t think he’s a love scammer.

I think he got caught up in the moment and is now realising he’d have to change his entire life, for someone he met for 3 days.
Any of us would get cold feet.

If you were the one who said you’d move to his country for someone you knew for 3 days, you too would have cold feet.

He could have easily just blocked you or told you it’s not working out.
It’s annoying that you had to get it out of him but it’s also good that he was really honest about how he felt.

I personally would want to meet up with him.
I think you would regret it if you don’t.

So I would say to him that you are up for still meeting but if he wants to cancel then that’s fair enough - which will make your decision for you.
If you do meet then see it as your chance to see how you feel about him - either way at least you will know.

I want to add that I'd consider his request for nude photos a possible red flag but not a dealbreaker. You've already slept together so it's totally feasible that he just wants a souvenir of the great event while you're apart. It doesn't necessarily mean anything worse than that. I would not send him any, though. You really don't know him very well at all, in spite of having a huge spark with him, so a lot about him is just still a huge question mark at this point. And of course we do often hear of someone trusting too much only to later find their nude photos splashed all over the internet.

Yeah, and next contact might be "I'm really sorry, I actually really do have strong feelings for you, maybe I made a mistake" meaning "It didn't work out for me on Tinder like I hoped"!

Exactly. He is kind of covering his own back so he can still walk out of this situation and do a slow fade while not feeling like the Bad Guy, since he was (eventually) somewhat upfront.

Just forget about him and find somebody at least in the UK next time!

@isolate34 I don’t understand your question about how this man could join a local cycling group if he lives 4 hours flight away. It’s 2025, not 1985! You, me, anyone in the world can join any club we want to even if it’s 4,10,24 hours flight away. Through websites, facebook groups etc.

I live in London and am a member of a zoom book group in Boston USA and a running group in Berlin (which I participate in when I am there for work). I am also still a member of a conservation volunteer group in a village in Somerset where I no longer live. I carry on donating, contributing to the chat and online meetings and volunteer there 3 times a year, even though I live nearly 4 hours drive away. That kind of thing is normal nowadays,

So, now I need advice on how to manage this meet-up without playing into a romantic narrative that no longer fits. He’s still planning to come over this weekend, and while I’m open to catching up and seeing how I actually feel in person, I don’t want to play couple.

Originally I was going to pick him up from the airport and stay together the whole time but honestly, I’d rather just meet in town, do some casual plans, and go home to my own bed at night.

Would it be unreasonable to tell him to just get an Uber/train from the airport instead? And how do I word this in a way that makes it clear I’m not being cold or petty.

With all due respect, you sound incredibly immature to be acting so distraught at the idea that no relationship appears to be forthcoming after a 3 day holiday fling that took place a month ago.

Be glad he was honest and move on.

You do know all he's after is a booty call hence him asking for nudes?

I’m waiting patiently for my frontal lobe to develop.

Just be straight with him - make it very clear you won’t be staying overnight. Tell him that you think it’s best given how things have changed a bit between you, to keep things low key and just meet in town for lunch or some afternoon activities and you’ll let him do his own thing the rest of the time ie. Entertain himself!

If all a man is after is one thing , once you make it clear you won’t be going back to their hotel room - the trash will take itself out so to speak. So it’s very possible he may cancel the whole trip.

And just to add, as I’ve said upthread personally I don’t see much point in meeting him at all and you may be better off just leaving it but if you do decide to meet, I think not staying overnight/going to his hotel at all is a good way to manage it.

This 👆OP. And if he does still visit, ensure you meet for lunch some distance away from where he's staying and where you live so there's no risk of a NSA booty call (unless you're up for that, of course, but don't read any more into it).
Personally, I'd still cancel because I'm not convinced you can do the "friends" thing without getting carried away again - and I'm sure he won't try to persuade you to be sensible if you do.

After 3 days???

If you want to back off and take it more slowly, I'd just be sure to tell him that ahead of time.

But your mindset still seems a bit too serious to me. How about limiting your decision on this second visit to whether or not you want a third visit?

But there’s little point in a bike group in a country a four hour flight away that you never actually visit.
It’s just yet more hyped up nonsense in a totally hyped out of all reasonable proportion situation.

Just be honest OP.

Say reality has kicked in for you too and with his commitment waning, you feel over-invested, don’t want to get hurt so you’re coming at this as a friends thing for now, just hanging out.

If he just wants a booty call, he’ll cancel. It’s a good way to find out one way or the other.

At least you walk away with respect for yourself doing it this way.